I just needed this...

I'm still positive positive positive, but I still wonder about the negative... I'm feeling like I could never be as good... good enough...

Am I waging a battle against nostalgia? Or an idealized future? If I am, I don't think I could win. Is it against hopelessness? Is it against distrust and sheer disbelief? Am I fighting a battle against a mind that's set on believing I can't do right? Again, I don't know if I'll come out victorious.

But I can only hope, yeah?

I just need a chance. I just need to give myself a chance.

Will I do right by you? Who knows? Maybe I've done enough to piss you off or to make you believe I will never be good enough. Done enough to feed your doubts about me. Or maybe I just haven't done enough. I'm getting the same results either way, right?

I want to do right by you. I really do. But it doesn't feel like you're giving me a chance. You need to give me a chance. For things to work out, I need to be given a chance. I need hope. I need your hope, your trust, and your effort as well. I can't do this by my will alone. There needs to be more.

Please don't give up on me. Please don't give up. We need this. I need this. You need me, all of me. Not just what you see of me, not just what you expect of me. I'm finally looking up, so please don't give up.

Don't give up. Try. Believe. I need you to believe. In you, in me, in everything else. If you don't believe in me, I don't know how I can keep trying and holding on. Because everything else I thought I was holding on for is slowly blurring away. You're starting to come into focus.

For now, I can just say I believe enough... I can do this... You can do this... This will all work out in the end, and everyone's gonna be happy. We're all gonna be ok. Just need to keep believing, hoping, going.

You're hoping and trusting, yeah? I hope so.


I just needed this... To empty out my head for the night/morning. I hope it works.

Bonne nuit, mes amis.