Major?

So last night, I forgot to update about something haha. Surprise, surprise.

Yesterday, in English, everyone got their first out-of-class essays back. I didn't. Mine wasn't done in time. Dang, why does that always happen to me?

Anyway, so I came by Prof Williams' office a lil later to pick it up. And since I was the only one whose paper she didn't finish grading, she gave a lil one-on-one about my essay. When I was about to leave, she asked me what I was majoring in, and I said Undeclared. Then she suggested that I major in English. I just smiled and shook my head. I have never considered English to be a possible major for me. I don't really like English haha.

I have a knack for writing? No waayyy. I don't like to write. At least not formally. Academically. Most of the time in school, I have to write about things that I don't care for. The rest of the time, even if it is something I do care about, I have to write better than I'm used to. I honestly don't care to improve my writing. I'm happy with the way it is.

Writing, I want to keep as recreational and free as possible. School and I just don't mix in my pot. School has drained the fun out of a lot of things for me. I don't want my written self-expression to lose its comfort. School made me hate math. Ok, well, I don't hate it, but I don't love it as much as I used to. Sometimes I don't think I even like it much at all anymore.

Anyway, when I walking to the light rail stop, I was thinking, "Me, an English major? No way. No. Never would have believed that. Noo." Then when I was home, I remembered I should be open-minded to the possibilities. Ahh.

Possibilities. But I've never considered English a possibility. I never liked English. I mean, I've been pretty good at everything related to the English language (except vocab) throughout my primary education years. And I even improved a lot on my vocabulary in the 6th grade and all. And my scores on the SAT9's or CAT6's, whatever they're called now, have been pretty high. Proficient or Advanced. I had been consistent with those. But they meant nothing to me.

Hmm, what would I do with an English major anyway? Or a minor? English seems like a social personality's major. I'm not social. As much as I want to be, I know I'm not. I like to keep away from most people. But then I also want to be around people.

Gahh, I'm such a confusing person. Confusion will be the bane of my existence -__-

You know, I just like blogging because I don't need a form, a structure, or anything important like those. Blogging can be all fluff, and it wouldn't matter. And people don't read my blog very often if at all. (I seriously don't know if anyone reads this)

A silent audience. I like that. Whether it be ghosts or real readers. I'm not afraid to put down what's on my mind.

Hah, somehow I managed to go from talking about English major to English writing to blogging. I love my tangents oh so much haha. But yeah, English major. I don't know. I don't know what people see in my writing. I don't see anything, except for the words I put down and the thoughts that were attached to them.

Write as I speak or think. That's the only way I go. Even for my essays. That's why I always worry about how they flow. No transitions. I always put those in later.

I just don't want to fit into a writing mold. I like my disconnected, albeit difficult-to-follow style. It's how I write, how I think. It's just, I write for me. I don't write for another audience, even if there may be one. I think that's the hardest part about writing an English paper for me. I don't want to write for another audience. Why should I care to write for them? I don't want to change people's minds. I might want them to listen to my opinion, but that's it.

Why do things have to get so complicated with explanations and reasoning and all that? Yeah, sure, they're good for arguments. But I don't want to argue. I would much rather listen to people and make my own judgments. Keep 'em to myself. The rest of the world doesn't need to know what I think, what one person thinks.

Oh, such negative thinking. Hah, I should just go back to updating about my daily routines XP

I need to stop wearing my hat.

Hat hair. Ew. Haha no, not ew, just bleh. I'd be ok with it if my hair was still really short. Like an inch or two. But my hair length is at least 3 inches now, so the hat hair is quite unflattering at the end of the day. I think my hair grows pretty fast. Maan... -_- And I have the kinda hair that's difficult to keep in place unless pressure is applied for a while.

Still need to try a new different hairstyle soon. Maybe next haircut, I'll try the fauxhawk. Though, if my mom freaks out, maybe I'll just try spiky hair :P The "guy" hairstyles haha. Chyeah, that's what they are. Right. Mm hmm. Does it matter? It's hair. And I know I usually don't care what my hair looks like, as long as it's not all poofed up haha. But I just want a change. A lil bit in the mirror, you know. Then I'll probably get too lazy to use hair product, and my hair will go back to its usual "stasis" :P I know it's not the right usage of the word, but I don't care.


Anyway, in my EDCO 4 class yesterday, there was a discussion about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Fun stuff. Split into groups to present each level. My group had "Self-Actualization." Difficult to define. My group was kinda silly. There were stick figures and a tree on our poster. Mm hmm. My only contribution to the poster was "Finding the meaning of life," which wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but the way I had originally said it was wordy.

So before we actually got anything on the poster, our prof came over and asked us, "Why are you in college? What's your motivation?" Some questions to get us to think about our ongoing motivations.

Hah, the irony is I don't feel motivated. I'm not sure why I'm still in school. Or I don't want to address my reasons.

However, I sat there and contemplated the questions. I really wasn't sure. I wrote what I was thinking on my crossword page, but I accidentally threw the paper out today -_- I kinda remember what I was thinking. Typical "motivations": family, friends, and opportunity. Also, I wouldn't be doing anything if I wasn't in college. Attending college is just something to do. But I want it to be more than that. So I guess I do want to find a purpose or something like that.

I don't want to fail. I don't want to give up. It feels like if I don't go to college, I will fail and disappoint. I don't want that. I can't do that. It's a guilty thing I do, but what else can I do? Besides, going to college is supposed to help me find a direction. It's one of the ways to go. I won't take the initiative to do otherwise.


There was so much I wanted to say, but I don't feel up to it anymore.

Ugh, I've got quite a bit of homework to do this weekend. I need to stop putting things off. I've got my English Essay #2 and a Declaration of Independence paper for Poli Sci, both due Tuesday. So I have to finish both of them by Sunday night. Frickin' Turnitin.com. Need to get things done early. But I guess that's ok. Also have to do EDCO homework, fun stuff.


Battlefest on Saturday. Can't wait to go watch Wrawsome perform. Haha, "Wrawsome is awesome."


I need to hang out with people more. Lisa and Albert chill with me in the MLK Library after EDCO most Mondays and Wednesdays, so that's cool. Tuesdays and Thursdays are still school and home.

Ah, I want to go the VSA meeting next week. I missed this week's meeting because I didn't want to starve myself for an extra 2 hours. Sucks that clubs meet in the late afternoon, and my classes end before noon -_- But I need to show up some time to help with the VSA Culture Show. I wanna help out with that. It seems pretty cool.

Oh, yesterday, I signed up for the emailing list for QTIP (Queers Thoughtfully Interrupting Prejudice). It sounds interesting. Sucks that the meetings are at 5 PM on Tuesdays. Maybe I'll just go home after class and come back later for meetings -_- Or do that once in a while and just attend most of the events. There's a drag show coming up soon O_o Haha. That should be interesting.

I need to commit to something. I want to. I keep saying this but don't do anything. I can't just go to classes and go home. There's no enjoyment in that. I want memories. I want friends. Haha. I'm desperate. No, I'm not. If I was, I'd be joining 6 different clubs or something. But yeah, I want to connect with people. I just want to feel like I haven't shut myself off from the world. Sometimes, I feel like that's what's happened. I won't let it be like that.


Gosh, I've been so tired. Must be the late nights I spend on my delayed homework. I need to stop doing that, but I know it will take a while until I stop procrastinating. The only time I feel like procrastinating isn't bad is when I update this thing, but I don't update often. So hmm.


Man, seriously, there were so many more important things I wanted to mention, but I can't remember anything. And I know it can be irksome when my writing doesn't flow. One of my problems with writing. Free thought, no fluidity. My mind doesn't flow like it used to. Or it does, but my fingers can't keep up haha.


Sometimes, I wish I could just put everything I think down. But my thoughts don't turn into words very well. Never really liked words. I'm more into feelings and images than words, even though I tend to think in words. And journals are filled with words. Updating is the only time when I use a lot of words. Redundant, though, aren't they?

I wouldn't mind becoming a mute. I wouldn't be expected to talk anymore. I'd still make people listen to me though :P I wouldn't mind becoming blind either. I wouldn't have to write essays anymore, would I? I'd be so happy if I didn't have to write those damn things anymore.


Oh, essays! Now, I remember one of the things I wanted to talk about. I don't think I've talked about it before. If I have, then damn do I have a bad memory haha. Well, I'm not gonna go into it too much. I actually want to go to sleep haha.

Anyway, I dislike formality in most of its forms (many different meanings to the word "formal"). Aside from a few cultural formalities, I don't like them. For some reason, there always seems to be an invisible caste-like system going on. Deference is fine, as long as it's warranted. Ignorant deference is just pointless. You gotta at least know why you respect someone.

And in writing, formal writing, ugh. I don't do formal very well. I don't like writing unlike myself, if that makes any sense. I try, but it's just not in my nature. Faked formality. Aye.

Formal wear. Oh, boy. Frickin' dresses and skirts haha. Last time I wore a dress was sometime in the 4th or 5th grade. Skirt, final 8th grade dance. Haven't worn either since those times XP

Hmm, though, I don't mind wearing slacks and a dress shirt :P I'm such a guy, yeah? Haha. Whatever. I go for the comfort, not so much the style or whatever it's called.


Oh, I am so pro at distracting myself from myself :P