I used to be a poet...

I used to be creative. I lost my creativity. It's disheartening. I lose a lot of things. I wish I hadn't lost my poetic and creative side. I used to write a lot. Always a rhyme in my head. No one ever saw it. Except my schoolteachers. But I kinda limited myself when writing for school. The only evidence I have of my former creativity are a few poems I wrote for Mrs Harter's English class in 7th grade. And a few from Mrs Thomas' class in 9th grade. None of my other English teachers ever focused on creative writing as much those two did. It makes me sad. Everything's so analytical now. It breaks my heart.

I don't even analyze well. I take too long to see things sometimes. Why can't I just see what I see? Why do I always have to look for more? I'll look for more when I feel like it. I always have to stretch to see what others see. I feel so short -_-haha...

Anyway, I had thought that I had posted my old poems on LJ, but I didn't. So I'll put them all here. Mind you, these are the works of a 7th grader. Mistakes (in spelling and word choice) are rampant, and meanings are clear and fuzzy. I feel so lame reading through them now. They're not that goodXP But eh -shrug- And some of the poems are modeled after those of famous poets because that was the goal of the exercise or whatever. And for some reasons I don't remember, all my 7th-grade poems are completely capitalized.


RAIN IS
RAIN
IS
DROP LET
S SW EET
POS IT
IVE PURPLES
SOO THI
NG BLU
EBE RRI
ES.


ALL AR OUND,
LI
FE THR IVES TO
SU R
VIVE TR
OUB LES


THE GRASSES ARE
THE
GRAS SES ARE
F AMI LIES GOR
GEO US LIVI NG YELL
OWS DESI
RO US LI
MES.

ABO VE, INSE
CTS SPR E ADIN
G PO
LL
EN



MY BODY IS FULL OF PAIN.
I FEEL LIKE WEEPING
'CAUSE MOM SAYS BIG BRO IS DISDAIN
MY LIFE'S A MISERY.
IT FEELS LIKE TREACHERY.

I WANT TO EXPRESS
WHAT I FEEL IS BEST.
MY HEART CAN TAKE NO MORE.
IT'S MAKING ME SO SORE.

I BELIEVE I WANT TO BLESS,
BUT I GUESS I AM TO STRESS.
FOR MY FAMILY'S SAKE, I PRAY
THAT WE WILL SURVIVE ANOTHER DAY.

CAN I TRUST NOBODY?
WHY IS MY LIFE SO UNFAIR?
I AM LOOKED UPON WITH A GLARE.

I FEEL I NEED TO DISAPPEAR
BEFORE I CAN SHED A TEAR.
I WANT MY FAMILY TO LOVE,
TO HUG EACH OTHER,
TO PUT EACH OTHER ABOVE.

MY MOM PUTS ME AND MY BRO IN FRIGHT
SO WHY DO WE SLEEP AT HOME AT NIGHT?
I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME,
BUT MY MOM WILL BE ALL ALONE.

TONY, MY BIG BRO,
WILL EASILY LET GO.
HE HAS BEEN A FOOL
SO MY MOM DOES NOT TRUST HIM
HE IS NO LONGER A HANDY TOOL,
BUT WHY IS TONY SO GRIM?

I WISH I COULD GIVE A CHEER,
BUT EVERYTHIN'S SO UNCLEAR.
EVERY LOVE BONE
HAS GONE TO THE UNKNOWN.

HOW SICK AM I?
HOW DO PEOPLE GO THROUGH WHAT I DO?
PEOPLE CHOOSE WHAT THEY WANT TO,
BUT WHY DO I CHOOSE TO LIE?

LOVE SHOULD BE BETTER LOST
THAN IT IS TO COST.

I WANT MY FAMILY TO SURVIVE
SO GIVE MY FAMILY ANOTHER TRY.



MOM'S CHANGE OF HEART
HAS TAKEN HER PART.
WILL SHE EVER LOVE US AGAIN?
THERE IS NO TRUTH IN WHAT I HEAR.
THEN WHY DO I REGARD IN FEAR?

IS IT WHAT'S INSIDE
THAT'S HOLDING MY PRIDE?
I WANT MOM TO HOLD ME
AND TELL EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.
I SEE HER SIGHT,
BUT I CAN'T TELL MYSELF SHE'S THERE.

RUNNING TO HER IN GLEE,
IS WHAT I WANT TO SEE.
LIFE'S NOT FAIR, IS IT?
I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE TO DIE,
SO PLEASE GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
I NEED SOMEONE ELSE'S TO VISIT.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO WOULD HOLD ME IN HER ARMS.
PLEASE GRANT ME THIS WANT
AND IN RETURN,
I'LL LEARN.
I KNOW I AM GAUNT.
AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I WANT.


WHY
(MAKING UP A SONG, PREFERABLY A RAP)
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LIVE?
WITH ALL WE HAVE TO GIVE,
IS THIS ALL WE GET BACK?
THE SUN CAN ONLY SHINE.
THE SUN CAN ATTACK.
THERE IS NO USE TO WHINE,
SO WHY CAN'T WE BE FINE?
TREASON IS ON THE OPPONENT'S SIDE
AND IT'S ON OURS TOO.
THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE,
SO WHY DON'T I HAVE PRIDE?
I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE,
BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE
MY SUPERIOR MODESTY.
ABE LINCOLN WASN'T AFRAID.
HE CAME TO OUR NATION'S AID,
SO HE MUST BE A GOOD MAN.
LINCOLN PROBABLY ALWAYS HAD CONFIDENCE.
PLUS, A PLAN,
TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST SO-CALLED POLITICS.
WHY CAN'T ABRAHAM BE HERE TO HELP US?
IS EVERYTHING AGAINST US?
OUR NATION'S DYIN',
INSTEAD OF FLYIN'.
THIS IS SERIOUS!
WHY CAN'T I BE DELIRIOUS
TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY,
OR TO DIE ANOTHER DAY?
I'M INTOXICATED!
I CAN'T BREATHE
I CAN'T LEAVE!
I'M BEING DICTATED!


THE SONG OF FEAR
CREEPING IN THE DARK,
EVIL HAS LEFT ME WITH A MARK.
GOING DOWN THE STAIRS,
I WISH I HAD PROTECTION.
I'M SEEIN' GLARES.
SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOW ME AFFECTION!
THE SONG OF FEAR,
IT'S COMING NEAR,
AND IT'S ALL I CAN HEAR!
SOMEBODY, PLEASE HOLD ME!
THE SOULS ARE ANGRY!
NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL,
FEAR LIVES IN US ALL.
THERE'S NO HIDING.
FEAR IS NEVER GONE.
IT'S ALWAYS HERE, BEFORE AND AFTER DAWN.
THE SONG OF FEAR IS EVERYWHERE.
IT'S OVER HERE.
IT'S OVER THERE!
LONG LIVES THE SONG OF FEAR.



THE SONG OF HOME
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MINE IS.
THE SONG OF HOME IS CLEAR,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE BLURRY.
LOVE IS ALWAYS NEAR
WHEN THE SONG IS HERE.
HOME CAN BE WHERE WE SCURRY.
LOVE CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND AT HOME.
IT'S A PLACE WE CAN ALWAYS ROAM.
WHEN LOVE IS GONE,
SO IS HOME.
THE SONG OF HOME
LIVES ON THE LOVE THAT BLOOMS,
FOR YOU AND ME,
(MY ONLY FAMILY).
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MINE IS.



THE SONG OF HOPE
THE SONG OF HOPE
CAN BE HEARD BY ANYONE,
EVEN THE POPE.
HOPE COMES FROM DREAMS.
HOPE IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT IT SEEMS.
LOVE CAN CREATE THE SONG OF HOPE.
HOPE CAN BE LIKE A LONG ROPE.
IT MAY LOOK ENDLESS,
IT CAN BE LIMITED.
HOPE COULD BE ON A LIST,
BUT FOR ALL WE KNOW,
WE MAY NOT KNOW.
WE MAY NEVER FIND THE END,
BUT AFTER OUR END,
WE WILL FIND OUT.
JUST DON'T BE STOUT.

("Stout" is definitely not the right word, but I remember i had trouble trying to end the poem haha. Maybe "pout" would have been better :P)


Time for 9th-grade poems:

My Double Life?

In a sense I always have comfort here
My family is always near
The atmosphere usually brings cheer
I could make my mother proud
That I am her flesh and blood
Everyday I see my mother
I hear her
The tap, tap, tap, tap of her slippers
Precedes her as if it were an alarm
Though I love her so
Sometimes she kills my happy glow
The enormous pressure that builds inside me
From her many expectations
Is the force that pushes me around

In a sense I always find comfort here
The joys of friendships are haven from my family
I am an opposite of myself in these times
Instead of a diligent teenager
I am a laidback fun-loving teenager
Thoughts of being able to do anything with my "posse"
Grants me freedom from the monotonous work of home
It feels better than being a daughter, all alone
The whoosh that I hear
When I race around with my buddies
Is almost like music to my ears
The voices that stay inside my head
Are like the cushions on my bed
Because I am contented
When I hear those friendly voices


My Inside
The feelings I hold inside
I cannot truly understand.
Sometimes, their meanings feel so empty
And I feel empty too.
I feel hurt, but there's no pain
I feel happy, but there's no joy
I feel depressed, but there is no despair.

The feelings I hold inside
Can never be understood.
Anyone who tries
Will surely end up in failure.
It seems to me that my happiness
Has reached it's demise.
But when it returns,
Only true meanings of happiness
Can keep my spirits alive.

The feelings I hold inside
Are just there for entertainmetn and misery.
The people who try to help
Just end up hurting me.
They never know what to say to me anymore.
I fear no one will ever understand me anymore.

The feelings I hold inside
Are the words, which I will never speak.
For anyone who hears
Will never comprehend.
Sometimes I do not believe
That I understand them as well.

My feelings I hold inside
I cannot truly understand.
The bliss of ignorance
Is within my hand.
To ignore the truth is to accept the lies.
To care or not to care,
Do I really know?
The choices that I make
Seem to become my regrets.
And every chance I take
Is any man's best bet.


Rather Do Poem
Oh, let me lie, rather than face the haters and their injustice,
In a deep pit filled with the most vile creatures alive,
Or eat every piece of bitter food I find, or let me stand
In the hot, fiery flames of a crematory; crush every bone in my body slowly,
Or drop me into bottomless waters,
Having me sink into the depths forever,
With no one to save me from my gradual, watery death;
Or chop off my tongue and feed it to me raw,
Or better yet, chop off all my connections to socialization,
Leaving me cold and alone to feel nothing;
Or pierce my skin with wide needles a billion times;
With that, let me perform Suspension for hours,
And torture me with knives,
Causing me to spasm with pain,
Forcing the hooks in even deeper--
Things that, to hear them told, have made me tremble--
And I will do it without fear or doubt,
To live a hate-free life.



I probably made some mistakes in transcribing, but oh well. My poems aren't that good anyway. I know, they're kinda depression XP I was a sad kid. A lot of family issues.


So anyway, I want to pick up with poetry again, but geez I really can't think of anything to write. Just once in a while, something interesting pops into my head.

Like today, I came up with these:

Poetry used to be my thing,
But that was a really long time ago.
Now all I can do is sing
Along with the words of another's flow.



I live for you.
If I could, I would live for me.
I suffer for you.
If I could, I wouldn't suffer for anyone.
I think for you.
If I could, I would think for me.
I'm alive for you.
I'm not living for me.



Yeah... I'm so not happy haha.


Mm, I was thinking that if I'm home alone tomorrow, I might make that YouTube video haha XP I'll ramble. I can do that pretty well. Or I can lip-sync haha. I just want to make a video. I don't talk to people enough, so I can talk to strangers on YouTube. Or not. I don't know. We'll see. If I don't, I'll get my friends together, and we'll make a video haha. As if :P We need to get together soon.

I think I should get back to my homework. Yeaah.


Edit: Grr.. Blogger doesn't like major html use. My poems all looked weird. So I'm gonna leave them in a plain form (left justified), not their original structures :( Not as aesthetically pleasing XP