Role Conflicts and Defining Moments?

I've been so sad. No minutes on my phone until the 19th, except for nights, weekends, and mobile-to-mobile T-T The last minute was used on like the 4th haha.

Anyway, this past weekend has been full of ups and downs. Mostly ups. Or at least I focused on the ups as best I could.

Friday, the plan had been to go eat a late dinner and karaoke with Kat, Ariane, Andrew, and Shiva. Though, I wasn't able to tell Shiva that dinner had been pushed back from 17h30 to 21h00, until she came back from Santa Cruz and could use her cell phone; so she didn't eat anything after noon, thinking that dinner would be at 17h30. Other than that, there were no hitches as of 16h00. Mother had been ok with my plan. Everything was supposed to work out fine.

Then there was a minor hitch with rides. Shiva couldn't be picked up from campus as I had originally thought. The suggestion was that she should light rail to south San Jose, and Ariane would drive all of us to Santa Clara for dinner and karaoke. But Shiva hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before; though she took a nap, neither Shiva nor I wanted her going on the light rail. So I figured I could borrow Mother's car and drive Shiva back to my house; maybe I could even drive her to dinner. I called Mother to ask, and she said it was ok. I just had to wait for her to come home.

Things were looking good. Then Mother came home. I asked her about the car, and she got annoyed, mad at me for going to dinner and karaoke so late. I don't know why; I've done it before with pretty much the same people, and she was fine with it then. And she also knew that dinner was going to be late. I don't know why she got mad at me. Then she said she would drive me to pick up Shiva, instead of letting me drive. "You shouldn't drive at night. You'll crash!" Why are we back to this? -_- I've driven at night before.

Mother also wanted to go to Costco after picking up Shiva. But I realized, at that point in time, if she drove to campus, then back home, and then to Costco, it would have wasted gas and she might not have gotten to Costco by the time it closed. And just saying, in my house, Mother wanting to go to Costco is just as important as me wanting to go out with my friends.

I told Shiva about how the whole driving thing seemed to be working out. She didn't want to inconvenience my friends or Mother, so she offered to not join my friends and me D: I couldn't have that, especially if she hadn't eaten because she had planned to eat with us. She had things to tell me, but she insisted it was fine if I went with my friends. We kinda talked it out. I figured I only had a few options, none of which I really liked: I get Mother to drive, we'll waste gas, and she probably won't get to Costco; I eat with friends, and Shiva does not join us; or I eat with Shiva, and I won't see my friends. Or I could have stayed home and not see anyone. But that last one, I really didn't like.

A few other personal issues came up, that I had to take into consideration. And Mother was not getting any happier by the minute >_<

So I decided I would go eat with my friends and see Shiva the next day.

But my decision bothered me. I started thinking:
If Shiva's not coming with me, none of her roommates are home, and she doesn't have any food in the apartment, then she'll eat alone ): My friends, on the other hand, will still have each other to eat with, if I don't go. But I realize I've been the one telling Kat that we should hang out >_< But Shiva hasn't eaten anything for more than six hours because of me.

I changed my mind. I was going to see Shiva. I care about my friends, and I want to hang out with them. But Shiva's going to be alone. Even though she said she would be ok, I was worried anyway. I wanted to see her Friday to make sure she was all right and to see if her retreat had been good because she had been worried about it before.

So yeah, I changed my mind. Mother was happy. I wasn't going out of the city. I wasn't going to come home after midnight. I was gonna be somewhere safe, somewhere I've gone often. She had preferred that I sleep over at Shiva's on campus rather than go to another city to eat and sing. It made Mother happier, and it also meant I wouldn't come home and disturb her sleep because she has a difficult time getting to sleep late. And I can't get into the house without waking her up because she uses the door latch at night -_- Anyway, yeah. She rushed me out of the house as soon as I said, "I'll go to campus and stay there, so you won't have to drive back and forth twice."

On the drive to campus, I texted Kat and Ariane, telling them that Shiva and I weren't going anymore. Tried to explain why in 160 characters or less, which wasn't easy. Ariane seemed frustrated or angry in her replies >_< She said that it would be ok to drive Shiva if we pitched in gas money, but at this point I was already at campus and lost the mood to karaoke. Kat offered to switch from singing karaoke to watching a movie in theaters in San Jose. Shiva and I were fine with it if we could get a ride, since we were both on campus at this point, heading to Tandoori Oven to eat. But I received no more replies after 20h40, so I figured they all decided to go without us and/or they were mad/upset at me for ditching them or leaving already <_<

I felt bad. But when I had initially decided to go eat with my friends, I was feeling worse that Shiva would be by herself. And I thought, "If I'm gonna be with my friends and thinking about Shiva eating alone or not at all, I'm gonna be worried all night, and I don't know how much fun I'll have."

And honestly, this was an afterthought that occurred when I was trying to go to sleep Friday night: I want to spend as much time with Shiva as I can these next four or so months. Because after she graduates in May, I have no idea when I will actually get to hold her again. We'll probably end up in a long-distance relationship, and I just wanna see her when I can and make our moments together last as long as possible....


So Kat, Ariane, and Andrew, I don't know if you read this, but I'm sorry for bailing on you at the last minute. Sorry, Kat, since it was my last chance to see you before you went back to Harvard. It was messed up on my part 'cause I said I'd go and then I didn't. I hope you don't think I didn't hang out with you just because she's my girlfriend. That wasn't it. I really did try to think this through and find what all the pros and cons were for all the decisions. In the end, I figured that it would be better if everyone was with someone, even if it wasn't with everyone they had wanted. Yeah, I probably could have done things better, but I didn't. Sorry if it upset you, but I made my decision to go. I don't regret it. And I hope you guys had fun that night without me.


So yeah, I hung out with Shiva. We talked. She shared a lil bit about what happened at Leadership Today, the retreat she went on. The first thing she told me about, how she introduced the topic made me stop and sweat a little because I thought someone had gotten seriously injured and she mentioned a name of a professor I know. But what had happened was not as tragic but still really terrible. And it had impacted Shiva greatly, as did the rest of the retreat...

Before she shared more about LT, we went to eat at The Tandoori Oven. Saag paneer and cholay bhature (looked it up on their website just now). Definitely can't read or pronounce any of that well, but that's ok XD Tasty. Took some of both home.

The rest of the night, because I hadn't received any more texts, I was worried that my friends were angry at me ;-; especially since I've never had this kinda conflict before and stuff. Shiva was worried that my friends would dislike her because they'd think she took me away from them (Same thing's happened to her in regard to me. I'm still not that well-liked, I guess heh <_<;). I assured her that if that's what they thought, I would tell them the truth that I had decided on my own without any influence from her. I had even initially told her that I was gonna eat with my friends. But anyway, I tried to reassure Shiva that my friends wouldn't dislike her for Friday because she wasn't the one who decided what I was going to do.

After that, we just laid in bed and talked. Or mostly Shiva did. LT was good for her :) I'm so glad. She had been worried about it, but it turned out to be "life-inspiring" as she put it. I was really happy to hear it.

And I'm just gonna say that the conversation in her room that night, along with all our other conversations during the night, made my night better :3 I was surprised and confused XD I didn't know what to say or think. I was just like O_O I'm still not sure haha XD Kinda. I dunno. I don't think I'm thinking enough haha. Wasn't sure what to think. But I know I was happy :)

Went to sleep pretty early. But I woke up soon after, thinking and worrying. I didn't get much sleep >_> Was thinking about how to apologize and stuff like that. But eventually I realized all I could apologize for was the not showing up when I said I would. No apologizing for not leaving Shiva to be by herself. No apologizing for all the good stuff that happened Friday night. I can't explain the good things, but it just made me really happy.

Saturday, we woke up kinda early. Shiva had planned to go with Michelle W to the mall because Michelle wanted someone to accompany her as she got a naval piercing. Shiva wanted me to stay in her room to sleep -_- Instead, I tagged along.

Michelle drove us to Valley Fair. Went to the body piercing shop, Body Jewelz, I think. Checked out the piercings and stuff. Then when Michelle got her piercing, Shiva and I recorded it and her reaction on two cameras XD So funny. The guy who did the piercing was nice and funny, making fun of us XP We know the three of us don't look older than 18 haha.

After the piercing, Shiva and I bought a caramel pecanbon from Cinnabon. Tasty, but so unhealthy. Michelle drove us back to campus. Shiva and I spent the rest of the day in her dorm. For some reason, the order of the things we did isn't in my head o_o;

I remember watching "Iron Man 2." It wasn't very good. The plot wasn't all that interesting. The final fight scene was so quick. I was hoping it would redeem some of the movie, but it didn't. The main villain wasn't very convincing either. I dunno. The movie was off, didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the first movie.

I also remember eating leftover cholay bhature. The frame of my glasses broke. Shiva fixed it with tape <_< so I look more like a geek now (When I went home on Sunday, I actually re-taped it. So I probably look a little geekier). Shiva talked about LT some more. Sadly, I can't remember what else we did Saturday other than talk and stuff.

Sunday, we were awoken by a early morning phone call from Shiva's aunt. Learned that Shiva's paternal grandfather had died. Her aunt was trying to reach Shiva's dad. I couldn't do anything but hold Shiva. I didn't know what to say. I haven't experienced the death of someone close to me, unless you count Earl. But anyway, yeah, we were awake then. Shiva talked about her grandfather. I listened, hoping I knew what I could say. Nothing really came out.

I fell back to sleep, and Shiva left the room. I woke an hour later, and Shiva wasn't back. So I walked out to the living room, and she was there, using her computer. I sat with her. We looked at textbook prices. She's got 11 books she needs for her classes next semester. So fun <_<

Watched "The Kids Are All Right." Not what we expected. Much more sex than we liked. Thought the movie would be more family-focused, but no. The only character Shiva and I felt sympathy for was Nic. But other than that, we thought the characters were underdeveloped. I think the ending was a quick, "happy" ending. Closure, but not real closure.

After the movie, we took a bus to Safeway, since Shiva had almost no food in her kitchen. Earlier, I had called Mother to ask her to pick us up from Safeway. I told her it would take at least an hour and a half in Safeway for us to get stuff, but she misunderstood me. So while Shiva and I were in Safeway, Mother and D came an hour early. Mother kept calling me, asking if we were done. We were not. She was getting frustrated. So I had to cut the grocery shopping short. Mother came into the store to look for us too -_- Went and paid for everything. Went out to the car. D was driving because Mother didn't know the area. Drove back to campus. Helped Shiva carry all the stuff back up. Then left.

In the car, Mother just yelled at me for helping my friends too much. "Why are you so good to your friends? One day, they're going to turn on you. They won't help you when you really need them to. They haven't helped you with anything. How could you ignore our family and help your friends? Don't you care about us? You're just gonna ignore us and let our house be destroyed." She said things like this, among other negative things I care not to mention. While she's spilling all this babble, I was just thinking, "Well, when I do help you, all you do is get mad at me for not doing it all the time or not doing it correctly. Then you yell at me to stop and you do it yourself. So what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to just stick around, do things for you while you talk about how lazy, unhelpful, or ungrateful I am, and be happy about how much good I'm doing for the family?"

I know I'm probably in the wrong for some of the things I do. But being angry and yelling at me all the time isn't gonna help me make 'better' decisions. It just makes me wish other things would happen..


I know I probably focused more on the negative stuff. But trust me, there were a lot of positives this weekend. I just can't help but feel like the good stuff that happen to me tend to end in negative crap.

There were good times this weekend. Little to no worries. I can't explain how things were good. I'm so bad with words haha. But the conversations, the words, were unexpected but really good.

Oh haha, Shiva's been trying to convince me that I should go to Leadership Today next year. I'll think about it. I had kinda wanted to go to this year's retreat, but the timing just didn't work out. Hopefully, next year's timing will be better. I wouldn't mind being inspired, you know. But who knows if I will be? I have a hard time believing in inspiration.


But anyway, yeah, that was my weekend. Kinda. Ups and downs. Trying to focus on the ups, but the downs have weight.

Not sure what I mean by my title anymore haha. Just something from inside my head... There are no explanations there right now haha.