I need a job.

So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.

I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.

Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.

Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.

She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.

I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.

Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.

So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.

Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.

Anyway,  I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.

I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.

Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.

And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.

Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.

Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.

So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.

I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.


I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.

Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!   

Achievable Goals to Reach in Two Years

I have a lot of things I want to do by the time I'm 24 that I couldn't do in the past four years. You know, after I get a job or two and save enough money.

Moving out; paying for my own rent, food, and gas; Electric Daisy Carnival; Warped Tour; road trip; camping; and much, much more.

I've wanted to move out since I was 17. At times, being home feels like being imprisoned. I'm at the mercy of Mother's moods. I can't step outside my house without fear of admonishment unless I had asked for permission beforehand. I need to get away from that. I've only recently started to "inform" Mother of events I go to, instead of asking. Sometimes, it's ok; other times, I deal with hours of disparaging comments before she lets me go. That's if she lets me go. I'm 21 now, closing in on 22 in less than five months. I am still a child in this family. The only time I am treated as an adult is when I'm being held responsible for my childish actions, such as staying out too late. Even then, I'm not really an adult; I'm a child who knows no better and should listen to her mother because mother knows best. Mother does not know best. Mother does not know her daughter. This daughter needs to move out and live independently. I need to do things for myself, instead of waiting for someone else to tell me if it's ok to do it. I'm trying to rehabilitate my autonomy; it was damaged sometime in my youth, maybe around fifth or sixth grade haha. Moving out on my own would be a sort of catharsis, or I feel like it would be. Just a large stepping stone that I've been afraid to approach.

As part of being an adult, I would like to pay for my own things. I don't like that my family still pays for everything. I haven't earned any of the things that I own or consume. I didn't want my car because I wasn't the one paying for it. But I will have to settle for paying back my family for all the material things that they've gotten for me. Before I can do that though, I do need to earn enough to save first and then repay later. I want to be responsible for as much as I can be responsible for. I will not depend on my family for sustenance. When I can take care of myself, I don't want to have to fall back on my family in times of need. I'm not putting him down, but I don't want to be like Brother. I will not drain my family of resources because of my shortcomings. I will be responsible for me and my life.

EDC has been a goal since I had heard of it a couple of years ago. Brother was supposed to go, but things didn't work out for him. We wanted to go this year, but again things didn't work out. But he and I are aiming for next year. And this plan has potential as long as I can find some work and gradually save. I'd have to save at least five hundred dollars, depending on how we plan out the trip. This is one of my bigger and more highly anticipated goals because I've never left California, and EDC will be in Las Vegas :) So it's a very exciting prospect.

Same with Warped Tour. I've been wanting to go since middle school haha. It's been many years of wanting. This is more achievable than EDC since the event costs less than a hundred dollars.

Thinking over these last two goals, I would be fine if I never went to these. I'm not a fan of being surrounded by a lot of people. And I don't need to enjoy live music. However, if these things are achievable and I can enjoy them with people I love, I will do it. I've been told I need to live a little. I do that in my own, small ways. But once in a while, spicing it up with huge events wouldn't be so bad.

I'd like to go on a road trip. Again, this is another adventure I've wanted to go on for years. Probably since high school when I was learning how to drive. I still just want to go on a Destination Anywhere type of road trip. Though, if my friends have destinations they want to go to, I'm all for it too. I personally just want to go somewhere. I just want to drive and enjoy the drive. This will happen. It may or may not happen before I'm 24, but I won't rule it out.

Camping... Ah, camping. I've never really been on a camping trip. There was the sixth grade trip, but I hardly remember it and I probably wouldn't consider it camping if I did remember. I'd like to enjoy nature and just be away from the masses. I'd also like to improve my survival skills haha.

Now that I've finished college, I really want to do something for myself instead of my family. School was for my family. I've done that. Work was supposed to be for my family too. However, like I said, I'm rehabilitating my autonomy. This means I need to start living for myself. Not keeping myself alive for my family or my friends. I will do things for myself, for my life, for my happiness (too). Work, when I find it, will be for me.

I feel selfish for saying any of this. For saying what I want. But I've been talking to friends, and I'm realizing I need to be considerate for myself as much as I am for other people. This is what I know. My mind still wants to reject the idea that I can and should live for myself. I fight this urge to reject every day. And every day, I feel like I'm winning a battle. Of course, I have my days where I'm completely obliterated by my pessimism. But there's a lot of things I need to fight and change. With some encouragement, I'm sure eventually my natural optimism will win over my learned pessimism.

I'm making changes in my life. Ones that I never thought I could make. I'm making them now. I used to always think it was too late to improve my life, that I would always be stuck. Or if I did, I'd be another Hollywood movie in real life, where someone else inspires me and mentors me through my challenges and there would be people watching. But it's not like that. My life is my movie. I'm the only one directing and watching it from beginning to end. There might be friends who watch parts of my movie and have roles in it, but they've got their own movies to direct and star in as well.

There's so much I could say right now, but ah there goes that memory of mine, forgetting thoughts and words.

I'm feeling good. I'm not feeling great. I have yet to get there. But I'm at a point where my life doesn't feel so hopeless. It's still a little hopeless sometimes, but I'm getting better at handling it. I feel less and less alone every day that I spend time alone. I'm feeling happier with myself, even though I still have some anger and hate directed toward myself. Like I said, I'm making changes. I'm also less dependent on others to provide my happiness. It's funny how that's working. I should have taken some time to get to know myself better a long time ago.

Better late than never, as the saying goes.

Idiocy in relation to summer units...

Yesterday (Tuesday) morning, I got an email from the Sociology Department with an add code for the Sociology 154 class (Non-Conforming Behavior) I wanted to take over the summer. So I added it, thinking I could drop my Tuesday/Thursday Social Problems class. But no.

So I went to campus to try to figure out how to drop the class. Waited half an hour for the Sociology Department to open after lunch. Their schedule says they are closed from noon to 1, but their lunch lasted until 13h30 -_- And the department couldn't help me.

Went to the Student Services Center. Registrar window. Learned I had to fill out a drop form because the last day to drop without a "W" grade passed. So after that day, I need consent to drop courses.

I went to the AS Print Shop to print the form. But it turned out I needed to write a personal statement, provide documentation as proof that I have to drop the class, and get the signatures from both the class instructor and the chair of my department.

After waiting in a long line, I talked to Financial Aid to see if I would get a fee deferral for the summer session, since the fee due date was the 16th (today). The lady who assisted me laughed at me and said that the office had a lot of papers to get through, so I would just have to be patient -_- I also asked her if my financial aid amount would increase if I added a third class, and she told me no (LIAR!). That freaked me the hell out.

So I rushed home to get a start on class-drop stuff. Spent late hours typing up the personal statement and looking up stuff I would need to complete the drop form. Printed out hella papers for proof.

But in between the time I got home from campus and the time I went to bed, I had to do a bunch of things for Mother and people. Stupid friggin' car stuff. Stupid airbag sensor fail. Had to drive to D's workplace because Mother and I borrowed his car. I drove his car, while Mother drove our car. She took the main roads. I took the freeway. So I got there early and was able to talk to D about the financial situation. He was more worried about the workload/stress I would have to endure (Surprisingly, later, Brother told me he was also more concerned about the workload than the money stuff too).

I was just really stressed out yesterday about the money.

Then today, I went to campus to try to get signatures and ask more questions about the financial stuff. Went to the Bursar's Office first, where I should have gone to first yesterday to save me from all the major stressing out and crap. I asked about refunds and stuff. Turns out I can drop the class and have six units, but I would still have to pay for the original nine units that I registered for. No refunds for students who drop a class but are still enrolled in the semester D: That's friggin' horrible.

So I decided I should just keep all three classes. Get my money's worth, right?

After that, I met up with Shiva but then went to the Financial Aid office again. No lines. And a much more helpful person. I asked about the fee deferral, and she said it wasn't on my account. But then she added the deferral to my account for me. Then I asked her about the aid amount increase for adding another class. She told me my award does increase (YESSS. The other lady lied to me >_<).

Sadly, instead of having to make up the original $700-difference in the cost and the award for the six units, now my family has to pay $861.50 T-T But I guess that's much better than the >$1500 that I had expected to pay yesterday when the lady told me my award wouldn't increase. Though, this still sucks.

I left the SSC feeling a lil better but still disappointed (mostly in myself). $861.50. I could have saved my family the extra $160 if I had planned better or had decided to just suck it up and stay home for the summer. Haha Shiva gave me a hug to make me feel better XP

I really just feel like shit about this whole thing. Money that my family shouldn't have to try to scrounge up so that I can take classes ):

But now that that is settled, my next big worry is the three-course load. Two courses seems tiring enough. But three? x.x Will I survive? Three four-hour classes. They're actually three hours and forty-five minutes long. Two on MW, one on TR. If I could drop Social Problems, I'd only have the two classes on MW. Alas, that is not the case. Five weeks of classes. Almost 24 (actually 22.5) hours of class a week XP I might end up crying sometime during the five-week period haha.

I don't think I'll be going out or anything like that much during those five weeks XP Hopefully will just be spending a lot of time on campus like I did during the past semester.

Oh, after the session is over, I'll have less than two weeks before the Fall semester starts. Will I crash during those two weeks? Highly probable. Will I bounce back in time for the semester? Who knows? I don't.

And ahhh, I hope I pass all my classes XP


Anyway, apparently, today, someone tried to break into my house when no one was home. But no one got in. They tried to get in through the bathroom window. They pulled out the outer screen and pushed the window wide open.

I doubt anyone would want to just drop in. A pretty high drop onto the bathtub. Anyway, Mother's extremely paranoid. She's suspecting every Hispanic person who passes our house now -_-

And she got mad at me for not being home. And she's mad at me because I won't be home when I start summer session -_- Really?

This kinda sucks. One of the main reasons I decided so late to take summer courses was to get away from the house or rather Mother herself.

She wants to pick me up from school and drive me back to school during the six-hour break I'll have on Mondays and Wednesdays -_- No. No way. I already planned some of this stuff out. Go to Statistics at 9h00. Get out at 12h45. Chill with Shiva, do homework, eat lunch, do more homework, nap if possible. Then go to Non-Conforming Behavior with Shiva at 18h00. Get out at 21h45. Take the light rail home. Though, I have to admit going home that late at night is gonna suck. But I've done it before, so -shrug-

Tuesdays and Thursdays should be ok but short. Start at 9h00 and get out at 12h45. Mother will probably make me go home early. Unless... I need help with my class XP I probably will. Do not know how I will handle my classes yet. But if Shiva's there to help me, I'll be aiight, yeah? :D


Anyway, if you wanna hang out like hella, we should kick it before July 12th when my session starts, which is about four weeks away. Session ends on August 12th, but I think I will be too exhausted to do much after that haha. I dunno.

So sad. I wanted to get out of San Jose/Bay Area for a lil while during the summer. Guess not? Oh well. Unless someone kidnaps me, riight? haha. Anyone still planning to go to SoCal anytime this summer? XP

That's a somewhat serious question. If anyone's going to SoCal for a few days before or after my summer session, lemme know when, how you're getting there, where you're staying, and if I can join you, k? I really need to get out for a while.


Mm, that's all for today. So tired.

Tomorrow, I'm driving Mother and Brother to his court thing. I'm not sure if and what I'm hoping for with his court case. But maybe things will work out well for us all in the end, mm? Minimal financial impact, yes? I dunno. Here's to not thinking too much about sad stuff.


Edit (21h39): I just realized that when I was figuring how many units and classes I needed for graduation, I neglected to include the SJSU Studies courses, or Upper GEs. So those R, S, and V classes would add an extra semester. Or not, if I decide to take at least 15 units a semester. Hm, fun stuff.

Did you know you could call the cops on people for littering?

So my mom and I were just going home, and there was a car in front to the right of us. I could see two people smoking on the driver side. I thought, "Ok, two smokers in the same car. Nothing new." Then, as the cars moved forward, they threw their LIT cigarettes out the windows -__- I have no problem with smoking, but I do feel agitated when people litter. Especially on a nice clean street. Well, relatively clean, but that's beside the point. I wouldn't have thought anything if the cigarettes were rubbed or burned out, but I could still see the embers flying off the cigarettes. What if the cigarettes fell into someone else's car or their own? There have been incidents where cars were lit on fire because of discarded lit cigarettes. Even a few cases where the lighter ignites fumes in the car, causing an explosion. And there were times where a discarded lit cigarette caused fire damage in a residential area because it ignited some shrubs.

People can kill people because of some small indiscretion. Why should I care? Yeah, we all die anyway, but I'd prefer we all die from either natural causes or giant stupidity instead of small stupidity.

Mm, then they threw a cup out of the car too -_- Geez.

I don't know. I told my mom, and then she kept staring at them. I looked at them once. She said they were a bunch of white, teenaged girls. "White people are supposed to be proper, but they are not being proper. They're being rude." Haha I thought, "Mom, all people should be nice and respectful. And it's not because they're white."


Aaanyway, today, I spent a few hours helping B (a really close family friend. I used to call him D on LiveJournal, but I thought "why not change it up?" :P Haha) rearrange furniture in my mom's room and mine. Something to do with Feng Shui. I think. I don't know. My mom's superstitious.

Man, it was a lot of work. Dressers, bed, bed frame thing, TV, TV stand. That's my mom's room. My room: long chair (that was my bed). Moved that into the living room. Took a bit of figuring to get it through the door. Since my brother's been sleeping on an airbed in my room and I wasn't sleeping in my room anyway, my mom thought we should take my chair out. Probably gonna sell it on Craigslist for 200 or 300. For now, it will rest in the living room where I sleep on the couch haha. Oh, and we took the small reclining chair in the living room and put it in my room. So it's at the "head" of the airbed. And B took a small table I had in my room to his home. My junior high and high school diplomas have no place to go but into my dresser. Oh well.

Ahh, so much more space in both bedrooms now. Finally. I won't get yelled at for tripping on my brother when he's sleeping anymore.

I think I'm going to reorganize my room soon. It's gotten a little disorderly in my drawers. My closet was always disorderly because of all my mom's and brother's stuff. I've already gotten rid of most of my old, worn-out clothes.

Not gonna spend money on new clothes. Instead, I told my brother that if he had any clothes he stopped wearing, he should give them to me to wear unless he wanted to give them to someone else. He said ok. I'm going back to my hand-me-down stage :P I don't care. He's got quite a few things he doesn't wear anymore. He got past his "preppy" phase. I don't know what people call it really, though. I don't care. His shirts and jeans are nice. I especially like his jeans, no matter how ridiculously expensive they are. I just like guy jeans. Comfy, not tight. Bigger pockets. I tend to carry a lot of things on my person. Just to be prepared haha.

Girl jeans suck because I can't find any with sufficient pockets. Always too tight or too small to fit anything in comfortably. I mean, my keys don't even want to go in. Though, I do have a favorite pair because it's so roomy and has big pockets! Haha. It's just got flashy, Asian-designed back pockets. But it's good. I like 'em. They're not tight haha. Why do girls wear such tight jeans? It's true we don't have anything down there to be constricted, but still. Geez...

But anyway, back to reorganizing my room.... I need to find stuff. Nothing in particular right now, but I need to have that room capability, you know? Usually, the only time my room is organized well enough is when I first move into the room. It stays neat for a few weeks. Then my family goes in and out, taking stuff out and putting stuff in. I do so too. Of course. It's my room. Yeah, things just go in different drawers or get hidden by the new things, and I can't find them anymore. Well, except my clothes. My clothes are fine. I don't have that much to keep track of. Mm, anyway, I guess I just like to reorganize, throw pointless stuff out (though I have letting-go issues), and go through the memories haha.

Ah, memories.