In thirteen days...

If I haven't talked to you for a while or asked you how you're doing, I apologize.

I've been getting all caught up in my head about family and other things. Focusing way too much on myself. Feels selfish. Still thinking too much.

I don't really know what I'm doing. Just thinking a lot as usual. I've tried to post entries a few times in the past week, talking about how my week's been going, but I always end up deleting whole posts because I don't know what I want to share. There's a lot of thoughts going through my head lately, but sometimes it feels like they're just stuck in there rather than just passing through.

It's like when a DVD is damaged and always gets stuck at the same scene in a movie. It just keeps repeating that scene no matter how many times you press play, fast forward, or skip scene. It's just stuck there, going over and over again. Have you ever have that happen to you? In your head or on an actual TV screen? It doesn't really suck, but it gets annoying sometimes. If you're lucky, it will only happen during good scenes. It's less annoying that way. Could even be pleasant, if it were a really good scene. Mm...


Anyway, in thirteen days, a lot of things will happen or will have happened. Or it feels like a lot of things will. I'm hoping most of them will be good things.

In thirteen days, summer session will start for me, and I'll figure out if I can handle school. Can't wait for that. Three courses; this will be interesting...

In thirteen days, half of summer break will be gone. And I don't feel like I've wasted it, which is new to me. Still staying at home or chauffeuring much of the time, but I'm doing ok. It's definitely hard to be home, knowing I could be out and about, but I'm not complaining. Shocking, isn't it?

In thirteen days, Brother will find out what's gonna happen for him. I'm not sure how I want to feel about that. I already know how I feel about Mother's reaction to this whole situation. I wonder if I'll be prepared for her renewed reaction in two weeks.

Honestly, I don't know what's gonna happen between now and July 12th. A lot of good things can happen. Or a lot of bad. Or both. Or neither. Who can really say?

Lately, it feels like a lot of bad with some good mixed in here and there.

The timing of things is just off, I guess. Haven't been hearing what I've wanted to hear. And that's ok. I don't expect good things or anything like that. I don't really expect much at all.

I just wish... No, you know what? I'm not gonna wish. There's a lot of things that I hope go a certain way. But I can't wish for that. What's an empty wish anyway? I'm not making anything happen.

I feel like I need to make stuff happen. I wanna make something good happen. I don't know what I want to happen or how to go about making it happen. It's just a nice thought, you know? To help get the movie in my head unstuck.

Mm, I'm hoping for a change. The next two weeks will hopefully give me a good change. Though I am the same person as I have been at any point in my life prior to this moment, apparently, I'm already changing or changed, depending on who you talk to. For better in some ways, for worse in others. But I guess that's always the case, yeah?


I have no friggin' idea what I'm saying. How frustrating.


Ahh, I wanted to remember something. Hm. Oh. Remember, way back when I was on LiveJournal all the time, how I used to say something like "I wanna be happy with what I got and what I get"? I think I still feel the same way. Though, maybe more so now than I did back in high school. In high school, for the most part, I was still wanting good and better things, especially when I said I didn't. I wanted life to prove me wrong about how I should view the world and everything. Now, I really don't expect things to go any certain way. I mean, yeah, I've faltered with that a few times recently (Heh, old habits die hard?). But when things haven't been going how I want them to lately, it hurt, and then I was over it pretty quickly.

If half this sad stuff happened to me almost concurrently back in high school, I don't know how I would have dealt with it all then. I think my one-time emotional breakdown would have come sooner than it did, heh. But anyway, lately, yeah, I've cried about things, family-related or otherwise. And then I bounce back like an hour later, thinking much more clearly and calmly. And I dunno. It's weird. I'm not used to this calmness I have. No doubt, I still feel somewhat stressed and anxious about how things are going or how they will go. But it's not as overwhelming as I had initially feared.

Under this calm and collected facade that I've apparently maintained so very well, I've always been a nervous one. I might never show much on the outside, but on the inside, my emotions have wreaked havoc on me. I've had my fair share of teary nights.

During the past couple of weeks, maybe even months, though I have had a few sad days and teary nights, I've been handling my pressures and uncertainties quite well. With some help, I might add. Again, shocking, isn't it? Though I'm nowhere near perfect in handling anything, I feel like I'm doing better. Faltering at times, but I'm actually trying to do better now, rather than just saying that I want or need to do better.

And I'm trying to look up, look forward. Again, shocking. I just hope I don't give up on this again. Or on myself. I feel like I might, but I'm trying not to think like that so much. One day, maybe, this doubt of mine will be eradicated. That would be nice, wouldn't it?


Hmm, yay, positive stuff! I still don't know what I'm doing... now, later, short-term, or long-term. None of that. I only have an inkling. I want to graduate from SJSU as a Sociology major/Philosophy minor (I might add in another minor later on). That's thinking far ahead enough for me, ya dig?

Do you even remember a time where I planned anything at least a year in advance? I didn't think so. Again, I say I'm a changing person. I just never thought I would change for the better haha. Now, let's see if I change enough to take initiative to find a good first job.


Hmm, I think, in one of my next couple of entries, I'll say something about what I'm thinking of doing after college. That's if I come up with anything plausible. I don't have a clue as to what my future's gonna be like. But I'm gonna make it work. Any suggestions? Advice, ideas, and/or guidance would be greatly appreciated. And though I do appreciate the help of academic advisors, I value your opinions as much as, if not more than, I do theirs. Just saying.


Oh, I haven't used a single smiley in this entry yet. That's, again, shocking...


Time for sleep and not necessarily happy thoughts. Sleep and not-sad thoughts work for tonight. Good night :)