Welcome to life, Miah!

Brother and Karina had their baby girl today :D I was at work, waiting for the text from Brother. 6.4 pounds and 18.5 inches. He tried to send me a picture, but my phone doesn't receive anything other than phone calls and text messages. So instead, I got texts from Shiva and Harrison congratulating me. They saw Miah before I could see her -w- But it's ok. They're family too, so they can see.

I had to wait until lunch to go on Facebook. I was super excited. Couldn't sit still. Couldn't stand still. Was dancing and bouncing around my desk. My coworkers laughed XP I'm sure I was very entertaining. It's rare to see me so excited and all over the place. Man, time was not going by fast enough.

But when lunchtime came, I went straight to the computers and checked Facebook. I saw Miah's photo, and I was just so happy. I don't even know what else to say. I was just happy. She looks sooo adoooorable. Definitely got Brother's lips.

I spent the rest of the work day anxious to leave for the hospital.

After work, I drove to the hospital. Somehow found the right room. Held Miah for probably an hour. First time I had ever seen a newborn and first time I ever held a baby. Special moment. Words cannot express how I felt. She's so beautiful. And sleepy. (Brother and Karina were both sleepy.) She slept the whole time I was there. Dreaming, I'm sure. She made so many different facial expressions. I mimicked them while I held her. I don't know why. It's just what I do. I didn't get to see her eyes. I'm hoping she'll be awake tomorrow, so I can look at those beautiful eyes of hers. I hope she likes me haha.


I know I would usually type up some long entry about this. But my brain is overloaded on happy. And I'm exhausted. Need more rest.

All I can say is I am happy Miah is healthy. I can only hope she'll grow up strong, healthy, and happy. Dang, I did the math... When she's 18, I'll be 41. Oh my, I can't even imagine where we'll all be then. Here's hoping to a lifetime of fond memories.

Zedd

I attended the Zedd show at the Fox Theater last night with Matt and his friend, Alex T. We had a blast! So much fun! Ahhh! Zelda mix was a big highlight of the night :) Did not know that Zedd had that. Wonderful surprise for Matt and me haha.

The three of us got to the show probably ten minutes before Zedd got on stage. Left San Jose too late. Missed the two openers. Oh well. Paid for Zedd. Got Zedd. All good.

Afterward, we went to Quickly in Milpitas for boba. Good stuff. Tasted amazing after all that music and dancing.


Sorry for the choppiness. Rushing to get ready to leave for work in 3 minutes hahaha. Just wanted to add this entry so that I don't forget that I attended the show haha. Can't wait for future EDM events :D Matt and I, we're gonna do it. Gonna save up what we can for some fun times to come.

A step in learning to be happy despite others' unhappiness?

Sometimes, I just wish I could make people happy. Not cause them to be happy. But just will them to be happy. Or at least not so sad or angry.

Before you say anything, I already know and accept that I can't control others. I can only do so much for others. Their happiness really depends on them. I just try my best to share and encourage some happy and positive vibes with them. I get that. It doesn't mean I never get to a point where I just want things to be easy. Or simple. I just want to turn off their pain. If I could, I would take on their burdens if it guaranteed that they would never feel so hurt or hopeless again. But I know that's impossible. I can't control how they feel.

Sometimes, people hurt others intentionally. Sometimes, people try to help, but they end up causing hurt instead. What ensues sometimes is retaliation or revenge. One person gets hurt; that person gets back at the person who hurt them, in some way that is equal to or greater than what was done to them. Most of the time, we hurt others because we are hurt. We don't necessarily want to hurt people just to hurt them. But we don't want to be the only ones hurting. Maybe we want to punish. Some part of us feels like we deserve to cause them just as much pain. We want them to be as unhappy as they have made us. But if we have any ounce of empathy in us, causing unhappiness doesn't create happiness. If anything, it just causes more unhappiness within us. But in the heat of the moment, or the two years that we hold onto that grudge, we feel like it's our right to make things equally painful.

But that doesn't solve or fix anything. We're just trying to add hurt and pain to the situation. We might not see or acknowledge it, but we're adding that hurt and pain to ourselves as well because we don't take the time to heal ourselves. Too busy focusing on the belief that we were hurt and someone else deserves the hurt we were given. Pain doesn't need to be added or transferred; we can just let it dissipate, can't we? We can dissolve it through better means, can't we?

We're hurt, but we won't heal ourselves. How do we heal ourselves? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure antagonizing others, hurting others, and retaliating don't have any healing properties. Nor does dwelling in our unhappiness and pain. We shouldn't let it fester, as easy as it is to just let or make the pain stay.

Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being happy if I'm going to eventually become unhappy anyway. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being unhappy if I'm going to eventually become happy anyway. I figure life just likes to take me on an endless roller coaster ride. And I'll keep on riding past the point when I learn that the drops are just a part of the course. Not meant to hurt or kill me. Just meant to keep me awake and aware, maybe a little scared. And prepared for the next drop. And looking forward to the ascents, the scenic over-the-park views, the twists, the loops, and the sudden jerks. I'm trying to see this as a fun ride. At first, I usually don't. But gradually, when I get used to it, it does feel worthwhile despite the terrifying drops. Life, I mean. Roller coasters, too.

We can't control what life throws at us. But to a certain extent, we can control our reactions and make our choices. I'm trying to remember that. I'm also trying to remember that others don't think like I do. Nor do they have to, despite how much I want them to. For me personally, I'm trying to see that life isn't against me. People aren't against me, even if certain actions may indicate otherwise. Life is just a gigantic mess of chain events that lead to the current moment. I'll deal with the moment and try to be happy that I can be a small, influential dot in the gigantic mess. (That actually does kinda make me happy.)


I don't know what it is today. Nothing happened. It was just another day. I didn't really talk to anyone, only family. I'm almost done reading Ender's Game. Maybe that's affected my emotions.

Today, I just wanted people to be happy. Truly and completely happy. It's too much to ask of people who don't really know how to create their own happiness. We have such a limited understanding of our own personal happiness.

I don't even know sometimes. But I do know. Really simple things make me happy. Family, friends, just their silent presence in my vicinity or in my mind. My solitude, my imagination. All of these just seem so simple, even when they aren't.

Solving sudoku and crossword puzzles make me happy too. Jigsaw puzzles are pretty awesome. Yeah.

I just wanted to feel better.

I finally started to feel better today. Then Brother had to go and ruin my lifting mood.

At work, I was on autopilot. Didn't really talk to anyone. Though, my trainer had the new hire shadow me, so I had to talk to her for a bit. Mainly just kept to myself, trying to not think about Rahul. That failed. Had a good cry in my car during my lunch break.

I felt a lot better when I got home from work. I actually felt it.

I went to Brother and Karina's place to eat dinner, as is my routine for most Mondays, and to share with them this calm I've found myself in today. Their landlord brought an electrician over to try to fix the outlets in their room because half of them stopped working. Karina and I sat outside on the steps with Dexter (their dog) for maybe ten minutes before we heard Brother scream, "Fuck you!" and the electrician reply with "Fuck you, motherfucker!" What followed were a string of things from both sides that vaguely sounded like "Come at me, bro!" except with much more anger and hatred.

I feared that there would be a fight right then and there. The electrician walked out of their room, yelling for Brother to come at him. Brother yelled the same things at him but at the same time telling him to get the fuck out. Eventually, the electrician left. This left Brother yelling and swearing at his landlord for "fucking up [his] house." I laugh bitterly at that because it's actually the landlord's house. The landlord could kick him out, which I think would have been a wise decision on the landlord's part a long time ago. Or maybe he's used to angry people. He offered to help clean up the mess the electrician made of the room. It wasn't that big of a mess. The electrician broke some eggs, which had fallen out of the fridge when he moved it out of the way of the outlet to test it. Brother didn't understand why things had to be moved out of the way for the electrician to reach all of the outlets. The electrician probably got impatient with Brother breathing down his neck and got sarcastic with Brother, which prompted the initial "Fuck you."

It was an explosive situation. Dexter was terrified. Well, he had been terrified when the two strange men first walked into the room. Maybe he smelled trouble before we heard it.

I feel like I've been in a relatively fragile state lately, which would explain why I started crying when I heard the yelling. I couldn't really understand why I was crying. I think a part of my brain thought, "Brother will die early because of his stupidity and anger. He could die tonight." I honestly believe that if he dies from non-natural causes, it would very likely be caused by his short fuse. He'll piss off the wrong person. That person will have a gun or a knife and come after him. Or worse, come after someone Brother cares about, like Karina or his soon-to-be daughter. I don't know why he never thinks about the consequences of anything he does. Anything could happen. We don't know anything about the electrician; what if he's a vindictive person? What if his vindictiveness makes him come back and do something worse than swear at Brother?

Does Brother not realize that much of the "bad luck" he's had in his life has been a result of his own folly? DUIs, his fault. Car accidents while under the influence, his fault. Incarceration several times, his fault. Fights, plenty of which he instigated. Enemies, some of which he created by being an asshole. His current living situation, his doing. Yet, he's so mad at everyone else in this fucking world.

After the landlord left, I had to leave. I couldn't stay. I lost my appetite. I was scared. I was angry too. When I got in my car, Karina brought out my food. I thanked her for it. I worry about her. She's pregnant, and she's still gotta deal with Brother's explosive behavior. I can't imagine the stress that it adds to her pregnancy. Is this the first thing that their daughter is going to remember from her childhood, an uncontrollably angry father?

Karina apologized for Brother's behavior. She doesn't need to apologize. But if she doesn't, who would? Who cares? Brother apologizes all the time, but he doesn't mean it. If he meant it, he'd try to change. Sure, he apologizes because later on he feels guilty for how shit went down. If he would just stop and think, if he would just learn how to control his anger, he wouldn't end up situations that make him feel guilty, and he wouldn't have to apologize all the time. If he would actually try to become the person he wants to be, he would never have to apologize for anything.

Aahhhh! I was feeling so calm earlier. So much happier than I've been the past few days. Now my body is swinging between anger, frustration, and sadness. I was so hoping to finally get some good sleep tonight; now I'm just too upset. And I know I'm going to get hungry, but I don't want to eat. But I need to eat. I just want some fucking peace in my mind.

There's a quote on a mug somewhere: "Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I want that. That kind of peace. Question: How do I calm down my heart? It's been racing on and off for days.

Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.

Short shorts and skirts.

I used to wear short shorts and skirts. I also used to wear dresses.

I last wore a dress when I was probably in the fourth grade. (I technically didn't wear a dress to junior or senior prom. Thank goodness for amazing friends.) I last wore a skirt around the same time, maybe a little bit sooner than that; it was probably a school uniform skirt. I last wore short shorts when I was sixteen; though, I'm pretty sure none of my high school friends had ever seen me wear them...

People have asked me why I'm such a tomboy or why I don't wear "girly" clothes more often. I've always said that I've felt most comfortable in baggier, "guy" clothes, which is true. I do have an affinity to clothes that don't cling to my body or reveal too much skin. I like being low-key. Plus, I've always felt awkward in my body. Don't get me wrong; I like my body for sure. Just sometimes, I don't want to feel like I'm focusing so much on my body or the femininity of it. So yeah, less feminine clothing makes me feel like it's just easier to be me and not draw attention to anything that doesn't need attention.

But I'm gonna reveal a little secret: While I do feel somewhat awkward thinking about wearing skirts, short shorts, and such, I really, really miss wearing them. Like, so much. Haha is anyone surprised? And i think the awkwardness comes more from the fact that I haven't worn any of these things in so long, so the idea seems foreign to me.

Mother always likes to remind me that she used to dress me up in dresses and skirts all the time when I was a child. We have pictures, and some of my memories of childhood are relatively still intact. So yes, I remember that she did do that, and I also remember that I loved my dresses and skirts as much as I loved my pants and cargo shorts, along with the hand-me-downs from Brother. (I still occasionally get hand-me-downs from him.) Yeah, I ran around with the boys a lot, making pants and boys' shorts the ideal forms of clothing to wear for all that roughhousing. But I liked everything I wore when I was younger. I didn't hate anything I owned. I especially loved my three pairs of denim short shorts from Old Navy haha.

So why did I gradually stop wearing "feminine" clothing? As far as I can remember, it was always because of something that someone else did and which I didn't know how to stop. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses because boys I didn't know would stand under the monkey bars to look up. Adding to that, boys I didn't know learned that sticks can easily lift up the backs of skirts and dresses. I stopped wearing short shorts because a man twice my age tried to kiss me.

My family only knows about the monkey bars experiences I had. I never bothered to tell them about the boys with the sticks because Mother's reaction to the monkey bars stories was to laugh and to say that kids will be kids. That's still her reaction to these anecdotes. I'm pretty sure many parents have that same reaction. For the most part, I don't really care about the monkey bars stories because I got past it. Boys will be boys, and I generally didn't remember those experiences after a while. Oh, and I definitely did not tell my family about the man who tried to kiss me when I was sixteen. No way.

I blogged about it on my LiveJournal instead. I just read the entry. I'm shaking my head at it and asking myself, "Why didn't I say something back then? Why didn't I shove him away and yell? Why didn't I do anything to protect myself?" I know I'm lucky that all he tried to do was grope and kiss me. So much worse could have happened, but I was lucky. But Mother was just about two rooms away. Why didn't I call for her? Why didn't I tell her right after it happened? What was I thinking? Well, first, I don't know why, but I thought it was some kind of joke that the man was trying to pull on me. It didn't really click. Or maybe it did, and I didn't want it to click because it was scary and I didn't know how to handle it. Then I just felt shock that it had happened to me at all. Then I couldn't tell Mother because I was afraid she would get mad at me for letting it happen, for not knowing better, for not knowing how to fight back. A secondary thought was she would never be able to trust me being around anyone again because anyone could manipulate me. (Sorry, this was somewhat of a tangent.)

I couldn't comfortably wear short shorts or anything super feminine after this particular experience because I had been wearing a pair of my favorite short shorts and a tight girls' shirt when it happened. I suppose I engrained in myself that it was the clothes I wore that brought this on me. And if I continued to wear the clothes, the situations would get worse and worse, it would all be my fault, and I wouldn't be able to protect myself.

I wonder now if I decide to wear feminine clothing, and I got the kind of attention that I don't want, would I be able to feel comfortable in what I'm wearing and to get myself safely out of that situation? Honestly, I don't think so. I think I would still be that scared, naive, easily manipulated little girl who couldn't react except to tilt her head down. I've tried my best to keep myself out of those situations by dressing down and not accentuating my feminine qualities. I chose to avoid rather than to confront my fear.

I guess I never really got past any of it.

I genuinely don't care much about fashion, but I know I like wearing different styles of clothing when the mood strikes. It's just difficult to consider all the possible options because I'm terrified of the attention I could get. I have no intention of or desire for getting that attention; I just want to wear the clothes.

Why can't I wear what I like to wear without fearing that it will be seen as an invitation to my body for someone else?

I should just face my fears head on, yeah? I'm not always that brave. Sometimes, I have that moment where I feel like I can take on any challenge, but it passes so quickly that I don't jump on it. Damn, it's just clothes, but a part of me is very terrified. But I know, one day, I will wear some short shorts or a skirt, and I won't be terrified. That day just isn't today. Or tomorrow.

Mini-mini-rant about "Cups."

I love the movie Pitch Perfect. Anna Kendrick is super attractive and can sing pretty well. Rebel Wilson is seriously funny :P I enjoy music, and I definitely love a capella. I've spent plenty of hours watching college a capella group performances on YouTube over the years.

So when this movie was announced, I was definitely looking forward to it. Eventually, I watched it, and it was great. Definitely what I expected. Not the best a capella performances ever but still really good. Storyline, nothing new. I really just wanted to listen to the performances and mainly ogle Anna Kendrick because that's just what I do hahaha.

Now, the song from the movie that got most popular was the cup song that Anna's character performs during her audition. It was fun and cool. My first thought when I saw that scene was "Oh hey! I recognize that cup beat from HappySlip!" and I continued to enjoy the rest of the movie.

For months after the movie was released, people have copied the cup song and all on YouTube. Understandable. It was something relatively new to the masses.

Critics started saying that Pitch Perfect ripped off the cup beat and song from a YouTube video (http://youtu.be/DWCOYJg9ps4). Others claiming rip-offs from HappySlip's "HappySlip Jingle," Full House/The Cup Game, Lulu and the Lampshades, Charlie Monroe, and The Carter Family.

Really, my only response is this: No one related to the movie ever claimed credit for the song or beat. While they didn't name the YouTube video that inspired the scene, to me, it was pretty obvious they didn't come up with it. In a movie FULL of a capella covers, I don't think it would have made sense to have a character perform an original piece and not cover an already established song. But that's just me. Also, this song has gone through a string of covers over the past near-century, and Pitch Perfect just added one more to it.

I think I'm just peeved that people have been trashing Anna Kendrick and the movie for "stealing" other people's music. It's a movie about a college a capella group that performs medleys and mash-ups of song covers. There is no original music performed. Anna Kendrick even admitted in an interview that she learned the song and beat from a YouTube video via Reddit and the producers of the movie thought it would be great if she could incorporate it into the movie. I don't know why she or the movie is still getting flak from people. But whatever, they're coming out with Pitch Perfect 2 :D And I'm excited for it.

Some people say, "More cowbell!" I say, "More a capella!" or "More harmonies!"


I know I'm really late on responding to the critics or whatever, but I just realized every video remotely related to this song (The Carter Family, Charlie Monroe, Lulu and the Lampshades, HappySlip, Anna Burden, etc etc) has people talking about how Pitch Perfect stole the song. My mind was just boggled by the assumptions.

Clutter.

I have no idea if and how I am ever going to move into and live in a bigger place. More space... just the thought of it makes me feel nervous, just very slightly anxious.

My current room is probably about 9' x 10'. My bed takes up just less than half of that area. There are also a computer desk, a small chair, and a dresser. Everything else (luggage, boxes of memorabilia, laundry basket, some clothes, random stuff) fits in my closet. I have just about everything I own with me in my room.

If you recall, I spent a lot of time over the past year or so reorganizing, tossing, and donating my things because I wanted to prepare myself to move out of Mother's home and also just to not have so much stuff I didn't need. (There is still so much left that I could get rid of, but I'm attached to some things.) By the standards of some of my friends, I have very few things, and it's all very organized. I look at my space, and I see so much more room for improvement.

I still see so much clutter. I want to get rid of more things, but I'm afraid I'll regret tossing something out. So far I haven't yet regretted anything I've gotten rid of, except maybe a CD or two from my childhood but it's not really regret; I'm not beating myself up over them.

I think I may be slightly obsessive about how much I have and compulsive about de-cluttering. Most days, I will myself to not think about any of it. But when I can't will myself, I just think a dresser and a box or two should be able to hold all my stuff; however, that's not the case, and it annoys me that I can't fit most of my things into that amount of space. I feel uncomfortable with the knowledge that I have so much stuff.

I may or may not go into another de-cluttering frenzy soon. You know, where I sort my stuff out, feel satisfied for about a day, and repeat. Yeah, I may have an issue. I'm not even joking. When I'm in my room, I tend to feel like there's too much around me and just want to get rid of everything. Except obviously I don't let myself do it because I know some of these things are important.

-sigh- I don't even know why I obsess about this. I didn't before, did I? I don't even buy that much stuff. I usually spend money on food, gas, and a necessary item here and there. Last time I went to Target was to buy health-related things, a carton of ice cream, and string cheese haha. I dislike shopping, but I do it. When I do, I don't buy much. So I don't understand why I feel like I have too much. I mean, I do add things to my room sometimes but not because I bought it. Most things I add to my collection of possessions usually come in the form of gifts from others or just my family's contributions to my well-being. And I have the hardest time getting rid of those because my appreciation of people's generosity prevents me from doing so.

What was the point of this post? To share my current late-night obsession. I can't sleep >: I keep thinking about how I'm going to reorganize things or get rid of them. Also thinking about going to Target tomorrow to buy a plastic storage container to put all my memorabilia in. They're currently stored in two stacked boxes, which Shiva gave me a few months back. I would keep them in those boxes, except a cockroach found its way into my room a few mornings ago. I freaked out because I keep my room clean; the fact that a roach still found my room welcoming annoys me. So I read online that cardboard boxes can attract both roaches and spiders. Plastic containers would be better for storage. I also like plastic because critters generally don't chew through or find their way into those sealed containers.

Also, if I could fit the stuff from two boxes into one container, that would be awesome. Trying to reduce the quantity of boxes I use to store things. I was debating whether to get one or two plastic storage containers. I think one is good; two will just leave too much empty space in one container haha. I don't like having too much extra storage space... Just having enough extra space is good. I know I'm weird.

So I feel like moving into a much bigger place, like an apartment, either leaves me with a lot of unused space or with a potential urge to fill in the space. Either way, I don't think I would be very happy. I think I'm very happy in a small space like my current bedroom, even if I wish I had a bathroom and a kitchenette attached directly to my room or lived in a room that was 12' x 12'. Or had a twin-sized bed instead of a full-sized one :P I'm pretty sure I would only be happy moving into a larger space if I were to have a roommate who took up a little more than half the space haha. Otherwise, like I already stated, the idea of that much space for myself just makes me nervous.

Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to survive in this world if this is a major concern of mine hahaha.

Seriously though, I don't want to take up space that I feel like I don't need, but I'm still taking up that space.

I know, eventually, I'll figure this out and hopefully find a good balance of space or something. Now, I must try to sleep.

Thanks for reading this ridiculous post. It made me feel a little better to type it out. Good night.

Spiders in My Room.

So there used to be a lot of spiders in my room until I started leaving eucalyptus leaves around my room. I only saw one or two live spiders over the next month. I also saw a handful of dead spiders along the baseboards.

I recently switched to spraying a mix of eucalyptus oil and water around my room. Still no live spiders in my room as far as I can tell. But again, more dead spiders. More than before.

So they're still coming into my room... but apparently they're dying in here.

I thought eucalyptus was supposed to repel them >: Now they're just coming in and dying. And I have to sweep their poor carcasses away ):

I want to repel them, not kill them. Anyone got any suggestions?

Random: A small lizard got into my room today while I was out. When I came home, I saw something in the corner of my room. At first, I thought it was a leaf. Upon closer inspection, it was a brown lizard. Looked like a baby one. I got my plastic container, trapped it, and released it outside on the grass. I love lizards; they're adorable, but I don't want them living in and pooping all over my room and things. Nor do I want them (or spiders) biting me just because I don't know they're there and I accidentally scare them.

The only way that lizard could have gotten in was under my bedroom door. I've checked the room for gaps in the baseboards and the window. Also going to assume the door is how spiders get in.

I need to find a foolproof way to keep all the critters out without harming or killing them.

Future Parenting Goal.

Last night, I drove to Berkeley for Kat's housewarming :D That was fun. First time I ever drove to Berkeley. I thought I got lost in Berkeley and turned my car around to check to see if I missed a turn. Turns out I had turned around about two blocks before the correct street I needed to turn on. Rawr -w- Well, now I know for future reference.

The party was fun. Mainly talked to friends from high school. Had a Peppermint Patty shot (put chocolate syrup in your mouth and add a shot of Peppermint Schnapps), which I actually enjoyed. And I'm not a big fan of peppermint. I also brought my last Smirnoff Ice for myself haha, and I learned what "getting iced" meant. Next time, I'll bring a pack or two. I usually do, but last night I forgot XP My last drink of the night was Captain Morgan with Brisk as a chaser. Then it was time to sober up to drive home.

Witnessed a few drinking games of Soccer and Beer Pong. Team drinking games make me laugh and also scare me because, if your teammates let you down, you'll be at risk of downing tons of alcohol by the end of a game haha.

So Femi, Andrew, Felix, and I were arguing about parenting. I don't know how we got into this topic, but we did. I was not fully sober for this, so I think some of my logic did not make it through haha. Andrew said he would let his college-aged daughter have a guy sleep in her bedroom in his house because, if they're already doing it in the dorms, he doesn't feel like forbidding them changes anything. He doesn't want to be in denial about the fact that his daughter may be sexually active. The other two guys were adamantly against it. They would forbid it, saying that it was a matter of respect. If their daughter respected them, she wouldn't have a guy sleep in her room, even if she is an adult. If they allowed their daughter to have a guy in her room, that's just an open invitation for her to sleep around with any guy anywhere. (I personally think that it depends on the person. Not everyone thinks like that.)

The argument split into two different ones. Femi and Andrew had their own. Felix and I had ours, debating about parenting styles. Felix wants to be "controlling but not abusive"--his words, not mine--making his daughter live how he wants her to live and to follow his ideals because he wants her to have the best possible life, since she wouldn't really know what's best for herself. I understand that, but I don't think that's necessarily the best way to raise your kid.

I wish I had been sober enough to think through my whole argument haha...

I want to raise my kids to know how to think, not what to think, so that they know how to approach any situation they come into. Because I know what they think could be very different from what I think and also I won't always be around to tell them what to think. And I'm not going to say what they think is right or wrong because right and wrong isn't the way I want to look at things. While I wouldn't want my kids to sleep around or have sex with their significant others under my roof, I'm not gonna try to take away all their freedom to decide. This is what I want: My kids decide to do something because that's what they want and they have thought it through. They've made the best decision they could make in the situation. If I could raise my kids to do that, I'll generally be happy with the decisions they make, whether I agree. If they want to sleep around, despite me stating that I prefer they don't, that's their choice, their life, and their consequences. If the consequences turn out badly, I'm not going to hope they feel regret for the rest of their lives. I don't want to them to learn from shame; I want them to acknowledge that maybe their decisions weren't the best and learn from their mistakes.

Shaming is a whole other topic I could talk about. I think it's fine to a certain extent but not to the extent that Felix was talking about. Telling your kid "I'm disappointed in you" and then talking it out is fine. Telling your kid "You're a shame/disgrace to this family" and not giving them a chance to learn from it is not. I kept telling Felix that he needs to have some leeway with his kids because not every kid is gonna mess up their life. Every kid's different with different personalities and temperaments; you have to find the right balance of parenting. There's no one way to raise all kids.

Respect and trust play into how you raise your children. A lot of parents only think, "My child need to respect me and trust my judgment." They don't think, "I need to respect my child and trust their judgment," even after their kids prove they can make sound judgments. Felix even said he didn't want his kids to think he trusted them, so that they would always strive to gain his trust. But that could backfire so badly. If they felt like they could never gain his trust, they might stop trying and stop listening to him altogether. Where would they be then? I think we gotta treat everyone as their own person; we guide and shape our kids as best we can, but it gets to a point where they gotta shape themselves. They become adults at some point, not necessarily at age 18. They have to get to a point where they take responsibility for themselves. If we try to control them after that point, if they only ever do what we want them to do, when will we actually be able to hold them accountable for anything, especially themselves? I don't want my kids to be my pets learning the tricks I taught them. They should be their own people/individuals, hopefully with some of the values I try to instill but at least with values that they have thoughtfully chosen.

Anyway, the argument was pretty intense. I was super into it haha. Almost got emotional about it XP but that was because I was talking about my family and other friends' families as examples. You can be strict as hell or super lenient, but you could still end up with a fucked-up "good kid" or a "bad kid" who eventually turns his life around without your help. Even if there was a right way to raise children, every child reacts differently. Some kids straighten up after being grounded or being shamed; others rebel more or at least try to hide more from you. You need to adapt to your child; that's all I'm saying. You can't say that controlling your kid's life is the only way they'll turn out right. I will say though that I could be wrong and that more control of your kid's life might be more beneficial. You just gotta see how things come out after you do something. I'll raise my kids my way, other people raise their kids their ways, and we all hope we get something right.

Blah. Too much thinking for drinking last night haha. It probably still doesn't make sense. Haha this was not a big part of the night, though it did last at least an hour. It was just very... I dunno... It stuck in my mind for a while. I hope whomever I have kids with will share my perspective on parenting but also challenge it, so we can improve and give our kids the best possibilities. I am afraid that I say all this now but when I actually have kids, I will change my mind and become too controlling. I am a perfectionist on the inside; will I put that on my kids though? I don't know. We'll see.

Ok, done with this topic for now haha.


So I gave Femi a ride back to San Jose. We left Kat's place around 2:30 in the morning, though I had wanted to leave at 1. Just kept talking about random things, like Bubblegum Baby... ahahaha. Didn't actually start driving back to San Jose until about 3:20 because Femi, Alex D, and I were standing outside the apartment complex talking about cars and headphones :P

Overall a good night. Super tired by midnight though. Somehow stayed awake and drove home. The car ride home was full of stories about bad driving haha.

I passed out when I got home. Woke up after 10. Was supposed to do errands, but was too tired. So everything I was supposed to do today has been pushed back XP Awesome! Haha.

First Week at Randstad.

It's been a good week at work. I'm quickly getting the hang of the work. It's very simple and very quick. I'm hoping it's improving my searching and skimming abilities haha. The coworkers that I work near are mostly Filipino, very chill folks. They've helped me learn quite a bit. It's getting easier in some parts and a little more confusing in others as I do more work, but it's all good. I'll get used to it. I'm progressing pretty well. And I'd probably be near the top of the list of operators if other people weren't giving me false negatives >:

So the gist of the operation without revealing too much, if I could actually do that: We tag things with labels on computers. Obviously, there's nothing that actually tells us if they're correctly labeled. So the system randomly chooses three operators' answers, and majority rules. It's a relatively quick and efficient system. You know, two or three people independently agreeing on an answer are more likely to be correct than one person. So, when it's a 2-agree-1-disagree situation, the 1 loses percentage in accuracy, and someone above us checks the images to determine where the 1 made a mistake. So far, I've been the 1 in four 2-1 situations. One situation is still unknown because we can't look at it yet, but it's likely to be similar to the rest. But the other three "mistakes" I've gotten have been false negatives for me, meaning that I was actually correct in what I tagged and the other two operators were not. However, we can't change what's been tagged, and so my score remains unaffected by the discoveries. So while the answers that the system has randomly selected from me have all been correct, my accuracy score is in the red >.< So sad.

Thankfully, scores only represent how well I'm doing on a two-week rolling basis, meaning scores change every day after the first two weeks of work because the two-week period is different the next day. So hopefully, eventually I'll be in the green or at least the yellow. Not happy about the red. It's not even my fault ;-; My almost-perfectionist side weeps.

I hope this made some kind of sense. I'm not supposed to reveal confidential info about work obviously, so a vague job description should be all right, yeah?

Though I'm complaining (but not really, because I hardly think about the scores), overall the job is great. Simple and quick. Great, friendly coworkers. Free drinks, free snacks, and maybe thirty microwaves in the food space. I can listen to my music. I sing along with my music to keep my energy level up. There's no real rush other than finishing tasks quickly--it's all timed. Very relaxed atmosphere. So relaxed people have a tendency of falling asleep. I thought I would fall asleep yesterday, but I didn't. While I was super tired, I didn't feel like I was gonna fall asleep, so that was good. I actually had very high productivity yesterday, surprising...


Thursday night, I had gone to (the new Club Fuz) Club Hashtag's grand opening to watch Ariane perform with her dance crew :) I got lost twice trying to find my way to the club because it's been a year and a half since I was last there and I had never driven there myself, only driven drunk friends home from there. Had to text and ask Matt for directions. I went by myself this time because friends had to cancel and other friends didn't feel like going. It was cool though because I just hung out with Ariane backstage until it was time for her to perform. Neither of us actually felt like dancing haha. Main Stacks and VIPSJ performed. I enjoyed VIP's performance way more. More attitude, I guess. More something else too, but I can't think of the word. But I guess I might be biased since that's Ariane's crew :P

Went straight home to bed after watching the performance and giving Ariane a "You're awesome!" hug haha. It's been a long time since I've seen her perform. Maybe nine or ten months ago. Too long ago. And soon she's gonna be in LA, pursuing her dreams. When will I get to see her then? >: We haven't seen each other much in the past few years. Thursday night was probably the first time in years where the two of us just hung out. We usually only see each other when other people come back from school and invite us to things. Sad because we both stayed in San Jose. But busy lives and busy schedules... I've known Ariane the longest out of all my friends outside of family friends. It's been eleven years. It's crazy. Didn't think I would ever know someone for more than a handful of years. I'm happy she's got something to be passionate about and to pursue. I hope she gets where she wants to go, and I hope in a few years I get to tell strangers "Eyyy! That's my friend! She's awesome!" haha.


I'm getting overly sentimental right now. Just spent some time reading friends' old LiveJournal entries hahaha. Oh man, comparing the things that we talked about back then to the things we talk about now, it's so different yet not. Read some of those "Answer these questions honestly"/"Bold the things that are true" questionnaires and laughed like crazy. We were pretty innocent and inexperienced back then; if I did one of those now, I would be able to cross off "Passed out drunk," "Can drive," "Have a best friend," "Have fallen in love," and "Want kids in the future." I'm all grown up now hahaha.


Ok, I'm going to sleep early :D Going to Carmel with Albert and some others tomorrow morning. Gonna be fun. Haven't seen them all in a while. (I think I say this about every friend I hang out with.)

I think I'm blind to symbolism.

I just want to ramble instead of going to sleep. I should sleep. I have to get up early to drive Brother to his class. But I want to ramble and get some thoughts out of my head.

I watched more TYT video clips today because I was bored. Just watched: http://youtu.be/dhp5zuL7Nes

All I saw was Bert and Ernie cuddling on the couch, watching TV. That's still mostly what I see. There may be intended symbolism in there. But what do I know about symbolism in visual or written format? Symbolism was one of the most difficult things I had to struggle with in my English classes (I had sooo many symbolism projects for both published literature and artwork/advertisements), and I think I'm pretty damn good at academic English when I try.

So liberals and conservatives alike attributed symbolic qualities to the Bert and Ernie cover image. Promoting the gay agenda, sexualizing characters that can influence children, and showing support for the gay community are some of the conclusions that people have drawn. Right or wrong, it's still just an image. The only reason you see a symbol there is that you yourself have put the symbol there.

Anyway, I tend to not see symbols when I look at or read something. Not unless it's clearly labeled as a symbol or until someone else points out the symbolism. Maybe some symbolism is just too complex for my brain haha; I don't know. But yeah, I don't always see it for myself. Like with Bert and Ernie, I see the symbolism now that it's been pointed out, but I still don't really see it. It's mainly just an image to me. Does it make me feel a little happier on the inside to see it? Yeah, I enjoyed Sesame Street when I was a child; so seeing some familiar characters interacting in a familiar way makes me happy. It makes me happy to see some physical expression of happiness and love, even in the medium of puppets.

I just have to ask: Why can't two males show affection for one another without it being gay or wrong? Yeah, yeah, I know, masculinity and heteronormativity. But really, why? Why attribute anything negative to something that is supposed to increase your level of happiness and closeness to another human being? Hugs have supposedly been scientifically proven to make people feel better, obviously as long as they are consensual and used positively. So why can't two guys do that for each other, whether they are gay or straight? Why does it have to symbolize anything? Why can't it just be two guys supporting each other or being happy in each other's presence?

Yeah, Bert and Ernie could be gay. Who am I to declare what they are? Only they would truly know. (But they're puppets... So I don't think we will ever get a straight answer from either of them.) Yeah, they are cuddling in front of the TV in the image. Why can't we have an image of that? What is the essential wrongness (or rightness) of that image, in and of itself, without the symbolism that we personally attribute to it? When I saw that picture, I just saw two characters cuddling. Two characters cuddling is two characters cuddling. I don't necessarily see right or wrong, good or evil. The most I would assume from that image is that they are watching TV together, or maybe one of them is asleep; I can't see their faces, so I dunno. As for the cuddling, what does that mean? It could mean anything. But why does it have to mean anything to us? I mean, friends cuddle, siblings cuddle, lovers cuddle, anyone can cuddle. Does it have to mean anything more than "I feel comfortable around you" or "I love you"? I just don't get it.

Just so you know, in my head, Bert and Ernie do really like and love each other. It's not like they have been depicted as hating each other.


Words are so powerful. Symbolism wouldn't exist without words. We use words to attach symbols to everything we experience. Words themselves are symbols. What is a word? It's an abstract thing. We can't actually see, smell, taste, hear, or touch it, unless we give it a physical existence by writing it or typing it. Even then, we can't actually touch the thing that we call a word. It's a thought in our head that we learned from our peers, graphite on paper, ink on a canvas, photons on a screen, scratches on a bench. When we touch the manifested letters on that paper or on that bench, it still only exists in our brains. What we touch is paper, wood, metal, atoms. (Well, if we want to get technical, nothing ever actually touches anything.) Atoms aren't words.

It's funny. There is a word--well, there are probably infinitely many--out there that doesn't exist yet. So that nonexistent word doesn't represent or symbolize anything. But when that word gets thought of and starts manifesting in people's minds via social interaction, it's gonna mean something to people. Right now, it doesn't, but one day it will. It has the potential to make money, to destroy lives, to divide people, to do so much good, and to do so much bad. It's a damn word that doesn't even exist yet, but it's got so much potential energy waiting to be released because it doesn't exist yet. Once it comes into existence, all that energy changes into kinetic energy, giving that word speed, force, power, and momentum. And it will have a constant supply of energy until people stop using it and stop believing in its power, existence, or meaning. It's kinda like The Game ("I lost the game"); it doesn't exist until you give it existence. It's crazy that all of this is possible for a currently nonexistent word. The human mind creates so much potential.

So this abstract idea that we call a word allows us to see and experience our world in a way that's different from the typical animal's experience. Without words, we just recognize familiar things, people, and experiences. We recognize that we want more of what gives us a positive experience or feeling and we want to avoid what is negative. With words, we do the same thing, but words simplifies the process and yet can make it so complicated. We can recognize, categorize, organize, discriminate, and manipulate. Without words, hugs between any two people is a positive thing. When you hug someone and don't think about it, you just naturally feel good. With words, the recognition and simplification is "hugs are good because they make me feel good." The complexity, however, results in "two guys hugging is gay/bad" or even "front hugging tempts people into having sex." (That's a real thing. I just learned about the existence of Christian side hugging today.) How do people come to this conclusion?

Without words, you wouldn't believe anything until you experienced it yourself many times to establish a pattern, unless you find exceptions. Then you're just cautious enough to look out for the exceptions, or I would hope so. With words, you just have to believe the person who's telling you something as if it were a fact. You don't need to experience it yourself because someone else supposedly already experienced it for you. How do you know something is true until you make yourself know it's true, rather than having someone else let you know it's true?

Besides, someone else's word might not mean the same as your own word. We just assume that they mean the same thing because we use the same word. But we can't truly know that they mean the same thing.


Blah. I've lost my train of thought. This post was supposed to be about how I suck at seeing symbolism, but I didn't really stick to that. But what else could I say about my inability to see symbolism? I can't see it. So when others see it, I have to look again until I see it. Even then, I just think to myself, "Interesting. I see it, but I don't actually see it. How does this person see this so easily? Why do they see it this way?"

Mm. People and their brains and their ways of thinking. So intriguing what comes out of them.


Oh, I've always found the idea that people can be symbols to be very fascinating. I get why they are symbols to certain people. I can see how. But I still just see them as a person who took on some role or did something that inspired others. Just a person who did something that other people noticed. If no one notices you, you can't be a symbol of anything to others.


Thoughts are too complex to be fully formed right now. It's after midnight. Dang it. Not again. I have to start going to bed early soon, like this week. If all goes well, I start work early next Monday :D

Choose your sexuality. Can't? Try harder.

Since anti-gay people continually demand that gay people should just change our minds and become straight because sexuality is so obviously a choice, what question should we ask of anti-gay folks to turn the tables? So far, I've heard pro-gay people ask, "Why don't you try to become gay?" Answers have been, of course, "I tried, and I just can't be gay," "No, I'm not a sinner, so I would never choose to go against God," other similar answers, and no answers. Pro-gay folks have also asked, "When did you decide to become straight?" Answers include: "... I guess I never really had to decide," "I've known I was straight since forever" (That doesn't answer when you decided to be straight), and "I've never thought about that before." I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "I decided to be straight," unless they were coming from ex-gay therapy.

[Note: When I say "anti-gay," I mean to describe people who are against the existence of queers and queerness. Not to describe people who are cool with queers but don't support gay marriage; I have had friends who felt this way. It took me a short while to wrap my head around that way of thinking; I don't agree with it, but I understand it now. I'm ok with my friends thinking like that. It doesn't affect me as much as I thought it should have. That being said, what they think should not (legally) dictate how I get to live my peaceful, harmless life haha.]

I think we should ask sexually straight people to try to become asexual. Why? Because asking them to become gay doesn't help us prove a point unless they're actually open to giving it a shot. Even if they think they do give it a try, because they are straight, they don't try very hard to experience the emotions or attraction and just believe they naturally make the "right decision." They have nothing to lose if they can't feel anything for the same sex, while queers who desperately want to be "normal" do feel like they have everything to lose and will try their fucking hardest to feel what they're "supposed" to feel. But when they don't feel it, they're "not trying hard enough." If straight people can't feel queer emotions or attractions, they can't explain their "decision," believe that they are making a choice (in the sense that gay does not feel like an option for them, just like straight doesn't feel like an option for queers), or believe that we are so abominable that we can go against the natural instinct of being straight--it feels like instinct to them.

Now, why ask straight people to try asexuality or ask them to try anything else at all? To make them see how ridiculously difficult their question is to answer and to provide evidence for. Being asexual is different from the norm and doesn't go against any religious beliefs and thus doesn't make them feel like they're sinning, so they can't try to throw that in our faces as an excuse to not try. When straight people say we can choose not to be gay, that's them saying we can choose not to be attracted to the same sex; so it should be true that straight people can simply choose not to be attracted to the opposite sex. Since they think it's a choice to be attracted to either sex, and we queers generally know they can't choose to be attracted to the same sex, I think it's fair to request that straight people attempt the same proposal to prove to us that it is possible for anyone, straight or queer, to make that choice. We could put them in a room full of sexually attractive members of the opposite sex and tell them not to notice their sexual attractiveness and not to feel sexual attraction whatsoever.

When a straight person tells me (to choose) not to be gay, this is the scenario that I think they want to see: They show me a female whom I find sexually attractive at that moment. At the snap of my fingers, I don't think she's sexually attractive at all anymore. I've chosen to find her non-attractive right then and there because I can.

If you tell anyone to do that, would that actually work? If someone said they could do that, I would think they were lying to me. But that's just because I can't believe them. I don't trust that they're telling me the truth. Just like anti-gay people wouldn't believe me if I said I tried to find a male person sexually attractive but couldn't. I probably wasn't trying hard enough. I think this just proves a question like "Why can't you choose to be straight/gay/asexual?" is ultimately a waste of time. Even if we all attempted to answer this question, the questioners wouldn't believe any answer or explanation that doesn't meet the standards that they set when they asked the question--the standards being there is only one right answer and there is no way to change my mind unless you can make me feel what you feel. But we can't really make others feel what they strongly don't want to feel. No adamantly anti-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and tried really hard to change. And I can see that you couldn't do it. I guess I am wrong, and you can't choose." No adamantly pro-gay person is gonna seriously say, "Oh, I saw with my own eyes that you took me seriously and didn't need to try that hard to change. I guess I am wrong, and you can choose."

"Why don't you choose to be gay?" is a nice, witty retort. It makes us feel good for a moment because we bested the opposition on that point. But it doesn't really get us anywhere closer to common ground, especially now that it seems to be used by pro-gay folks only as a witty retort and treated by anti-gay folks only as a trivial retort rather than an actual challenge that deserves some serious consideration.


Random: I've been told some anti-gay folks would prefer that gay people were asexual, so that we just would stop sinning and/or committing abhorrent sexual practices. Is this true? I thought they wanted us to be straight and make babies. Or simply burn in hell.

Another random: If homosexuality is as bad a sin as murder, and murderers who stop murdering generally aren't forgiven for their past crimes, are ex-gays unforgivable for their past gay crimes too? I mean, yeah, the one-time offenders may be forgiven, depending on the circumstances. But would forgiveness be granted to serial killers or mass murderers who supposedly repent? What about the serial gays who become ex-gays? The forgiveness that I'm talking about here isn't from God but from the people who judge the sinner. And "serial gays" could mean whatever you want it to mean.


Different topic: In general, I think it's easier for gay people to imagine being straight than for straight people to imagine being gay because we're inundated by heteronormative/straight behavior just about everywhere we go. Straight is generally the default setting; we believe we're straight until some event, person, or moment makes us do a double take.

Most of the information about queer people that close-minded, straight people have tend to come from their own imagination; the stereotypes and beliefs about us come from very little exposure to actual queer people. I mean, queer people are exposed to straight people most of their lives; so we stereotype straight people, but we're aware that there are all types of straight people. There are nice ones and mean ones. It's the same in the queer community. But because of the lack of exposure, people generalize and leave it at that without taking the time to investigate their presumptions and to get to know individuals.


How I see things: Every person is a potential friend. When we judge another person before we get to know them and don't give them a chance to be a good part of our lives, we're reducing our lives' potential. Obviously, we run the risk of meeting not-nice people who aren't good for us. But sometimes, I think it's good to know firsthand who is good and who is bad for us.

Don't just assume a group of people can't add goodness to your life. All that potential will just go to waste. (I was going to make a physics analogy, but that's much too nerdy.)


I know that everything I've typed is based on sexual attraction rather than romantic attraction. It was just easier to simplify. Besides, romantic attraction is a whole other beast to tackle in regards to pro-gay versus anti-gay. Though, you can obviously substitute "romantic" for "sexual" in what I've got typed up there.

Romantic attraction is more emotional. I feel that trying to argue about emotions is even more fruitless than arguing about physical attraction. Physical attraction may be somewhat relatable and understandable just because it's considered to be an "animalistic" quality shared by all human beings. Romantic attraction isn't really considered in the same way; I don't know what descriptor fits romantic attraction. But to try to explain something so abstract, so personal, so individualized, is such a difficult task. No one can truly, without a doubt, understand what you feel. What you feel is what you feel; to get someone else to know exactly what you're feeling is so close to impossible. Even if you could, you don't know if they actually get it. You can only assume that they do when they say they do. To get anywhere close to that impossibility requires a large amount of empathy, which I tend to feel is very much lacking in these kinds of arguments.


Rawr.


I apologize for the randomness, rambling, and long-winded-ness. I was watching some The Young Turks clips on YouTube, and thoughts in my head started to bubble out. I was trying to catch them all before any of them hit the ground and were no good anymore haha. I missed a few though >:

Third job?

Remember that job that I almost got with Randstad back in December/January? Well, now I've pretty much got it :) I should be starting sometime in the beginning of August.

Still in Mountain View. It will be one mile farther from home than KPI was and definitely farther than KSC was, but it's ok. With the wage I'll be getting, it kinda makes up for the increased cost of fuel. Hours will be 7AM to 3:30PM; so I'm happy about that. Two-year contract, so if I don't screw up in some strange way, I'll be all right for a while. I'll have to deal with not-too-bad morning traffic to Mountain View on 101. Going home will be fairly quick too, I think.

Casual work atmosphere allows me to wear jeans :D Yay! I can wear my button-ups without worrying about overheating. Yay, AC! I will actually look forward to going to work because I won't overheat, I'll be able to listen to my music, and I'm more likely to be around people I could connect to (you know, if I decide to talk to anyone haha).

Now, I just have to submit forms and whatnot and wait about another week and a half to start.

Though, supposedly, some recruiter wants to interview me next week for a data entry job in San Jose, except they haven't contacted me yet with details about anything. All I know is it would probably be much closer to home, and the wage is $15 per hour. But it's all good. I've got a job waiting to start. If I get the job in SJ, and it actually matches the job description, I'll switch for the closer job. But for now, working in Mountain View will be awesome. It could encourage me to finally move out of San Jose.

I've noticed that all of the jobs I've ever had have been located around San Jose but never in it. I suppose I have a somewhat long-term either-or goal: Either get a job in San Jose so it's close to home or continue working outside of San Jose and eventually move out of here. We'll see what happens.

Oh yeah, I think I might try to find a part-time evening or weekend job, just to help bring in a little more money. After next month's rent, I'm gonna be low on funds for a short while, but I need to help out my family. Not sure how I'll pull that off yet. If you hear of any part-time work I could do after 4PM on weekdays or anytime on the weekends, please let me know :)

Btw, Brother got himself into a jail release program. Early release if he works for free (Edit: takes a seven-hour class on how to improve his life situation and get his life together). Basically an alternative to incarceration. So he got out yesterday afternoon, I had dinner with him and Karina yesterday evening, and then he started his full-time job (Edit: class) at the Sheriff's this morning at 8. I dropped him off, and I have to go pick him up now.

It's interesting how life goes sometimes. Sometimes it's predictable, and other times I wonder if life just pretends to be predictable.

Is this the first time I've given up on something?

Tuesday night, I quit my job by email. Not how I wanted to quit. Well, I didn't want to quit. But I couldn't handle my stress; I actually ended up crying at work. I felt so pathetic. But I knew I wasn't going to be happy there, and I knew I would always be stressed if they didn't give me some training because I felt like I wasn't catching up where it was necessary. I made so many mistakes, and the only time I would know would be when they told me I did something wrong. They would tell me what was wrong and kinda tell me how to avoid making that mistake.

I was getting the what-to-do's of my job, but I wasn't necessarily understanding the how's. And definitely not the why's. And there really weren't many explanations for my job; it was less show, more tell. Because I didn't understand why I was doing certain things, I didn't always know when I should do them.

They held me responsible for things that I know I should be responsible for, but they had to understand I was still new to the job and I didn't know where everything was yet. Missing or misplaced hard drives and chassis. I didn't touch those particular parts; they had gone missing from Johnny's time in inventory. I know this because I did the physical inventory count on his last day and noted that those particular items were missing. But since he wasn't there anymore, I was responsible; they told me I had to find out what happened to the parts, but I didn't know how I was supposed to find out. If the people who have worked there for years don't know how to find out (and they had done my job before), how I am to know?

I need some guidance because I had zero experience.

The fact that inventory was only partly organized and all over the place made it difficult for me to track and find parts, especially the motherboards and chassis. Give me time to figure where everything is? Please stop moving the parts around without letting me know. But that happened, and I was held responsible when other people moved our parts without my knowledge. At least write it down on the note cards for me, or even just leave me a note on my desk. Why was I solely holding responsibility for the inventory when anyone else could go into inventory and take what they need? I couldn't always be in the inventory rooms. I had many places to be: my desk, main inventory room, second inventory room, third inventory room, Production (which was very large), back of warehouse, and front office.

Mainly I was just overwhelmed by how many responsibilities I had going in. Receiving, scanning, picking, counting, submitting RMAs, returning RMAs, updating information in the RMA software, emailing manufacturers about RMAs, adjusting sales order items, packaging, tracking things down. Because I was new to all of these responsibilities, I should have been eased into some of them. At the least, there should have been some thorough training and maybe a list of what my priorities should have been. I mean, after all, I was expecting to do assembly work because that's where my strongest skills lie; and there's not that much variety in assembly.

I wish I wasn't complaining about the company, but I just didn't fit in that work environment and the work environment didn't fit me. I would rather quit and use my time to find other work that suits me. So I'm hoping everything will work out. I know I could do the job I had, but only with proper training. Please explain to me why I'm doing something; so in the future, when I run into that reason, I know what to do next.

Blah. I felt so pathetic quitting the job, but I'm weaksauce when it comes to stress. Stressors from work and family built up too much. Can't quit family, so gotta quit the job. Haven't told my family. Hoping I won't have to.

I was offered a temp data entry job with Randstad, the same one from December. I just need to resubmit some forms that they'll email me. Hopefully, this job won't fall through this time. Yeah, still $10 an hour, but it's cool; I don't really drive around much. No overtime at Randstad either, I think; though, I don't think this last job paid me for overtime; either that, or they withheld a lot more of my pay than I expected. Anyway, Randstad job is in Mountain View, a mile and a half farther away from home than my old job in Fremont.

I really miss my job in Fremont. I miss my coworkers the most. They treated me like family; it was nice.

I've been applying to jobs on Craigslist and Snagajob nonstop. C'mon, data entry jobs, get back to me.

I just want a job with some training. Good on-the-job training that prepares me well. I mean, I know if I got a job where my mechanical skills came into use, training would be easier. If I get another office job, training might have to be a little more intensive and structured for me because of the multitasking that's involved.

I'm giving myself about two or so weeks to secure a job before I decide my family needs to know I don't have a job. This is so fun.


Oh yeah, Brother went to jail on Tuesday too. I didn't think it would affect me so much, but that thought affected me the whole day. I wasn't expecting it to have such an impact on me because I feel like it didn't really before. Maybe because I see the improvement he's made in his life and the fact that he's going to be a father to a little girl, I have hope that this will be the last time he seriously messes up.

Ah, I'm just a well of emotion this week.

Mission Peak and Natural Bridges State Beach

Saturday: MIssion Peak hike with Shiva, Mai, Phil, Amy, and Paul. I thought we were going to take the easier route, but we did not. We used the Stanford Avenue entrance. Steep climb. Bad breathing. Weak left knee. It was all bad. I had to take a break every ten minutes or so. I wanted to give up after about twenty minutes, but I pushed myself past the pain and exhaustion. I think about halfway up the mountain, I started feeling better and took fewer breaks. Finished the ascent in one hour and fifty minutes :D

We took an alternate route down because Phil said it would be easier. It definitely was not. Some parts of the trail were super steep. At one point, Shiva fell >: Luckily, she fell back instead of forward. Then it was my turn to fall. I was slowly stepping down sideways. I decided to take a few steps at a time but gained too much momentum, propelling myself forward until I tripped and fell. Unfortunately, I fell harder on my bad knee and also kinda threw out my left shoulder. But I got up and continued. We finished the descent in one hour and forty minutes. Well, Paul and Amy left without us because they had places to go.

Exhausted and hungry, the rest of us went to eat at Green Cafe in Milpitas. Good pho. Then I was happy to go home, shower, and rest haha.

Sunday: Natural Bridges beach with Shiva. Small beach. Smaller than I remembered from second grade haha. Granted, I was a small child, so everything else looked big. Arrived there around 3PM, but it was kinda cold. Overcast. Breezy. Sand was warm. Water was freezing. Shiva didn't get to boogie-board >: But the waves did get her at the shins. Other than that, we just chilled on the sand and talked about random stuff. (Her birthday is coming up soooon O: She's gonna turn 24! And then she's leaving for law school!) We stayed for almost two hours. Eventually got too chilly, so we headed back to SJ.

Details are lost because I'm exhausted. I need sleep. Rawr.

SF Pride and Second week at KSC

Pride was this past weekend. I got to enjoy my Saturday there with Shiva, Mai, Ash, Harrison, and a new friend, Theresa (or is it Teresa?). Basically, we just walked around all day. I think the only times we sat down were on the BART and during dinner at KPOP.

We tried to make the start of the Dyke March, but we just barely missed the Dykes on Bikes. Followed the march all the way to Castro. Met up with Matt, Nick, and their friends for a short bit. Went to dinner, where Harrison joined us. I tried Korean beer. Hite. It was not bad. Tried some soju for the first time too. Not my fave; the alcohol is strong. Afterward, walked to Lexington. I was super tired. Yawning every minute. Ash paid attention and kept pointing it out haha.

I like Pride. But there are so many people... I don't know why I continue to want to come back. So many people. Also, every time I go to Pride, I always say I want to have a partner to go to the next Pride with me. Never happened. Never going to happen >: Haha.

Oh, Karina told me her new coworker went to Pride. The coworker said so many fights broke out at Pride that she and her friends just decided to go home where it was safer. Don't know if the fights were event-related or not. Also, there were straight guys at Pride that were going around calling other guys "faggots" and talking trash about them. Supposedly, someone got in their faces about that. The coworker left before she saw what became of this altercation.

I somehow missed all this negative energy. Kinda glad. But also sad that any of this would be happening at all at Pride. Our safe space is being invaded by idiots.


Anyway, work has been ok. Monday was super tough on me. I was on my own. No Johnny to guide me. However, he had sent an email to all of us with his last messages about work and some advice. It kinda helped me. I was still struggling though. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing when I finished a task. So I spent most of my time sitting at my desk, reading online about the various parts that we buy and the products we sell, educating myself a little.

I think I've pretty much got everything down except the RMA stuff. I never quite know which RMA to do and to which manufacturer I must submit the request. So I've asked a lot of questions. I get quick answers, vague answers, I-don't-know answers, and answers I just don't understand or can't follow. I think it's the language barrier. Chinese as their primary language, English as their secondary or tertiary. So how some coworkers explain things doesn't help me understand the answer. But I can't keep asking because everyone's pretty busy.

So Monday was hard because I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, I wasn't going to do anything right, I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't understand the what, how, or why of my job. It all culminated in me feeling completely inadequate and incompetent. I was on the verge of tears at work because I felt all this pressure to do everything right. So overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility placed on me. I wanted to quit already.

Felt like that all day. Even after work, well into the night. I really wanted to just quit so that the responsibilities wouldn't rest on me anymore. That was my emotional side. My logical side told me that I was just irritable because of the unbearable heat. Home is super hot, and work is super hot. I'm just sweating all day. The only times I'm cool enough are on the drive to and from work and in the shower. Once I step out of my car or bathroom, I immediately start sweating from the heat. And if you know me, you know I don't like hot weather. I can't handle it very well.

So yeah, my logical side guessed that if I had started this job in the winter, I probably wouldn't feel this negatively about everything going on at work. I also reasoned that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've never had this much responsibility for anything, so it should take some getting used to. After all, I had applied to be an assembler, not an inventory clerk or RMA associate. Assembly doesn't require as many responsibilities. So it is understandable that I feel overwhelmed by everything that I have to learn in a short amount of time. With little training. Actually, there's no training. They tell me to do something. If I can't figure it out, I ask people questions until someone shows me or I ask enough questions. Then I make mistakes, and someone corrects me. And I hopefully don't make more of the same mistakes.

I'm getting past my moments of hopelessness and negativity. I'll continue to get past them. I'll get better at it, or they'll just stop coming at me. Either way, I know I can succeed if I persist. Just gotta remind myself of that, and everything will be all right :)

Tuesday was better, and today was definitely better. Work has slowed down a little bit. Or rather it's backed up at the beginning of the day, evens out during the middle, and slows to a snail's pace at the end. I'm slowly starting to make small, casual conversation with a few coworkers. I don't feel too much like an outsider anymore. (They're also hiring more Vietnamese people, so I'm not one of two but one of four haha.)

I had about three hours of down time at the end of my day today. There was nothing to do, and no one needed my assistance. I could have spent three hours just being lazy. But instead, I started typing up the procedural steps to my job responsibilities, at least the ones that I'm somewhat comfortable with. At first, it was just so I could have something to refer to and to use as a reminder. Then I changed my mind and decided to make it so that the next person to do my job will have an outline for everything they need to learn. I wish I had an outline or job handbook or something to help me out. But I don't. And I still don't know everything about my job. So I'm making the outlines from what I know and remember. Receiving, inventory, purchase orders, and sales orders are the easiest to remember, so I typed that all out first. Then storage of CPUs and memory. Next is printing. I'll probably add in shipping. RMA will probably be last because I still don't know it well enough.

I figure that if I can write a decent outline of the responsibilities and tasks, that means I actually know and understand what I'm doing. Hopefully, I won't forget any important details. And it will be something good and useful for the next person. But I would probably have to train the next person. If I don't though, they'll have my notes haha.

Do I feel like I'll stay with this company for a long time? Probably not. I mean my desire to quit is pretty weak now. I'm starting to get things right. But I don't feel like I fit well with the company. Like I said before, the people are nice. But the company itself doesn't mesh with me. Few reasons: no AC--I'm dying in there; no training--I feel quite unprepared for a lot of things; little organization--things feel like they're all over the place.

Oh, and since I'm responsible for inventory, anything that's missing will be my fault. We're missing a few things; or rather my physical count did not match Quickbooks. That's on me, even though this stuff went missing before Johnny left. (I did the count when he was still working.) Meh. I'll argue my case if I have to.

So yeah, that's work. I have lots more to say, but I can't remember anymore and I really should be sleeping...


It's Fourth of July weekend. Four-day weekend! I can rest! So tired. Still need to do chores--laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. Maybe after, I'll do fun things with people. Oh, and finish what I can of the outlines. Hope I can remember everything.

Anyway, huzzah! :P

First two days at KSC.

I started my job in Sunnyvale yesterday. I decided to take 101 just to see what traffic would be like. Man, it was slow. Fifty minutes to go fourteen miles. It took forty to get home.

I managed to get to work a half hour early though. Met some coworkers. Everyone looked somewhat incredulous when I said I was hired as an assembler. They don't think I could lift anything. i demonstrated. I also explained that I've assembled furniture before, and I've carried heavy equipment and whatnot.

I ended up being trained in filling sales orders, maintaining inventory, and handling RMAs (Return Merchandise Authorizations) by Johnny, whose last day was today. I'm essentially taking over his job, even though I was hired mainly for assembly. Supposedly, I'll help out with assembly soon. As for the sales orders and inventory, I think I've got the hang of them. (This could help me when I start looking for inventory-focused jobs, which is what I had mainly been looking for before anyway.) The RMAs, however, confused the hell out of me. There are two kinds of RMAs, but there are three different procedures depending on which type and from whom I received the request. My brain got a little jumbled about all that.

They gave me a notebook so that I could write things down to remember. So I've been taking notes, but I still don't think I'm quite all there yet. Only experience and hopefully not too many mistakes to help me learn and be where I need to be.

Training was not thorough. Johnny admitted it. Plus, only two days of training. Not enough. I need at least a few days where I do things and get direct feedback so I can learn, adapt, and improve. But I guess I'll just have to wing it and ask everyone a lot of questions >.< And hope that I get everything right and on time.

Anyway, today wasn't too bad. I filled sales orders, logged inventory, labeled computer memory with stickers, and counted inventory. Took me three hours to count inventory. It doesn't even look like they have much either, but it took the longest time.

I think the closest thing I've done to assembling has been taking CPUs, memory, and hard drives out of motherboards and kits. Oh yeah, I'm slowly remembering the terminology.

Today, I found out that the company comps free lunch delivery every Friday. And we're all to eat together as a big family. Cool. Save me some food money :P Or really save me from having to prepare lunch on Thursday nights haha. Anyway, lunch pretty much introduced me to everyone in the building. I think we've got closer to twenty than thirty people in the company. I think there were only sixteen people in the lunchroom. We introduced ourselves and played Two Truths and a Lie, except people didn't really understand the concept of it haha, but it was fun.

So my impression of KSC so far: nice atmosphere, nice people, cheap on the AC (Is there even AC in Production or Purchasing?), and a bit disorganized. Or maybe I'm just not used to their way of organizing things. Eventually, yeah?

I don't really know what else to say. Work is exhausting. Or mainly just very hot. I wish it started and ended earlier, but 9 to 6 gives me eight and a half hours of work every day. Overtime, woot woot!

Ok, time to pass out. When I wake up, I need to get some things done (cleaning, laundry, car battery change) and maybe go to SF Pride :D

Second official job!

I accepted the job offer from KSC. Tomorrow will be my last day at KPI, and I'll start my new job on Thursday.

So after 30 days, the medical and dental plans will kick in. That's good. I need healthcare...

Hours are 9 to 6. Nine hours. Two fifteen-minute breaks and one half-hour lunch. I'm still a bit confused about the two breaks. Do I get paid for those? If I do, does that mean I'll get overtime every day? I'll ask for clarification on Thursday when I come in to sign the forms and whatnot. I'm not too fond of the hours. I would prefer to start early, like I currently do, but I guess it's nice to not have to wake up at 5AM. Starting Thursday, I can wake up at 6 or 7AM :D I'll probably continue to sleep early, but it won't be such a pain if I occasionally stay up past 10.

So I think I'm probably going to keep like an extra pair of pants in my car for work. I was told that my job allows me to wear casual stuff, but if I end up delivering products to customers, I have to wear somewhat professional clothing. I'm a work jeans kind of person; so I guess I will have to keep an extra pair of pants in the car in case they don't let me know the day before that I'll be making a delivery.

This is exciting! I'm slightly anxious. Oh, change, why must you make me feel this way? But I'm still excited for change. Hopefully to a job that I'll really enjoy. C'mon! I get to help build computers! I get to build things :D Hope I learn quickly enough haha.

Wow, I've been working at KPI for fourteen and a half weeks. More than three months. I didn't know how long I was gonna stay there, but it's been good. I really like my coworkers there. It's kinda like a big family. I'll be sad to not see them anymore. I don't even know how I will tell any of them tomorrow... It is last-minute and sudden. I can't not tell them; I don't want to leave them hanging and worrying about me.

Oh, I got a call today from a friend of a family friend. He asked me if I wanted him to forward my resume to a company that I thought he had just left. I don't know why he asked me. He supposedly sent it to the company twice already... -shrug- I told him to go ahead and do so. I could land a job in Milpitas that will pay me $15 an hour, but it's as an office assistant. I could do it. I don't know if I would enjoy it. However, it would be even closer to home than KSC and would definitely pay more. We'll see if that Milpitas company contacts me at all. Though, I would hate to leave KSC just like that...

I'll figure things out as opportunities arise. Hopefully, everything will work out well and for the best for everyone :)

Job offer from KSC

Earlier this month, I applied for the computer assembler/tester position at King Star Computer, Inc. via Craigslist. They contacted me on Friday, and we had a mini phone interview. We had the in-person interview today right after I got out of work. I somehow made it from Fremont to Sunnyvale in less than thirty minutes :D

I'm always so nervous during interviews, but today I was relatively calm on the inside haha. I managed to impress two people at KSC. About twenty minutes after I left the building, I got a call telling me that they would like to offer me the job. I have until Wednesday to accept the job offer.

Thirteen and a half miles away from home. Will save about $25 a month on gas; not much, but it's something. Will make $10.00 an hour. Up $1.50 from my current job. And this would be a permanent job. Small company; only about thirty employees. The job actually allows me to build something. Rackmount servers. Basically computers of varing sizes. I think the company's mainly full of Chinese employees. Hopefully, I won't be too awkward haha.

I forgot to ask about what the hours and benefits are. But I called and left a message about that info with my interviewer. Hopefully, I'll find out about that stuff tomorrow and maybe even give them my answer then.

This will probably be a 9 to 5 job, meaning I'll actually have to deal with serious traffic. But it's all good.

I will continue looking for other jobs. But I'm gonna see what I can learn and gain from KSC if I do ultimately take this job. I can't wait to learn how to build a computer :D and how to do a bunch of other stuff because being a small company means all employees contribute in every way necessary.

In other news, KPI, my current employer, is training me for more advanced jobs. I don't like it because the advanced jobs mainly involve thoroughly checking tiny little parts. I like working the machines more. And I've learned that I can't really use microscopes very well; My eyes won't focus properly. I can only see through one eye when I use the microscope -_- It's annoying. And slow. Oh well.

Oh, and darn my forgetfulness. My car battery died today. I had left my headlights on for two hours in front of the house. When I went to my car to go to dinner with Brother and Karina, I couldn't unlock my car. When I manually unlocked the door, my car alarm went off and wouldn't turn off. I thought my key fob had run out of battery, but then my car wouldn't start. So I figured out what happened. Brother brought D over with jumper cables, and they jumpstarted my car with Karina's car. That was all fun.

Afterward, Brother, Karina, and I went to eat at San Pedro Square. Turns out an acquaintance of mine from Q&A is co-owner of Phonomenal and silent partner of On A Roll. Got a discount on our pho :D Then got Treatbot. Marielle was working tonight. Hadn't seen her in at least two years probably. I saw her and thought I recognized her but wasn't sure. But it turned out to be her. And she gave me a free double scoop :)

Today ended well. I'm happy. I hope tomorrow will go just as well if not better.

Not too much else has been happening. I've been reading more lately. It's nice to get back into reading for fun :) Oh, it also rained today. Supposed to rain tomorrow too. Fun. Always strange to see rain during the summer. I think it's cool though. As long as it's not pouring. I don't want high humidity. No saunas for me XP

Anyway, way past my bedtime. Need sleep! Good night, folks!

I'm going to be an aunt!

Brother informed the family tonight that his girlfriend, Karina, is currently thirteen weeks pregnant. Imagine the surprise! Or rather the lack of. Family was much more supportive and encouraging than usual. It was interesting.

My initial reaction: Slight raise of the eyebrow. Slow curve of a smile. Tilt of the head. Body leaning to the side toward the wall. Cool. "Wow."

I always knew Brother would be a parent before I would. I mean, c'mon, he's got five years on me.

I'm excited. We're all excited. I'm going to be an aunt. Mother and D are going to be grandparents! :) Main thing is Brother is going to be a father!! I think he will be a great father. He is an idiot sometimes, and he's made his mistakes. But he's a good person, and he's learning. I just have this feeling that he'll be a wonderful dad. Doting and overprotective, but great. I told him as much. I also told him I love him. First time I've said that without it being  a response to him saying it to me first.

My first nephew/niece. I can't wait to meet him/her. Not due until the end of the year. Mother's going to babysit a lot. She's looking forward to it. I think it would do her some good to have a baby in her house. She won't be alone. And I'll get to watch her interact with a baby.

And I'll learn how to take care of a child. I want to learn. I'm still terrified of kids. Maybe this will ease my anxiety around kids.

Anyway, this news woke me up a little. I was exhausted and wanted to go home to sleep. Then this news came out, and I was just awake. It brightened the end of my week. (Work wasn't the best this week.)

Now, we play the waiting game with the baby. Who will win? o: I'll try to keep you posted.

Yay, I moved again.

I spent the late morning and early afternoon moving all my stuff from Shiva's apartment and Mother's house to my new room. At first, it didn't look like I had that many things. But after I stuffed everything into my car from Mother's house, I felt like I had too many things. Clutter! Too much clothes. Especially since Brother gave me some more of his old clothes that he no longer fits.

I'm going to spend all day tomorrow trying to rid myself of clutter. It's going to be difficult. But I will do it! I'm also going to Swiffer the hell out of my room. It's so dusty and dirty -_- Once I get through this room, it's going to be clean, and I will enforce the Asian shoe rule.

Anyway, all my things have settled in my room, meaning each thing basically has a place in my room for now. But I still want to free up some space. I'm probably gonna donate some clothes to Goodwill. My old dresser is so full D: Much fuller than I thought it would be. It makes me sad.

So I like my room. I realize, though, there are a lot of bees in the front of the house. I hope I don't get stung >:

Oh, I met one of my roommates, the homeowner's uncle, who lives in the room across the hallway. He sure is a character. Quite hard on his nephew. But he seems like a very fair, understanding, and witty person, otherwise. He was yelling at his nephew, Peter, for not offering to help get me a job at some companies that Peter has connections too. I felt bad because Peter had offered but wasn't sure he could actually help me, given that I have a degree in Sociology and not something tech-related. His uncle yelled at him to try anyway >.> While I'm grateful for all the help (Peter did drive all the way from SF to help transport my bed and chair in his truck), I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone. This is only the third time that Peter and I have talked in person. But he and his uncle are very generous and thoughtful people, I guess...

Mm, the fridge has absolutely zero space for my future food and drink. The Chinese girl, who lives in the room that once was a garage, cooks a lot. Much of the stuff in the kitchen is hers, taking up most of the space. The rest is the uncle's. I found some corner in one of the cabinets to put my bowls, plate, cup, and utensils. Though, it appears there are enough of those things in the cabinets for a whole party of people. But it's me; I don't really want to share things with strangers all that much. Anyway, there is a mini fridge in the kitchen that I will be using for a short while until the girl rearranges her fridge and freezer stuff so there's a little space for me. I just want to store my juice, a few beers, a few water bottles, and some food stuff. Though, I'm cool with using the mini fridge, but the owner doesn't want to risk getting a high energy bill.

Uhh, I hope it takes me just a week to get used to living in this place. I also hope that I'll enjoy living here and my stay lasts for a long while. I don't want to move again. At least not until I have way fewer things to move with me haha.

Oh yeah, I don't have a computer desk yet. Should be delivered within the next few days. Then I can bring my desktop with me :D I miss my desktop so much. But that means I have to go purchase a wireless adapter for my computer since it's nine years old. No wireless connection built in >: Until then, my netbook will still get some love from me.

Ooh, I renewed my library card yesterday. Borrowed a few books (two novels by Dean Koontz and A Child Called "It"). Can't wait to read them. It's been a long time since I've been to and borrowed anything from the library. Shiva borrowed a few children's books and a Dean Koontz book too :P

Ahh, this past week has been pretty relaxing. But also stressful at times for various reasons. But now the week is almost over. I have one more day for rest and everything else I need to do. Then Monday, it's back to work and making a living.

I'm so tired, and my head feels like it's all over the place. I should go home and rest. Maybe take a shower. I feel disgusting. Sweat, dust, and dirt. But if I go home, I'm going to want to clean and reorganize... Why can't I just leave it be for now? Rawr. Darn my compulsions -___- Must distract myself with a book! Don't think about clutter...