Well, I accidentally deleted my original draft for this post. That sucks.
----
2019 started off well enough. I went to a couple of events and hung out with friends. I went to Gameboi in February. To be honest though, I don't really remember the beginning of this year all that well. My focus this year was on my anxiety, my fears, my health, and my relationships.
2019 shoved me to the ground and kicked me to the point that I didn't know if I was going to survive. My mind has been in dark places before, but this year found me in some of the darkest and craziest. I felt like I was losing my mind and myself. I didn't know if I would ever find my way back to normalcy. Everything felt like an endless maze that kept shifting every time I thought I was on the right track.
I used to want to escape from real life. The party life used to help me do that. Now, I don't want to escape anymore. I want to be present and to face life, but my mind keeps trying to go off into some other place I don't want to be. It happens when I expect it to; it happens when I don't expect it to. It has been a struggle. I've cried, I've hid, I've prayed, and I've frozen in fear. I've hated myself for the choices I made that led me to this point of my life.
Now, I don't hate myself. I still cry. I still pray. I try my best not to freeze when I'm scared. I'm practicing having compassion for myself. Not always successful, but I'm not so hard on myself for continuing to struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not as afraid of being alone. I still struggle to fall asleep, but it's getting a little easier to fall asleep every night. I have some safety measures in place in case I start to panic, but I haven't had a strong need to use any of them in a while. It's just nice to know they're there.
I'm grateful for my friends and coworkers who've become good friends. They've given me their time, warmth, and lessons. I'm blessed to know I have their support in my darkest moments. Who knows if and how I would have survived this year without these thoughtful and caring people (and therapy)?
Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues and obsessions I've had in my life. I've grown so accustomed to them that I didn't even realize they were problems. Or if I did realize, I kinda just let myself forget about them until they built up into an uncontrollable mess that got exacerbated by my partying ways.
Talking things out with my therapist and my friends has helped a lot. Steady pressure relief. It's nice. My sense of hope has returned. I'm trying to hold on to it and do things to help it grow. I'm trying to get myself to go out a little more again. For a while, I couldn't watch movies because of my overactive imagination. I've gone to see Last Christmas, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Funny thing is the movie about Mr. Rogers probably freaked me out the most because of its realistic nature and a dream sequence it has; too reminiscent of some experiences for me.
Anyway, 2019 has led me down a foreign yet familiar path. I've had to deal with emotions and things I can't really explain, but I'm fortunate to have friends, who don't fully understand what's going on, stand beside me while I figure myself out and make changes to improve my situation. I'm relearning lessons and learning new lessons; hopefully, this time, I really keep these lessons with me and don't make the same mistakes in the future; and if I do, I hope I'm developing the strength to keep pushing myself to do better and not to feel sorry for myself.
I'm planning for a future that was always blurry to me. It still is blurry, but I'm hoping it gets clearer.
----
I'm going into 2020 with some hope and plenty of friends. Hoping I'll turn hindsight into foresight. Hope into action haha.
I don't have any set plans yet. But I want to make 2020 a good year. I don't want to fuck things up again. I don't want to scare the people who care about me. I want to make better decisions. I want to take smarter risks and to take better care of myself.
----
I wanted to go into more detail about this year, but accidentally deleting the draft just made me realize I don't need to focus on all of the details. I just want to focus on the journey and the progress of how I'm feeling.
Today, I feel better. And I know I can feel even better in the future. I just gotta keep putting in the effort.
----
Thank you, friends, for holding my hand, holding me, and loving me when I couldn't do anything for myself. Thank you for all the goodness and strength you've shared with me. Thank you for reflecting all my goodness and strength that I couldn't see on my own.
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Weekend of Destiny
I spent this past Friday and Saturday experiencing many new things. First inaugural festival. First small festival. First time really camping. First time going to a festival with a stranger (so it was almost like a solo trip). First time making strong connections with folks on my own. First time spending most of festival sitting down and still enjoying everything haha.
The Untz Festival. Top-notch everything. People, venue, production, music, atmosphere, everything.
Initially, I was planning to go completely solo. No idea with lodging or transportation. But in April, I decided to post on the Facebook event page to see anyone would adopt me into their group for the weekend. This wonderful stranger named Summer from SB replied to say she was going solo as well and offered to share her tent with me. And so the start of adventure was in the making.
I picked up Summer from the Greyhound stop at the Caltrain station early in the morning on Friday. We spent some time in downtown getting her coffee and getting food supplies from Safeway. Also, I was trying so damn hard to find a restroom to use. Nothing open before 9. Flames came through and let me use the restroom without having to buy anything haha. Thank goodness. Anyway...
Mariposa County Fairgrounds. Such a beautiful place. It only took about 2.5 hours to get there from San Jose. We set up camp in one of the pavilions and greeted some neighbors. Dusty, but not too bad. I think this was also the first time I've brought so much stuff with me. Not used to it. Used to hotels providing enough that I only bring one or two bags. Oh, but the heat. So hot. I was dying during the day (99 degrees! Low-80s at 9AM. Survived off of watermelon slushy drinks and caffeinated beverages). But luckily, the day stages, Half Dome and El Capitan, had canopies or mesh cover thingies (I really don't know what they're called). The night stages, Matterhorn and Glacier Point, were indoors and farther away from the main camping areas. All beautiful and unique setups. Initially, I thought the stages and screens were really small. But when the visuals came on, I was so blown away.
Hippie/gypsy vibes were new to me, but they grew on me and I loved it. People were so weird but so friendly; I mean, people have been nice at the other events I've attended, but the friendliness and atmosphere here were something else. Summer and I met several folks, whom we continued to run into throughout the weekend. Nate first (SF) and his friend Claire. Summer's new rave bae Zach and his friends Eric and Derek, all from 2 hours north of Seattle. All sorts of weirdness ensued. I loved it all. And I'm so grateful that everyone I met didn't mind that I was a follower haha. Too nervous to explore on my own. Maybe next year.
I came in only knowing of a handful of the artists (mostly of the melodic bass genre). I left, knowing there are so much more I want to listen to. Every set I heard was fantastic. All the funk and psychedelic music, I've listened to but never preferred. I still don't think I prefer them, but I have a newfound appreciation for the music. And I would definitely check out more events that feature these types of music. My top sets of the weekend (I'm not even sure I know how to rank them): Said The Sky (great first set to start the weekend), Illenium, Phutureprimitive, Bass Physics, Sugarbeats, Sixis, and Mystral. I listened to Desert Dwellers' set yesterday at work because Summer and I missed their set to nap. (Second time she's missed their set; so I say third time will be the charm.)
Summer and I kept joking that Destiny was on our side all weekend. I don't really believe in fate or destiny. But everything just seemed to fall together so well throughout the weekend. So this weekend became the Weekend of Destiny. Haha because she found rave bae, I got to sleep in our tent by myself both nights XD No complaints. A little lonely, but it was all good. Plenty of self-care and introspection time for myself.
I came into this festival not knowing or expecting anything. Well, okay, I kinda expected to be overwhelmed and not have that great of a time because this was a new festival and I didn't know how my introverted nature would affect my experience. I was very much introverted this weekend, but it didn't prevent me from fully enjoying myself. The friends I made were fucking wonderful, and no one made me feel like a loser for not "fully immersing" myself in the camaraderie. I got to do what I wanted to do without feeling like anyone would judge me for not doing it their way; and I often feel like people would judge me at other events I've gone to. But not at Untz. I was sitting for much of the weekend and not dancing much. But I was totally enjoying every second.
I hope the Untz Festival comes back because I will definitely go again. There is a chance it might not; the turnout was really low. So low that there really weren't any lines for anything, not the vendors, not the restrooms, not the showers. So low that, even at the most packed sets, there was so much room to dance directly in front of the stage. So low there was enough space for all of the flow artists to do their thing in the crowd. People gave space where it was needed. Last time I saw that was at Dreamstate SF, a trance event. I'm so used to people shoving me out of the way otherwise. At Untz, everyone was really nice and courteous :) All such beautiful people, even if I didn't talk to many of them haha.
Oh, just remembered, Summer and I got little chips of abalone shells and Pokemon cards from someone named Mikey. I got Clefable, and Summer got Cofagrigus (never heard of this one before haha). Not big on Pokemon, but it was still very exciting haha.
So much happened this past weekend, but I'm blanking on specifics. I was hoping that writing this entry would jog my memory, but it's not haha. Overall though, this was just an eye-opening and mind-blowing experience. One I didn't think I would ever experience. I mean, I thought EDC was great the first time, but Untz was something else entirely. And to think, I was sober for most of it haha. (Alcohol was cheap though.)
If this happens again, I'm definitely camping. Also definitely gonna try to bring someone with me. If not, well hopefully everyone I met will reunite at the next ^_^
----
I have EDC next week. And I'm already wondering how it will compare to Untz. I've been to EDC twice, and it's been a great experience. But I haven't experienced anything like what I had at the Untz. The EDC crowdedness is gonna get to me for sure. The restrooms won't be the same; they'll be port-a-potties >.< But I'm not gonna let this shit get in the way of my enjoyment. As much as I didn't want to go to EDC this year, I really am looking forward to reuniting with a lot of friends this time around. The past two years, EDC was just for the music; I barely met up with people. This year, music is still important, but I've got so many friends to reconnect with!
So many more festivals I want to go to. I might be adding a couple more to this year >.> All the moneys will be gone... Must pace and save somehow... But Shambhala though... Ahhh. If not this year, maybe next year, the 20th anniversary haha. Hmm...
The Untz Festival. Top-notch everything. People, venue, production, music, atmosphere, everything.
Initially, I was planning to go completely solo. No idea with lodging or transportation. But in April, I decided to post on the Facebook event page to see anyone would adopt me into their group for the weekend. This wonderful stranger named Summer from SB replied to say she was going solo as well and offered to share her tent with me. And so the start of adventure was in the making.
I picked up Summer from the Greyhound stop at the Caltrain station early in the morning on Friday. We spent some time in downtown getting her coffee and getting food supplies from Safeway. Also, I was trying so damn hard to find a restroom to use. Nothing open before 9. Flames came through and let me use the restroom without having to buy anything haha. Thank goodness. Anyway...
Mariposa County Fairgrounds. Such a beautiful place. It only took about 2.5 hours to get there from San Jose. We set up camp in one of the pavilions and greeted some neighbors. Dusty, but not too bad. I think this was also the first time I've brought so much stuff with me. Not used to it. Used to hotels providing enough that I only bring one or two bags. Oh, but the heat. So hot. I was dying during the day (99 degrees! Low-80s at 9AM. Survived off of watermelon slushy drinks and caffeinated beverages). But luckily, the day stages, Half Dome and El Capitan, had canopies or mesh cover thingies (I really don't know what they're called). The night stages, Matterhorn and Glacier Point, were indoors and farther away from the main camping areas. All beautiful and unique setups. Initially, I thought the stages and screens were really small. But when the visuals came on, I was so blown away.
Hippie/gypsy vibes were new to me, but they grew on me and I loved it. People were so weird but so friendly; I mean, people have been nice at the other events I've attended, but the friendliness and atmosphere here were something else. Summer and I met several folks, whom we continued to run into throughout the weekend. Nate first (SF) and his friend Claire. Summer's new rave bae Zach and his friends Eric and Derek, all from 2 hours north of Seattle. All sorts of weirdness ensued. I loved it all. And I'm so grateful that everyone I met didn't mind that I was a follower haha. Too nervous to explore on my own. Maybe next year.
I came in only knowing of a handful of the artists (mostly of the melodic bass genre). I left, knowing there are so much more I want to listen to. Every set I heard was fantastic. All the funk and psychedelic music, I've listened to but never preferred. I still don't think I prefer them, but I have a newfound appreciation for the music. And I would definitely check out more events that feature these types of music. My top sets of the weekend (I'm not even sure I know how to rank them): Said The Sky (great first set to start the weekend), Illenium, Phutureprimitive, Bass Physics, Sugarbeats, Sixis, and Mystral. I listened to Desert Dwellers' set yesterday at work because Summer and I missed their set to nap. (Second time she's missed their set; so I say third time will be the charm.)
Summer and I kept joking that Destiny was on our side all weekend. I don't really believe in fate or destiny. But everything just seemed to fall together so well throughout the weekend. So this weekend became the Weekend of Destiny. Haha because she found rave bae, I got to sleep in our tent by myself both nights XD No complaints. A little lonely, but it was all good. Plenty of self-care and introspection time for myself.
I came into this festival not knowing or expecting anything. Well, okay, I kinda expected to be overwhelmed and not have that great of a time because this was a new festival and I didn't know how my introverted nature would affect my experience. I was very much introverted this weekend, but it didn't prevent me from fully enjoying myself. The friends I made were fucking wonderful, and no one made me feel like a loser for not "fully immersing" myself in the camaraderie. I got to do what I wanted to do without feeling like anyone would judge me for not doing it their way; and I often feel like people would judge me at other events I've gone to. But not at Untz. I was sitting for much of the weekend and not dancing much. But I was totally enjoying every second.
I hope the Untz Festival comes back because I will definitely go again. There is a chance it might not; the turnout was really low. So low that there really weren't any lines for anything, not the vendors, not the restrooms, not the showers. So low that, even at the most packed sets, there was so much room to dance directly in front of the stage. So low there was enough space for all of the flow artists to do their thing in the crowd. People gave space where it was needed. Last time I saw that was at Dreamstate SF, a trance event. I'm so used to people shoving me out of the way otherwise. At Untz, everyone was really nice and courteous :) All such beautiful people, even if I didn't talk to many of them haha.
Oh, just remembered, Summer and I got little chips of abalone shells and Pokemon cards from someone named Mikey. I got Clefable, and Summer got Cofagrigus (never heard of this one before haha). Not big on Pokemon, but it was still very exciting haha.
So much happened this past weekend, but I'm blanking on specifics. I was hoping that writing this entry would jog my memory, but it's not haha. Overall though, this was just an eye-opening and mind-blowing experience. One I didn't think I would ever experience. I mean, I thought EDC was great the first time, but Untz was something else entirely. And to think, I was sober for most of it haha. (Alcohol was cheap though.)
If this happens again, I'm definitely camping. Also definitely gonna try to bring someone with me. If not, well hopefully everyone I met will reunite at the next ^_^
----
I have EDC next week. And I'm already wondering how it will compare to Untz. I've been to EDC twice, and it's been a great experience. But I haven't experienced anything like what I had at the Untz. The EDC crowdedness is gonna get to me for sure. The restrooms won't be the same; they'll be port-a-potties >.< But I'm not gonna let this shit get in the way of my enjoyment. As much as I didn't want to go to EDC this year, I really am looking forward to reuniting with a lot of friends this time around. The past two years, EDC was just for the music; I barely met up with people. This year, music is still important, but I've got so many friends to reconnect with!
So many more festivals I want to go to. I might be adding a couple more to this year >.> All the moneys will be gone... Must pace and save somehow... But Shambhala though... Ahhh. If not this year, maybe next year, the 20th anniversary haha. Hmm...
Monday, November 17, 2014
How will 2014 end? Good or bad?
I've been thinking about what I want. How to achieve what I want. When to do it. Just lost in thought about things. I still don't really know what I want. I have ideas of what I want, but nothing is certain in my head.
I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)
So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.
My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.
I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.
I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.
I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.
It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.
I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.
I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.
I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...
All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.
Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.
Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.
It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.
I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.
Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.
2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).
I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)
So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.
My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.
I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.
I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.
I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.
It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.
I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.
I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.
I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...
All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.
Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.
Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.
It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.
I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.
Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.
2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
I finally set foot outside of California.
This past weekend was the first time I took a vacation after entering the workforce :P And it was amazing.
First time leaving California. First time on a road trip with multiple friends (Matt C, Tuan T, Ray C, and Kevin R). First time in Las Vegas. First time at EDC. First Ferris wheel ride. First time listening to a live set by myself. A bunch of firsts.
Some unfortunate things happened. Long drive to LV Thursday night to Friday morning made us all very tired for the start of EDC. Missed a few DJs I really wanted to see. Missed several meet-ups with friends because of terrible cell phone reception and lack of Internet/Wi-Fi. But overall, a good weekend. Tried the buffets at Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. Had In-N-Out a couple of times. Got stuck in traffic going from the hotel to the Speedway, but interacted with fellow attendees along the way. Drained all my energy from being around 400k+ people--too many people, but great energy. But too many. I think my body went into shock from the amount of people that were there haha. Pretty sure I fell asleep the first night in the stands at 3 in the morning.
Full DJ sets that I experienced: Cedric Gervais, Hardwell, Armin van Buuren, Gareth Emery, Kaskade, Tiesto, Andrew Rayel, Mat Zo (by myself), Above & Beyond, Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Tommy Trash (missed the ending), Dash Berlin (last time).
Partial DJ sets: Madeon, Orjan Nilsen, Astrix, Paul Oakenfold.
Missed DJ sets: 3LAU, Dyro & Dannic, Cazzette, Sander van Doorn, Bingo Players, R3hab, Alesso, Paul van Dyk.
I will experience their all live sets eventually.
I wish I could have recorded everything that happened, but it was just a very tiring weekend. I got very little sleep or food. Just tried my best to enjoy everything in the moment it happened.
After EDC, I slept from 4PM Monday to 8:30AM Tuesday. I woke up and felt amazing haha. The drive back to SJ was much better than the drive from there. I was awake for most of it. Plenty of energy until I reached home.
Anyway, after this experience, I was perfectly fine not coming back to Vegas or attending EDC again. It could remain a one-time experience, and I would be fine with that. But my friends want to go again. So I'll probably go again next year too :P Maybe I'll get to see all the DJs I missed this time. We'll also be better prepared. Less exhaustion hopefully.
Can't wait!
First time leaving California. First time on a road trip with multiple friends (Matt C, Tuan T, Ray C, and Kevin R). First time in Las Vegas. First time at EDC. First Ferris wheel ride. First time listening to a live set by myself. A bunch of firsts.
Some unfortunate things happened. Long drive to LV Thursday night to Friday morning made us all very tired for the start of EDC. Missed a few DJs I really wanted to see. Missed several meet-ups with friends because of terrible cell phone reception and lack of Internet/Wi-Fi. But overall, a good weekend. Tried the buffets at Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. Had In-N-Out a couple of times. Got stuck in traffic going from the hotel to the Speedway, but interacted with fellow attendees along the way. Drained all my energy from being around 400k+ people--too many people, but great energy. But too many. I think my body went into shock from the amount of people that were there haha. Pretty sure I fell asleep the first night in the stands at 3 in the morning.
Full DJ sets that I experienced: Cedric Gervais, Hardwell, Armin van Buuren, Gareth Emery, Kaskade, Tiesto, Andrew Rayel, Mat Zo (by myself), Above & Beyond, Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Tommy Trash (missed the ending), Dash Berlin (last time).
Partial DJ sets: Madeon, Orjan Nilsen, Astrix, Paul Oakenfold.
Missed DJ sets: 3LAU, Dyro & Dannic, Cazzette, Sander van Doorn, Bingo Players, R3hab, Alesso, Paul van Dyk.
I will experience their all live sets eventually.
I wish I could have recorded everything that happened, but it was just a very tiring weekend. I got very little sleep or food. Just tried my best to enjoy everything in the moment it happened.
After EDC, I slept from 4PM Monday to 8:30AM Tuesday. I woke up and felt amazing haha. The drive back to SJ was much better than the drive from there. I was awake for most of it. Plenty of energy until I reached home.
Anyway, after this experience, I was perfectly fine not coming back to Vegas or attending EDC again. It could remain a one-time experience, and I would be fine with that. But my friends want to go again. So I'll probably go again next year too :P Maybe I'll get to see all the DJs I missed this time. We'll also be better prepared. Less exhaustion hopefully.
Can't wait!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
A step in learning to be happy despite others' unhappiness?
Sometimes, I just wish I could make people happy. Not cause them to be happy. But just will them to be happy. Or at least not so sad or angry.
Before you say anything, I already know and accept that I can't control others. I can only do so much for others. Their happiness really depends on them. I just try my best to share and encourage some happy and positive vibes with them. I get that. It doesn't mean I never get to a point where I just want things to be easy. Or simple. I just want to turn off their pain. If I could, I would take on their burdens if it guaranteed that they would never feel so hurt or hopeless again. But I know that's impossible. I can't control how they feel.
Sometimes, people hurt others intentionally. Sometimes, people try to help, but they end up causing hurt instead. What ensues sometimes is retaliation or revenge. One person gets hurt; that person gets back at the person who hurt them, in some way that is equal to or greater than what was done to them. Most of the time, we hurt others because we are hurt. We don't necessarily want to hurt people just to hurt them. But we don't want to be the only ones hurting. Maybe we want to punish. Some part of us feels like we deserve to cause them just as much pain. We want them to be as unhappy as they have made us. But if we have any ounce of empathy in us, causing unhappiness doesn't create happiness. If anything, it just causes more unhappiness within us. But in the heat of the moment, or the two years that we hold onto that grudge, we feel like it's our right to make things equally painful.
But that doesn't solve or fix anything. We're just trying to add hurt and pain to the situation. We might not see or acknowledge it, but we're adding that hurt and pain to ourselves as well because we don't take the time to heal ourselves. Too busy focusing on the belief that we were hurt and someone else deserves the hurt we were given. Pain doesn't need to be added or transferred; we can just let it dissipate, can't we? We can dissolve it through better means, can't we?
We're hurt, but we won't heal ourselves. How do we heal ourselves? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure antagonizing others, hurting others, and retaliating don't have any healing properties. Nor does dwelling in our unhappiness and pain. We shouldn't let it fester, as easy as it is to just let or make the pain stay.
Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being happy if I'm going to eventually become unhappy anyway. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being unhappy if I'm going to eventually become happy anyway. I figure life just likes to take me on an endless roller coaster ride. And I'll keep on riding past the point when I learn that the drops are just a part of the course. Not meant to hurt or kill me. Just meant to keep me awake and aware, maybe a little scared. And prepared for the next drop. And looking forward to the ascents, the scenic over-the-park views, the twists, the loops, and the sudden jerks. I'm trying to see this as a fun ride. At first, I usually don't. But gradually, when I get used to it, it does feel worthwhile despite the terrifying drops. Life, I mean. Roller coasters, too.
We can't control what life throws at us. But to a certain extent, we can control our reactions and make our choices. I'm trying to remember that. I'm also trying to remember that others don't think like I do. Nor do they have to, despite how much I want them to. For me personally, I'm trying to see that life isn't against me. People aren't against me, even if certain actions may indicate otherwise. Life is just a gigantic mess of chain events that lead to the current moment. I'll deal with the moment and try to be happy that I can be a small, influential dot in the gigantic mess. (That actually does kinda make me happy.)
I don't know what it is today. Nothing happened. It was just another day. I didn't really talk to anyone, only family. I'm almost done reading Ender's Game. Maybe that's affected my emotions.
Today, I just wanted people to be happy. Truly and completely happy. It's too much to ask of people who don't really know how to create their own happiness. We have such a limited understanding of our own personal happiness.
I don't even know sometimes. But I do know. Really simple things make me happy. Family, friends, just their silent presence in my vicinity or in my mind. My solitude, my imagination. All of these just seem so simple, even when they aren't.
Solving sudoku and crossword puzzles make me happy too. Jigsaw puzzles are pretty awesome. Yeah.
Before you say anything, I already know and accept that I can't control others. I can only do so much for others. Their happiness really depends on them. I just try my best to share and encourage some happy and positive vibes with them. I get that. It doesn't mean I never get to a point where I just want things to be easy. Or simple. I just want to turn off their pain. If I could, I would take on their burdens if it guaranteed that they would never feel so hurt or hopeless again. But I know that's impossible. I can't control how they feel.
Sometimes, people hurt others intentionally. Sometimes, people try to help, but they end up causing hurt instead. What ensues sometimes is retaliation or revenge. One person gets hurt; that person gets back at the person who hurt them, in some way that is equal to or greater than what was done to them. Most of the time, we hurt others because we are hurt. We don't necessarily want to hurt people just to hurt them. But we don't want to be the only ones hurting. Maybe we want to punish. Some part of us feels like we deserve to cause them just as much pain. We want them to be as unhappy as they have made us. But if we have any ounce of empathy in us, causing unhappiness doesn't create happiness. If anything, it just causes more unhappiness within us. But in the heat of the moment, or the two years that we hold onto that grudge, we feel like it's our right to make things equally painful.
But that doesn't solve or fix anything. We're just trying to add hurt and pain to the situation. We might not see or acknowledge it, but we're adding that hurt and pain to ourselves as well because we don't take the time to heal ourselves. Too busy focusing on the belief that we were hurt and someone else deserves the hurt we were given. Pain doesn't need to be added or transferred; we can just let it dissipate, can't we? We can dissolve it through better means, can't we?
We're hurt, but we won't heal ourselves. How do we heal ourselves? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure antagonizing others, hurting others, and retaliating don't have any healing properties. Nor does dwelling in our unhappiness and pain. We shouldn't let it fester, as easy as it is to just let or make the pain stay.
Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being happy if I'm going to eventually become unhappy anyway. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being unhappy if I'm going to eventually become happy anyway. I figure life just likes to take me on an endless roller coaster ride. And I'll keep on riding past the point when I learn that the drops are just a part of the course. Not meant to hurt or kill me. Just meant to keep me awake and aware, maybe a little scared. And prepared for the next drop. And looking forward to the ascents, the scenic over-the-park views, the twists, the loops, and the sudden jerks. I'm trying to see this as a fun ride. At first, I usually don't. But gradually, when I get used to it, it does feel worthwhile despite the terrifying drops. Life, I mean. Roller coasters, too.
We can't control what life throws at us. But to a certain extent, we can control our reactions and make our choices. I'm trying to remember that. I'm also trying to remember that others don't think like I do. Nor do they have to, despite how much I want them to. For me personally, I'm trying to see that life isn't against me. People aren't against me, even if certain actions may indicate otherwise. Life is just a gigantic mess of chain events that lead to the current moment. I'll deal with the moment and try to be happy that I can be a small, influential dot in the gigantic mess. (That actually does kinda make me happy.)
I don't know what it is today. Nothing happened. It was just another day. I didn't really talk to anyone, only family. I'm almost done reading Ender's Game. Maybe that's affected my emotions.
Today, I just wanted people to be happy. Truly and completely happy. It's too much to ask of people who don't really know how to create their own happiness. We have such a limited understanding of our own personal happiness.
I don't even know sometimes. But I do know. Really simple things make me happy. Family, friends, just their silent presence in my vicinity or in my mind. My solitude, my imagination. All of these just seem so simple, even when they aren't.
Solving sudoku and crossword puzzles make me happy too. Jigsaw puzzles are pretty awesome. Yeah.
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