I feel like I'm always stuck in the past and can't let go of it. But I don't think I ever really confront it much either. So everything just stays stuck.

Today, Shiva and I confronted our past together. And it was difficult. I still don't know what to think. I suppose I still have a lot of anger and resentment that I never let myself express.

I want to be her friend. But I just don't know if I can now.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a long while. I just never had to actually face it.

But anyway, I got things off my chest. A lot of things I never said after we broke up. I put a lot of the blame on myself for our relationship. And I guess she took some of it off of me. She apologized.

And I don't know how I feel about any of this.

We're probably not gonna talk for a while. I'm still going to her graduation because I do want to see her graduate. But after that, I don't know what I would want from our friendship.

I guess I just need to process things and figure it out eventually.

It's not weird per se for someone to start showing a sweeter side of him or her to me when we've barely talked before. But it sure makes me wonder what's going on.

Maybe I'm just too stuck in my head. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

What am I doing in my head?? I should stop -_-

Variable Attraction

Sometimes, I think I see a trend in the kinds of people I find myself attracted to. Other times, I just think to myself, "Wtf? Why do I find them attractive?" or "Why don't I find them attractive?" (Granted, personality is major factor in my overall attraction to someone.)

I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.

But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.

It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?

Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.

I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.

I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?

Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.

Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.