Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.