New Toshiba netbook...

Because my desktop got the virus a while back, Mother decided I should get a new computer. So I now have a new red Toshiba netbook. 10.0-inch screen. About $400. I feel bad that I got this, but now I can actually do more homework on campus XD

She and D called me while I was in the library with Shiva and one of our classmates studying for our midterm tomorrow. She kept calling me to ask me what I wanted and stuff. I didn't know. I'm not that computer savvy.

But anyway, yeah, new netbook. Yay. Now I won't have to kill my back bringing a laptop to campus when I need to use one. And it's got Windows 7 Starter, yee yee.

I'm still gonna use my desktop. When I'm home, which isn't often. At least not for the past two weeks. I'll just use my desktop to print stuff. Since I don't have a cord to connect my netbook directly to the printer. Hmm, need to download and install stuff on the netbook sometime. Maybe tomorrow, when I feel like wasting studying time XD

Anyway, yeah, that's all I wanted to say. Other than "I've never been a laptop person, but now I'm pretty sure I need one 'cause I don't get much writing done at home anymore." Hm...

Harrison's Water Fight/Movie Night

This past week has been pretty good and tiring. I don't update often anymore 'cause I'm not home for most of my awake time. When I am home, it's usually early in the day and late at night. Too tired to update stuff. I'm not even keeping up with my YouTube subscriptions D: So sad. I have about thirty videos to watch.

Anyway, just been going to class and being with Shiva and few other persons.

Shiva and I watched "Inception" on Sunday. Missed the first couple of minutes though. But the movie was pretty good. I didn't completely understand the movie, but it was captivating and the effects were spiffy. DiCaprio sure picks some awesome films to act in. Anyway, the theater was crowded. Shiva and I had to sit toward the front to watch the movie. Neck cramp for me -_- but it was all good. We enjoyed ourselves.

Oh, the squirrel came back to me yesterday XD but I didn't feed it this time. And it wasn't being persistent about getting food.

Been really distracted this past week by a certain someone >_> Really need to get reading and work done this weekend. Must focus real hard.

Oh, Harrison and I decided yesterday evening (while waiting for Shiva to finish Kendo practice) that we shall share a super burrito from La Vic's from time to time. Our bonding time haha. Maybe one day I'll be hungry enough for us to share a Burritozilla from Iguanas.


Anyway, today, I went to campus to help Shiva make food for Harrison's party. What was it? Mitarashi dango? I don't remember exactly what it was called. But yeah. Tasty stuff. Messy process haha. I kinda screwed up and put in too much water in the mixture. Instead of making twenty-five pieces, we made more than seventy pieces. Using toothpicks instead of skewers (gotta love Shiva's resourcefulness).

After we finished, Michelle (Shiva's roommate) gave Shiva, Marian, and me a ride to Harrison's so that the four of us could enjoy the water fight XD The four of us spent about an hour and a half filling up water balloons and tossing them into the kiddie pool in front of Harrison's house.

I hadn't planned on participating in the water fight, but people got me with the balloons -_- so I ended up joining in. Took the longest time for me to dry off haha.

After Shiva and I were done with the balloons, I walked with her to a house I used to live in. It looks completely different. Lots of memories in that house for me. Many good, many bad. But really, I just remember all the bike-riding.

Anyway, back to the party... I need to walk barefoot more often. The soles of my feet are so sensitive; so disappointing. I used to go barefoot with no problems. Today, every twig and rock hurt my feet T-T

When we got back to Harrison's house, all of the water balloons were gone. Group pictures. I made a strange face for the silly pictures o_o Can't wait to see those >_>

I didn't really eat too much. There were pizza, cupcakes, sodas, vegetables, and other stuff. Food did not agree with my stomach ): And I was soaked. No extra clothes, blah. Borrowed Shiva's shirt haha.

Started watching "Ocean's Eleven," but most people weren't paying attention. So "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" was put in, and more attention was held by this. Realized Cary Elwes was the actor playing Robin Hood O: Shocking, especially since I've only ever thought of him as Dr Gordon from "Saw."

Left Harrison's place at 21h45-ish. Michelle gave me a ride home.


Now, I'm home. Yay. Tried to eat something to make my stomach feel better. But nothing wants to go into my stomach and stay there.

Mm, need to get stuff done this weekend. I hope I do. Readings and papers. I can do this. Just need to focus and not get distracted.

Going to campus tomorrow and on Sunday to work on stuff and study for a midterm.

Three weeks of summer session left. About five weeks of summer break. Helping Shiva move to her old apartment next weekend, wooo.

Blah blah blah. My brain is starting to become mush. Exhausted... Need sleep. Forgetting things. Thoughts jumping around, feeling semi-coherent.

Ok, good night.

Heart-racing calmness....

Who would have ever suspected my life would go how it's going right now? I didn't. I still find it hard to believe my life can be how it is right now. Ups and downs, as always. But they're not the ups and downs I had expected. The ups are better than I thought. The downs are too varied for me to compare them to my expectations.

But for the moment, all I'm focusing on are the ups. The ups are pretty damn amazing....

----

Second summer session started on Monday. I'm so exhausted. My classes and professors seem interesting enough though. Went home hella late on Monday and Wednesday. Always too tired to do homework XP Stayed late on Tuesday and Thursday to do readings and stuff for SOCI 154 at Shiva's place.

Went to Kendo on Thursday, but I spent most of the time trying to read.

Oh, on Tuesday, while I was waiting for Shiva to get out of class, I was sitting at a bench near the CCB and Music building. I was reading a library book. When I took a break to watch a squirrel from afar, it came over to me. Ran in circles around my bench. Stopped and looked at me. Then it climbed onto the bench and sniffed at me. Put its front paws on me. Passersby stopped and talked to me about the squirrel, exclaiming that they had never seen any squirrel do that before (without any visible treats). Then the squirrel climbed onto my book. So I set the book down on the bench. Then the squirrel started biting the book D: So I pulled the book away. As I did that, the squirrel bit my watch T-T So I shooed it away, but it stayed and sniffed at my shoes. So I gave it an almond treat that Shiva had bought for me. The squirrel ate it for a couple of minutes and came back to me for more food. So I got up and sat at another bench. Five minutes later, the squirrel found me. Again, more shooing and finding yet another bench. Eventually, it did leave me alone.

When I recounted this story to Shiva, she told me I was attacked by a squirrel -_- I was NOT attacked by a squirrel; it just came to me for food.


The rest of the week hasn't had much else happen outside of classrooms or Shiva's apartment, where I've spent the majority of my time.

Harrison came over to chill at the apartment on Wednesday. But not really with Shiva and me. He came to chill primarily with Michelle, Shiva's roommate O: haha (On Sunday, Free Slurpee Day, Harrison and I had gone to campus to chill with Shiva and get slurpees. Roommates [Marian and Michelle] came along.)

And then yesterday night, Shiva, Harrison, Michelle, and two others went bar hopping to celebrate Shiva's birthday. Yay for drunk texting. Those texts are totally going to be saved on my phone XD At least for a few weeks haha.


Hmm, today was intriguing indeed. I came over to try to do homework for 154, which I didn't get to do yesterday. Harrison had slept over. Haha drunk Harrison seems to be the same person as sober Harrison. Pictures and videos make me wish I was 21, so I could have gone out with these guys last night XD haha. Seemed like fun.

Anyway, got some reading done in Shiva's room. Including the reading Shiva and I have to do for 154. But we didn't actually get to the homework assignment >_> Got waayyy too distracted during the reading <_< Silly games and such hahaha....

Shortest goodbye this week tonight XP only because Mother drove to campus to pick me up. But I guess it's better to fall asleep in the car than on the light rail.


Have to go back to campus tomorrow to finish the reading and homework XP Hopefully won't get too distracted then. Might even try to finish early enough so that Shiva and I can go watch "Inception" :D Though >_> I have a feeling that major distractions will arise again....

Root canals aren't that bad...

Past couple of days have been interesting. Haven't updated about any of it because my computer contracted a virus T-T Apparently downloaded itself into my computer. It wouldn't let me connect to any website except for one that "sells" an anti-virus program called AV Security Suite. Couldn't open up the task manager or Control Panel to get rid of it. Kept giving me warnings about how files on my computer were infected. Wouldn't let me open any of my programs T-T

But now the virus is gone. Yay for online removal instructions.

If I couldn't get rid of the virus today, I would have been allowed to buy a netbook O: Wow. Oh well. I'm good with my desktop until it craps out on me or something.

Ooh, D's gonna give me his external hard drive so that I can put my music files in it, just in case my desktop does decide to die.


But anyway, back to Thursday. Went to campus around 15h00 after driving Mother to the eye doctor. Chilled with Shiva. Was going to go to Music in the Park. But friggin' headache meant loud music would not be a good idea T-T

Hmm, it's been a while, so details have disappeared from my brain D: but I remember Jay and Veronica coming over to write stuff in a birthday card to the Naginata sensei. They like the smell of permanent marker, egh XP Then off to Kendo/Naginata.

Gave the birthday card and a nagamaki to the Naginata sensei. Took pictures. Fun stuff. I still find it weird that I'm being included in all these club things >_> 'cause I'm not actually a part of the club.

Hm, the sensei for Kendo said that I lied O: He said I said I would show up to all the practices. But I didn't T-T I said I would try to come watch sometime. Haha he went out and brought a cushiony chair into the basketball court for me to sit on XD He told me if I keep showing up, he'd bring in a chair for me every time haha XP

So I sat in the chair and watched the few people who showed up practice. Tried to take pictures, but Shiva's camera is too slow or the people are just too fast :P haha Veronica broke Jay's naginata in half XD That was pretty awesome. I mean, not for the naginata. But it was interesting to see. I looked over at them for two seconds before it happened.

But anyway, fun stuff to watch. Shiva and I left the practice about an hour early. Back to her place. Then out for a walk and food. Iguana's, my first time there. Ran into Jonathan G (the guy I met at parties) and his coworkers. Talked for a while. His coworkers left. He stayed to walk with Shiva and me >_> Ate foods in front of the SJ Rep. Yay, wind and stuff haha. Green sauce was interesting.

Walked back to room. Sprinklers! I got soaked. I meant to pull Shiva through with me, but she resisted -_- Darn you, Shiva.

Anyway, Jon went home. Shiva and I went back up to her room, though I wanted to keep walking outside. Outside was nice. Would have gone back outside, but somehow we managed to pass time in her room for quite a while before going to sleep. Oh yeah, CUTE KITTEN VIDEOS.... ^_^ Adorrrable.

But anyway, we ended up going to bed at like 1h30 or something like that :P An interesting night's sleep it was for me.

Waking up was interesting too. I had set my alarm for 6h30 as usual. I woke up at 6h30. Got up at 6h40. Shiva made me go back to bed for an hour -_-

Marian gave us both a ride to the dentist all the way past the car dealerships on Capitol O: So far from campus.

45-minute appointment. And Shiva has to go back on Friday 'cause her root canal's not done, hm.

Bus and light rail back to campus. Took about an hour. Went by really quickly.

What did we do the rest of the day? I don't really remember. Though, I do recall being attacked by Shiva's fingers T-T I could still feel the tickles when I went home. Phantom tickles -shudders-

Oh, we also watched "Sherlock Holmes" :D Interesting movie.

Holmes: "Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow, lies the key to my release."
Maid: -screams, runs-

And I didn't know that Sherlock Holmes could plan out physical attacks in his head so quickly o_o Those scenes were pretty awesome.

If you haven't watched the movie, you should. It's pretty entertaining.


Mm, other than that, there's not much else for me to share about Thursday and Friday. Well, I could... but nahh... :P You don't need to know everything haha.


Yesterday and today was full of me driving family around. Fun stuff >_> But anyway, now, it seems that I shall be chillin' with Shiva and Harrison some more before 10 and sleep :P

So good night haha.

The fireworks went BOOM BOOM BOOM hahaha...

So yesterday was an awesome, chill day :)

Chilled with Harrison since like 14h20. We went to Valley Fair so that he could buy jeans. Jeans are sooo expensive x_x The pants that were cheap/on sale did not fit me or were styles that I do not like (Stupid skinny jeans. And ripped jeans are cool when you don't pay for the rips). The (straight, mid-rise) jeans that I liked and which did fit were not on sale ): $70+ That's all I had on me XP so yeah, no way I'd pay for one pair of jeans with all my money.

Anyway, after visiting several stores (Gap, Macy's, Lucky Brand Jeans, Levi's, etc etc), Harrison finally settled on a pair of good ol' Levi's and a nice plaid shirt.

Then we drove across the street to Santana Row (I never knew they were across the street from each other 'til yesterday >_>). Walked to the Fantasia Tea Cafe. Got myself a Honeydew Delight (deeelicious) and tiramisu. Expensive stuff.

After that, Harrison and I went to SJSU to chill at Shiva's for a while. Interesting conversations >_> Harrison, Shiva, Marian, and I left around 19h15 for the SJSU Stadium parking lot in Harrison's SUV. Parking was $15 O: Expensive, yo...

We were there somewhat early so we could claim a good spot for the fireworks-viewing. I texted Ariane to see if she was coming, but no she couldn't ): Sadness. Anyway, listened to some of Harrison's music on his iTouch. Such a small selection XP He doesn't have like the really good songs from some artists. Like, for Michael Jackson, he didn't have "PYT," "Billie Jean," or even "Thriller" D: Horrible.

Shiva was trying to write a paper. Slow, slow-going haha XP And OMFG, the three of them attacked me with cameras @_@ noooo... T-T Now, I suppose I will wait for the pictures to show up on Facebook >_>

But anyway, the fireworks started at 21h30. They were beautiful. I liked the ones that reminded me of sea urchins and sand dollars. I didn't bring a camera, so I just sat there and watched while the other three took pictures. And ooh, Shiva just reminded me haha, there was a point in the show where they set of rows of fireworks, and it reminded me of Space Invaders XD Then I thought it would be perfect if aliens did decide to invade Earth right at that time. We could take some of 'em out with fireworks :D

Despite the windiness, I was very warm and everything haha XD I'm like an electric blanket, but so so much better hahaha ^_^ Mm, warmth and comfy-ness.... I'm just awesome, ya dig? :P

The show lasted half an hour. The leaving the parking lot after the show was over also lasted about half an hour. We just chilled in the car, talking, listening to the radio, and blinding/flashing each other (with cameras) XP

Drove back to campus. Chilled some more in the apartment. More interesting conversations.

Me: But it's not stubbly!
Harrison: I know. My beard is too frisky... I meant, prickly! Ahh...

Haha silly Harrison XP Now, we know beards can be frisky. Or at least Harrison's can be.

Anyway, for like three hours, the four of us chilled on the couch, talking and kinda eating. Of course, Shiva was being her studious self and working on her paper. Eventually, I kinda just stopped talking -nods- Listening and thinking took over... But I was comfortable with how things were going.

Last night, 'twas a good night ^_^ Was home by 2 in the morning haha. Mother wasn't very happy about that, but she didn't yell at me anymore.

I almost nearly zonked out when I got into bed. But I was awake for maybe ten minutes, thinking about stuff before I finally passed out. This morning, I woke up early, but I didn't get up out of bed till 11h00. Blah. Need to get up early out of bed again, since the second summer session starts next week O:


Anyway, yee yee, last night was off the heezy! Chill, chill times :)

Mm, yeah, that's all I've got to say. Now, I'ma just chillax, watch a movie or two, and read.

Peace out.

"There have been studies that say being naked helps brain cells..."

So Mother's recruited D's help in looking for a new place to move to. Yes, the search has started up again. But this time, she's looking outside San Jose too D: I don't know how that would work with me going to SJSU. Maybe if we moved to Milpitas or Campbell. Whatever's in the 408 area.

Mm, I kinda want to move 'cause I don't have any friends to talk to in this neighborhood. And there aren't any parks close by for me to walk to. But SSSJ is where a lot of people (from high school) are at. I guess it doesn't matter if I never really talk to them anyway, right? Though, even if we move somewhere else, I still probably would shut myself in and not make any new friends haha.

Hm, I wanna move closer to or into downtown, but Mother doesn't like the neighborhoods around there. I dunno. If we moved somewhere around there, she'd be closer to her Viet friends and stores, and my commute to campus would be sooo much shorter. Although, a 26-minute light rail ride isn't too bad. I just wouldn't risk falling asleep on the light rail, you know? haha...

Anyway, if we move somewhere else, Mother's paranoia might go away. Or well, it wouldn't go away, but it wouldn't be so bad as it is now. She keeps getting mad at me for not being home to fend off burglars >_> Hmm..

But back to the moving thing, we're looking for another two-bedroom place. Difficult to find another two-bedroom house for rent. Townhouse or apartment, probably. 1000+ square feet. Again, somewhat difficult to find. At least for Mother's price range, which is < $1500. Asking a bit much, isn't she? Mm, she was looking as far as Alameda County ): Cheaper homes there. Damn it, I don't wanna move that far. How would I get to school?

I told her she could move there if she wanted. I could move out and get a room for myself somewhere around SJSU. Of course, I still need to find a friggin' job haha. Yeah, fun stuff..


Aaanyway, yesterday was fun :) Chilled with Ariane, Maggie, and Autumn at Oakridge for a lil bit ^_^ Good to see y'all again. You need to stop making me feel so embarrassed about stuffs XD haha... Call you right after it happens, pffft XP I don't like y'all that much. hahaha jkjk.

So we went around to Victoria's Secret >_> and Target and Macy's. Swimsuits, mm. Someone's gotta stop being so embarrassed about wearing bathing suits haha :P C'mon, even I have worn two-pieces haha. And I definitely, definitely do not like showing skin >_> <_< >_> But anyway, this is where the entry title comes in. Autumn's bit of wisdom for the day, yeah? haha... Yay for nudism? haha I'm sure the salesgirl probably thought our conversation was an interesting one XP hm.

Oh oh, later, when we were near Macy's, I ran into Thien (from SJSU/QTIP/Q&A). A hugpatpat from me, and a reminder about karaoke haha XD I don't even know if that's gonna happen this summer haha. Right after that, Phiphi showed up out of nowhere haha. Though, I don't think she remembered me. Or she did, but we don't know each other very well haha. So she hugged the other three, and I just stood and smiled haha.

After some catching up, the four of us took a while to decide where to go and all. After some dancing and singing with Ariane (Dynamite! XD haha I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ayo, gotta let go. I wanna celebrate and live my life, saying ayo, baby let's go...), we finally decided to go to Le Boulanger and the Jamba Juice that Ariane works at. Yay employee discounts ^_^ Then we were off to Ariane's house.

Geez, it's been hella long since I've been there. Been more than two years, how sad. Watched a bit of E! True Hollywood Story. Was about Will Smith.

Then about 5, I had to leave. So Ariane drove me home and the others back to Autumn's car at Oakridge. On the way to my house, we were kinda singing along to the radio haha. "California Gurls" played. Gotta sing along to that XD Such a fun song. I really like it haha. California gurls, we're undeniable. Fine, fresh, fierce. We got it on lock. West Coast represent. Now put your hands up.

Wow, I feel like I sang a lot yesterday >_> hahaha....


After I got home, I didn't stay home 'cause Mother wanted me to drive her somewhere and do stuff. So I wasn't home till like 21h00 or something. Was home for an hour before I had to drive Mother again to bring water to Brother. He's broke and jobless, and he's still going out to party and stuff o_o He's in Santa Cruz today with his friends -shrug- Whatever. I just find it stupid that Mother gets mad at him for going out so much when he's not working, yet she gives him everything he asks for anyway.

Oh well. Today will be a good day. Gonna go to Valley Fair with Harrison. Then to the Independence Day fireworks at the SJ Giants' stadium. Of course, there will be in-between things to do. Might chill at Shiva's for a bit. Then Harrison will probably give Shiva, her roommate Marian, and me a ride to the fireworks XD Yay, fireworks! Fireworks go BOOM! :P haha I'm excited. I haven't seen live fireworks since Expo back in '05.


Hmm... Random, but I kinda wanna go to a dance party o_o Don't really wanna go to a club. Too many strangers. Don't want some creep dancing up on people again >_> But dancing sounds fun, yeah? Hmm...


And I realize that Expo is almost over T-T There's like 5 hours left -sigh- Next year? Maybe next year.


Ok, now, my head's kinda empty of thoughts to share... Time to think of other interesting things...

I just needed this...

I'm still positive positive positive, but I still wonder about the negative... I'm feeling like I could never be as good... good enough...

Am I waging a battle against nostalgia? Or an idealized future? If I am, I don't think I could win. Is it against hopelessness? Is it against distrust and sheer disbelief? Am I fighting a battle against a mind that's set on believing I can't do right? Again, I don't know if I'll come out victorious.

But I can only hope, yeah?

I just need a chance. I just need to give myself a chance.

Will I do right by you? Who knows? Maybe I've done enough to piss you off or to make you believe I will never be good enough. Done enough to feed your doubts about me. Or maybe I just haven't done enough. I'm getting the same results either way, right?

I want to do right by you. I really do. But it doesn't feel like you're giving me a chance. You need to give me a chance. For things to work out, I need to be given a chance. I need hope. I need your hope, your trust, and your effort as well. I can't do this by my will alone. There needs to be more.

Please don't give up on me. Please don't give up. We need this. I need this. You need me, all of me. Not just what you see of me, not just what you expect of me. I'm finally looking up, so please don't give up.

Don't give up. Try. Believe. I need you to believe. In you, in me, in everything else. If you don't believe in me, I don't know how I can keep trying and holding on. Because everything else I thought I was holding on for is slowly blurring away. You're starting to come into focus.

For now, I can just say I believe enough... I can do this... You can do this... This will all work out in the end, and everyone's gonna be happy. We're all gonna be ok. Just need to keep believing, hoping, going.

You're hoping and trusting, yeah? I hope so.


I just needed this... To empty out my head for the night/morning. I hope it works.

Bonne nuit, mes amis.