Future Parenting Goal.

Last night, I drove to Berkeley for Kat's housewarming :D That was fun. First time I ever drove to Berkeley. I thought I got lost in Berkeley and turned my car around to check to see if I missed a turn. Turns out I had turned around about two blocks before the correct street I needed to turn on. Rawr -w- Well, now I know for future reference.

The party was fun. Mainly talked to friends from high school. Had a Peppermint Patty shot (put chocolate syrup in your mouth and add a shot of Peppermint Schnapps), which I actually enjoyed. And I'm not a big fan of peppermint. I also brought my last Smirnoff Ice for myself haha, and I learned what "getting iced" meant. Next time, I'll bring a pack or two. I usually do, but last night I forgot XP My last drink of the night was Captain Morgan with Brisk as a chaser. Then it was time to sober up to drive home.

Witnessed a few drinking games of Soccer and Beer Pong. Team drinking games make me laugh and also scare me because, if your teammates let you down, you'll be at risk of downing tons of alcohol by the end of a game haha.

So Femi, Andrew, Felix, and I were arguing about parenting. I don't know how we got into this topic, but we did. I was not fully sober for this, so I think some of my logic did not make it through haha. Andrew said he would let his college-aged daughter have a guy sleep in her bedroom in his house because, if they're already doing it in the dorms, he doesn't feel like forbidding them changes anything. He doesn't want to be in denial about the fact that his daughter may be sexually active. The other two guys were adamantly against it. They would forbid it, saying that it was a matter of respect. If their daughter respected them, she wouldn't have a guy sleep in her room, even if she is an adult. If they allowed their daughter to have a guy in her room, that's just an open invitation for her to sleep around with any guy anywhere. (I personally think that it depends on the person. Not everyone thinks like that.)

The argument split into two different ones. Femi and Andrew had their own. Felix and I had ours, debating about parenting styles. Felix wants to be "controlling but not abusive"--his words, not mine--making his daughter live how he wants her to live and to follow his ideals because he wants her to have the best possible life, since she wouldn't really know what's best for herself. I understand that, but I don't think that's necessarily the best way to raise your kid.

I wish I had been sober enough to think through my whole argument haha...

I want to raise my kids to know how to think, not what to think, so that they know how to approach any situation they come into. Because I know what they think could be very different from what I think and also I won't always be around to tell them what to think. And I'm not going to say what they think is right or wrong because right and wrong isn't the way I want to look at things. While I wouldn't want my kids to sleep around or have sex with their significant others under my roof, I'm not gonna try to take away all their freedom to decide. This is what I want: My kids decide to do something because that's what they want and they have thought it through. They've made the best decision they could make in the situation. If I could raise my kids to do that, I'll generally be happy with the decisions they make, whether I agree. If they want to sleep around, despite me stating that I prefer they don't, that's their choice, their life, and their consequences. If the consequences turn out badly, I'm not going to hope they feel regret for the rest of their lives. I don't want to them to learn from shame; I want them to acknowledge that maybe their decisions weren't the best and learn from their mistakes.

Shaming is a whole other topic I could talk about. I think it's fine to a certain extent but not to the extent that Felix was talking about. Telling your kid "I'm disappointed in you" and then talking it out is fine. Telling your kid "You're a shame/disgrace to this family" and not giving them a chance to learn from it is not. I kept telling Felix that he needs to have some leeway with his kids because not every kid is gonna mess up their life. Every kid's different with different personalities and temperaments; you have to find the right balance of parenting. There's no one way to raise all kids.

Respect and trust play into how you raise your children. A lot of parents only think, "My child need to respect me and trust my judgment." They don't think, "I need to respect my child and trust their judgment," even after their kids prove they can make sound judgments. Felix even said he didn't want his kids to think he trusted them, so that they would always strive to gain his trust. But that could backfire so badly. If they felt like they could never gain his trust, they might stop trying and stop listening to him altogether. Where would they be then? I think we gotta treat everyone as their own person; we guide and shape our kids as best we can, but it gets to a point where they gotta shape themselves. They become adults at some point, not necessarily at age 18. They have to get to a point where they take responsibility for themselves. If we try to control them after that point, if they only ever do what we want them to do, when will we actually be able to hold them accountable for anything, especially themselves? I don't want my kids to be my pets learning the tricks I taught them. They should be their own people/individuals, hopefully with some of the values I try to instill but at least with values that they have thoughtfully chosen.

Anyway, the argument was pretty intense. I was super into it haha. Almost got emotional about it XP but that was because I was talking about my family and other friends' families as examples. You can be strict as hell or super lenient, but you could still end up with a fucked-up "good kid" or a "bad kid" who eventually turns his life around without your help. Even if there was a right way to raise children, every child reacts differently. Some kids straighten up after being grounded or being shamed; others rebel more or at least try to hide more from you. You need to adapt to your child; that's all I'm saying. You can't say that controlling your kid's life is the only way they'll turn out right. I will say though that I could be wrong and that more control of your kid's life might be more beneficial. You just gotta see how things come out after you do something. I'll raise my kids my way, other people raise their kids their ways, and we all hope we get something right.

Blah. Too much thinking for drinking last night haha. It probably still doesn't make sense. Haha this was not a big part of the night, though it did last at least an hour. It was just very... I dunno... It stuck in my mind for a while. I hope whomever I have kids with will share my perspective on parenting but also challenge it, so we can improve and give our kids the best possibilities. I am afraid that I say all this now but when I actually have kids, I will change my mind and become too controlling. I am a perfectionist on the inside; will I put that on my kids though? I don't know. We'll see.

Ok, done with this topic for now haha.


So I gave Femi a ride back to San Jose. We left Kat's place around 2:30 in the morning, though I had wanted to leave at 1. Just kept talking about random things, like Bubblegum Baby... ahahaha. Didn't actually start driving back to San Jose until about 3:20 because Femi, Alex D, and I were standing outside the apartment complex talking about cars and headphones :P

Overall a good night. Super tired by midnight though. Somehow stayed awake and drove home. The car ride home was full of stories about bad driving haha.

I passed out when I got home. Woke up after 10. Was supposed to do errands, but was too tired. So everything I was supposed to do today has been pushed back XP Awesome! Haha.