Emotional Times

I don't know what is, but I feel like I've become a much more emotional person over the past couple of years. Or maybe just more willing to be emotive.

I feel like I haven't gone more than a week at a time without crying about something, whether it is a legitimate reason to be upset.

At times, it all just seems to be a buildup to something in my life. Sometimes, it feels like I hit that epiphany, and everything settles for a little while. Other times, there is no epiphany, no release from the buildup; and I'm left wondering, and then I deflate.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is. I guess... Despite how much it sucks to feel super low or emotional, I'm glad I don't struggle to suppress my feelings as much or keep my feelings from flatlining anymore. I'm learning and practicing this full immersion of my emotions. I'm learning that self-suppression is not self-control. It's been a rough ride, but I think this is helping me grow as a person.

I can't say I don't take a lot of steps back. I do. I fall back into old, bad habits when I forget how to handle my stress and decompress. But I'm trying to see it as "Hey, look, I've taken steps to break bad habits. It's better to say that I fall into old habits here and there rather than I can't break my bad habits at all."

My low points are not moments of weakness. They are moments of strength because I survived them. If I can hit rock bottom and still find a way out of the pit I fell into, then there is a strength there and I tapped into it. I forget that strength from time to time. But if I can continue to remember that strength when I need it, I'm doing all right.

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I'm trying to understand myself better, be more empathetic toward myself and others, and give myself a chance to actually be happy with who I am. It's difficult. Sometimes, I wish I could just fool myself into trusting the person that I am. I get that validation from the people around me, but for some reason I can't get it from myself. Here and there, I think I do trust myself. But that feeling doesn't stay for very long.

I have a fear in trusting myself and trusting others. I know this distrust is not unique to me. I know a lot of people who have the same fear, even those I didn't think would. I'm learning to trust that we all understand each other in a way after all, even if we don't necessarily want to haha.

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Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't know how to explain it any better.

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I just want my equilibrium back. I think I'm slowly finding it. It's like I'm standing on a balance board, and the conditions changes around me. There are lots of falls as I try to maintain balance, but I'm getting back up, learning, adjusting, adapting, and doing whatever I need to do to get the right balance.

Ever-changing. Can't stay stagnant.

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I hope I'm making good decisions. But I realize I can only do what I can do, feel what I feel, etc. Likewise for everyone else. Just need to remind myself that everyone struggles, but no two people's struggles are exactly the same. Gotta make sure my empathy doesn't disappear haha.

I'm a creature of habit. Unfortunately, I'm prone to depression (not diagnosed), which just feels like a collection of bad habits that I'm constantly struggling to break. Sometimes, I'm successful. Sometimes, I succeed and then fall back into old habits.

I know I can break the bad habits. Getting started is always the hardest part of doing anything. I just can't remember how I motivated myself to start all those other times.

Maybe I'll start dancing at work every day. I only do it every so often now. Maybe I just need to get myself moving.

Maybe I'll do things that used to make me really happy. Before the partying started haha. I'm giving myself more free time on the weekends now, and I have no clue what to do. I end up just staying in bed all day. So maybe I'll get back into reading and doing puzzles. I think I have to re-learn how to be alone, something that I used to really enjoy.

I think I also need to re-learn how to interact with the world and be out there with people. I should make that a habit again.