Date Written: 26.X.10
Dear Shiva,
Did I win the bet? :3 If I did, I get to say, "I told you so," and you owe me a lunch date. If not, I owe you a lunch date.
Just call me, yeah? Or email me. Or write me a letter. Get in touch with me however you want. I'll answer. You know I will.
If I did win, then you better let me say, "I told you so!" XP And we should totally party and celebrate :)
If I didn't win, well you can say, "I told you so," and we can have a friendly debate about the terms of this bet.
Deal:
By or on October 3, 2020, if I, Thuy, still don't hate you, Shiva, then I win, and I get to tell you, "I told you so!" and to be treated to a nice lunch with one lovely Shiva. If I do hate you by or on that date, then I owe you a lunch date.
I hope this is clear enough :O
I hope the Internet is still around; is it? And I hope you still read my blog too :) I hope I still update this blog :O
Anyway, I am most certain that I have won the bet. From the start, I had an advantage: You are just so.... I'm going to be cliche and say there are no words that could truly describe you. I hope you don't doubt that now. I hope I've managed to show you the truth in what I say and in what I've been saying (for hopefully ten years).
How could I hate you? Especially if you are honest with me. I wouldn't hate you for being honest. Never. I will only love and appreciate you for being who you are, a beautiful woman who has enriched my life and made it meaningful. You have truly opened my eyes, my mind, and my heart.
Love,
Thuy
aka Steel Cheeks
aka Chubby Kitty
P.S. Yes, I know I've written this letter as though I know I've already won from the beginning. I'm pretty sure I have. But no matter what happens, I hope this letter brings a happy smile to your face :) Please always cherish the memories, the good and the bad, that we have had together. Remember that we got through the toughest storms together, and we're still both ok.
P.P.S. Whether as a friend or more, I love you.
P.P.P.S. For all the pain I have caused you in years past, I am truly sorry. For all the pain you have caused me in years past, I've never held it against you. You were always forgiven. You've brought more light than darkness into my life. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. You will always be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received in my life, even if I didn't deserve you. I love you, Soul Friend.
Saturday, October 3, 2020
Friday, September 11, 2020
Still anxious and lonely in 2020
People have been saying that 2020 has been an apocalyptic year. Australian bushfires, COVID-19 pandemic, recession and stock market crash, Black Lives Matter, murder hornets, hurricanes, three of the largest US West Coast fires. Plus, we're hearing more about human rights violations and atrocities around the world (e.g. government responses to BLM, Uyghurs in China, Hong Kong protests and security law).
It's weird that we react like this stuff was only happening this year. Everything happening now is a consequence of everything happening before it.
Thinking about the world and the state that it's in, I can't help but think we were already and always in this situation. Being stuck at home with less to do just means it may be harder to distract ourselves from the world. Some folks are reinvigorated in their actions to promote some kind of change in response to what's happening now. Some people want everything to go back to the way it was before 2020, but doesn't that just mean the events of 2020 would repeat itself? Or maybe no matter what we do now, history will repeat itself anyway; so what's the point?
I think the point is that we at least tried to make things better. Change something, even if it's small, because we know something wasn't working before.
----
The world makes me anxious. The news makes me anxious. My thoughts make me anxious. My anxiety has been manageable.
I'm still talking to my therapist. Thank all of the intelligent thinkers and inventors who paved the way for video conferencing. Thank humanity for developing psychotherapy to help itself.
I won't lie though. Sometimes, therapy makes me anxious too. Like I learn or discover things about myself that I thought I already knew or had already ruled out, and they just hit me harder than I would have expected; and I just feel frozen. How do I face these discoveries? How do I address them? How did I miss them? How did I overlook them? How did I misinterpret them? It's a spiraling path of thought.
At this time, I'm facing my loneliness again. It's something I have acknowledged before and proactively worked at. Learning how to be okay by myself and not seeking others to distract myself from loneliness. But now, it seems I've gone to the far end of passively isolating myself (again). I still talk to my friends through group chats, but that's limited in itself. And when I have difficult moments that I struggle through, I reach out to them. But not always. Do I not trust my friends enough to reach out to them every time I'm struggling? I know I trust my friends. I guess maybe I worry that my friends will get tired of having to help me, even though I know through experience that they will always find a way to help me and to be there to support me. And that's all I ever really ask of them. Maybe internally, I'm hoping for someone to magically take away the erratic thoughts and feelings, even though I know I'm the only one who can make a difference in my actual mind. My friends can only do so much from where they are; they can't go into my head and change anything. So maybe it's not an issue of trust; maybe it's my unrealistic expectations. I know the limits of what my friends can do for me, but I still want more because I'm not sure I can do enough for myself.
I still don't trust myself. I don't believe in my own strength. Or I do believe; it's just not a consistent belief. I forget what I'm capable of. I've brought myself out of dark places. I've risen up from rock bottom multiple times. Even if it felt temporary, I've been capable and strong enough.
A moment of weakness is really a moment of strength because you fight for the next moment. If you can look back on that difficult moment, that means you had the strength to make it to the next moment.
I tell my friends that because I truly believe it for them. I want to believe it for myself.
----
I still have moments where the symptoms of anxiety suddenly appear out of nowhere. But I know they're not out of nowhere. I have to consciously focus on the triggers and acknowledge they just happen; don't let my brain believe in any non sequitur thoughts. Those long moments of random fireworks shooting in September don't mean anything, except people celebrating Labor Day; I'm not in any moment other than that; I'm not having a panic attack during the EDC fireworks. The sudden icy cold feeling on my skin is just my body sweating in reaction to something that I'm not consciously aware of yet; I'm not disappearing from reality. My current experiences of anxiety are just a lot of talking myself down from these intense and irrational what-if's.
I miss being able to listen to music and not worrying about if the music will trigger something. I have to actively choose the difficult music to listen to and walk myself through the music. Last year, I had to stop listening to a lot of my favorite music (Rezz, Kaskade, Sasha Sloan) because they kept triggering weird fears and memories of trips. But I'm back to listening to most of my favorite artists again. I haven't listened to Rezz's EDC 2019 set yet though. That's still the one that I'm unsure of because my panic attack started during that set. But I was able to listen to her Room Service set back in April. I meant to listen to the EDC set soon after, but I kinda have been avoiding it. Need to be brave. Sometimes, listening to a random artist still triggers some fear (reality suddenly feels unreal). My initial reaction is always to turn the music off, but I'm trying to get myself to just sit in the discomfort a bit and remind myself that it's just music. Reality isn't changing; my anxiety is affecting my perception of reality; it is what it is; just let it be.
----
2020 has been a year. Not the worst for myself; 2019 was the terrifying one for me, but 2020 has given me some things to think about. It has amplified the loneliness that I thought I was managing okay. How do I address the loneliness without simply ignoring it or distracting myself from it? I'm still trying to figure that out. My anxiety is better than it was a year ago, but it's still there. I question why it's still there. Why can't I let it go? Why do I feel like I'm holding onto my anxiety?
Maybe I need to go skydiving and face my mortality again haha.
Sunday, July 26, 2020
Thoughts on recent state violence (BLM)
My head is all over the place; I don't know how to organize my thoughts or even where to share them. When I try to engage strangers in discussion on public Facebook posts, no one responds to me. Or if they do, they stop after my first or second rebuttal. I'm tired of that shutdown in communication. I'm honestly not trying to debate anyone on the facts of what's happening during the protests because none of us are participants of the protests being discussed; and this kind of discussion just becomes a murky pool of he-said-she-said since we don't trust each other's sources. I'm trying to reason with people on why Black Lives Matter is legitimate and worthwhile, and their arguments essentially boil down to something like "Your methods (arson, looting) suck, so your message (BLM) sucks. The feds should beat and arrest all of you."
----
We can agree a bad actor is not a protestor. If the average person is able to logically separate bad actors from peaceful protestors, then why can't the police and federal agents do that as well? It seems some people are claiming that violent force must be used in response to the bad actors hiding amongst the protesters. Okay...
If the officers and agents know who the bad actors are, then they should go after the specific bad actors in a lawful manner; there is no need to go after the peaceful protestors who haven't committed any crimes. Picking nearby people off the street, detaining them for hours, and then releasing them without any charges kinda tells me they don't know who they're looking for and are just grabbing anybody off the street.
If they don't know who the specific bad actors are, then why are they going after anyone at all, especially people who have been shown to be peacefully protesting or just recording the events? Why are tear gas, batons, and kinetic impact projectiles being used against protestors if someone else, the bad actor, is causing damage or harm? If someone committed arson in any other situation and you didn't see who started it, you don't just turn to the person closest to you and start beating them into submission because you don't know if they did anything.
I thought officers and agents were supposed to be trained on how to catch suspects with the least amount of harm caused to the general public. This was what I was taught through the media. If you have a suspect running away from you in a crowd, you don't shoot into the crowd just to get that suspect, unless you think everyone is a suspect and therefore is subject to the same level of force, despite not knowing anyone's level of involvement in any alleged crime. And just in case you weren't sure, while officers and agents are busy rounding up the peaceful protestors instead of the bad actors, the bad actors will continue to cause damage and harm.
I think it's just strange to claim that the violence of some people justifies state violence against all people. It seems like a fear tactic and a diversion tactic meant to deter people from protesting at all and to keep people's focus off of the BLM message of the protests and more on the general state response to the protests, the irony of which is that the protests are against law enforcement's use of excessive force against the Black community.
----
Since it is well-documented in American history, civil disobedience (à la MLK, John Lewis, Rosa Parks, and many others) is a tried and true method of protest for minorities.
Acts of civil disobedience are disruptive and illegal; the purpose is to break laws to draw attention to injustice. Unfortunately, this also draws in the bad actors who are not necessarily in support of the cause (the 1960's non-violent protests also had bad actors employed by the government and others). So the state response is expected. The question is: Is the state violence against the civil disobedience justified? You can't say that the recent state violence is only in response to the street violence occurring during the protests. If that were the case, peaceful protestors and observers wouldn't be targeted.
And if the state violence against civil disobedience is technically justified under current law, I definitely think that needs to be changed. How does it make sense for the government or anyone to punish everyone for the actions of the few that they don't know how to catch? And you can't turn this logic around on our response to police brutality with "Why punish all police officers for the actions of a few bad officers?" We're not seeking to punish all officers. We're seeking to punish the ones who've caused harm and murdered people. We're seeking to change the system that allows police officers to commit crime and murder with impunity and allows their mistakes or ill intent to be overlooked just because they have a badge.
If we are to have law enforcement at all, we need to have a system that we can trust to punish criminals fairly and equally, regardless of their skin color, wealth, or job title.
----
I needed a break from my emotions and from the ridiculous defenses of indiscriminate state violence. So I read about civil disobedience from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/civil-disobedience/. It's an interesting but somewhat long read. It's a summary of philosophical perspectives; what else can you expect?
Here's a paragraph that underscores my understanding of and reaction to "If people just follow the law, then they won't have any problems" 🙄:
"On the assumption that people have a pro tanto obligation to follow the law (or at least those laws that are not excessively unjust), it follows that people then have a pro tanto obligation to use the proper legal channels of political participation before resorting to illegal methods. On this view, civil disobedience can be justified only when employed as a last resort. But since causes defended by a minority are often those most opposed by persons in power, legal channels may be less than wholly effective. Moreover, it is unclear when a person could claim to have reached the situation of last resort; she could continue to use the same tired legal methods without end. To ward off such challenges, Rawls suggests that, if past actions have shown the majority to be immovable or apathetic, then further attempts may reasonably be thought fruitless and one may be confident one's civil disobedience is a last resort."
----
2020 has been an intense and confusing and terrifying and edifying year so far. COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter are the dominating concerns on my mind. What will become of the world as we move forward with the second half of the year? Will COVID deaths rise exponentially? The US is nearly at 150k deaths now. Hadn't someone predicted 200k deaths by the end of summer or something? We're not far off. How much more violence will befall the Black community before we acknowledge our roles in the harm to their community and hold ourselves accountable for the damage done?
Will we all learn to work together and to put the needs of others ahead of our own? Do we all really believe in the greater good, or do we just say we do so that everyone else thinks we're good people? Only our actions will reveal our true natures, right?
----
One last thing: Don't lose focus. Black lives still matter.
----
We can agree a bad actor is not a protestor. If the average person is able to logically separate bad actors from peaceful protestors, then why can't the police and federal agents do that as well? It seems some people are claiming that violent force must be used in response to the bad actors hiding amongst the protesters. Okay...
If the officers and agents know who the bad actors are, then they should go after the specific bad actors in a lawful manner; there is no need to go after the peaceful protestors who haven't committed any crimes. Picking nearby people off the street, detaining them for hours, and then releasing them without any charges kinda tells me they don't know who they're looking for and are just grabbing anybody off the street.
If they don't know who the specific bad actors are, then why are they going after anyone at all, especially people who have been shown to be peacefully protesting or just recording the events? Why are tear gas, batons, and kinetic impact projectiles being used against protestors if someone else, the bad actor, is causing damage or harm? If someone committed arson in any other situation and you didn't see who started it, you don't just turn to the person closest to you and start beating them into submission because you don't know if they did anything.
I thought officers and agents were supposed to be trained on how to catch suspects with the least amount of harm caused to the general public. This was what I was taught through the media. If you have a suspect running away from you in a crowd, you don't shoot into the crowd just to get that suspect, unless you think everyone is a suspect and therefore is subject to the same level of force, despite not knowing anyone's level of involvement in any alleged crime. And just in case you weren't sure, while officers and agents are busy rounding up the peaceful protestors instead of the bad actors, the bad actors will continue to cause damage and harm.
I think it's just strange to claim that the violence of some people justifies state violence against all people. It seems like a fear tactic and a diversion tactic meant to deter people from protesting at all and to keep people's focus off of the BLM message of the protests and more on the general state response to the protests, the irony of which is that the protests are against law enforcement's use of excessive force against the Black community.
----
Since it is well-documented in American history, civil disobedience (à la MLK, John Lewis, Rosa Parks, and many others) is a tried and true method of protest for minorities.
Acts of civil disobedience are disruptive and illegal; the purpose is to break laws to draw attention to injustice. Unfortunately, this also draws in the bad actors who are not necessarily in support of the cause (the 1960's non-violent protests also had bad actors employed by the government and others). So the state response is expected. The question is: Is the state violence against the civil disobedience justified? You can't say that the recent state violence is only in response to the street violence occurring during the protests. If that were the case, peaceful protestors and observers wouldn't be targeted.
And if the state violence against civil disobedience is technically justified under current law, I definitely think that needs to be changed. How does it make sense for the government or anyone to punish everyone for the actions of the few that they don't know how to catch? And you can't turn this logic around on our response to police brutality with "Why punish all police officers for the actions of a few bad officers?" We're not seeking to punish all officers. We're seeking to punish the ones who've caused harm and murdered people. We're seeking to change the system that allows police officers to commit crime and murder with impunity and allows their mistakes or ill intent to be overlooked just because they have a badge.
If we are to have law enforcement at all, we need to have a system that we can trust to punish criminals fairly and equally, regardless of their skin color, wealth, or job title.
----
I needed a break from my emotions and from the ridiculous defenses of indiscriminate state violence. So I read about civil disobedience from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/civil-disobedience/. It's an interesting but somewhat long read. It's a summary of philosophical perspectives; what else can you expect?
Here's a paragraph that underscores my understanding of and reaction to "If people just follow the law, then they won't have any problems" 🙄:
"On the assumption that people have a pro tanto obligation to follow the law (or at least those laws that are not excessively unjust), it follows that people then have a pro tanto obligation to use the proper legal channels of political participation before resorting to illegal methods. On this view, civil disobedience can be justified only when employed as a last resort. But since causes defended by a minority are often those most opposed by persons in power, legal channels may be less than wholly effective. Moreover, it is unclear when a person could claim to have reached the situation of last resort; she could continue to use the same tired legal methods without end. To ward off such challenges, Rawls suggests that, if past actions have shown the majority to be immovable or apathetic, then further attempts may reasonably be thought fruitless and one may be confident one's civil disobedience is a last resort."
----
2020 has been an intense and confusing and terrifying and edifying year so far. COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter are the dominating concerns on my mind. What will become of the world as we move forward with the second half of the year? Will COVID deaths rise exponentially? The US is nearly at 150k deaths now. Hadn't someone predicted 200k deaths by the end of summer or something? We're not far off. How much more violence will befall the Black community before we acknowledge our roles in the harm to their community and hold ourselves accountable for the damage done?
Will we all learn to work together and to put the needs of others ahead of our own? Do we all really believe in the greater good, or do we just say we do so that everyone else thinks we're good people? Only our actions will reveal our true natures, right?
----
One last thing: Don't lose focus. Black lives still matter.
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