2022: New, new, new

New job. New love. New home.

I moved to Seattle with Matt just over a year ago. It felt like the start of the next chapter of my life. I made a few new friends in Seattle, but I haven't really connected with them all that much.

I actually started to reconnect with a lot of friends from the Bay Area instead, after Matt essentially moved out of our apartment and in with his new boyfriend (with my encouragement). My Bay Area visits have been finding me missing my friends more every time I fly back to Seattle.

The end of 2021 brought me to the end of my time at my old job. I started off 2022 with a new underwriting job that gives me great benefits that I never imagined I would earn. I can now plan a little better for the future. It boggles my mind. I'm learning something completely different from my last job. So it's slow progress, but I'm doing decently well after two months. And my colleagues are all wonderful people who are super willing to help me. I'm so grateful to join such a collaborative and genuine team.

EDC 2021 in October was a new and old experience for me. I didn't go with Matt. We flew in and out of Vegas together and I stayed in his hotel room before and after EDC, but I did RV camping with Nick and Jamie's group. Matt met up with me once each night to check up on me though :) Camping with the new fam was fun. I barely got sleep, but it was nice not to deal with traffic after each night. I was usually not alone, and I appreciated everyone's company. EDC gave me new memories, new friends, and the start of a new love.

The love was gradual and unexpected. It was kinda ideal how it developed. I think I was in denial because I had fully believed I would be single for the rest of my life. I had made my peace with that belief. But this person just kinda made a home in my life. The start of 2022 then hit me in the head with the realization of what had happened right in front of my oblivious face haha. I was confused and uncertain. But after thinking and talking about it, I realized my feelings were genuine, and so were Mark's.

This love isn't like my past crushes. My feelings in the past were typically intense and thought-consuming. My feelings now are not that intense but definitely gentle and growing as we get to know each other better. There are no impossible hurdles or unrealistic expectations. We talk. Not perfectly, but we're willing to discuss things and learn how to navigate this relationship. And honestly, I had some worries about dating a guy because my limited experiences didn't really give me much hope about men. But so far, Mark has proven to be someone with values and needs that align with mine pretty well. We don't always get each other, but we both try to be understanding. I'm quite happy with him. Weird haha.

2022 is busy for me. In 2021, I had made 2022 plans for myself to get back into the swing of things and enjoy my singleness more. This year, I've been readjusting some plans to include Mark or to spend more time with him. We're gonna go to a few events or festivals together. I always wanted a rave bae haha. Then I can retire. Maybe haha.

The biggest change of plans happening in 2022 is that I'm no longer going to stay in Seattle when my lease ends. I had originally planned to stay in Seattle for at least three years. Now, because he lives in the Bay Area (Why the heck did it take me leaving the Bay to finally meet someone I connect with? Haha), I'm going to move back after less than one and a half years in Seattle. I like Seattle, but I miss the Bay vibes. Seattle gave me enough of the break that I needed from my family and the Bay. And now, I got a love back in the Bay, and I don't think I can do the long distance for too long.

I can't wait to move back to the Bay. 2022 has been an interesting year so far, and I wonder what else it has in store.

Yay, I moved again.

I spent the late morning and early afternoon moving all my stuff from Shiva's apartment and Mother's house to my new room. At first, it didn't look like I had that many things. But after I stuffed everything into my car from Mother's house, I felt like I had too many things. Clutter! Too much clothes. Especially since Brother gave me some more of his old clothes that he no longer fits.

I'm going to spend all day tomorrow trying to rid myself of clutter. It's going to be difficult. But I will do it! I'm also going to Swiffer the hell out of my room. It's so dusty and dirty -_- Once I get through this room, it's going to be clean, and I will enforce the Asian shoe rule.

Anyway, all my things have settled in my room, meaning each thing basically has a place in my room for now. But I still want to free up some space. I'm probably gonna donate some clothes to Goodwill. My old dresser is so full D: Much fuller than I thought it would be. It makes me sad.

So I like my room. I realize, though, there are a lot of bees in the front of the house. I hope I don't get stung >:

Oh, I met one of my roommates, the homeowner's uncle, who lives in the room across the hallway. He sure is a character. Quite hard on his nephew. But he seems like a very fair, understanding, and witty person, otherwise. He was yelling at his nephew, Peter, for not offering to help get me a job at some companies that Peter has connections too. I felt bad because Peter had offered but wasn't sure he could actually help me, given that I have a degree in Sociology and not something tech-related. His uncle yelled at him to try anyway >.> While I'm grateful for all the help (Peter did drive all the way from SF to help transport my bed and chair in his truck), I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of anyone. This is only the third time that Peter and I have talked in person. But he and his uncle are very generous and thoughtful people, I guess...

Mm, the fridge has absolutely zero space for my future food and drink. The Chinese girl, who lives in the room that once was a garage, cooks a lot. Much of the stuff in the kitchen is hers, taking up most of the space. The rest is the uncle's. I found some corner in one of the cabinets to put my bowls, plate, cup, and utensils. Though, it appears there are enough of those things in the cabinets for a whole party of people. But it's me; I don't really want to share things with strangers all that much. Anyway, there is a mini fridge in the kitchen that I will be using for a short while until the girl rearranges her fridge and freezer stuff so there's a little space for me. I just want to store my juice, a few beers, a few water bottles, and some food stuff. Though, I'm cool with using the mini fridge, but the owner doesn't want to risk getting a high energy bill.

Uhh, I hope it takes me just a week to get used to living in this place. I also hope that I'll enjoy living here and my stay lasts for a long while. I don't want to move again. At least not until I have way fewer things to move with me haha.

Oh yeah, I don't have a computer desk yet. Should be delivered within the next few days. Then I can bring my desktop with me :D I miss my desktop so much. But that means I have to go purchase a wireless adapter for my computer since it's nine years old. No wireless connection built in >: Until then, my netbook will still get some love from me.

Ooh, I renewed my library card yesterday. Borrowed a few books (two novels by Dean Koontz and A Child Called "It"). Can't wait to read them. It's been a long time since I've been to and borrowed anything from the library. Shiva borrowed a few children's books and a Dean Koontz book too :P

Ahh, this past week has been pretty relaxing. But also stressful at times for various reasons. But now the week is almost over. I have one more day for rest and everything else I need to do. Then Monday, it's back to work and making a living.

I'm so tired, and my head feels like it's all over the place. I should go home and rest. Maybe take a shower. I feel disgusting. Sweat, dust, and dirt. But if I go home, I'm going to want to clean and reorganize... Why can't I just leave it be for now? Rawr. Darn my compulsions -___- Must distract myself with a book! Don't think about clutter...

Moving again.

It's been almost two months since my last update. Whyy??

I've been working, eating, or sleeping. Occasionally hanging out with friends, but really that's just because Shiva hangs out with people. I hardly try to hang out with anyone.

Anyway, I'm moving again. Into my own room this time. I found this place on Craigslist. Near McLaughlin and Tully. Quiet place where all the roommates stick to themselves. Relatively clean. Decently priced. A little closer to Mother, but that's ok. She wants to come over a few times a week; I'm not sure how I feel about that. I like my space.

I'm hoping that I will enjoy living at this house. I want my stay to be somewhat long-lasting.

I feel like when I move out, I'll become more reclusive than ever. Like I said, I hang out with people because Shiva hangs out with people. When I leave, and when she goes off to law school, I will probably spend more of my time alone. It doesn't make me sad or anything like that. I actually kinda look forward to it. I kinda want to be alone for a while...

It's going to be nice to have my own space and privacy again. And I basically have my own bathroom too, so that's cool. I get my bed back. And my dresser. And my desktop. And a new computer desk. I have to buy a wireless adapter for the desktop though because I don't want a new desktop but wireless Internet connection would be nice.

Hopefully, everything works out well and for the best...

So work has been good. Sometimes slow, sometimes stressful. Depends on the day and the work I have to do. I'm getting more and more comfortable with some of my coworkers. Granted, none of them are around my age, but that's all right. I should learn how to interact with older folks anyway.

No work this week because the company's remodeling the floors and repainting the walls. Sucks to be a temp because I get no paid time off. So while it's nice to get a week off, I'm not making any money to add to my savings.

And my savings is kinda low. I've been helping my family pay some bills and debts. Pretty much half the money I've made the past two months. I was hoping to just continue saving, but my family needs some financial help. And the least I could do is add in my support. Besides, they've been helping me since I moved out. Still paying for my gas, making me dinner from time to time, and giving me some minor necessities that I'm sometimes too lazy to get myself.

So I'm going to spend this week prepping for the move. I need to collect a few things that I won't have when I move. Can't use roommates' things anymore. I think I'm doing pretty well in getting ready. I still want to reorganize my stuff for the move. A little anxious about the move, which means I want to organize to calm down a little. But I don't really have too much to organize. I did a pretty good job the first hundred times :P

Exciting times. Exciting year. More changes. People leaving, learning, growing. Who would have ever thought I would be where I am now? I know some people expected me to be far, far better off than I currently am. And I know I didn't expect myself to go anywhere for a while. But I got somewhere. It might not be much to others, but I'm pretty damn happy with myself. I'm satisfied so far. I couldn't really ask for much better.

Anyway, life is all right. Some things are a little tough, but I'm happy. Just thought I'd let you know.

I am officially an adult.

I moved out from Mother's home on Tuesday night. It was an emotional parting. She cried because she's worried about me and she knows she will be alone--she also sees me as being alone in the world. I cried because I know she will be alone. I'm not worried about me. I know things will get better. I just wish I could know for sure Mother will be happy and safe.

So I'm crashing on the futon couch in the living room of the apartment that Shiva and Killol live in. I've pretty much rearranged my possessions a whole bunch of times already. It helps to still my nervous mind. Their apartment is messy and cluttered. I usually don't care about other people's mess enough to do anything. But the clutter is driving me mad. Because I don't know what else to think about. When I think about something else, my mind usually returns to Mother.

I think I might end up reorganizing parts of the apartment in my free time. When I have the energy.

I don't have energy. It's been an exhausting week. Not enough sleep. Too many hours standing and/or hunching over small plastic parts, examining them closely yet quickly. Mind-numbing work for most people. I actually do enjoy it. I just don't like the strain on my back and shoulders. Overall a fun experience. I think I get nervous though because these parts all go into medical devices. So people's lives are affected by the work we do. No flaws, no defects. I don't like knowing that my mistakes could hurt someone else. These might be small parts, but even small things can create great consequences.

Anyway, I can drink alcohol again tomorrow. I can relax this weekend. Much needed after this week. Tomorrow, I gotta go to work, pump some gas into my car, pick up my paycheck, open a bank account, mail my rental agreement back to the landlady, visit Dexter and let him out for a bit, and then finally down a beer or two. I am so looking forward to that beer. Or well, probably just hard ciders; close enough.

I'm so damn tired. I don't know why I'm not asleep yet. I gotta get up at 5:15am. I feel like after I get the rest I need this weekend and finish all the paperwork I need to finish, I will transition more smoothly into my new weekly routine. I hope so. I think I could love this job if I wasn't so tired and stressed. But I would also love a job that's closer to where I live and pays a little more. Just so I can save gas and money. A higher pay would allow me to save more money sooner. That would be nice. I could help my family pay stuff off sooner.

Ahh... Oh, Mother's birthday is Sunday. I think I'll come home to spend some time with her and D.

Sleep calls to me. It's been calling to me every day this week. Hopefully, I'll give in to it more easily next week when I don't have to stay up to figure so many things out.

But I still feel like I'm enjoying life, even if I'm a little sad right now. Life is being good to me, curve balls and hurdles notwithstanding.

Anyway, good night, friends.

Real adulthood is overwhelming me...

Before I even get to jump into it.

I couldn't sleep last night. My brain just kept thinking, even though my body was so tired.

The past two days, I've really only been thinking about how my future is going to affect me. Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about how my decisions are going to affect Mother.

I'm overwhelmed by the potential of my future. Even from the small things. The small plans. Overwhelmed but so excited. I'm happy.

But I worry about Mother. I have so many worries about her. I know I've wanted to be independent of her for a long time because she's overprotective and controlling. But I know she just wants everything to work out perfectly for me. But that's not the point. The point is I'm leaving Mother's home. She'll be alone after I move out. Will she become lonely? Will moving out have negative repercussions on her mental or emotional state? Will she be ok?

I was a mess last night. I haven't cried so hard since... well, a short while ago. I haven't talked to her about this yet. I think I want to. But I don't know how that conversation will go. What if she doesn't even think about it? Until I mention it.

I know my life could get really tough. And it scares me a little. But I know I could handle it. But thinking about Mother and how all this could affect her... scares the shit out of me. Terrifies me to no end.

I want everything to go smoothly for Mother's sake. If problems arise for me alone, that's fine. I'll figure it out, and I have friends who can help me. But if anything happens to Mother, I don't know what I would do.

Ahhh, my brain... So much clouding my brain.

I'm going to become a real adult!

So I think I'm actually going through with the Fremont job. How exciting. First step into the world. Sad that I'm saying it at age 22, but happy that I'm finally saying it.

Need to think through everything I have to do soon to officially be independent legally. Have to sign a rental agreement, change my address at the DMV, change my address at the post office, and get copies of the agreement and DMV changes. Fill out and submit forms and proof about the change in household composition to Housing Authority for Mother. Notify SSA of the household change as well.

Not too many things to do, but it still feels overwhelming because this is an all-or-nothing kinda deal. Once I'm legally independent, I can no longer depend on Mother to financially support me. If I crash and burn, my family won't be able to help me because our financial situation will drastically change once I'm out of the house. They've made that very clear. And I knew it too. I never plan to come begging for their help as soon as something gets too hard. I don't want to do that. I think I actually have enough pride to want to avoid that haha.

I could make this work. Mother's pessimism has gotten me to question my ability to survive. But I'm fairly confident I can make things work. Still looking for a job in San Jose so that my minimum pay will be $10 an hour and my workplace will be closer. I don't know how that will work out; it might just be a repeat of the past year of my job search. But it's ok. At least I'll have some kinda job for now.

Worst case scenario at this assembly job, according to http://www.suburbancomputer.com/tips_calculator.php, I can still take home about $200 a week after taxes. Assuming that this calculator is actually accurate, I can manage. My original estimates of what I need were based on San Jose's previous minimum wage anyway. As long as the costs of rent and everything don't skyrocket over the next year, I should be able to live comfortably with savings slowly adding up. I can do this!

Oh, I gotta remember to open a bank account when I move out too. Switch to direct deposit. Oh, and Coinstar. I seriously hope that will add at least another $200 to my savings...

I'm already making plans for the future :) I'm so excited. Not necessarily plans related to finance or housing, but just life in general. All the fun stuff. I never do that. It's still so strange for me to look forward to the future. Even a little bit.

Oh, and I think my cleaning-out/organizing/reorganizing frenzy is gonna infect Mother. She wants to clean out our garage of junk, since I'm leaving. Also, some junk collecting thing is happening at the elementary school near us. I've been trying to get her to start clearing junk out. Finally! Now we'll see how easy it is for her to let go of stuff that we haven't seen in years.


Aaaanyway, childhood photos! I've totally forgotten the rest of what I was going to say for this entry. Oh well. Baby photos!

I officially have a job.

Finally!

I got an interview with Aerotek, a staffing agency. Initially, they were going to offer me a recycling center job that pays $10 an hour and has 60-hour work weeks, so lots of overtime. I think I could have done that, but that would have been extremely tiring. I'm not a night person. Working from 1 to 1 doesn't sound too fun. If I had decided to do that job, I probably would have worked from 1am to 1pm instead of 1pm to 1am. Either way, doesn't sound that great. Though, the overtime pay would have been nice.

So they offered me another job: medical device assembly. Starts on Monday. Supposedly, $8.25 an hour, or minimum wage. 32-hour weeks guaranteed. That's what the guy told me. Except I think minimum wage in Fremont is just $8.00 an hour. Oh well, I wrote $8.25 on the forms because that's what he told me.

I know that's not much money, but I just want some work experience. The money can happen later. And it's not like I'm going to spend much. The plan still is to move in with Shiva and Killol for a month or two to save money. Maybe by the time I rent my own room, I'll have a higher paying job.

I just needed a jumpstart on my official work history.

Early this morning, I actually had scheduled an interview with Domino's Pizza for a delivery driver position downtown. I was getting ready to go to that interview, but Mother got mad at me for applying for it at all. "You could get robbed! Grown men don't even want to do delivery jobs because they know they could be robbed." So I canceled the interview to calm her down, except she wouldn't calm down.

Then I received an email about a Craigslist ad I responded to. A documenting project in north San Jose for the state prison system. I replied to the email but haven't received any response since. It would pay $10 an hour. Full-time guaranteed. Job would last at least nine months. It's actually somewhat related to my degree.

Since I hadn't received any reply to that email and got a call from Aerotek, I went to the Aerotek interview. Nice people.

Anyway, I guess I'll stick with this assembly job for now. See how it works out. And if the documenting job pans out, I could just quit the assembly job and start working on the documenting job. Though, I guess I would feel bad for quitting so soon. But I hope they would understand that I had to jump at any job offers I could get. Today, Aerotek's offer was the best I could get. If the documenting job works out, then that will probably be the best offer.

So now that I officially have a job, that means I have to start filing paperwork to move out of Mother's place. Sadly, I don't get a week to do all of it. I have this weekend and the afternoons after work.

But I can't wait to finally move out. Mother is trying to convince me that I need to come home every day to eat, except that's a waste of my gas money, which I won't have very much of.

Oh man, I hope everything works out. Once I move out, I'm hoping things will get a little simpler. And I hope I'll finally find the motivation and time to do the things I want to do, like exercise. Need to start running or something. It's ridiculous how unenergetic I have become.

Since I probably won't be making that much for a while, I will probably stay in even more than I usually do. Just want to save as much as I can. Then find a really cheap room to rent. Like $300 a month. I could go without immediate access to Internet and TV.

I just want to be able to simplify my life. Simple living. Is that too much to ask for? Mother seems to think so. She thinks I'm gonna crash and burn once I leave her home. I'm so sad that she has so little faith in me. I'm so sad she still thinks I'll be just like Brother. How unfair. I'm not him. I'm not like him. I don't want her to continue to treat me like a child. I wanna live my life on my own.

Baby steps. I will get to where I want to be. I will become the person I want to be. Just need to slowly pry Mother's very strong fingers off of me.

I'm so excited. While my job might not be the most exciting news ever to someone else like Mother, I'm so happy to start working. To get started on my life away from family. I'm finally going to be productive. I just want to be happy. I want a simple and satisfying life. I feel like this job is a step in that direction, whether I have my family's full support in it or not.

I currently don't have very high aspirations--I never really did. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm not complaining. Other people might say I'm settling or I'm not trying hard enough. That's how they see it, which is fine. I don't see it like that. I don't know exactly where I want my life to go, so I can't really head in a specific direction. I'm all right with just going where life takes me. See what's offered and what opportunities I'm willing to take. I might not take the best opportunities every time, but I'm totally fine with that. As long as life treats me well and I'm happy, it's all good. Simple and satisfying, that's all I'm asking for. If I'm not struggling to survive, I'm not going to complain.

I'll be happy for the friends who make it far and reach their higher goals, and I'll be happy for the friends who just make it. And I'll also be happy for and proud of myself no matter how far I get, as long as I know we're all living well, honestly, and happily.

Winter cleaning?

Actually, it's more like six months of cleaning... Sooo summer-autumn-winter cleaning! I've been dusting, wiping down, and clearing stuff out of my room every few weeks since the summer.

I don't know what else to do. Aside from being on the job hunt, reading, and watching movies and shows, I haven't had much else to do at home. Every time I think about the stuff I own, my first thought is always "I have way too much stuff." Then I think of the clutter, and clutter bothers me >.< So I start going through my stuff and tossing them.

I've reduced my wardrobe a lot, but I also got new clothes for Christmas so XP Inane details ahead, so you can skip the rest of this paragraph: I used to have like 36 pairs of pants; now, I have nineteen, including five pairs of blue jeans. Shorts went from eight pairs to four pairs. I reduced the number of shirts I own from 60+ to just thirteen T-shirts, two polos, two long-sleeved shirts, two flannels, and nine button-ups. I'm planning to get rid of more of my graphic tees once I can buy more solid-colored shirts, especially polos. And I still have thirteen hoodies, jackets, and coats, which is fewer than the twenty I used to have. I'm still planning to get rid of some more clothes. Make it easier for myself to fit my clothes into one luggage thing. (What are they called? I never knew.)

I'm not too worried about moving my clothes though. I'm more wary of moving all my other stuff. I have to leave them with Mother. But I would much rather take them with me. However, I've been throwing out a lot of souvenirs. Especially yesterday. Trying to make space for few things in the fewest amount of boxes. Except I'm using small boxes. Like tiny ones.

It seems I don't have that much stuff anymore, which is good. Yay for less clutter! I've got my books in one box; random, small things in a shoebox, a Verizon box, and two cookie tins; and school stuff in an SJSU box. When I move, my clothes will be in one luggage, my hats and scarf will be in one of my cloth bags, my CDs will probably go in a small box, along with my yearbooks and photo albums.

Moving out is stuck on my mind. I'm a little anxious about it. Not because I'm moving out, but because I feel like I have so much to do to prepare for it (so that I don't mess up Mother's living situation) and I don't want to continue to be tied down to Mother. Except I know she's trying to keep me around. She's suggested that after I move out, eventually I should move back in with her >.> I don't have the nerve to tell her that I plan to move away from San Jose one day. But I did say I would never want to move back in. Once I'm out, I'm out for good.

I'm thinking about moving out so often... I don't want to forget anything. That's why I'm blogging about where I'm putting stuff. So I don't forget I already have a plan for how I'm going to transfer my stuff. If I have as few possessions as possible, I can just take it all with me when I move in with Shiva and Killol. Because right now, my plan is just to take my clothes, towel, blanket, netbook, and a few other necessities with me. If I can put all my stuff into a few small boxes or one medium-sized box, I can just take it all with me. When I move into my own room later, I'll take my bed, coat stand, a dresser, and maybe my desktop and desk. Maybe I'll sell my bed and get a twin-sized bed too. A full-size is so big for me >.>

Still have so much stuff I don't need. Also good exercise for letting things go. Still so hard to let go -sigh- I just want to keep things I need. Goal: Small and few. Minimalist lifestyle! It would be so much easier to do once Mother stops telling me what to do and telling me that I'm too cheap or I act too poor. I just want to live a simple life. I'm not a decorative or extravagant person on most days. I just need to let go!

Sorry, that last paragraph was random. But yeah, I'm gonna try to live the life I want to live. Butting heads with Mother will happen because she wants me to do all these things for her that I can't afford to do yet. Nor do I want to at this point in my life. I just wanna know what it's like to take care of myself first. She wants me to buy a house, so that our whole family can live together <.< That's just not what I want. One, I don't want to live with her again. Two, I don't want to live in or own a house. Three, she's trying to plan my life without my input. It's frustrating. She's making plans that I don't see myself being a part of. At the least, when I can afford to, I will help pay for her living space, food, clothes, and leisure. But she's making plans like she expects me to do it within the next year or two. I won't. I don't expect to be making enough money for all that for at least the next four or five years. Even when I get to that point, I don't know how extravagant I will be with my spending. If I still spend less on myself, then yeah I can spend more on her. But if I start spending on myself like how she spends on herself, I won't be able to take care of her the way she wants me to.

Also, at that point in my life, I might have a significant other. I don't know where my priorities will be then.

I just wish she'd let me figure out my life for myself. I have (ideas of) plans for how I want to live and how to save my money and everything, but she won't listen to me. If she keeps butting into my life and trying to change it so that it fits what she wants, I'm going to feel less and less inclined to share my plans (and savings) with her. She's just gotta let me do my thing and trust that I will learn how to take care of myself, come back, and take care of her when I can. Making me take care of her now when I don't even know how to care for myself is one of the worst things she can do. But, of course, she won't listen. So I'm going to have to figure out how to do what I want to do while still appeasing her.

Wish me luck XP

I haven't had insomnia in a while.

I felt so wired in bed. I think I got maybe two hours of sleep this morning. My brain wouldn't stop thinking and planning. Every time I stopped to try to go to sleep, the lull wouldn't last long. I think I managed to drift off a handful of times, but each time I would wake up thinking things over. I tried listening to music, but that didn't keep me asleep for long.

Then at probably 6 in the morning, one of my cousins in Vietnam called Mother's cell phone. And she was awake talking for an hour. I don't know what the conversation was about, but usually when we get a call from Vietnam, it's not good news. I'll have to ask Mother about it later when I'm less tired.

So what was I thinking about from 11pm to 8am, when I finally clocked out for longer bit? Just trying to plan everything for the beginning of 2013.

Yesterday, Mother, D, and I had a conversation about me starting work and moving out of Mother's house. Mother has Section 8 housing. I have to move out before or as soon as I start working. We have to notify Housing Authority of the change in household composition within 10 days. There are forms and verification of my leave to submit in those ten days. I also need to get a bank account, so my employer can pay me with direct deposit rather than a mailed paycheck. Because, apparently, if Mother receives my paychecks, that is immediate proof that I still live with her even when I've obviously moved out -_- But I can't get the bank account now because I still live with Mother and we would have to notify HA of my account. Then they'd possibly increase her rent.

So essentially, I just need to do all these things the day before I start working. Except I don't know when I start yet. And I'm not sure how many days' notice I'll get in the first place.

All simple tasks to do. Just so many. I'm sure I've forgotten a few already. I should write these things down. Mother is freaking out because she's afraid we won't follow procedure properly and she'll lose her Section 8 -_- I just sat there, thinking, "Maybe it's about time you do, since you keep panicking about it. I don't think it's healthy for you to stay on this program." Too bad I can't say it. I really think living with Section 8 stresses her way more than it should.

Anyway, other things plaguing my mind: strict budgeting and saving plan. Commute from downtown SJ to workplace is 16 miles. Round trip would cost me about a gallon and a half of gas. Roughly 7.5 gallons a work week. That's more than half my tank. 30ish dollars a work week. Need to consider weekend driving. For now, let's say 120 a month for gas. (My budget plan allows for 150 a month, so I'm good here.) I think for the first month or so after I move out, I'll limit my weekend driving to when I need to go somewhere. Otherwise, I'll bum a ride and chip in for gas :P

Initially, when I move out, I'm planning to live with Shiva and Killol for a while. Until I can save up enough money for ideally first two months' rent and security deposit for a room of my own. So I'm thinking maybe a thousand dollars. Preferably a room within ten miles of my workplace. That limits me to places in Mountain View, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Milpitas, and north and west San Jose. I looked on craigslist last night just to get a general idea of what I would want to look for when the time came. Ignoring all the ads for guys looking for female roommates with benefits, there seems to be a good amount of rooms for the price range I'm looking for. I don't ask for much. I just need a place to store my stuff, to sleep, and to shower.

Ah, so much stuff to think about. When I move somewhere closer to my workplace, I'll save on my average mileage and gas during the work week. But it also means that I'd have a longer drive to see my friends.

Mm, so since I'll make ten dollars an hour for forty hours a week, I'm assuming I'll make seven dollars an hour after taxes. (I'm not actually sure how much tax will be taken out yet, but I hopefully am overestimating the tax.) So I'll make 280 a week. I told Shiva I was willing to pay a week's worth of pay as my rent. That leaves 840 for the rest of the month. Take out the 150 for gas, and I'm left with 690. Ideally, I want to save 500 a month, so that I'll move out of Shiva and Killol's apartment sooner. That basically leaves me with 190 for spending money. Less than fifty dollars a week. I could live off of that if I spend wisely.

Mother offered to provide me with lunch, but that just wastes my gas. A gallon just to go to her place and back to mine. I think I'll stick to just visiting her on the weekend. Plus, I don't want her to think I can't live on my own without her. She doesn't think Brother can do it, since he comes home every few days and asks to borrow money and to have some things to use, like detergent and shampoo. I don't plan to do that. I plan to move out and rely on myself. I'll only ask Mother for help when I'm in a really tight spot. But even then, I might just turn to friends because I know they won't hold it over my head or against me.

Let's see. I still have about 300 dollars left from the summer. Will probably spend about forty of it this weekend. Leaves me with 260. Then we have a change jars. I'm planning to ask Mother if I can cash in the change and put the money toward my rent/savings. I'm hoping there's at least a hundred dollars in there.


I know, this is a lot of stuff that's not important to you. But I need to put it down somewhere, or else I might not be able to sleep tonight.


When I start work, I'll most likely be working from 5:45am to 2:15pm every day. Yay, morning! I'm so excited. This means I'll probably get up at 4 or 4:30 in the morning and leave by 5. It also means I'd get home around 3. Exercise, eat, shower by 4:30pm. Maybe visit some friends at SJSU. Bed by 9:30pm. Start the cycle over. Yay, routine! I can't wait to start this routine. It will be a nice change from the past six or seven months.


Yes, I know, I know. I can't help it. When great change is imminent, I start to overthink. I start having ideas about what I want to do to be prepared. I like being prepared. Mother keeps trying to butt into my plans, so I'm not making plans. I just have ideas of plans. I hope they come to fruition. I hope everything works out.

Good song (or at least the chorus) that perfectly fits my mood right now: "Tell Me A Story" by Phillip Phillips :)


I feel so jittery, and I've had no stimulants. Not enough sleep. Still thinking too much. Need to stop. I've probably forgotten half the things I thought of last night. Consequences of insomniaaa!

Ok. I should go. But I'm excited! I'm surprised I was able to do math in my head last night/this morning. Yeah. Ok, going now.

I need a job.

So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.

I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.

Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.

Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.

She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.

I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.

Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.

So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.

Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.

Anyway,  I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.

I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.

Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.

And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.

Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.

Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.

So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.

I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.


I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.

Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!   

Shiva's Move-Out & My Obligatory Jury Duty

Sunday, Michelle W took grad photos of Shiva. She couldn't finish taking them. So our friend Phil came to help finish. Went outside into the windy day, along with Sabrina, to take nice scenic photos. It was really COLD ;-; But we braved the temperature to finish taking photos in the CV Quad and on Tower Lawn.

Sunday and Monday were spent packing Shiva's things into boxes and stuff. Most of it actually happened on Monday XD Her parents came to help pack, which did not make for a completely pleasant experience. Lots of arguments about what to keep, what to throw away, where to put things, who should keep what, etc etc.
Her parents wanted her to throw or give away a lot of things because there wasn't enough space in their SUV. But a lot of that stuff has sentimental value -nods- I offered to take some stuff home in Mother's car, so that Shiva could pick them up when she comes back this weekend for her job interview. Shiva's parents then tried to get me to take like 2/5 of the stuff Shiva had <_<; A lot of stuff. When we took the stuff down to Mother's car, she got kinda annoyed at me for offering to take stuff. But seriously, it wasn't that much compared to what was in Shiva's parent's car haha.
So Mother and Shiva's mom talked to each other >_> I felt weird. I always feel weird when she tries to talk to my friends or their parents XD Anyway, I left after putting the last few things in Mother's car. Long hugs before Shiva and I parted ways.
At home, I had to leave the boxes and two zipped bags in the garage. Brought her small luggage, bogu bag, shinai bag, and stuff into my room. I suppose I could have taken like one or two more things. But we had figured that Shiva's Camry might not fit everything especially since she's gonna have a passenger in her car with his own stuff.
But yeah, Monday was an exhausting day.

Tuesday, I had to report for jury duty at the Superior Court downtown at 13h00. Lasted about an hour. I read 1984 while waiting. The judge came, introduced staff, lawyers and clients, read a statement that summarized the case details, and asked prospective jurors as a group a few questions. Questions included whether we knew any of the people in the court and whether we had any hardships that interfered with jury duty. All those who had no hardships--this included me--could leave but had to return Wednesday morning at 8h55.

So today, I returned. Sat in court while we all went through the jury selection. 80+ prospective jurors. Quite a few SJSU students. Two breaks and a 1.5-hour-long lunch break. Lasted till about 16h30. One juror fell asleep, and the judge got angry at him. Most of the original eighteen people who were randomly selected were chosen to stay on the jury. A lot of prospective jurors were anxious about being selected to go up for jury selection and interview. When jurors were dismissed, the waiting jurors to be selected were all like "I hope I don't get selected next." But luckily, we didn't have to go through all eighty or so people. More like twenty-two people. Just sucked that we had to spend so many hours waiting.
Few things I can remember about a few jurors:
one worked at Flextronics (This caught my attention because Brother used to work there)
a female juror stated that her significant other was an attorney (Her significant other was a "she." I got all excited when I heard that just because I don't normally hear people mention same-sex relationships in public outside of QTIP and Q&A)
a couple of jurors left for health or work-related reasons (arthritis. And some employers were not paying their employees for the work they were missing)

I finished reading 1984 because of all the waiting I had to do. Oh, and supposedly, I will be paid $15 per day I'm on duty starting today, as well as $0.34 per mile traveled from my zip code. Not that much. It's like being paid $3 an hour, maybe a little more.

Anyway, I'm gonna spend tomorrow reorganizing my room. And I need to apply to more jobs -_- No replies from the other ones that I have applied to. Sad.

Oh, I checked my grades for this past semester. Three A's and one A- so far. One more class to check, but I'm pretty sure I got an A in that one too. Next Wednesday, I get to register up to eighteen units :D because I'm a graduating senior <_< I thought that only counted when I'm in my last semester, but I guess it counts in my last two semesters? I dunno. But yay! I get to register for the five classes that I want. Woot woot!