I'm Jaded.

Hmm... I'm jaded? Jaded about people, dating, and relationships... Jaded. It all makes sense now haha.

Even though I have very, very little dating experience, I've witnessed a lot of things go down in the relationships of the people around me. All the stuff that has happened over the years definitely shaped how I view romance and dating. (People can be fucking crazy.)

I'm still hopeful. I have hope. But my realistic side is starting to have a stronger hold on my ability to reason. My emotional side will always be hopeful but uncertain. My rational side just knows anything can happen and not everything I want will be the right fit. And, more often than not, it knows that emotions cloud judgment.

What do I want in my life right now? Do I want a serious relationship? Do I just want to have fun and mess around? I kinda want both. But I know I want the serious more than anything. Do I feel ready for that though? I know I'm ready. Despite whatever stress I'm experiencing in my life at this point, I know I can handle a serious relationship. I'm in a good place. I'm happy with myself, moreso than ever. Obviously, I have my days where I don't feel that happiness and I struggle. But overall, I'm good. I'm ready.

I think what I'm not ready for is meeting people. Meeting the wrong people. Meeting the right people. Meeting them at the wrong time.

Lately, I feel like I've been meeting people at the wrong time. They're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm too ready.

With the various conversations I've had with friends over the past month or two, I've continually come to the conclusion that the people I've been interested in are "not good enough" for me. More my friends' words than my own. I just say we're on different levels. Or we're not on the same page or in the same book. I don't think I'm too good for anyone. I just think I'm meeting people that aren't quite where I am or vice versa. And we can't get to the same place together. We're out of alignment.

I'm starting to come to this conclusion on my own without help or input from friends. Just did about someone I recently met. I still think she's cute and sweet. But stepping back, I can kinda see an overall view of her, and it's not necessarily what I want. It's also not necessarily what I don't want. My interest in her is just that. Interest. Nothing provocative or irresistible.

I normally obsess when I'm interested because it's so rare that I'm interested. But it's not rare that I feel lonely. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I normally wish and hope that things work out, just to make the loneliness go away.

This time, I started to do that. But reality stepped in. Things and thoughts happened. Now, here I am, not obsessing in the way I normally do. Now, I feel like I'm being realistic and thoughtful. Alcohol-influenced events also helped move my thoughts in this direction.

The people I initially find myself attracted to don't always turn out to be the people I would actually want to be with. It usually just takes a damn long time for me to get that through my head. I'm learning now. How to remember that. Remember that attraction to a person, whether physical or emotional, doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I'm afraid I'll end up alone. I'm afraid I'll never meet someone I can connect with. I want to make a connection. I'm afraid that the people that I want to make a connection with aren't really the ones I want. I'm afraid I'll settle. I'm afraid I don't know when to settle or when to try harder to get something that I feel like I don't deserve. I'm afraid I won't know how to figure out if someone is worth my time and attention. I don't want to waste any of it on the wrong people. But maybe that's what I need to do to find the right people. Maybe the wrong people can become the right people. I don't know.

There's always something that holds me back or just trips me up when it comes to someone I'm interested in. But I'm learning. Sometimes, maybe what trips me up is the fact that I'm interested in someone just for the sake of finding someone.

I just need to stop looking. Or yearning. It's clouding my judgment. Maybe I should stop being interested in people who won't grow up, who won't give me the time of day, who won't connect with me, who just don't seem to be on my level. Those seem to be the only people I can meet lately.

Maybe I'm not jaded. Maybe I'm just being more mature than I normally am about this kinda thing.

Nah, I think I'm jaded :P and deliriously incoherent.