WST: Take One

So I took the Writing Skills Test today. Got to campus at 1030. There was already a long line to get into Dudley Moorhead Hall.

Anyway, we did the essay first (some topic about wishes). Forty-five minutes. I think I did ok. Though, as I was finishing my second example, a Disney movie called "Wish Upon a Star," I thought of an even better (or easier) example, another Disney movie called "Model Behavior." Too bad I didn't have enough time to add it in. Oh well. I hope my essay is decent enough XP

The second part of testing was also forty-five minutes. The multiple choice. Seventy-two questions. People were right when they told me that it's just too many questions in too little time. You basically read passages and answer questions. After answering the second question, I realized I had made a mistake. I went back to erase my answer. As I was erasing, my eraser fell off of my mechanical pencil, and the pieces of lead inside fell out. I wasted a minute getting all my lead back :( But hey, I managed to finish marking my last answer just as the timer went off. Literally. Not even exaggerating. I was excited when that happened haha. It was like, "Oh my god! I almost didn't finish!"

I hate leaving blank answers, just so you know. But I don't like just marking random answers either. So I try really hard to speed up my pace when I start running out of time. Luckily, I thought the last couple of questions were some of the easiest ones. Whew. Haha.

I can't believe this took so long. Two forty-five-minute parts. But I was on campus for three hours -__- So hot too. No AC because DMH is so old.

Anyway, I hope there will not be a "WST: Take Two" entry. Don't want to take the test again. If I'm lucky, I might even be able to waive my 100W class. Once I choose a major, of course.

I wish I could say "no more testing," but my midterms start this upcoming week. Great. Fun. Yeah.

Now, I wish my weekend would reward me. Pleeeaaase.

I used to be a poet...

I used to be creative. I lost my creativity. It's disheartening. I lose a lot of things. I wish I hadn't lost my poetic and creative side. I used to write a lot. Always a rhyme in my head. No one ever saw it. Except my schoolteachers. But I kinda limited myself when writing for school. The only evidence I have of my former creativity are a few poems I wrote for Mrs Harter's English class in 7th grade. And a few from Mrs Thomas' class in 9th grade. None of my other English teachers ever focused on creative writing as much those two did. It makes me sad. Everything's so analytical now. It breaks my heart.

I don't even analyze well. I take too long to see things sometimes. Why can't I just see what I see? Why do I always have to look for more? I'll look for more when I feel like it. I always have to stretch to see what others see. I feel so short -_-haha...

Anyway, I had thought that I had posted my old poems on LJ, but I didn't. So I'll put them all here. Mind you, these are the works of a 7th grader. Mistakes (in spelling and word choice) are rampant, and meanings are clear and fuzzy. I feel so lame reading through them now. They're not that goodXP But eh -shrug- And some of the poems are modeled after those of famous poets because that was the goal of the exercise or whatever. And for some reasons I don't remember, all my 7th-grade poems are completely capitalized.


RAIN IS
RAIN
IS
DROP LET
S SW EET
POS IT
IVE PURPLES
SOO THI
NG BLU
EBE RRI
ES.


ALL AR OUND,
LI
FE THR IVES TO
SU R
VIVE TR
OUB LES


THE GRASSES ARE
THE
GRAS SES ARE
F AMI LIES GOR
GEO US LIVI NG YELL
OWS DESI
RO US LI
MES.

ABO VE, INSE
CTS SPR E ADIN
G PO
LL
EN



MY BODY IS FULL OF PAIN.
I FEEL LIKE WEEPING
'CAUSE MOM SAYS BIG BRO IS DISDAIN
MY LIFE'S A MISERY.
IT FEELS LIKE TREACHERY.

I WANT TO EXPRESS
WHAT I FEEL IS BEST.
MY HEART CAN TAKE NO MORE.
IT'S MAKING ME SO SORE.

I BELIEVE I WANT TO BLESS,
BUT I GUESS I AM TO STRESS.
FOR MY FAMILY'S SAKE, I PRAY
THAT WE WILL SURVIVE ANOTHER DAY.

CAN I TRUST NOBODY?
WHY IS MY LIFE SO UNFAIR?
I AM LOOKED UPON WITH A GLARE.

I FEEL I NEED TO DISAPPEAR
BEFORE I CAN SHED A TEAR.
I WANT MY FAMILY TO LOVE,
TO HUG EACH OTHER,
TO PUT EACH OTHER ABOVE.

MY MOM PUTS ME AND MY BRO IN FRIGHT
SO WHY DO WE SLEEP AT HOME AT NIGHT?
I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME,
BUT MY MOM WILL BE ALL ALONE.

TONY, MY BIG BRO,
WILL EASILY LET GO.
HE HAS BEEN A FOOL
SO MY MOM DOES NOT TRUST HIM
HE IS NO LONGER A HANDY TOOL,
BUT WHY IS TONY SO GRIM?

I WISH I COULD GIVE A CHEER,
BUT EVERYTHIN'S SO UNCLEAR.
EVERY LOVE BONE
HAS GONE TO THE UNKNOWN.

HOW SICK AM I?
HOW DO PEOPLE GO THROUGH WHAT I DO?
PEOPLE CHOOSE WHAT THEY WANT TO,
BUT WHY DO I CHOOSE TO LIE?

LOVE SHOULD BE BETTER LOST
THAN IT IS TO COST.

I WANT MY FAMILY TO SURVIVE
SO GIVE MY FAMILY ANOTHER TRY.



MOM'S CHANGE OF HEART
HAS TAKEN HER PART.
WILL SHE EVER LOVE US AGAIN?
THERE IS NO TRUTH IN WHAT I HEAR.
THEN WHY DO I REGARD IN FEAR?

IS IT WHAT'S INSIDE
THAT'S HOLDING MY PRIDE?
I WANT MOM TO HOLD ME
AND TELL EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.
I SEE HER SIGHT,
BUT I CAN'T TELL MYSELF SHE'S THERE.

RUNNING TO HER IN GLEE,
IS WHAT I WANT TO SEE.
LIFE'S NOT FAIR, IS IT?
I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE TO DIE,
SO PLEASE GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
I NEED SOMEONE ELSE'S TO VISIT.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO WOULD HOLD ME IN HER ARMS.
PLEASE GRANT ME THIS WANT
AND IN RETURN,
I'LL LEARN.
I KNOW I AM GAUNT.
AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I WANT.


WHY
(MAKING UP A SONG, PREFERABLY A RAP)
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LIVE?
WITH ALL WE HAVE TO GIVE,
IS THIS ALL WE GET BACK?
THE SUN CAN ONLY SHINE.
THE SUN CAN ATTACK.
THERE IS NO USE TO WHINE,
SO WHY CAN'T WE BE FINE?
TREASON IS ON THE OPPONENT'S SIDE
AND IT'S ON OURS TOO.
THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE,
SO WHY DON'T I HAVE PRIDE?
I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE,
BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE
MY SUPERIOR MODESTY.
ABE LINCOLN WASN'T AFRAID.
HE CAME TO OUR NATION'S AID,
SO HE MUST BE A GOOD MAN.
LINCOLN PROBABLY ALWAYS HAD CONFIDENCE.
PLUS, A PLAN,
TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST SO-CALLED POLITICS.
WHY CAN'T ABRAHAM BE HERE TO HELP US?
IS EVERYTHING AGAINST US?
OUR NATION'S DYIN',
INSTEAD OF FLYIN'.
THIS IS SERIOUS!
WHY CAN'T I BE DELIRIOUS
TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY,
OR TO DIE ANOTHER DAY?
I'M INTOXICATED!
I CAN'T BREATHE
I CAN'T LEAVE!
I'M BEING DICTATED!


THE SONG OF FEAR
CREEPING IN THE DARK,
EVIL HAS LEFT ME WITH A MARK.
GOING DOWN THE STAIRS,
I WISH I HAD PROTECTION.
I'M SEEIN' GLARES.
SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOW ME AFFECTION!
THE SONG OF FEAR,
IT'S COMING NEAR,
AND IT'S ALL I CAN HEAR!
SOMEBODY, PLEASE HOLD ME!
THE SOULS ARE ANGRY!
NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL,
FEAR LIVES IN US ALL.
THERE'S NO HIDING.
FEAR IS NEVER GONE.
IT'S ALWAYS HERE, BEFORE AND AFTER DAWN.
THE SONG OF FEAR IS EVERYWHERE.
IT'S OVER HERE.
IT'S OVER THERE!
LONG LIVES THE SONG OF FEAR.



THE SONG OF HOME
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MINE IS.
THE SONG OF HOME IS CLEAR,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE BLURRY.
LOVE IS ALWAYS NEAR
WHEN THE SONG IS HERE.
HOME CAN BE WHERE WE SCURRY.
LOVE CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND AT HOME.
IT'S A PLACE WE CAN ALWAYS ROAM.
WHEN LOVE IS GONE,
SO IS HOME.
THE SONG OF HOME
LIVES ON THE LOVE THAT BLOOMS,
FOR YOU AND ME,
(MY ONLY FAMILY).
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MINE IS.



THE SONG OF HOPE
THE SONG OF HOPE
CAN BE HEARD BY ANYONE,
EVEN THE POPE.
HOPE COMES FROM DREAMS.
HOPE IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT IT SEEMS.
LOVE CAN CREATE THE SONG OF HOPE.
HOPE CAN BE LIKE A LONG ROPE.
IT MAY LOOK ENDLESS,
IT CAN BE LIMITED.
HOPE COULD BE ON A LIST,
BUT FOR ALL WE KNOW,
WE MAY NOT KNOW.
WE MAY NEVER FIND THE END,
BUT AFTER OUR END,
WE WILL FIND OUT.
JUST DON'T BE STOUT.

("Stout" is definitely not the right word, but I remember i had trouble trying to end the poem haha. Maybe "pout" would have been better :P)


Time for 9th-grade poems:

My Double Life?

In a sense I always have comfort here
My family is always near
The atmosphere usually brings cheer
I could make my mother proud
That I am her flesh and blood
Everyday I see my mother
I hear her
The tap, tap, tap, tap of her slippers
Precedes her as if it were an alarm
Though I love her so
Sometimes she kills my happy glow
The enormous pressure that builds inside me
From her many expectations
Is the force that pushes me around

In a sense I always find comfort here
The joys of friendships are haven from my family
I am an opposite of myself in these times
Instead of a diligent teenager
I am a laidback fun-loving teenager
Thoughts of being able to do anything with my "posse"
Grants me freedom from the monotonous work of home
It feels better than being a daughter, all alone
The whoosh that I hear
When I race around with my buddies
Is almost like music to my ears
The voices that stay inside my head
Are like the cushions on my bed
Because I am contented
When I hear those friendly voices


My Inside
The feelings I hold inside
I cannot truly understand.
Sometimes, their meanings feel so empty
And I feel empty too.
I feel hurt, but there's no pain
I feel happy, but there's no joy
I feel depressed, but there is no despair.

The feelings I hold inside
Can never be understood.
Anyone who tries
Will surely end up in failure.
It seems to me that my happiness
Has reached it's demise.
But when it returns,
Only true meanings of happiness
Can keep my spirits alive.

The feelings I hold inside
Are just there for entertainmetn and misery.
The people who try to help
Just end up hurting me.
They never know what to say to me anymore.
I fear no one will ever understand me anymore.

The feelings I hold inside
Are the words, which I will never speak.
For anyone who hears
Will never comprehend.
Sometimes I do not believe
That I understand them as well.

My feelings I hold inside
I cannot truly understand.
The bliss of ignorance
Is within my hand.
To ignore the truth is to accept the lies.
To care or not to care,
Do I really know?
The choices that I make
Seem to become my regrets.
And every chance I take
Is any man's best bet.


Rather Do Poem
Oh, let me lie, rather than face the haters and their injustice,
In a deep pit filled with the most vile creatures alive,
Or eat every piece of bitter food I find, or let me stand
In the hot, fiery flames of a crematory; crush every bone in my body slowly,
Or drop me into bottomless waters,
Having me sink into the depths forever,
With no one to save me from my gradual, watery death;
Or chop off my tongue and feed it to me raw,
Or better yet, chop off all my connections to socialization,
Leaving me cold and alone to feel nothing;
Or pierce my skin with wide needles a billion times;
With that, let me perform Suspension for hours,
And torture me with knives,
Causing me to spasm with pain,
Forcing the hooks in even deeper--
Things that, to hear them told, have made me tremble--
And I will do it without fear or doubt,
To live a hate-free life.



I probably made some mistakes in transcribing, but oh well. My poems aren't that good anyway. I know, they're kinda depression XP I was a sad kid. A lot of family issues.


So anyway, I want to pick up with poetry again, but geez I really can't think of anything to write. Just once in a while, something interesting pops into my head.

Like today, I came up with these:

Poetry used to be my thing,
But that was a really long time ago.
Now all I can do is sing
Along with the words of another's flow.



I live for you.
If I could, I would live for me.
I suffer for you.
If I could, I wouldn't suffer for anyone.
I think for you.
If I could, I would think for me.
I'm alive for you.
I'm not living for me.



Yeah... I'm so not happy haha.


Mm, I was thinking that if I'm home alone tomorrow, I might make that YouTube video haha XP I'll ramble. I can do that pretty well. Or I can lip-sync haha. I just want to make a video. I don't talk to people enough, so I can talk to strangers on YouTube. Or not. I don't know. We'll see. If I don't, I'll get my friends together, and we'll make a video haha. As if :P We need to get together soon.

I think I should get back to my homework. Yeaah.


Edit: Grr.. Blogger doesn't like major html use. My poems all looked weird. So I'm gonna leave them in a plain form (left justified), not their original structures :( Not as aesthetically pleasing XP

Major?

So last night, I forgot to update about something haha. Surprise, surprise.

Yesterday, in English, everyone got their first out-of-class essays back. I didn't. Mine wasn't done in time. Dang, why does that always happen to me?

Anyway, so I came by Prof Williams' office a lil later to pick it up. And since I was the only one whose paper she didn't finish grading, she gave a lil one-on-one about my essay. When I was about to leave, she asked me what I was majoring in, and I said Undeclared. Then she suggested that I major in English. I just smiled and shook my head. I have never considered English to be a possible major for me. I don't really like English haha.

I have a knack for writing? No waayyy. I don't like to write. At least not formally. Academically. Most of the time in school, I have to write about things that I don't care for. The rest of the time, even if it is something I do care about, I have to write better than I'm used to. I honestly don't care to improve my writing. I'm happy with the way it is.

Writing, I want to keep as recreational and free as possible. School and I just don't mix in my pot. School has drained the fun out of a lot of things for me. I don't want my written self-expression to lose its comfort. School made me hate math. Ok, well, I don't hate it, but I don't love it as much as I used to. Sometimes I don't think I even like it much at all anymore.

Anyway, when I walking to the light rail stop, I was thinking, "Me, an English major? No way. No. Never would have believed that. Noo." Then when I was home, I remembered I should be open-minded to the possibilities. Ahh.

Possibilities. But I've never considered English a possibility. I never liked English. I mean, I've been pretty good at everything related to the English language (except vocab) throughout my primary education years. And I even improved a lot on my vocabulary in the 6th grade and all. And my scores on the SAT9's or CAT6's, whatever they're called now, have been pretty high. Proficient or Advanced. I had been consistent with those. But they meant nothing to me.

Hmm, what would I do with an English major anyway? Or a minor? English seems like a social personality's major. I'm not social. As much as I want to be, I know I'm not. I like to keep away from most people. But then I also want to be around people.

Gahh, I'm such a confusing person. Confusion will be the bane of my existence -__-

You know, I just like blogging because I don't need a form, a structure, or anything important like those. Blogging can be all fluff, and it wouldn't matter. And people don't read my blog very often if at all. (I seriously don't know if anyone reads this)

A silent audience. I like that. Whether it be ghosts or real readers. I'm not afraid to put down what's on my mind.

Hah, somehow I managed to go from talking about English major to English writing to blogging. I love my tangents oh so much haha. But yeah, English major. I don't know. I don't know what people see in my writing. I don't see anything, except for the words I put down and the thoughts that were attached to them.

Write as I speak or think. That's the only way I go. Even for my essays. That's why I always worry about how they flow. No transitions. I always put those in later.

I just don't want to fit into a writing mold. I like my disconnected, albeit difficult-to-follow style. It's how I write, how I think. It's just, I write for me. I don't write for another audience, even if there may be one. I think that's the hardest part about writing an English paper for me. I don't want to write for another audience. Why should I care to write for them? I don't want to change people's minds. I might want them to listen to my opinion, but that's it.

Why do things have to get so complicated with explanations and reasoning and all that? Yeah, sure, they're good for arguments. But I don't want to argue. I would much rather listen to people and make my own judgments. Keep 'em to myself. The rest of the world doesn't need to know what I think, what one person thinks.

Oh, such negative thinking. Hah, I should just go back to updating about my daily routines XP

I need to stop wearing my hat.

Hat hair. Ew. Haha no, not ew, just bleh. I'd be ok with it if my hair was still really short. Like an inch or two. But my hair length is at least 3 inches now, so the hat hair is quite unflattering at the end of the day. I think my hair grows pretty fast. Maan... -_- And I have the kinda hair that's difficult to keep in place unless pressure is applied for a while.

Still need to try a new different hairstyle soon. Maybe next haircut, I'll try the fauxhawk. Though, if my mom freaks out, maybe I'll just try spiky hair :P The "guy" hairstyles haha. Chyeah, that's what they are. Right. Mm hmm. Does it matter? It's hair. And I know I usually don't care what my hair looks like, as long as it's not all poofed up haha. But I just want a change. A lil bit in the mirror, you know. Then I'll probably get too lazy to use hair product, and my hair will go back to its usual "stasis" :P I know it's not the right usage of the word, but I don't care.


Anyway, in my EDCO 4 class yesterday, there was a discussion about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Fun stuff. Split into groups to present each level. My group had "Self-Actualization." Difficult to define. My group was kinda silly. There were stick figures and a tree on our poster. Mm hmm. My only contribution to the poster was "Finding the meaning of life," which wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but the way I had originally said it was wordy.

So before we actually got anything on the poster, our prof came over and asked us, "Why are you in college? What's your motivation?" Some questions to get us to think about our ongoing motivations.

Hah, the irony is I don't feel motivated. I'm not sure why I'm still in school. Or I don't want to address my reasons.

However, I sat there and contemplated the questions. I really wasn't sure. I wrote what I was thinking on my crossword page, but I accidentally threw the paper out today -_- I kinda remember what I was thinking. Typical "motivations": family, friends, and opportunity. Also, I wouldn't be doing anything if I wasn't in college. Attending college is just something to do. But I want it to be more than that. So I guess I do want to find a purpose or something like that.

I don't want to fail. I don't want to give up. It feels like if I don't go to college, I will fail and disappoint. I don't want that. I can't do that. It's a guilty thing I do, but what else can I do? Besides, going to college is supposed to help me find a direction. It's one of the ways to go. I won't take the initiative to do otherwise.


There was so much I wanted to say, but I don't feel up to it anymore.

Ugh, I've got quite a bit of homework to do this weekend. I need to stop putting things off. I've got my English Essay #2 and a Declaration of Independence paper for Poli Sci, both due Tuesday. So I have to finish both of them by Sunday night. Frickin' Turnitin.com. Need to get things done early. But I guess that's ok. Also have to do EDCO homework, fun stuff.


Battlefest on Saturday. Can't wait to go watch Wrawsome perform. Haha, "Wrawsome is awesome."


I need to hang out with people more. Lisa and Albert chill with me in the MLK Library after EDCO most Mondays and Wednesdays, so that's cool. Tuesdays and Thursdays are still school and home.

Ah, I want to go the VSA meeting next week. I missed this week's meeting because I didn't want to starve myself for an extra 2 hours. Sucks that clubs meet in the late afternoon, and my classes end before noon -_- But I need to show up some time to help with the VSA Culture Show. I wanna help out with that. It seems pretty cool.

Oh, yesterday, I signed up for the emailing list for QTIP (Queers Thoughtfully Interrupting Prejudice). It sounds interesting. Sucks that the meetings are at 5 PM on Tuesdays. Maybe I'll just go home after class and come back later for meetings -_- Or do that once in a while and just attend most of the events. There's a drag show coming up soon O_o Haha. That should be interesting.

I need to commit to something. I want to. I keep saying this but don't do anything. I can't just go to classes and go home. There's no enjoyment in that. I want memories. I want friends. Haha. I'm desperate. No, I'm not. If I was, I'd be joining 6 different clubs or something. But yeah, I want to connect with people. I just want to feel like I haven't shut myself off from the world. Sometimes, I feel like that's what's happened. I won't let it be like that.


Gosh, I've been so tired. Must be the late nights I spend on my delayed homework. I need to stop doing that, but I know it will take a while until I stop procrastinating. The only time I feel like procrastinating isn't bad is when I update this thing, but I don't update often. So hmm.


Man, seriously, there were so many more important things I wanted to mention, but I can't remember anything. And I know it can be irksome when my writing doesn't flow. One of my problems with writing. Free thought, no fluidity. My mind doesn't flow like it used to. Or it does, but my fingers can't keep up haha.


Sometimes, I wish I could just put everything I think down. But my thoughts don't turn into words very well. Never really liked words. I'm more into feelings and images than words, even though I tend to think in words. And journals are filled with words. Updating is the only time when I use a lot of words. Redundant, though, aren't they?

I wouldn't mind becoming a mute. I wouldn't be expected to talk anymore. I'd still make people listen to me though :P I wouldn't mind becoming blind either. I wouldn't have to write essays anymore, would I? I'd be so happy if I didn't have to write those damn things anymore.


Oh, essays! Now, I remember one of the things I wanted to talk about. I don't think I've talked about it before. If I have, then damn do I have a bad memory haha. Well, I'm not gonna go into it too much. I actually want to go to sleep haha.

Anyway, I dislike formality in most of its forms (many different meanings to the word "formal"). Aside from a few cultural formalities, I don't like them. For some reason, there always seems to be an invisible caste-like system going on. Deference is fine, as long as it's warranted. Ignorant deference is just pointless. You gotta at least know why you respect someone.

And in writing, formal writing, ugh. I don't do formal very well. I don't like writing unlike myself, if that makes any sense. I try, but it's just not in my nature. Faked formality. Aye.

Formal wear. Oh, boy. Frickin' dresses and skirts haha. Last time I wore a dress was sometime in the 4th or 5th grade. Skirt, final 8th grade dance. Haven't worn either since those times XP

Hmm, though, I don't mind wearing slacks and a dress shirt :P I'm such a guy, yeah? Haha. Whatever. I go for the comfort, not so much the style or whatever it's called.


Oh, I am so pro at distracting myself from myself :P