Well, I accidentally deleted my original draft for this post. That sucks.
----
2019 started off well enough. I went to a couple of events and hung out with friends. I went to Gameboi in February. To be honest though, I don't really remember the beginning of this year all that well. My focus this year was on my anxiety, my fears, my health, and my relationships.
2019 shoved me to the ground and kicked me to the point that I didn't know if I was going to survive. My mind has been in dark places before, but this year found me in some of the darkest and craziest. I felt like I was losing my mind and myself. I didn't know if I would ever find my way back to normalcy. Everything felt like an endless maze that kept shifting every time I thought I was on the right track.
I used to want to escape from real life. The party life used to help me do that. Now, I don't want to escape anymore. I want to be present and to face life, but my mind keeps trying to go off into some other place I don't want to be. It happens when I expect it to; it happens when I don't expect it to. It has been a struggle. I've cried, I've hid, I've prayed, and I've frozen in fear. I've hated myself for the choices I made that led me to this point of my life.
Now, I don't hate myself. I still cry. I still pray. I try my best not to freeze when I'm scared. I'm practicing having compassion for myself. Not always successful, but I'm not so hard on myself for continuing to struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not as afraid of being alone. I still struggle to fall asleep, but it's getting a little easier to fall asleep every night. I have some safety measures in place in case I start to panic, but I haven't had a strong need to use any of them in a while. It's just nice to know they're there.
I'm grateful for my friends and coworkers who've become good friends. They've given me their time, warmth, and lessons. I'm blessed to know I have their support in my darkest moments. Who knows if and how I would have survived this year without these thoughtful and caring people (and therapy)?
Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues and obsessions I've had in my life. I've grown so accustomed to them that I didn't even realize they were problems. Or if I did realize, I kinda just let myself forget about them until they built up into an uncontrollable mess that got exacerbated by my partying ways.
Talking things out with my therapist and my friends has helped a lot. Steady pressure relief. It's nice. My sense of hope has returned. I'm trying to hold on to it and do things to help it grow. I'm trying to get myself to go out a little more again. For a while, I couldn't watch movies because of my overactive imagination. I've gone to see Last Christmas, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Funny thing is the movie about Mr. Rogers probably freaked me out the most because of its realistic nature and a dream sequence it has; too reminiscent of some experiences for me.
Anyway, 2019 has led me down a foreign yet familiar path. I've had to deal with emotions and things I can't really explain, but I'm fortunate to have friends, who don't fully understand what's going on, stand beside me while I figure myself out and make changes to improve my situation. I'm relearning lessons and learning new lessons; hopefully, this time, I really keep these lessons with me and don't make the same mistakes in the future; and if I do, I hope I'm developing the strength to keep pushing myself to do better and not to feel sorry for myself.
I'm planning for a future that was always blurry to me. It still is blurry, but I'm hoping it gets clearer.
----
I'm going into 2020 with some hope and plenty of friends. Hoping I'll turn hindsight into foresight. Hope into action haha.
I don't have any set plans yet. But I want to make 2020 a good year. I don't want to fuck things up again. I don't want to scare the people who care about me. I want to make better decisions. I want to take smarter risks and to take better care of myself.
----
I wanted to go into more detail about this year, but accidentally deleting the draft just made me realize I don't need to focus on all of the details. I just want to focus on the journey and the progress of how I'm feeling.
Today, I feel better. And I know I can feel even better in the future. I just gotta keep putting in the effort.
----
Thank you, friends, for holding my hand, holding me, and loving me when I couldn't do anything for myself. Thank you for all the goodness and strength you've shared with me. Thank you for reflecting all my goodness and strength that I couldn't see on my own.
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Saturday, September 23, 2017
2017 has been an eventful year so far.
We’re about three-quarters of the way through 2017. There are three months left of the year to enjoy. I feel like I was just on my first flight to Portland a few weeks ago, but that was back in February.
It has been an exciting year, a little different from what I've doing in previous years.
I gave myself a ticket budget for EDM events and have been sticking to it. By the end of this year, I will have only attended eleven events:
Crush SF
Phutureprimitive
Andrew Rayel
Anjunabeats
Martin Garrix (free)
Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
Untz Festival
EDC LV
Prince Fox
Seven Lions
Illenium
I planned actual travel adventures, and I got to check off several first-time bucket list items:
-Visited Portland (to visit Vivi; first time on a plane by myself; second flight ever)
-Drove on the PCH (first solo road trip)
-Visited Santa Barbara (to see Summer)
-Paid off my car loan (despite not getting credit for it)
-Played paintball (my bruises are still there)
-Visited Seattle and Vancouver, Canada (with Matt)
-Left the US for the first time ever in my life
-Visited San Diego/La Jolla
-Flew over the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii
I'm proud of myself for trying some new activities and kinda getting out of my comfort zone.
My ticket budget has been easy to stick to. Though, I should have accounted for the events at the end of the year, like Escape and Countdown. I'm a little disappointed that I won't be attending Escape this year. It's one of my favorite events, and the lineup this year makes me happy. I need a little more Darren Styles in my life. But it's okay. I'm sticking to my budget out of principle haha. What's the point of having a budget if I don't follow it? Because of my budget and finishing my car payments, I've been able to save more than twice as much as I have in the three years before. It's an achievement I'm very proud of.
Traveling has been an overall interesting experience. Mostly rewarding. And eye-opening in unexpected ways. I've come to the conclusion that I am not much of a traveler or adventurer. I am a homebody at heart. But I will continue to travel to push myself out of my comfort zone every so often, to visit friends, and to create memories with my friends. I need to start planning and budgeting for 2018.
----
I don't have many set plans for the rest of 2017. Four more shows in October and November (Oh Wonder, Tegan and Sara, Seven Lions, and Illenium). No travels. Maybe my fourth tattoo, maybe not. I'm just thinking about the cost of a half sleeve or even just a mid-size tattoo with color. Hmm... It would be wiser to save the money.
Maybe I'll try to knock out some other bucket list items instead. I should look at my list and see what I can fit in.
----
As for 2018, I have ideas of what I would like to do for the year.
I have just over a year until I will cut my hair. October 17, 2018. I look forward to this day. I feel like this next year is gonna feel slow because I want to cut my hair. Depending on how I feel about my hair at the time, after I cut off the hair I'm donating, I may either keep a short cut (pixie?) or shave everything again haha. So many choices. I can't wait to free my head of the weight haha.
In terms of EDM events, I haven't decided if I will follow another strict budget. I make a little more money now than I did when I created this year's budget. I also don't have car payments anymore. I'm not really saving my money for anything other than to save. But I don't know which direction my job is really going in. I don't know if I'll continue to make as much as I do now. I feel like I should prepare for the worst, even though I may be worrying myself over nothing.
Anyway, what seems to be certain is EDC LV in May. Fifth year with slightly cooler temperatures? Why not? I can't seem to say no haha. And it seems the rave fam wants to go. The less certain festivals are Untz, Electric Forest, and Escape.
Untz Festival is at the beginning of June again, but the festival and parking passes altogether will be at least $30 more than the previous two years. It will also be two weeks after EDC. I don't recover as quickly as I used to; so I don't know if this would be a good idea haha.
Electric Forest at the end of June or beginning of July is also appealing. I've skipped it every time for EDC because of timing and cost. This year, since EDC is a month earlier, there would be little conflict in timing and budget for EF. But I wouldn't have a rave fam to go with.
Also, 10 year high school reunion will be June 30. Gotta think about that too. I can't wait to see my old classmates haha. I can't believe it's already been nine years since I've seen most of them.
Potential travel plans for 2018 include Lake Tahoe, Portland, Colorado, Chicago (Lollapalooza?), East Coast (New York and DC), and London. I want to apply for Global Entry if I do decide to visit London. I want to make my travels as simple and easy as possible. I also kinda feel like 2018 will be my last travel year if I do follow through with these plans. After next year, maybe I'll just travel once or twice a year if at all. Traveling is exhausting; my goals for traveling is just to exist in a new place. Goals have been achieved. It feels good. But I think I'm a bit of a boring travel partner because everyone else enjoys exploring. I just wanna know what it feels like to be a lazy local haha. People-watching in foreign places is awesome.
If I go back to Hawaii, I'm gonna check out Kauai instead of Honolulu and Waikiki. I've been told it's one of the best places for introverts. And I think I would enjoy it very much.
When spring starts next year, I'll finally go whale-watching, skydiving, and riding in a hot air balloon. I say this, but who knows if I'll follow through? I just need to make legit plans and set things into motion.
----
My family is doing all right. Health is holding out. Relations are a little strained. Emotions and moods could be better. But that's nothing new. There had been talks of change in terms of actions and living situations, but everything is still pretty much as it was a year ago. I guess we're maintaining course.
Hmm, I should plan next year with my family and future in mind. Retirement and pre-school costs. So many things to think about.
----
I live a very fortunate life. I live in the US, I am relatively healthy, I have a job that pays me enough to live a comfortable life, and I have the ability to make decisions that contribute to a more fortunate future. I am grateful for the cards I have been dealt.
Sometimes, I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling undeserving. But I can only move forward and contribute as much good as I can into the world, even if it feels inconsequential. I must try.
It has been an exciting year, a little different from what I've doing in previous years.
I gave myself a ticket budget for EDM events and have been sticking to it. By the end of this year, I will have only attended eleven events:
Crush SF
Phutureprimitive
Andrew Rayel
Anjunabeats
Martin Garrix (free)
Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
Untz Festival
EDC LV
Prince Fox
Seven Lions
Illenium
I planned actual travel adventures, and I got to check off several first-time bucket list items:
-Visited Portland (to visit Vivi; first time on a plane by myself; second flight ever)
-Drove on the PCH (first solo road trip)
-Visited Santa Barbara (to see Summer)
-Paid off my car loan (despite not getting credit for it)
-Played paintball (my bruises are still there)
-Visited Seattle and Vancouver, Canada (with Matt)
-Left the US for the first time ever in my life
-Visited San Diego/La Jolla
-Flew over the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii
I'm proud of myself for trying some new activities and kinda getting out of my comfort zone.
My ticket budget has been easy to stick to. Though, I should have accounted for the events at the end of the year, like Escape and Countdown. I'm a little disappointed that I won't be attending Escape this year. It's one of my favorite events, and the lineup this year makes me happy. I need a little more Darren Styles in my life. But it's okay. I'm sticking to my budget out of principle haha. What's the point of having a budget if I don't follow it? Because of my budget and finishing my car payments, I've been able to save more than twice as much as I have in the three years before. It's an achievement I'm very proud of.
Traveling has been an overall interesting experience. Mostly rewarding. And eye-opening in unexpected ways. I've come to the conclusion that I am not much of a traveler or adventurer. I am a homebody at heart. But I will continue to travel to push myself out of my comfort zone every so often, to visit friends, and to create memories with my friends. I need to start planning and budgeting for 2018.
----
I don't have many set plans for the rest of 2017. Four more shows in October and November (Oh Wonder, Tegan and Sara, Seven Lions, and Illenium). No travels. Maybe my fourth tattoo, maybe not. I'm just thinking about the cost of a half sleeve or even just a mid-size tattoo with color. Hmm... It would be wiser to save the money.
Maybe I'll try to knock out some other bucket list items instead. I should look at my list and see what I can fit in.
----
As for 2018, I have ideas of what I would like to do for the year.
I have just over a year until I will cut my hair. October 17, 2018. I look forward to this day. I feel like this next year is gonna feel slow because I want to cut my hair. Depending on how I feel about my hair at the time, after I cut off the hair I'm donating, I may either keep a short cut (pixie?) or shave everything again haha. So many choices. I can't wait to free my head of the weight haha.
In terms of EDM events, I haven't decided if I will follow another strict budget. I make a little more money now than I did when I created this year's budget. I also don't have car payments anymore. I'm not really saving my money for anything other than to save. But I don't know which direction my job is really going in. I don't know if I'll continue to make as much as I do now. I feel like I should prepare for the worst, even though I may be worrying myself over nothing.
Anyway, what seems to be certain is EDC LV in May. Fifth year with slightly cooler temperatures? Why not? I can't seem to say no haha. And it seems the rave fam wants to go. The less certain festivals are Untz, Electric Forest, and Escape.
Untz Festival is at the beginning of June again, but the festival and parking passes altogether will be at least $30 more than the previous two years. It will also be two weeks after EDC. I don't recover as quickly as I used to; so I don't know if this would be a good idea haha.
Electric Forest at the end of June or beginning of July is also appealing. I've skipped it every time for EDC because of timing and cost. This year, since EDC is a month earlier, there would be little conflict in timing and budget for EF. But I wouldn't have a rave fam to go with.
Also, 10 year high school reunion will be June 30. Gotta think about that too. I can't wait to see my old classmates haha. I can't believe it's already been nine years since I've seen most of them.
Potential travel plans for 2018 include Lake Tahoe, Portland, Colorado, Chicago (Lollapalooza?), East Coast (New York and DC), and London. I want to apply for Global Entry if I do decide to visit London. I want to make my travels as simple and easy as possible. I also kinda feel like 2018 will be my last travel year if I do follow through with these plans. After next year, maybe I'll just travel once or twice a year if at all. Traveling is exhausting; my goals for traveling is just to exist in a new place. Goals have been achieved. It feels good. But I think I'm a bit of a boring travel partner because everyone else enjoys exploring. I just wanna know what it feels like to be a lazy local haha. People-watching in foreign places is awesome.
If I go back to Hawaii, I'm gonna check out Kauai instead of Honolulu and Waikiki. I've been told it's one of the best places for introverts. And I think I would enjoy it very much.
When spring starts next year, I'll finally go whale-watching, skydiving, and riding in a hot air balloon. I say this, but who knows if I'll follow through? I just need to make legit plans and set things into motion.
----
My family is doing all right. Health is holding out. Relations are a little strained. Emotions and moods could be better. But that's nothing new. There had been talks of change in terms of actions and living situations, but everything is still pretty much as it was a year ago. I guess we're maintaining course.
Hmm, I should plan next year with my family and future in mind. Retirement and pre-school costs. So many things to think about.
----
I live a very fortunate life. I live in the US, I am relatively healthy, I have a job that pays me enough to live a comfortable life, and I have the ability to make decisions that contribute to a more fortunate future. I am grateful for the cards I have been dealt.
Sometimes, I'm torn between feeling grateful and feeling undeserving. But I can only move forward and contribute as much good as I can into the world, even if it feels inconsequential. I must try.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
My Lack of Creativity and Passion
I've never really felt like a creative or original person. Even when I was a little kid, making art or telling stories. I just looked for patterns or formulas that worked and repeated them. I created what I thought I was supposed to create. For the grade; for the good impression; for learning. (I learn well through repetition.)
My life is routine, but I made it that way. I don't give myself ways or seek any avenues to express myself or inspire my creativity.
I've always felt like I lacked a lot of things. Creativity, passion, dedication, motivation, confidence, courage. I've had plenty of great people in my life who did their best to fuel the fire and inspire me. I have always been amazed by their enthusiasm and passion. I thought I had felt inspiration many times; looking back, I don't know if I ever really did.
Teachers and friends were always encouraging me to explore and try new things. So I've tried new things here and there. I've enjoyed most of the activities I tried. I was actually pretty decent at some of them. I was a quick learner when I focused. Many times, I have thought, "If I keep this up, I could be a pro." I enjoyed feeling accomplished. But I never developed a passion for anything.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to find my passion. But I really never felt strongly about anything I did.
The most extreme feelings I've had were for my relationships with people. But I don't think I can really compare that to the passion people feel for their hobbies or work...
When people are passionate about something, they put their time and effort into it. I can do that too but only for a little while. My passion, or inspiration, or motivation, isn't self-sustainable. I don't know how to convince myself that what I currently enjoy is what I want to put my time and energy into for the long run.
----
This could explain why I'm so attracted to people who are driven and passionate about something, whether it's a sport or a cause. They have what I lack. They feel something I wish I could feel.
When I think of passion, I think of a fire that's continually fed (inspired). When I thought I had a passion for something, it was really just campfire that I didn't know how to make or maintain.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm too lazy. Maybe I just haven't come across my real inspiration yet. Maybe I'm too comfortable being uninspired.
----
My life is routine because I made it this way. My excitement comes from occasionally straying from the routine or even just changing it up completely. But my life centers around routine.
Where is the creativity and the passion that everyone else seems to have?
Or maybe I just feel stuck in my life right now, and it's making me rewrite my memories and forget what creativity and passion feel like. Haha maybe.
My life is routine, but I made it that way. I don't give myself ways or seek any avenues to express myself or inspire my creativity.
I've always felt like I lacked a lot of things. Creativity, passion, dedication, motivation, confidence, courage. I've had plenty of great people in my life who did their best to fuel the fire and inspire me. I have always been amazed by their enthusiasm and passion. I thought I had felt inspiration many times; looking back, I don't know if I ever really did.
Teachers and friends were always encouraging me to explore and try new things. So I've tried new things here and there. I've enjoyed most of the activities I tried. I was actually pretty decent at some of them. I was a quick learner when I focused. Many times, I have thought, "If I keep this up, I could be a pro." I enjoyed feeling accomplished. But I never developed a passion for anything.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to find my passion. But I really never felt strongly about anything I did.
The most extreme feelings I've had were for my relationships with people. But I don't think I can really compare that to the passion people feel for their hobbies or work...
When people are passionate about something, they put their time and effort into it. I can do that too but only for a little while. My passion, or inspiration, or motivation, isn't self-sustainable. I don't know how to convince myself that what I currently enjoy is what I want to put my time and energy into for the long run.
----
This could explain why I'm so attracted to people who are driven and passionate about something, whether it's a sport or a cause. They have what I lack. They feel something I wish I could feel.
When I think of passion, I think of a fire that's continually fed (inspired). When I thought I had a passion for something, it was really just campfire that I didn't know how to make or maintain.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm too lazy. Maybe I just haven't come across my real inspiration yet. Maybe I'm too comfortable being uninspired.
----
My life is routine because I made it this way. My excitement comes from occasionally straying from the routine or even just changing it up completely. But my life centers around routine.
Where is the creativity and the passion that everyone else seems to have?
Or maybe I just feel stuck in my life right now, and it's making me rewrite my memories and forget what creativity and passion feel like. Haha maybe.
Friday, March 15, 2013
I officially have a job.
Finally!
I got an interview with Aerotek, a staffing agency. Initially, they were going to offer me a recycling center job that pays $10 an hour and has 60-hour work weeks, so lots of overtime. I think I could have done that, but that would have been extremely tiring. I'm not a night person. Working from 1 to 1 doesn't sound too fun. If I had decided to do that job, I probably would have worked from 1am to 1pm instead of 1pm to 1am. Either way, doesn't sound that great. Though, the overtime pay would have been nice.
So they offered me another job: medical device assembly. Starts on Monday. Supposedly, $8.25 an hour, or minimum wage. 32-hour weeks guaranteed. That's what the guy told me. Except I think minimum wage in Fremont is just $8.00 an hour. Oh well, I wrote $8.25 on the forms because that's what he told me.
I know that's not much money, but I just want some work experience. The money can happen later. And it's not like I'm going to spend much. The plan still is to move in with Shiva and Killol for a month or two to save money. Maybe by the time I rent my own room, I'll have a higher paying job.
I just needed a jumpstart on my official work history.
Early this morning, I actually had scheduled an interview with Domino's Pizza for a delivery driver position downtown. I was getting ready to go to that interview, but Mother got mad at me for applying for it at all. "You could get robbed! Grown men don't even want to do delivery jobs because they know they could be robbed." So I canceled the interview to calm her down, except she wouldn't calm down.
Then I received an email about a Craigslist ad I responded to. A documenting project in north San Jose for the state prison system. I replied to the email but haven't received any response since. It would pay $10 an hour. Full-time guaranteed. Job would last at least nine months. It's actually somewhat related to my degree.
Since I hadn't received any reply to that email and got a call from Aerotek, I went to the Aerotek interview. Nice people.
Anyway, I guess I'll stick with this assembly job for now. See how it works out. And if the documenting job pans out, I could just quit the assembly job and start working on the documenting job. Though, I guess I would feel bad for quitting so soon. But I hope they would understand that I had to jump at any job offers I could get. Today, Aerotek's offer was the best I could get. If the documenting job works out, then that will probably be the best offer.
So now that I officially have a job, that means I have to start filing paperwork to move out of Mother's place. Sadly, I don't get a week to do all of it. I have this weekend and the afternoons after work.
But I can't wait to finally move out. Mother is trying to convince me that I need to come home every day to eat, except that's a waste of my gas money, which I won't have very much of.
Oh man, I hope everything works out. Once I move out, I'm hoping things will get a little simpler. And I hope I'll finally find the motivation and time to do the things I want to do, like exercise. Need to start running or something. It's ridiculous how unenergetic I have become.
Since I probably won't be making that much for a while, I will probably stay in even more than I usually do. Just want to save as much as I can. Then find a really cheap room to rent. Like $300 a month. I could go without immediate access to Internet and TV.
I just want to be able to simplify my life. Simple living. Is that too much to ask for? Mother seems to think so. She thinks I'm gonna crash and burn once I leave her home. I'm so sad that she has so little faith in me. I'm so sad she still thinks I'll be just like Brother. How unfair. I'm not him. I'm not like him. I don't want her to continue to treat me like a child. I wanna live my life on my own.
Baby steps. I will get to where I want to be. I will become the person I want to be. Just need to slowly pry Mother's very strong fingers off of me.
I'm so excited. While my job might not be the most exciting news ever to someone else like Mother, I'm so happy to start working. To get started on my life away from family. I'm finally going to be productive. I just want to be happy. I want a simple and satisfying life. I feel like this job is a step in that direction, whether I have my family's full support in it or not.
I currently don't have very high aspirations--I never really did. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm not complaining. Other people might say I'm settling or I'm not trying hard enough. That's how they see it, which is fine. I don't see it like that. I don't know exactly where I want my life to go, so I can't really head in a specific direction. I'm all right with just going where life takes me. See what's offered and what opportunities I'm willing to take. I might not take the best opportunities every time, but I'm totally fine with that. As long as life treats me well and I'm happy, it's all good. Simple and satisfying, that's all I'm asking for. If I'm not struggling to survive, I'm not going to complain.
I'll be happy for the friends who make it far and reach their higher goals, and I'll be happy for the friends who just make it. And I'll also be happy for and proud of myself no matter how far I get, as long as I know we're all living well, honestly, and happily.
I got an interview with Aerotek, a staffing agency. Initially, they were going to offer me a recycling center job that pays $10 an hour and has 60-hour work weeks, so lots of overtime. I think I could have done that, but that would have been extremely tiring. I'm not a night person. Working from 1 to 1 doesn't sound too fun. If I had decided to do that job, I probably would have worked from 1am to 1pm instead of 1pm to 1am. Either way, doesn't sound that great. Though, the overtime pay would have been nice.
So they offered me another job: medical device assembly. Starts on Monday. Supposedly, $8.25 an hour, or minimum wage. 32-hour weeks guaranteed. That's what the guy told me. Except I think minimum wage in Fremont is just $8.00 an hour. Oh well, I wrote $8.25 on the forms because that's what he told me.
I know that's not much money, but I just want some work experience. The money can happen later. And it's not like I'm going to spend much. The plan still is to move in with Shiva and Killol for a month or two to save money. Maybe by the time I rent my own room, I'll have a higher paying job.
I just needed a jumpstart on my official work history.
Early this morning, I actually had scheduled an interview with Domino's Pizza for a delivery driver position downtown. I was getting ready to go to that interview, but Mother got mad at me for applying for it at all. "You could get robbed! Grown men don't even want to do delivery jobs because they know they could be robbed." So I canceled the interview to calm her down, except she wouldn't calm down.
Then I received an email about a Craigslist ad I responded to. A documenting project in north San Jose for the state prison system. I replied to the email but haven't received any response since. It would pay $10 an hour. Full-time guaranteed. Job would last at least nine months. It's actually somewhat related to my degree.
Since I hadn't received any reply to that email and got a call from Aerotek, I went to the Aerotek interview. Nice people.
Anyway, I guess I'll stick with this assembly job for now. See how it works out. And if the documenting job pans out, I could just quit the assembly job and start working on the documenting job. Though, I guess I would feel bad for quitting so soon. But I hope they would understand that I had to jump at any job offers I could get. Today, Aerotek's offer was the best I could get. If the documenting job works out, then that will probably be the best offer.
So now that I officially have a job, that means I have to start filing paperwork to move out of Mother's place. Sadly, I don't get a week to do all of it. I have this weekend and the afternoons after work.
But I can't wait to finally move out. Mother is trying to convince me that I need to come home every day to eat, except that's a waste of my gas money, which I won't have very much of.
Oh man, I hope everything works out. Once I move out, I'm hoping things will get a little simpler. And I hope I'll finally find the motivation and time to do the things I want to do, like exercise. Need to start running or something. It's ridiculous how unenergetic I have become.
Since I probably won't be making that much for a while, I will probably stay in even more than I usually do. Just want to save as much as I can. Then find a really cheap room to rent. Like $300 a month. I could go without immediate access to Internet and TV.
I just want to be able to simplify my life. Simple living. Is that too much to ask for? Mother seems to think so. She thinks I'm gonna crash and burn once I leave her home. I'm so sad that she has so little faith in me. I'm so sad she still thinks I'll be just like Brother. How unfair. I'm not him. I'm not like him. I don't want her to continue to treat me like a child. I wanna live my life on my own.
Baby steps. I will get to where I want to be. I will become the person I want to be. Just need to slowly pry Mother's very strong fingers off of me.
I'm so excited. While my job might not be the most exciting news ever to someone else like Mother, I'm so happy to start working. To get started on my life away from family. I'm finally going to be productive. I just want to be happy. I want a simple and satisfying life. I feel like this job is a step in that direction, whether I have my family's full support in it or not.
I currently don't have very high aspirations--I never really did. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm not complaining. Other people might say I'm settling or I'm not trying hard enough. That's how they see it, which is fine. I don't see it like that. I don't know exactly where I want my life to go, so I can't really head in a specific direction. I'm all right with just going where life takes me. See what's offered and what opportunities I'm willing to take. I might not take the best opportunities every time, but I'm totally fine with that. As long as life treats me well and I'm happy, it's all good. Simple and satisfying, that's all I'm asking for. If I'm not struggling to survive, I'm not going to complain.
I'll be happy for the friends who make it far and reach their higher goals, and I'll be happy for the friends who just make it. And I'll also be happy for and proud of myself no matter how far I get, as long as I know we're all living well, honestly, and happily.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I need a job.
So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.
I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.
Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.
Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.
She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.
I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.
Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.
So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.
Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.
Anyway, I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.
I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.
Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.
And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.
Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.
Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.
So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.
I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.
I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.
Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!
I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.
Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.
Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.
She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.
I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.
Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.
So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.
Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.
Anyway, I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.
I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.
Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.
And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.
Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.
Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.
So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.
I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.
I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.
Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Forget everything that we have done
Erase me
From your memory
Don't call
Don't ask about me until the day hell freezes over
New Found Glory is awesome.
I noticed that I haven't posted anything in about a week. Well, not much has happened. Still feeling the same as usual -__-
But I talked to my Poli Sci prof about the midterm. I'm making it up next Tuesday on campus. No disruptions hopefully. No crappy conditions either. I can't fail.
I have 5 weeks of classes left. And also finals. Three finals and a final paper. Fun stuff. At least I'll be done with school in the middle of May. I can go visit ST after finals. By that time, AP exams should be over, and I won't interfere with their finals.
I hope this summer will be memorable. Last summer was supposed to be memorable, but it wasn't really too interesting. A few fun things, but I didn't go out much. Not surprising. But this year, I want to get out more. Staying home so much makes me feel hella crappy. I'll remember to ride my bike. Or jog. Do something. Outside. I need to get outside.
I hope people invite me to hella stuff too haha. Though, I know some people are coming back to SJ for a little bit and then going back to school for summer session or work :( But the rest of the friends should be around. I want to make new friends to chill with. I haven't really made any new friends. At least not any to hang out with. Only people I really talk to now are a few classmates who went to ST with me: Albert B, Lisa H, Melissa A, Michelle R, and Austin C. But I only talk to them during class and maybe a while after our classes end.
I miss talking to my close friends. We were close in high school. Now, I see them once in a while. Even those that live so close. We're not so close at all. Or so it seems. I don't even know what's going on with people anymore. I'm getting news about people months after stuff happen.
I need to make new friends. ^They have made new, good friends. I should too. I need to get out more.
Words, words, words. I don't do anything. I'm just made of words and thoughts. No action. Mm.. I've been wanting to go to the movies, but no one's been responding. I should just wait for people to invite me to things. That's easier. I'm looking for the easy way. I always wait. So passive, non-assertive. Where's my motivation to step up? I can't even motivate myself -_- So lame.
Yeah, I'm being negative. Losing that resolution. I'm trying not to, but it's really hard when I don't do anything. When I try to do stuff, my mom just yells at me. I don't know why I bother with anything. Just school and home. Should keep it at that. Makes her happy. Less contention. Yeah.
Conflicted.
From your memory
Don't call
Don't ask about me until the day hell freezes over
New Found Glory is awesome.
I noticed that I haven't posted anything in about a week. Well, not much has happened. Still feeling the same as usual -__-
But I talked to my Poli Sci prof about the midterm. I'm making it up next Tuesday on campus. No disruptions hopefully. No crappy conditions either. I can't fail.
I have 5 weeks of classes left. And also finals. Three finals and a final paper. Fun stuff. At least I'll be done with school in the middle of May. I can go visit ST after finals. By that time, AP exams should be over, and I won't interfere with their finals.
I hope this summer will be memorable. Last summer was supposed to be memorable, but it wasn't really too interesting. A few fun things, but I didn't go out much. Not surprising. But this year, I want to get out more. Staying home so much makes me feel hella crappy. I'll remember to ride my bike. Or jog. Do something. Outside. I need to get outside.
I hope people invite me to hella stuff too haha. Though, I know some people are coming back to SJ for a little bit and then going back to school for summer session or work :( But the rest of the friends should be around. I want to make new friends to chill with. I haven't really made any new friends. At least not any to hang out with. Only people I really talk to now are a few classmates who went to ST with me: Albert B, Lisa H, Melissa A, Michelle R, and Austin C. But I only talk to them during class and maybe a while after our classes end.
I miss talking to my close friends. We were close in high school. Now, I see them once in a while. Even those that live so close. We're not so close at all. Or so it seems. I don't even know what's going on with people anymore. I'm getting news about people months after stuff happen.
I need to make new friends. ^They have made new, good friends. I should too. I need to get out more.
Words, words, words. I don't do anything. I'm just made of words and thoughts. No action. Mm.. I've been wanting to go to the movies, but no one's been responding. I should just wait for people to invite me to things. That's easier. I'm looking for the easy way. I always wait. So passive, non-assertive. Where's my motivation to step up? I can't even motivate myself -_- So lame.
Yeah, I'm being negative. Losing that resolution. I'm trying not to, but it's really hard when I don't do anything. When I try to do stuff, my mom just yells at me. I don't know why I bother with anything. Just school and home. Should keep it at that. Makes her happy. Less contention. Yeah.
Conflicted.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I need to stop wearing my hat.
Hat hair. Ew. Haha no, not ew, just bleh. I'd be ok with it if my hair was still really short. Like an inch or two. But my hair length is at least 3 inches now, so the hat hair is quite unflattering at the end of the day. I think my hair grows pretty fast. Maan... -_- And I have the kinda hair that's difficult to keep in place unless pressure is applied for a while.
Still need to try a new different hairstyle soon. Maybe next haircut, I'll try the fauxhawk. Though, if my mom freaks out, maybe I'll just try spiky hair :P The "guy" hairstyles haha. Chyeah, that's what they are. Right. Mm hmm. Does it matter? It's hair. And I know I usually don't care what my hair looks like, as long as it's not all poofed up haha. But I just want a change. A lil bit in the mirror, you know. Then I'll probably get too lazy to use hair product, and my hair will go back to its usual "stasis" :P I know it's not the right usage of the word, but I don't care.
Anyway, in my EDCO 4 class yesterday, there was a discussion about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Fun stuff. Split into groups to present each level. My group had "Self-Actualization." Difficult to define. My group was kinda silly. There were stick figures and a tree on our poster. Mm hmm. My only contribution to the poster was "Finding the meaning of life," which wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but the way I had originally said it was wordy.
So before we actually got anything on the poster, our prof came over and asked us, "Why are you in college? What's your motivation?" Some questions to get us to think about our ongoing motivations.
Hah, the irony is I don't feel motivated. I'm not sure why I'm still in school. Or I don't want to address my reasons.
However, I sat there and contemplated the questions. I really wasn't sure. I wrote what I was thinking on my crossword page, but I accidentally threw the paper out today -_- I kinda remember what I was thinking. Typical "motivations": family, friends, and opportunity. Also, I wouldn't be doing anything if I wasn't in college. Attending college is just something to do. But I want it to be more than that. So I guess I do want to find a purpose or something like that.
I don't want to fail. I don't want to give up. It feels like if I don't go to college, I will fail and disappoint. I don't want that. I can't do that. It's a guilty thing I do, but what else can I do? Besides, going to college is supposed to help me find a direction. It's one of the ways to go. I won't take the initiative to do otherwise.
There was so much I wanted to say, but I don't feel up to it anymore.
Ugh, I've got quite a bit of homework to do this weekend. I need to stop putting things off. I've got my English Essay #2 and a Declaration of Independence paper for Poli Sci, both due Tuesday. So I have to finish both of them by Sunday night. Frickin' Turnitin.com. Need to get things done early. But I guess that's ok. Also have to do EDCO homework, fun stuff.
Battlefest on Saturday. Can't wait to go watch Wrawsome perform. Haha, "Wrawsome is awesome."
I need to hang out with people more. Lisa and Albert chill with me in the MLK Library after EDCO most Mondays and Wednesdays, so that's cool. Tuesdays and Thursdays are still school and home.
Ah, I want to go the VSA meeting next week. I missed this week's meeting because I didn't want to starve myself for an extra 2 hours. Sucks that clubs meet in the late afternoon, and my classes end before noon -_- But I need to show up some time to help with the VSA Culture Show. I wanna help out with that. It seems pretty cool.
Oh, yesterday, I signed up for the emailing list for QTIP (Queers Thoughtfully Interrupting Prejudice). It sounds interesting. Sucks that the meetings are at 5 PM on Tuesdays. Maybe I'll just go home after class and come back later for meetings -_- Or do that once in a while and just attend most of the events. There's a drag show coming up soon O_o Haha. That should be interesting.
I need to commit to something. I want to. I keep saying this but don't do anything. I can't just go to classes and go home. There's no enjoyment in that. I want memories. I want friends. Haha. I'm desperate. No, I'm not. If I was, I'd be joining 6 different clubs or something. But yeah, I want to connect with people. I just want to feel like I haven't shut myself off from the world. Sometimes, I feel like that's what's happened. I won't let it be like that.
Gosh, I've been so tired. Must be the late nights I spend on my delayed homework. I need to stop doing that, but I know it will take a while until I stop procrastinating. The only time I feel like procrastinating isn't bad is when I update this thing, but I don't update often. So hmm.
Man, seriously, there were so many more important things I wanted to mention, but I can't remember anything. And I know it can be irksome when my writing doesn't flow. One of my problems with writing. Free thought, no fluidity. My mind doesn't flow like it used to. Or it does, but my fingers can't keep up haha.
Sometimes, I wish I could just put everything I think down. But my thoughts don't turn into words very well. Never really liked words. I'm more into feelings and images than words, even though I tend to think in words. And journals are filled with words. Updating is the only time when I use a lot of words. Redundant, though, aren't they?
I wouldn't mind becoming a mute. I wouldn't be expected to talk anymore. I'd still make people listen to me though :P I wouldn't mind becoming blind either. I wouldn't have to write essays anymore, would I? I'd be so happy if I didn't have to write those damn things anymore.
Oh, essays! Now, I remember one of the things I wanted to talk about. I don't think I've talked about it before. If I have, then damn do I have a bad memory haha. Well, I'm not gonna go into it too much. I actually want to go to sleep haha.
Anyway, I dislike formality in most of its forms (many different meanings to the word "formal"). Aside from a few cultural formalities, I don't like them. For some reason, there always seems to be an invisible caste-like system going on. Deference is fine, as long as it's warranted. Ignorant deference is just pointless. You gotta at least know why you respect someone.
And in writing, formal writing, ugh. I don't do formal very well. I don't like writing unlike myself, if that makes any sense. I try, but it's just not in my nature. Faked formality. Aye.
Formal wear. Oh, boy. Frickin' dresses and skirts haha. Last time I wore a dress was sometime in the 4th or 5th grade. Skirt, final 8th grade dance. Haven't worn either since those times XP
Hmm, though, I don't mind wearing slacks and a dress shirt :P I'm such a guy, yeah? Haha. Whatever. I go for the comfort, not so much the style or whatever it's called.
Oh, I am so pro at distracting myself from myself :P
Still need to try a new different hairstyle soon. Maybe next haircut, I'll try the fauxhawk. Though, if my mom freaks out, maybe I'll just try spiky hair :P The "guy" hairstyles haha. Chyeah, that's what they are. Right. Mm hmm. Does it matter? It's hair. And I know I usually don't care what my hair looks like, as long as it's not all poofed up haha. But I just want a change. A lil bit in the mirror, you know. Then I'll probably get too lazy to use hair product, and my hair will go back to its usual "stasis" :P I know it's not the right usage of the word, but I don't care.
Anyway, in my EDCO 4 class yesterday, there was a discussion about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Fun stuff. Split into groups to present each level. My group had "Self-Actualization." Difficult to define. My group was kinda silly. There were stick figures and a tree on our poster. Mm hmm. My only contribution to the poster was "Finding the meaning of life," which wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but the way I had originally said it was wordy.
So before we actually got anything on the poster, our prof came over and asked us, "Why are you in college? What's your motivation?" Some questions to get us to think about our ongoing motivations.
Hah, the irony is I don't feel motivated. I'm not sure why I'm still in school. Or I don't want to address my reasons.
However, I sat there and contemplated the questions. I really wasn't sure. I wrote what I was thinking on my crossword page, but I accidentally threw the paper out today -_- I kinda remember what I was thinking. Typical "motivations": family, friends, and opportunity. Also, I wouldn't be doing anything if I wasn't in college. Attending college is just something to do. But I want it to be more than that. So I guess I do want to find a purpose or something like that.
I don't want to fail. I don't want to give up. It feels like if I don't go to college, I will fail and disappoint. I don't want that. I can't do that. It's a guilty thing I do, but what else can I do? Besides, going to college is supposed to help me find a direction. It's one of the ways to go. I won't take the initiative to do otherwise.
There was so much I wanted to say, but I don't feel up to it anymore.
Ugh, I've got quite a bit of homework to do this weekend. I need to stop putting things off. I've got my English Essay #2 and a Declaration of Independence paper for Poli Sci, both due Tuesday. So I have to finish both of them by Sunday night. Frickin' Turnitin.com. Need to get things done early. But I guess that's ok. Also have to do EDCO homework, fun stuff.
Battlefest on Saturday. Can't wait to go watch Wrawsome perform. Haha, "Wrawsome is awesome."
I need to hang out with people more. Lisa and Albert chill with me in the MLK Library after EDCO most Mondays and Wednesdays, so that's cool. Tuesdays and Thursdays are still school and home.
Ah, I want to go the VSA meeting next week. I missed this week's meeting because I didn't want to starve myself for an extra 2 hours. Sucks that clubs meet in the late afternoon, and my classes end before noon -_- But I need to show up some time to help with the VSA Culture Show. I wanna help out with that. It seems pretty cool.
Oh, yesterday, I signed up for the emailing list for QTIP (Queers Thoughtfully Interrupting Prejudice). It sounds interesting. Sucks that the meetings are at 5 PM on Tuesdays. Maybe I'll just go home after class and come back later for meetings -_- Or do that once in a while and just attend most of the events. There's a drag show coming up soon O_o Haha. That should be interesting.
I need to commit to something. I want to. I keep saying this but don't do anything. I can't just go to classes and go home. There's no enjoyment in that. I want memories. I want friends. Haha. I'm desperate. No, I'm not. If I was, I'd be joining 6 different clubs or something. But yeah, I want to connect with people. I just want to feel like I haven't shut myself off from the world. Sometimes, I feel like that's what's happened. I won't let it be like that.
Gosh, I've been so tired. Must be the late nights I spend on my delayed homework. I need to stop doing that, but I know it will take a while until I stop procrastinating. The only time I feel like procrastinating isn't bad is when I update this thing, but I don't update often. So hmm.
Man, seriously, there were so many more important things I wanted to mention, but I can't remember anything. And I know it can be irksome when my writing doesn't flow. One of my problems with writing. Free thought, no fluidity. My mind doesn't flow like it used to. Or it does, but my fingers can't keep up haha.
Sometimes, I wish I could just put everything I think down. But my thoughts don't turn into words very well. Never really liked words. I'm more into feelings and images than words, even though I tend to think in words. And journals are filled with words. Updating is the only time when I use a lot of words. Redundant, though, aren't they?
I wouldn't mind becoming a mute. I wouldn't be expected to talk anymore. I'd still make people listen to me though :P I wouldn't mind becoming blind either. I wouldn't have to write essays anymore, would I? I'd be so happy if I didn't have to write those damn things anymore.
Oh, essays! Now, I remember one of the things I wanted to talk about. I don't think I've talked about it before. If I have, then damn do I have a bad memory haha. Well, I'm not gonna go into it too much. I actually want to go to sleep haha.
Anyway, I dislike formality in most of its forms (many different meanings to the word "formal"). Aside from a few cultural formalities, I don't like them. For some reason, there always seems to be an invisible caste-like system going on. Deference is fine, as long as it's warranted. Ignorant deference is just pointless. You gotta at least know why you respect someone.
And in writing, formal writing, ugh. I don't do formal very well. I don't like writing unlike myself, if that makes any sense. I try, but it's just not in my nature. Faked formality. Aye.
Formal wear. Oh, boy. Frickin' dresses and skirts haha. Last time I wore a dress was sometime in the 4th or 5th grade. Skirt, final 8th grade dance. Haven't worn either since those times XP
Hmm, though, I don't mind wearing slacks and a dress shirt :P I'm such a guy, yeah? Haha. Whatever. I go for the comfort, not so much the style or whatever it's called.
Oh, I am so pro at distracting myself from myself :P
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