I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.

I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.

Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.

After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?

I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.

I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.

I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.

Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.

Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.

Another lost soul?

The latest in the apparent Palo Alto suicides. RIP.

Life is hard enough without thinking about those who suffer. We have to hear about those who can't fight the suffering. Reading and hearing about these kinda stories makes me stop and think about who I couldn't help.

Life's too short. Life ends. Sooner or later. Most of us would prefer later. Sometimes, I think about the suicides and wonder...


Anyway, today, I read Plato's Apology for my Philosophy class. It's interesting. Makes me rethink my perspective on life and death a little bit. For the most part, I agree with the points. I never could say death was good or bad, just that it is what it is.

You know, I don't think I'd ever really tell just anyone what I think of life, death, and the in-betweens. You would think I was sick. You would think that I need help. Maybe. We wouldn't want that to happen, would we?

What a depressing way to end the school year..

My mom just told me about a 17-year-old girl that was hit by a Caltrain last night. It seems to be a suicide. Exactly a month after another teen appeared to have committed suicide at the same crossing. Two students from the same school, Gunn. No one has found a correlation between the two suicides, but the assumption is his suicide may have been the catalyst for hers. But who really knows?

After the first teen's death, Gunn started with the grief counseling and the teen depression assemblies (You can read about them, I think. Just Google).

Now, the students have two friends to remember during their graduation. Damn. That's all I can say. I don't know what to think. It just makes me sad.

Every time I hear about another suicide, whether it's near or not, I just sink into a depression myself. I suppose some would call that suicide contagion. Can't help it. I just feel something for these people who lose and who lost. I guess you would call it empathy?


Anyway, I haven't been updating because I haven't really had anything to say. Or I did, but I didn't know how to word it correctly. So I put it off, and I've been occupying my time with watching Degrassi: The Next Generation. Finally haha. Great show. I'm finally on season 8. However, I must say I loved the show best in the earlier seasons.

Aaand I kinda lost interest as soon as Alex left for Ajax -____- Laaame. Her exit was too rushed, too abrupt. Her relationship with Paige should have had more depth, more development. There was chemistry between them! This storyline was like a really short play time on a seesaw. It made me sad. Both girls made great character development and then just went caput (not sure I spelled that right). Whyyy? I had hopes.

And now that I see half of the original cast is gone, I'm even more sad :( Marco, Ellie, Hazel, Terri, etc etc. Gah, what is happening?! haha

Oh, I realized that Deanna Casaluce (played Alex) was Emily from Hooking Up hahaha. You know, the short online series with sxephil, kevjumba, and lonelygirl15. Deanna is the fourth person. I hella didn't recognize her until I looked it all up on IMDb. And wow, total 180. Seeing her play serious Alex and then silly Emily. Wow. Go, versatility! :P


Ah, yeah. That's all. I don't want to say anything else 'cause I'm afraid I'm gonna say something too depressing XP Hmm, I've been working on my chin-ups :P Not accomplished yet, but I'm getting there :D Oh, and I should really get in touch with an ST senior soon to inquire about graduation tickets :P I really wanna go. Maybe I'll ask Marielle, hm.

Anyway, I should go to bed early tonight. Good Night.

How do you know one of your friends isn't suicidal?

I've been reading forums and stuff. There are a lot of people who make fun of those who commit or attempt suicide. They laugh and call them names. It pisses me off.

People need help.


If you're one of those who laugh, why? What's so funny about people who can't cope with their pain? What if one of your closest friends were having thoughts about suicide? Would you still be laughing? You might say none of your friends think those kinds of thoughts, but how would you know? You're too busy making fun of people to notice anything's wrong. And if your friend really does have those thoughts, why would he turn to you if he thinks you're gonna laugh at him too?

Depression can happen to anyone. Just because it doesn't affect you doesn't mean that everyone else it affects is weak or is a loser or whatever. They've got problems, and they need help. Your friends need your help. (Btw, I see everyone as a potential friend. When you turn someone away because you think they're weak, then you are weak because you don't have the strength to help them.)


There are also people who say that the suicidal are self-centered or attention-whores. Some, maybe. Not all. If they wanted attention, the suicidal wouldn't succeed in killing themselves. Attention after death isn't really worth a damn to the dead. They're dead. For some people, they just want to get away from their pain. That's understandable. When we're in pain, we try to get away from the pain. You touch something that burns, you jerk your hand away immediately. That's a given. When life feels painful, death is the easiest "reaction."

I guess, we could also say that some suicides are to get attention, who really knows? Yeah, we have psychologists who might say that; but these are just assumptions or theories (A lot of what we say about things is assumption or theory, not undeniable truth). Attention, yeah, people might want others to finally notice their pain but only after they die. I don't know, seems to me that it depends on how and where they choose to die. Like, if they commit suicide in a public area, like a school, they seem to really want to say, "I couldn't take it anymore. See this? I'm dead. It's your/someone else's fault."

Of course, I'm just stating what I think. I don't know for sure. I've never known anyone who committed suicide. At least I don't think I have.

And it seems people tend to choose their final resting place to be where they experienced most of their pain. It seems rare that they choose to die where they felt at peace when they were alive. Of course, I'm only basing this off of the stories that have been publicized in the newspapers and such.

"Self-centered." Yeah. I guess we could call them that. They're only thinking about their pain. They're not thinking about other people's pain. But apparently, other people aren't thinking about the pain of the suicidal either. Emotional or psychological pain could be just as bad as the physical pain that people in third world countries endure. How would you know? Do you know the pain that either groups of people experience? The emotional, psychological, or physical? How can you compare one person's pain to another's?

People have different pain tolerances. Some people would prefer emotional pain to physical. Others, vice versa. You cannot say one person's suffering is worse than another's. You can't even say that one person's suffering is non-existent. Who are you to decide who really is feeling pain or not? It's not your pain. No one can decide your pain, so you shouldn't be saying crap about others'.


Sorry, I can't get everything out of my head onto the screen... ahh...


If we could prevent every possible suicide, would this be a happier world? Who knows? Would the pain all go away?

If we don't prevent suicides, would this be a happier world? Who knows? Happy people would stay alive, yeah? Wouldn't that be happier?


We all die sooner or later. What's so wrong about dying sooner rather than later? "You have your whole life ahead of you." What does that mean? Do you mean it when you say it?


Ahh, I give up. I don't know where I'm going with this. I started off being ticked about the mockers and the idiots. I just wished they would listen before they start insulting people they don't know. Mock your friends because your friends understand you. Don't mock strangers, they might kill you.