Clutter.

I have no idea if and how I am ever going to move into and live in a bigger place. More space... just the thought of it makes me feel nervous, just very slightly anxious.

My current room is probably about 9' x 10'. My bed takes up just less than half of that area. There are also a computer desk, a small chair, and a dresser. Everything else (luggage, boxes of memorabilia, laundry basket, some clothes, random stuff) fits in my closet. I have just about everything I own with me in my room.

If you recall, I spent a lot of time over the past year or so reorganizing, tossing, and donating my things because I wanted to prepare myself to move out of Mother's home and also just to not have so much stuff I didn't need. (There is still so much left that I could get rid of, but I'm attached to some things.) By the standards of some of my friends, I have very few things, and it's all very organized. I look at my space, and I see so much more room for improvement.

I still see so much clutter. I want to get rid of more things, but I'm afraid I'll regret tossing something out. So far I haven't yet regretted anything I've gotten rid of, except maybe a CD or two from my childhood but it's not really regret; I'm not beating myself up over them.

I think I may be slightly obsessive about how much I have and compulsive about de-cluttering. Most days, I will myself to not think about any of it. But when I can't will myself, I just think a dresser and a box or two should be able to hold all my stuff; however, that's not the case, and it annoys me that I can't fit most of my things into that amount of space. I feel uncomfortable with the knowledge that I have so much stuff.

I may or may not go into another de-cluttering frenzy soon. You know, where I sort my stuff out, feel satisfied for about a day, and repeat. Yeah, I may have an issue. I'm not even joking. When I'm in my room, I tend to feel like there's too much around me and just want to get rid of everything. Except obviously I don't let myself do it because I know some of these things are important.

-sigh- I don't even know why I obsess about this. I didn't before, did I? I don't even buy that much stuff. I usually spend money on food, gas, and a necessary item here and there. Last time I went to Target was to buy health-related things, a carton of ice cream, and string cheese haha. I dislike shopping, but I do it. When I do, I don't buy much. So I don't understand why I feel like I have too much. I mean, I do add things to my room sometimes but not because I bought it. Most things I add to my collection of possessions usually come in the form of gifts from others or just my family's contributions to my well-being. And I have the hardest time getting rid of those because my appreciation of people's generosity prevents me from doing so.

What was the point of this post? To share my current late-night obsession. I can't sleep >: I keep thinking about how I'm going to reorganize things or get rid of them. Also thinking about going to Target tomorrow to buy a plastic storage container to put all my memorabilia in. They're currently stored in two stacked boxes, which Shiva gave me a few months back. I would keep them in those boxes, except a cockroach found its way into my room a few mornings ago. I freaked out because I keep my room clean; the fact that a roach still found my room welcoming annoys me. So I read online that cardboard boxes can attract both roaches and spiders. Plastic containers would be better for storage. I also like plastic because critters generally don't chew through or find their way into those sealed containers.

Also, if I could fit the stuff from two boxes into one container, that would be awesome. Trying to reduce the quantity of boxes I use to store things. I was debating whether to get one or two plastic storage containers. I think one is good; two will just leave too much empty space in one container haha. I don't like having too much extra storage space... Just having enough extra space is good. I know I'm weird.

So I feel like moving into a much bigger place, like an apartment, either leaves me with a lot of unused space or with a potential urge to fill in the space. Either way, I don't think I would be very happy. I think I'm very happy in a small space like my current bedroom, even if I wish I had a bathroom and a kitchenette attached directly to my room or lived in a room that was 12' x 12'. Or had a twin-sized bed instead of a full-sized one :P I'm pretty sure I would only be happy moving into a larger space if I were to have a roommate who took up a little more than half the space haha. Otherwise, like I already stated, the idea of that much space for myself just makes me nervous.

Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to survive in this world if this is a major concern of mine hahaha.

Seriously though, I don't want to take up space that I feel like I don't need, but I'm still taking up that space.

I know, eventually, I'll figure this out and hopefully find a good balance of space or something. Now, I must try to sleep.

Thanks for reading this ridiculous post. It made me feel a little better to type it out. Good night.