Well, I accidentally deleted my original draft for this post. That sucks.
----
2019 started off well enough. I went to a couple of events and hung out with friends. I went to Gameboi in February. To be honest though, I don't really remember the beginning of this year all that well. My focus this year was on my anxiety, my fears, my health, and my relationships.
2019 shoved me to the ground and kicked me to the point that I didn't know if I was going to survive. My mind has been in dark places before, but this year found me in some of the darkest and craziest. I felt like I was losing my mind and myself. I didn't know if I would ever find my way back to normalcy. Everything felt like an endless maze that kept shifting every time I thought I was on the right track.
I used to want to escape from real life. The party life used to help me do that. Now, I don't want to escape anymore. I want to be present and to face life, but my mind keeps trying to go off into some other place I don't want to be. It happens when I expect it to; it happens when I don't expect it to. It has been a struggle. I've cried, I've hid, I've prayed, and I've frozen in fear. I've hated myself for the choices I made that led me to this point of my life.
Now, I don't hate myself. I still cry. I still pray. I try my best not to freeze when I'm scared. I'm practicing having compassion for myself. Not always successful, but I'm not so hard on myself for continuing to struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not as afraid of being alone. I still struggle to fall asleep, but it's getting a little easier to fall asleep every night. I have some safety measures in place in case I start to panic, but I haven't had a strong need to use any of them in a while. It's just nice to know they're there.
I'm grateful for my friends and coworkers who've become good friends. They've given me their time, warmth, and lessons. I'm blessed to know I have their support in my darkest moments. Who knows if and how I would have survived this year without these thoughtful and caring people (and therapy)?
Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues and obsessions I've had in my life. I've grown so accustomed to them that I didn't even realize they were problems. Or if I did realize, I kinda just let myself forget about them until they built up into an uncontrollable mess that got exacerbated by my partying ways.
Talking things out with my therapist and my friends has helped a lot. Steady pressure relief. It's nice. My sense of hope has returned. I'm trying to hold on to it and do things to help it grow. I'm trying to get myself to go out a little more again. For a while, I couldn't watch movies because of my overactive imagination. I've gone to see Last Christmas, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Funny thing is the movie about Mr. Rogers probably freaked me out the most because of its realistic nature and a dream sequence it has; too reminiscent of some experiences for me.
Anyway, 2019 has led me down a foreign yet familiar path. I've had to deal with emotions and things I can't really explain, but I'm fortunate to have friends, who don't fully understand what's going on, stand beside me while I figure myself out and make changes to improve my situation. I'm relearning lessons and learning new lessons; hopefully, this time, I really keep these lessons with me and don't make the same mistakes in the future; and if I do, I hope I'm developing the strength to keep pushing myself to do better and not to feel sorry for myself.
I'm planning for a future that was always blurry to me. It still is blurry, but I'm hoping it gets clearer.
----
I'm going into 2020 with some hope and plenty of friends. Hoping I'll turn hindsight into foresight. Hope into action haha.
I don't have any set plans yet. But I want to make 2020 a good year. I don't want to fuck things up again. I don't want to scare the people who care about me. I want to make better decisions. I want to take smarter risks and to take better care of myself.
----
I wanted to go into more detail about this year, but accidentally deleting the draft just made me realize I don't need to focus on all of the details. I just want to focus on the journey and the progress of how I'm feeling.
Today, I feel better. And I know I can feel even better in the future. I just gotta keep putting in the effort.
----
Thank you, friends, for holding my hand, holding me, and loving me when I couldn't do anything for myself. Thank you for all the goodness and strength you've shared with me. Thank you for reflecting all my goodness and strength that I couldn't see on my own.
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Ending 2018; Starting 2019
2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.
----
Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.
2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)
I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.
2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!
----
I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.
----
Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.
At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.
In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.
I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.
We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.
----
I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.
----
I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.
Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course
Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet
----
I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.
But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.
I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.
Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.
----
2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.
----
Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.
2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)
I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.
2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!
----
I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.
----
Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.
At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.
In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.
I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.
We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.
----
I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.
----
I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.
Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course
Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet
----
I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.
But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.
I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.
Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.
----
2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.
Friday, December 29, 2017
Last-minute, miscellaneous thoughts for 2017
I've been sounding like a broken record all year, but I have to reiterate how lucky I feel to have the caring, helpful, and generous friends I have. They're enablers, but I am so appreciative of all the love they share.
I thought I was going to break my tradition of raving at the end of the year because of my budget. Matt is not even in town, but he got me a ticket for Kaskade's open-to-close set tomorrow night. I used the last of my 2017 budget to pay Matt back what I could for a portion of the ticket. This guy, what did I do to deserve him?
And I guess my NYE raving tradition is slightly broken? The show is on the 30th rather than the 31st. So I'll party it up tomorrow night and then have a lowkey NYE night with a few friends who also decided not to rave into the new year :) Yay, I won't be alone!
----
In the past 4.5 years, I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. My high school and college years were mellow. I barely knew what partying was; I couldn't afford to know what it was haha. I started letting loose a little in 2013 and going out more and more frequently. At some point, I was going out just about every weekend. At the end of 2016, I decided I needed to rein it in to save money and to try other things; so I put some restrictions on myself for 2017. I still went out on some weekends, but monetary limits kept me mindful. I think I've even returned to my 2013 levels of partying haha. Not bad.
----
2017 has been a challenging year in ways I didn't foresee, but it has been filled with many wonderful new adventures, lessons, and changes. I am so grateful for all the friends that supported me through the lows and cheered me on during the highs. I probably wouldn't have survived this year with my mind intact without all of them.
----
I always look forward to the end of the year because it feels like an accomplishment to reach it. Even though, I know it's such an arbitrary thing to care about. All the things that happened this year have shaped me into someone who is different from who I was a year ago. I'm more anxious and worried. I have to constantly train myself to trust. But I'm also more appreciative. I'm much more aware. I'm finding a new balance in my life. I try harder to not take time and people for granted.
I just hope I remember to keep this going. I got to the end of 2017 in one piece; I can keep going.
----
2018 will bring in new challenges; I hope I can ready myself for them, and I hope I've learned enough not to make the same mistakes I've made before.
I probably won't travel as much as I did this year, which wasn't that much anyway. Maybe two or three trips. We'll see how things pan out.
I hope I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone again. Enough to make a more positive impact on others.
I thought I was going to break my tradition of raving at the end of the year because of my budget. Matt is not even in town, but he got me a ticket for Kaskade's open-to-close set tomorrow night. I used the last of my 2017 budget to pay Matt back what I could for a portion of the ticket. This guy, what did I do to deserve him?
And I guess my NYE raving tradition is slightly broken? The show is on the 30th rather than the 31st. So I'll party it up tomorrow night and then have a lowkey NYE night with a few friends who also decided not to rave into the new year :) Yay, I won't be alone!
----
In the past 4.5 years, I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. My high school and college years were mellow. I barely knew what partying was; I couldn't afford to know what it was haha. I started letting loose a little in 2013 and going out more and more frequently. At some point, I was going out just about every weekend. At the end of 2016, I decided I needed to rein it in to save money and to try other things; so I put some restrictions on myself for 2017. I still went out on some weekends, but monetary limits kept me mindful. I think I've even returned to my 2013 levels of partying haha. Not bad.
----
2017 has been a challenging year in ways I didn't foresee, but it has been filled with many wonderful new adventures, lessons, and changes. I am so grateful for all the friends that supported me through the lows and cheered me on during the highs. I probably wouldn't have survived this year with my mind intact without all of them.
----
I always look forward to the end of the year because it feels like an accomplishment to reach it. Even though, I know it's such an arbitrary thing to care about. All the things that happened this year have shaped me into someone who is different from who I was a year ago. I'm more anxious and worried. I have to constantly train myself to trust. But I'm also more appreciative. I'm much more aware. I'm finding a new balance in my life. I try harder to not take time and people for granted.
I just hope I remember to keep this going. I got to the end of 2017 in one piece; I can keep going.
----
2018 will bring in new challenges; I hope I can ready myself for them, and I hope I've learned enough not to make the same mistakes I've made before.
I probably won't travel as much as I did this year, which wasn't that much anyway. Maybe two or three trips. We'll see how things pan out.
I hope I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone again. Enough to make a more positive impact on others.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Rave life chose me.
I've been going to events for more than three years now. Each subsequent year has found me attending more events than the previous. I thought I would slow down, but that didn't happen. Until now.
The rave scene has changed a lot. Granted, people who've been doing this longer than I have have seen way more changes. But I, for one, have started to feel jaded and nostalgic. It's only been three years.
I still want to enjoy the music. I was never really one to connect with the people at events, but I feel more disconnected now than ever. Countdown changed that a bit. I felt more connected than I usually do. It was a nice change. It reminded me of why I started and continued to rave in the first place. I can't quite explain it because I'm not sure I really understand what happened. Everything just seemed to flow together a little better at Countdown than at Escape or even Dreamstate So Cal.
Anyway, there wasn't really a point to that. I just wanted to put the thought down.
I come to the same realization over and over again. I've spent a lot of my income on raving. It's an expensive hobby that requires travel, lodging, food, etc. And lots and lots of rest and recovery. Would I change any of it and spend my money more wisely? Probably not. I've gained a lot of experiences and memories, both wonderful and terrifying, which have helped me grow, learn, and see the world in a different light.
But the sheer amount of money I've spent is mind-boggling to say the least. I never saw myself as a big spender. I still don't. But my bank account would beg to differ. Yeah, I've met people who spent more on a handful of raves than I have in my entire three-year adventure. But for me to throw money at raves so easily, that idea would have baffled me just five years ago.
I guess getting my first job just opened up all these opportunities, and the inner wild child that never experienced much got to do what she wanted to do. And she's been having a hell of a time.
Of course, life catches up sometimes to remind me that I have responsibilities or that I should start thinking about the future a little more carefully. I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm taking baby steps. I have goals (who would've thought?). Long-term and short-term. Trying to find a balance. Trying to figure out where my priorities lie, how selfish I should be, when I'll make things happen. And these goals keep changing and rearranging haha.
I'm trying to be more thoughtful, while still putting myself first. It's hard not to feel like I'm not doing enough, but I don't even know what enough is. All I can really focus on now is surviving in the Bay, working, helping my family when they need it, and not losing my mind trying to do all this. Mental health issues don't help much, but for now I'm dealing with it. Granted, I've not talked to a doctor about it. Really, I haven't been to a doctor in quite some time. At least a year. I know I'm paying for it, but I'm not utilizing it. I really should, especially if the government is planning to gut the ACA soon :/
Anyway, I'm trying to find new hobbies and rediscover old ones. Trying to ease the financial weight of my current hobby haha. Also, trying to promote self-care. My friend Matt had a conversation with me recently because he was worried about me. It brought to light a lot of issues I've been having and running from. Nothing new. Just stuff that's always been there, that I've fought and struggled with successfully and unsuccessfully. It's a cycle that I often find myself in.
I feel like my thoughts are going in circles now haha. I'm just trying to find some peace, calm, confidence, and a stronger sense of self. Raving used to help me with that, and then it didn't. Now it's kinda helping again. But I gotta make sure I don't go overboard with it. And I want to find other things and activities to help too.
For now, I'm still a little stuck on that. I'm getting back into my sudoku puzzles haha. Been trying to get back into reading, but I'm struggling with that. I'm not sure why. Otherwise, I'm still flipping through ideas for hobbies. What makes it hard is I get more anxiety being around strangers nowadays, which is so funny because I go raving only to be surrounded by strangers all the time. But yeah, I'm trying to work with that. Hence, the solo activities for now. Eventually, I'll hopefully venture out into the world more.
2017... I'm going to travel. Well, I'll try. No EDC. The three times I've left California were to go to EDC Las Vegas. I must go elsewhere.
First up, Portland! I know three friends up there. I can fly! Now, I know I'm okay on a plane after flying back home after Dreamstate. Hoping I can deal with airports on my own... Must book flights soon...
I also want to visit Seattle just because. I want to visit my friend Summer in Santa Barbara; I've never driven down the PCH, and so I look forward to this. Also going to visit a couple of other folks sprinkled about the US. Matt wants to go to Hawaii for his birthday; so that may be a trip I'm planning to do too. I just read a blog about how a guy travelled across the US by train for a couple hundred dollars. That also sounds intriguing.
Travel plans are a reason I want to cut back on raving. Another important one is family. Rough times right now. I feel like I should be ready to help financially. Although, I don't have that much to my name. I should still have something available in case of emergency.
I feel like a bad person. I say I want to help, but I also want to do all these fun things. I am not sure how to reconcile. I'm just moving forward with my plans and hoping that I'm doing right by myself and others.
----
In any case, my 2017 rave ticket budget is $850. I'd do a more detailed budget, but I think budgeting for just tickets is limiting enough haha.
So far, so good. Despite all the temptation, I have only spent a total of $160 for Crush SF in February and Untz Festival in June haha. I think by this time last year, I was set to go to five or six events by the end of March XD
I'm now trying to decide what one or two events I may add between February and June.
CRSSD: March 4-5 in San Diego, a city I have never visited. I like the lineup. Lots of small names I wanna see. About $165. Need to think about travel and lodging.
Beyond So Cal: March 25-26 in San Bernardino, which I've travelled to many times. Still waiting for the lineup. About $190. Travel and lodging can be booked through Insomniac.
Dreamstate: May 27-28 in SF, which I'm fairly familiar with. Won't know the lineup for a while. But this would be the cheapest choice. Usually about $150. Basic commute to SF. Although, it would also be the weekend before Untz. How much energy would I have?
I want to consider Shaky Beats in Atlanta because their lineup is amazing, but my math puts this event way over my budget, especially if I'm trying to spread out my events through the year. I'm also reminding myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't attend all these events. I was fine before I knew they existed. I must not give power to the fomo.
----
First world problems? Yeah, I know... <.<;;
The rave scene has changed a lot. Granted, people who've been doing this longer than I have have seen way more changes. But I, for one, have started to feel jaded and nostalgic. It's only been three years.
I still want to enjoy the music. I was never really one to connect with the people at events, but I feel more disconnected now than ever. Countdown changed that a bit. I felt more connected than I usually do. It was a nice change. It reminded me of why I started and continued to rave in the first place. I can't quite explain it because I'm not sure I really understand what happened. Everything just seemed to flow together a little better at Countdown than at Escape or even Dreamstate So Cal.
Anyway, there wasn't really a point to that. I just wanted to put the thought down.
I come to the same realization over and over again. I've spent a lot of my income on raving. It's an expensive hobby that requires travel, lodging, food, etc. And lots and lots of rest and recovery. Would I change any of it and spend my money more wisely? Probably not. I've gained a lot of experiences and memories, both wonderful and terrifying, which have helped me grow, learn, and see the world in a different light.
But the sheer amount of money I've spent is mind-boggling to say the least. I never saw myself as a big spender. I still don't. But my bank account would beg to differ. Yeah, I've met people who spent more on a handful of raves than I have in my entire three-year adventure. But for me to throw money at raves so easily, that idea would have baffled me just five years ago.
I guess getting my first job just opened up all these opportunities, and the inner wild child that never experienced much got to do what she wanted to do. And she's been having a hell of a time.
Of course, life catches up sometimes to remind me that I have responsibilities or that I should start thinking about the future a little more carefully. I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm taking baby steps. I have goals (who would've thought?). Long-term and short-term. Trying to find a balance. Trying to figure out where my priorities lie, how selfish I should be, when I'll make things happen. And these goals keep changing and rearranging haha.
I'm trying to be more thoughtful, while still putting myself first. It's hard not to feel like I'm not doing enough, but I don't even know what enough is. All I can really focus on now is surviving in the Bay, working, helping my family when they need it, and not losing my mind trying to do all this. Mental health issues don't help much, but for now I'm dealing with it. Granted, I've not talked to a doctor about it. Really, I haven't been to a doctor in quite some time. At least a year. I know I'm paying for it, but I'm not utilizing it. I really should, especially if the government is planning to gut the ACA soon :/
Anyway, I'm trying to find new hobbies and rediscover old ones. Trying to ease the financial weight of my current hobby haha. Also, trying to promote self-care. My friend Matt had a conversation with me recently because he was worried about me. It brought to light a lot of issues I've been having and running from. Nothing new. Just stuff that's always been there, that I've fought and struggled with successfully and unsuccessfully. It's a cycle that I often find myself in.
I feel like my thoughts are going in circles now haha. I'm just trying to find some peace, calm, confidence, and a stronger sense of self. Raving used to help me with that, and then it didn't. Now it's kinda helping again. But I gotta make sure I don't go overboard with it. And I want to find other things and activities to help too.
For now, I'm still a little stuck on that. I'm getting back into my sudoku puzzles haha. Been trying to get back into reading, but I'm struggling with that. I'm not sure why. Otherwise, I'm still flipping through ideas for hobbies. What makes it hard is I get more anxiety being around strangers nowadays, which is so funny because I go raving only to be surrounded by strangers all the time. But yeah, I'm trying to work with that. Hence, the solo activities for now. Eventually, I'll hopefully venture out into the world more.
2017... I'm going to travel. Well, I'll try. No EDC. The three times I've left California were to go to EDC Las Vegas. I must go elsewhere.
First up, Portland! I know three friends up there. I can fly! Now, I know I'm okay on a plane after flying back home after Dreamstate. Hoping I can deal with airports on my own... Must book flights soon...
I also want to visit Seattle just because. I want to visit my friend Summer in Santa Barbara; I've never driven down the PCH, and so I look forward to this. Also going to visit a couple of other folks sprinkled about the US. Matt wants to go to Hawaii for his birthday; so that may be a trip I'm planning to do too. I just read a blog about how a guy travelled across the US by train for a couple hundred dollars. That also sounds intriguing.
Travel plans are a reason I want to cut back on raving. Another important one is family. Rough times right now. I feel like I should be ready to help financially. Although, I don't have that much to my name. I should still have something available in case of emergency.
I feel like a bad person. I say I want to help, but I also want to do all these fun things. I am not sure how to reconcile. I'm just moving forward with my plans and hoping that I'm doing right by myself and others.
----
In any case, my 2017 rave ticket budget is $850. I'd do a more detailed budget, but I think budgeting for just tickets is limiting enough haha.
So far, so good. Despite all the temptation, I have only spent a total of $160 for Crush SF in February and Untz Festival in June haha. I think by this time last year, I was set to go to five or six events by the end of March XD
I'm now trying to decide what one or two events I may add between February and June.
CRSSD: March 4-5 in San Diego, a city I have never visited. I like the lineup. Lots of small names I wanna see. About $165. Need to think about travel and lodging.
Beyond So Cal: March 25-26 in San Bernardino, which I've travelled to many times. Still waiting for the lineup. About $190. Travel and lodging can be booked through Insomniac.
Dreamstate: May 27-28 in SF, which I'm fairly familiar with. Won't know the lineup for a while. But this would be the cheapest choice. Usually about $150. Basic commute to SF. Although, it would also be the weekend before Untz. How much energy would I have?
I want to consider Shaky Beats in Atlanta because their lineup is amazing, but my math puts this event way over my budget, especially if I'm trying to spread out my events through the year. I'm also reminding myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't attend all these events. I was fine before I knew they existed. I must not give power to the fomo.
----
First world problems? Yeah, I know... <.<;;
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Always Making Changes
I'm always saying that I'm making changes, but I've been halfheartedly committing to the more difficult ones.
Just spent several hours with Vivi, who is visiting from Portland. Lots of listening, talking, venting, and being completely honest. Got a fresh perspective and an honest opinion. Acknowledged what's been going on and what changes I've really been wanting to make but been too afraid to do anything about.
I'm pretty sure I freaked out Vivi with some of the stuff I was saying. But really, talking to her helped me put my thoughts together.
Anyway, starting this week, I'm going to start implementing actual changes in my behavior and habits. As much as I want to just make sudden changes, I figure it's probably smarter to roll them out, so that I don't overwhelm myself. The sudden influx of changes in my life is what got me into the bad mental space that I've been living in the past few months.
I have a list of changes written down. Kinda like resolutions, but not really. Just more short-sighted goals that will hopefully contribute to a life-improving balance that I want to find. I won't be sharing the list with anyone. I want this to be mine only. At least for now. At the most, I'm going to ask people to hold me accountable. Just ask me how I'm doing with my changes. Am I doing better? I won't lie.
But yeah, I need to take better care of myself. I can't keep doing stupid things and running away from my problems. I need to stop running. I need to stand my ground. I want to have the strength to stand my ground and face my challenges.
I want to be happy with myself, as much as I was just a year ago. I want the happiness that I was able to give myself. It will happen somehow. I will make it happen. Slowly but surely.
----
Oh, celebrated NYE at a PopNYE. That was chill. A lot of unexpected things happened, I guess. Nothing seriously bad. I kissed a cute girl, whom I had just met that day, at midnight. It was nice. I got to cross NYE kiss off my bucket list haha. Danced with her all night. It was great. It was nice to have someone there with me. Someone who seemed like she really wanted to dance with me. Someone to hold me. Someone to kiss. Someone who just seemed interested. It's been a long time since I've been in any kind of situation like this, you know, with mutual interest involved haha. So it was a very pleasant surprise.
At the end of the night, she asked for my number. I may have mistyped it. Luckily, Facebook is a thing. Anyway, I was pretty hopeful about this for a day or two. But now, I'm just kinda mellowing out about it. She contacted me once but didn't continue the conversation. I texted her once, and again she didn't continue the conversation. I'm trying not to read into it. She could be busy, or she might not be interested. I'm just going to keep myself content with the thought that NYE was pretty amazing and we had fun together.
Just spent several hours with Vivi, who is visiting from Portland. Lots of listening, talking, venting, and being completely honest. Got a fresh perspective and an honest opinion. Acknowledged what's been going on and what changes I've really been wanting to make but been too afraid to do anything about.
I'm pretty sure I freaked out Vivi with some of the stuff I was saying. But really, talking to her helped me put my thoughts together.
Anyway, starting this week, I'm going to start implementing actual changes in my behavior and habits. As much as I want to just make sudden changes, I figure it's probably smarter to roll them out, so that I don't overwhelm myself. The sudden influx of changes in my life is what got me into the bad mental space that I've been living in the past few months.
I have a list of changes written down. Kinda like resolutions, but not really. Just more short-sighted goals that will hopefully contribute to a life-improving balance that I want to find. I won't be sharing the list with anyone. I want this to be mine only. At least for now. At the most, I'm going to ask people to hold me accountable. Just ask me how I'm doing with my changes. Am I doing better? I won't lie.
But yeah, I need to take better care of myself. I can't keep doing stupid things and running away from my problems. I need to stop running. I need to stand my ground. I want to have the strength to stand my ground and face my challenges.
I want to be happy with myself, as much as I was just a year ago. I want the happiness that I was able to give myself. It will happen somehow. I will make it happen. Slowly but surely.
----
Oh, celebrated NYE at a PopNYE. That was chill. A lot of unexpected things happened, I guess. Nothing seriously bad. I kissed a cute girl, whom I had just met that day, at midnight. It was nice. I got to cross NYE kiss off my bucket list haha. Danced with her all night. It was great. It was nice to have someone there with me. Someone who seemed like she really wanted to dance with me. Someone to hold me. Someone to kiss. Someone who just seemed interested. It's been a long time since I've been in any kind of situation like this, you know, with mutual interest involved haha. So it was a very pleasant surprise.
At the end of the night, she asked for my number. I may have mistyped it. Luckily, Facebook is a thing. Anyway, I was pretty hopeful about this for a day or two. But now, I'm just kinda mellowing out about it. She contacted me once but didn't continue the conversation. I texted her once, and again she didn't continue the conversation. I'm trying not to read into it. She could be busy, or she might not be interested. I'm just going to keep myself content with the thought that NYE was pretty amazing and we had fun together.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013 has begun.
So I welcomed 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, Chau, and Vivi. It was a good start to the year :) We missed the countdown by seven seconds. But hey, they had their champagne, and I got my juice box :D It was all good. Though, I have to add that Shiva was messing with me at some points in the night -w- Trying to embarrass me and all. Pssh. Rude! XP
I had started NYE with a late lunch/early dinner with my family and Karina. Brother dropped me off at SJSU around 7pm, and I walked around campus. Parked myself on a bench near the Event Center and reminisced. It's been so long since I've been on campus. And even longer since I've been there at night. It was nice. Cold but nice. I worked on a sudoku puzzle for like an hour haha. When I finished it, I looked up at the sky and watched something slowly move across the sky.
A cop drove by in his car and turned on one of his sirens. It startled me. I looked around to see if something was happening. But nothing was happening. The cop was looking at me. Then he drove away o_o I think he thought I was sleeping on the bench -_- I'm not a bum. Also, he made me lose sight of the thing I was watching -_-"
When I realized I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I walked around some more. I ended up sitting near Fourth and San Carlos. Some guy, who was walking by, asked me, "Where the weed at?" I just smiled my awkward smile and shook my head. He continued with "You dunno where the weed at?" and sighed, while walking away with his female companion, who just glanced at me and didn't say anything.
Eventually, Vivi met up with me on campus around 8:20, and we went to Christmas in the Park for a bit. Second to last day that it was open. No preachers shouting at passersby. Small crowd. It was a nice change from what I've experienced in past years. I liked soaking in the atmosphere, even though Christmas had passed. I think I'm trying to make up for all those years in childhood that I wanted to go to the park but never got to. So though I don't always pay attention to everything that Christmas in the Park has to offer, I greatly enjoy being there and just getting my fill of whatever holiday spirit I can find. And it's always nice to share this experience with someone else :)
So afterward, Vivi and I reparked her car in another parking garage because there wasn't an overnight option in the school parking garage -_- There used to be when I used to drive to school. I felt bad because Vivi had to pay twice as much to park for the night >: But what's done is done -.-
Then we went to Shiva's apartment, where everyone else had already assembled.
Mai poured me some champagne without asking me, and I told her I wasn't going to drink :P Not until the end of March. She was disappointed(?) haha. When I say I'm gonna do something (or not do it), I mean it (now, at least. I used to say I wouldn't drink but then end up drinking anyway).
I pointed out that I was breaking my tradition of celebrating NYE with people I haven't celebrated with before because Shiva and Harrison were there. But it was also pointed out that I had never celebrated with Vivi <.< Mai >.> or Chau <.< So I guess my tradition is only half broken(?) haha >.> It doesn't really matter. I had fun; so like I said, it was all good.
We all snacked on cookies, some veggie nugget thing that I don't remember the name of, veggies with ranch, apples, cuties, and cheese and crackers.
Vivi attempted to stack some apples to make a snowman... err... Apple-man? Apple-and-cutie-man? Fruit-man? She succeeded haha. There are pictures. Then Chau attempted and succeeded at stacking on more. Again, there are pictures. Eventually, they all toppled though XP
There were plenty of photos taken last night. Silly and happy photos. Pictures of me hiding from the cameras. Pictures of Mai striking poses. Picture of Harrison planking on my arm. Picture of Harrison leaning his head on my arm while his butt was in the air. There is picture evidence of Vivi kicking me in the knee haha. But it was because Chau had been tickling her. I was just an innocent bystander... Bysitter? I was sitting next to Vivi when it happened.
We tried to do the countdown in Shiva's room on her computer, but technical difficulties made us miss it by seven seconds. But it was ok. We still clinked our drinks. Then we watched New Year's videos. First from NYC. Then from across the world. Made me remember I wanna share a New Year's kiss with someone special one of these years. I will. I'm determined :P Before I die, damn it.
After the year started, we spent the rest of the night just talking in Shiva's room, and there was more picture-taking. I think Mai slept through much of this part of the night haha. Chau gave Vivi a massage. Shiva gave Chau a massage. This led to a conversation about our friend Billy getting a massage from Shiva and moaning because it felt so good haha.
I was tired, and I wanted to plop into sleep. But the conversation was just so interesting XP Eventually, I became very awake but still tired.
Around 3am, Vivi and Chau left. Long goodbyes with relatively long hugs haha. Harrison crashed on living room floor, and I got the futon. (I'm going to have to get used to this futon.) I couldn't sleep. So I turned on my iPod and listened to Phillip Phillips :D His music helps me sleep -nodnod- Got a text from Vivi around 3:30am, letting me know she got home safely. Listened to Phillip Phillips some more. Passed out at some point.
Woke up at 8:40am. Tried to go back to sleep. I did a few times. But then I was just awake. Eventually, Harrison and I both got up, sat together on the futon, and just talked for a while. Cuddle buddy! :) Then at some point, Shiva came out to the living room and plopped on me. Mai left for a family engagement. Shiva, Harrison, and I talked and eventually walked to Flames. Good food. I couldn't finish though >:
Went back to the apartment and chilled. Shiva was packing for India. She's gonna be there for less than a month O: !! And I might move into her apartment while she's gone. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, our morning/afternoon was fun. Interesting conversations and observations about people <.< I dunno what I'm supposed to do with this information. I dunnoooo. My braaaiin... It wishes it were better at interpreting people's behavior and situations -sigh- Oh well.
Ok, yeah, that's pretty much all the fun stuff of the last 26ish hours of my life. Spent time with some friends who are special to me. Got to enjoy being in their presence. It felt great!
Now, onward with 2013!
I had started NYE with a late lunch/early dinner with my family and Karina. Brother dropped me off at SJSU around 7pm, and I walked around campus. Parked myself on a bench near the Event Center and reminisced. It's been so long since I've been on campus. And even longer since I've been there at night. It was nice. Cold but nice. I worked on a sudoku puzzle for like an hour haha. When I finished it, I looked up at the sky and watched something slowly move across the sky.
A cop drove by in his car and turned on one of his sirens. It startled me. I looked around to see if something was happening. But nothing was happening. The cop was looking at me. Then he drove away o_o I think he thought I was sleeping on the bench -_- I'm not a bum. Also, he made me lose sight of the thing I was watching -_-"
When I realized I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I walked around some more. I ended up sitting near Fourth and San Carlos. Some guy, who was walking by, asked me, "Where the weed at?" I just smiled my awkward smile and shook my head. He continued with "You dunno where the weed at?" and sighed, while walking away with his female companion, who just glanced at me and didn't say anything.
Eventually, Vivi met up with me on campus around 8:20, and we went to Christmas in the Park for a bit. Second to last day that it was open. No preachers shouting at passersby. Small crowd. It was a nice change from what I've experienced in past years. I liked soaking in the atmosphere, even though Christmas had passed. I think I'm trying to make up for all those years in childhood that I wanted to go to the park but never got to. So though I don't always pay attention to everything that Christmas in the Park has to offer, I greatly enjoy being there and just getting my fill of whatever holiday spirit I can find. And it's always nice to share this experience with someone else :)
So afterward, Vivi and I reparked her car in another parking garage because there wasn't an overnight option in the school parking garage -_- There used to be when I used to drive to school. I felt bad because Vivi had to pay twice as much to park for the night >: But what's done is done -.-
Then we went to Shiva's apartment, where everyone else had already assembled.
Mai poured me some champagne without asking me, and I told her I wasn't going to drink :P Not until the end of March. She was disappointed(?) haha. When I say I'm gonna do something (or not do it), I mean it (now, at least. I used to say I wouldn't drink but then end up drinking anyway).
I pointed out that I was breaking my tradition of celebrating NYE with people I haven't celebrated with before because Shiva and Harrison were there. But it was also pointed out that I had never celebrated with Vivi <.< Mai >.> or Chau <.< So I guess my tradition is only half broken(?) haha >.> It doesn't really matter. I had fun; so like I said, it was all good.
We all snacked on cookies, some veggie nugget thing that I don't remember the name of, veggies with ranch, apples, cuties, and cheese and crackers.
Vivi attempted to stack some apples to make a snowman... err... Apple-man? Apple-and-cutie-man? Fruit-man? She succeeded haha. There are pictures. Then Chau attempted and succeeded at stacking on more. Again, there are pictures. Eventually, they all toppled though XP
There were plenty of photos taken last night. Silly and happy photos. Pictures of me hiding from the cameras. Pictures of Mai striking poses. Picture of Harrison planking on my arm. Picture of Harrison leaning his head on my arm while his butt was in the air. There is picture evidence of Vivi kicking me in the knee haha. But it was because Chau had been tickling her. I was just an innocent bystander... Bysitter? I was sitting next to Vivi when it happened.
We tried to do the countdown in Shiva's room on her computer, but technical difficulties made us miss it by seven seconds. But it was ok. We still clinked our drinks. Then we watched New Year's videos. First from NYC. Then from across the world. Made me remember I wanna share a New Year's kiss with someone special one of these years. I will. I'm determined :P Before I die, damn it.
After the year started, we spent the rest of the night just talking in Shiva's room, and there was more picture-taking. I think Mai slept through much of this part of the night haha. Chau gave Vivi a massage. Shiva gave Chau a massage. This led to a conversation about our friend Billy getting a massage from Shiva and moaning because it felt so good haha.
I was tired, and I wanted to plop into sleep. But the conversation was just so interesting XP Eventually, I became very awake but still tired.
Around 3am, Vivi and Chau left. Long goodbyes with relatively long hugs haha. Harrison crashed on living room floor, and I got the futon. (I'm going to have to get used to this futon.) I couldn't sleep. So I turned on my iPod and listened to Phillip Phillips :D His music helps me sleep -nodnod- Got a text from Vivi around 3:30am, letting me know she got home safely. Listened to Phillip Phillips some more. Passed out at some point.
Woke up at 8:40am. Tried to go back to sleep. I did a few times. But then I was just awake. Eventually, Harrison and I both got up, sat together on the futon, and just talked for a while. Cuddle buddy! :) Then at some point, Shiva came out to the living room and plopped on me. Mai left for a family engagement. Shiva, Harrison, and I talked and eventually walked to Flames. Good food. I couldn't finish though >:
Went back to the apartment and chilled. Shiva was packing for India. She's gonna be there for less than a month O: !! And I might move into her apartment while she's gone. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, our morning/afternoon was fun. Interesting conversations and observations about people <.< I dunno what I'm supposed to do with this information. I dunnoooo. My braaaiin... It wishes it were better at interpreting people's behavior and situations -sigh- Oh well.
Ok, yeah, that's pretty much all the fun stuff of the last 26ish hours of my life. Spent time with some friends who are special to me. Got to enjoy being in their presence. It felt great!
Now, onward with 2013!
Monday, December 31, 2012
New Year's 2013
2012 is coming to a close. It's been an awesome year. I hope 2013 will be just as epic and amazing.
I know 2013 will be full of changes, just like 2012 was. This year, I've made a lot of personal changes. I'm really looking forward to starting 2013.
I also know a few of my closest friends will be leaving San Jose next year. I guess I'll have to get used to it. It will be like graduating from high school and starting college all over again. I can only wish the the best for my friends and hope we keep in touch.
Eventually, I'll make my own home in another city. For now, I'll just be happy for my friends and for myself.
Anyway, 2013, so exciting. Every new year is always exciting :)
I'll be greeting 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, maybe Brian, maybe Chau, and Vivi tonight. So I guess I won't continue my trend of celebrating the new year with different people. Oh well.
Ah, just excited. Can't think haha.
Happy New Year, everyone! :)
I know 2013 will be full of changes, just like 2012 was. This year, I've made a lot of personal changes. I'm really looking forward to starting 2013.
I also know a few of my closest friends will be leaving San Jose next year. I guess I'll have to get used to it. It will be like graduating from high school and starting college all over again. I can only wish the the best for my friends and hope we keep in touch.
Eventually, I'll make my own home in another city. For now, I'll just be happy for my friends and for myself.
Anyway, 2013, so exciting. Every new year is always exciting :)
I'll be greeting 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, maybe Brian, maybe Chau, and Vivi tonight. So I guess I won't continue my trend of celebrating the new year with different people. Oh well.
Ah, just excited. Can't think haha.
Happy New Year, everyone! :)
Sunday, November 25, 2012
What to do to bring in 2013?
2009, I partied with Ariane and her dance friends.
2010, I celebrated with Harrison and his friends.
2011, I skyped with Shiva and her friend.
2012, I hung out with Autumn, Maggie, Elora, and others.
For 2013, I think I just wanna chill with someone different. Keep the trend going.
My hopeful romantic side wants a New Year's kiss :P
Ideally, I just want to celebrate New Year's with someone special.
Realistically, I might end up just celebrating with people I've celebrated with before.
What a dilemma. (No, no, it isn't)
Hmm, we'll see what happens this time around. Maybe something surprising and unexpected will happen :D
As long as it's exciting and memorable, I'll be happy :)
2010, I celebrated with Harrison and his friends.
2011, I skyped with Shiva and her friend.
2012, I hung out with Autumn, Maggie, Elora, and others.
For 2013, I think I just wanna chill with someone different. Keep the trend going.
My hopeful romantic side wants a New Year's kiss :P
Ideally, I just want to celebrate New Year's with someone special.
Realistically, I might end up just celebrating with people I've celebrated with before.
What a dilemma. (No, no, it isn't)
Hmm, we'll see what happens this time around. Maybe something surprising and unexpected will happen :D
As long as it's exciting and memorable, I'll be happy :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
End of 2011
I can't believe this year is already coming to a close.
It's been a hectic year. Lots of ups and downs as usual. Maybe more downs than I'm used to. But I've learned along the way. I just hope I remember the lessons XD
I'm still sad that I haven't been updating much; therefore, I remember less of the past couple of months than I could if I had updated. Oh well. Don't know if I'll update more often or not. Probably not. We'll see. Will try not to let this blog die. Revive it every once in a while with memories.
But tonight, I will welcome 2012 with some amazing friends and a movie :) And plenty of catch-up time.
Resolutions... Hmm, I haven't really thought of many or any, really. But here's a small list:
Get a job (How long have I been trying now?)
Stress less
Learn how to constructively express my anger (Instead of holding it in to the point of tears)
Be more open (Fewer secrets. Yeah, I've done this one before, and I've since regressed)
I'm sure I'll think of more some other time. But now I gotta go chill with some cool people.
Happy New Year, everyone! Love y'all. Let's get this new year started, yee yee!
It's been a hectic year. Lots of ups and downs as usual. Maybe more downs than I'm used to. But I've learned along the way. I just hope I remember the lessons XD
I'm still sad that I haven't been updating much; therefore, I remember less of the past couple of months than I could if I had updated. Oh well. Don't know if I'll update more often or not. Probably not. We'll see. Will try not to let this blog die. Revive it every once in a while with memories.
But tonight, I will welcome 2012 with some amazing friends and a movie :) And plenty of catch-up time.
Resolutions... Hmm, I haven't really thought of many or any, really. But here's a small list:
Get a job (How long have I been trying now?)
Stress less
Learn how to constructively express my anger (Instead of holding it in to the point of tears)
Be more open (Fewer secrets. Yeah, I've done this one before, and I've since regressed)
I'm sure I'll think of more some other time. But now I gotta go chill with some cool people.
Happy New Year, everyone! Love y'all. Let's get this new year started, yee yee!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy 2011!
It's a good start to a new year. Shiva and I have ended 2010 and started 2011 together on Skype haha. Along with her friend Adam. With some small fireworks and the ball drop on TV.
The last two days of 2010 were two of the hardest, but they were days I needed. I'm learning things I need to know.
I'm hoping 2011 will be a good year for my family and friends. I know 2010 wasn't the best for a lot of them, but they've certainly gotten through it all somehow. And I'm glad that we all made it to the new year alive and well, or at least I hope so. The new year means a new start, I guess. I hope we all take the new start to heart :)
Anyway, I'm watching Shiva and Adam light more fireworks (double fountains haha) before they go off to light some of the bigger ones in some parking lot haha. On Skype, because they're outside, I get like freeze frames of the fireworks. Mostly, I either see bright lines dancing in the air or bright rock-like shapes morphing on the ground as they poop out residue (snake and worm fireworks). Or giant sea anemones (rain dance) haha. The Golden Shower >_> looks like a volcano.
Ahh, I wish I could be there with Shiva to welcome the new year with a kiss and a hug. Ah, we will have future new years to come, I hope :)
So anyway, yeah, this is my New Year's. I thought it wasn't gonna be great because I wouldn't be out of the house. My plan had been to go out and call Shiva. But you know what? This is great. I get to see my beautiful girl, "chill" with people, and no have to deal with the apparently horrible smell that goes along with lighting fireworks :P
I don't think I've got more to say other than I'm glad to make a new friend, even though I have met him once during the summer.
So I hope y'all had a great start to the new year. I hope you have a great year with a wonderful beginning, middle, and end :) I hope to spend some of it with all of you. Many of us are turning 21 this year. I know 21 is supposed to be a milestone in people's lives, at least here in the US. So I hope I can celebrate your milestones with you. If not, I'll be there in spirit haha.
Stay safe, keep warm, keep cool, don't drink and drive, plus all those other well-meaning warnings. May you all achieve great fortune and chill memories.
Happy New Year!
Peace, Love, and (not) Cankersores XD
Instead, I say.... Peace, Love, and All That Is Awesome :P
The last two days of 2010 were two of the hardest, but they were days I needed. I'm learning things I need to know.
I'm hoping 2011 will be a good year for my family and friends. I know 2010 wasn't the best for a lot of them, but they've certainly gotten through it all somehow. And I'm glad that we all made it to the new year alive and well, or at least I hope so. The new year means a new start, I guess. I hope we all take the new start to heart :)
Anyway, I'm watching Shiva and Adam light more fireworks (double fountains haha) before they go off to light some of the bigger ones in some parking lot haha. On Skype, because they're outside, I get like freeze frames of the fireworks. Mostly, I either see bright lines dancing in the air or bright rock-like shapes morphing on the ground as they poop out residue (snake and worm fireworks). Or giant sea anemones (rain dance) haha. The Golden Shower >_> looks like a volcano.
Ahh, I wish I could be there with Shiva to welcome the new year with a kiss and a hug. Ah, we will have future new years to come, I hope :)
So anyway, yeah, this is my New Year's. I thought it wasn't gonna be great because I wouldn't be out of the house. My plan had been to go out and call Shiva. But you know what? This is great. I get to see my beautiful girl, "chill" with people, and no have to deal with the apparently horrible smell that goes along with lighting fireworks :P
I don't think I've got more to say other than I'm glad to make a new friend, even though I have met him once during the summer.
So I hope y'all had a great start to the new year. I hope you have a great year with a wonderful beginning, middle, and end :) I hope to spend some of it with all of you. Many of us are turning 21 this year. I know 21 is supposed to be a milestone in people's lives, at least here in the US. So I hope I can celebrate your milestones with you. If not, I'll be there in spirit haha.
Stay safe, keep warm, keep cool, don't drink and drive, plus all those other well-meaning warnings. May you all achieve great fortune and chill memories.
Happy New Year!
Peace, Love, and (not) Cankersores XD
Instead, I say.... Peace, Love, and All That Is Awesome :P
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Nearing the end of Fall 2010
Tomorrow's my last day of classes. Then three days of finals next week: Monday, Thursday, and Friday. That's gonna be fun. At least my hardest final will be out of the way on Monday.
This week has been ok so far. Haven't done too much.
Turned in my term paper for 100W today. Oh, one of my classmates, Kenya, had to do a presentation (the last one), and she was just having a lot of trouble with stuff. Stuff was falling out of her backpack, her laptop was dying, the projector wouldn't connect to her laptop, emailing her powerpoint to another classmate took the longest time, and Kenya was just really frustrated and stuff. I felt bad, but I didn't know how to help ):
Mm, tomorrow, I have Social Theory and Philosophy of Religion, yay. Will probably get the take-home final for Philosophy.
I'm so happy I don't have any homework to worry about tonight. I'll start worrying about finals this weekend XD
Gender Bender Dance thingy this Saturday, yay! Though, I'm not sure how much I'll enjoy it if my headache and back ache don't go away D:
Ahh, I feel like Winter Break is gonna go by just as fast as this past semester has. At the least, I hope I feel well-rested when school starts at the end of January.
Anyway, Christmas is getting closer. Do I have a wish list this year? No, not really. I need shoes and underwear. Then I'll be set for the new year haha.
Today, I found out that my shoes, particularly my left, are worn at the heel and ball of the foot. It was raining today. I avoided the puddles, but I could feel the bottom of the toes of my foot and my sock getting wet really quickly -_- With no puddles around, I'd take a few steps, and my sock would get wet in the same spot. So this Friday, Shiva and I are planning to go to the mall, so that I can buy new shoes. These Fallen shoes have only lasted about a year and a half :O Not that long, even though I usually get new shoes every year.
But seriously, I don't wanna ask for anything this year. I dunno what to ask for either. I am quite happy with what (and whom) I have now. I'm relatively happy, especially at this time of the year, even if Brother isn't home to celebrate holidays and birthdays with.
Anyway, I guess, for Christmas this year, I want... to be happy, to not be so stressed out about school, family, and life. If I could have that for Christmas Day, I think I'll be okay.
2011 coming soon... in about three weeks :O So soon. Ahhh... crazy. I wonder if I'll partake in any New Year's festivities. If I do, I'm sure I won't drink alcohol at all.
Resolutions? Probably none. Or one or two. I remember I said that I would probably try to stay away from making a list of resolutions. Though, I still have my 2010 list in my wallet. I think I've actually accomplished more than half of them :) Yay.
If I decide to make a resolution or two, what should I try to accomplish by the start of 2012? Not gonna say "get a girlfriend" XD haha 'cause I already got an amazing and beautiful girl :3 Maybe I should try "find a job" again haha. "Go to Anime Expo 2011" XD "Apply for graduation. Make plans for post-grad." "Read more books," though it seems I'm gonna have plenty to read next semester x_x Oh, I know a good resolution: "Make Shiva happy." :) That sounds like a good one, doesn't it? I think so.
I'll put up my resolution(s) by New Year's Eve. Probably.
Anyway, I should go to bed soon. Should sleep early-ish for once haha...
This week has been ok so far. Haven't done too much.
Turned in my term paper for 100W today. Oh, one of my classmates, Kenya, had to do a presentation (the last one), and she was just having a lot of trouble with stuff. Stuff was falling out of her backpack, her laptop was dying, the projector wouldn't connect to her laptop, emailing her powerpoint to another classmate took the longest time, and Kenya was just really frustrated and stuff. I felt bad, but I didn't know how to help ):
Mm, tomorrow, I have Social Theory and Philosophy of Religion, yay. Will probably get the take-home final for Philosophy.
I'm so happy I don't have any homework to worry about tonight. I'll start worrying about finals this weekend XD
Gender Bender Dance thingy this Saturday, yay! Though, I'm not sure how much I'll enjoy it if my headache and back ache don't go away D:
Ahh, I feel like Winter Break is gonna go by just as fast as this past semester has. At the least, I hope I feel well-rested when school starts at the end of January.
Anyway, Christmas is getting closer. Do I have a wish list this year? No, not really. I need shoes and underwear. Then I'll be set for the new year haha.
Today, I found out that my shoes, particularly my left, are worn at the heel and ball of the foot. It was raining today. I avoided the puddles, but I could feel the bottom of the toes of my foot and my sock getting wet really quickly -_- With no puddles around, I'd take a few steps, and my sock would get wet in the same spot. So this Friday, Shiva and I are planning to go to the mall, so that I can buy new shoes. These Fallen shoes have only lasted about a year and a half :O Not that long, even though I usually get new shoes every year.
But seriously, I don't wanna ask for anything this year. I dunno what to ask for either. I am quite happy with what (and whom) I have now. I'm relatively happy, especially at this time of the year, even if Brother isn't home to celebrate holidays and birthdays with.
Anyway, I guess, for Christmas this year, I want... to be happy, to not be so stressed out about school, family, and life. If I could have that for Christmas Day, I think I'll be okay.
2011 coming soon... in about three weeks :O So soon. Ahhh... crazy. I wonder if I'll partake in any New Year's festivities. If I do, I'm sure I won't drink alcohol at all.
Resolutions? Probably none. Or one or two. I remember I said that I would probably try to stay away from making a list of resolutions. Though, I still have my 2010 list in my wallet. I think I've actually accomplished more than half of them :) Yay.
If I decide to make a resolution or two, what should I try to accomplish by the start of 2012? Not gonna say "get a girlfriend" XD haha 'cause I already got an amazing and beautiful girl :3 Maybe I should try "find a job" again haha. "Go to Anime Expo 2011" XD "Apply for graduation. Make plans for post-grad." "Read more books," though it seems I'm gonna have plenty to read next semester x_x Oh, I know a good resolution: "Make Shiva happy." :) That sounds like a good one, doesn't it? I think so.
I'll put up my resolution(s) by New Year's Eve. Probably.
Anyway, I should go to bed soon. Should sleep early-ish for once haha...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I'm feeling lightheaded.
Monday is a furlough, but I still have to show up to campus for a class. Since my French instructor is only a TA, the furloughs don't affect her. I thought a campus-wide furlough meant all the classrooms and buildings would be closed, but I guess not.
So the past two or so days, I've been catching up on homework. I still have six assignments to either start or finish this weekend. I don't even know when two of those assignments are due XP because my profs never said anything about the due dates.
This past week has been all right. Nothing too exciting. But it was a fun week. Denny's on Tuesday with Brian and Shiva at 7 in the morning. And I actually had to show up to my Sociology class on Tuesday and Thursday.
Haven't posted to this blog since Sunday because I figure you don't need to know what I'm doing every day. Nor do I really care to remember every single detail. I mean, before, I was compulsive about updating every day, I guess. But I should break the habit. I feel incomplete when I don't update. That's not a good thing. Plus, I'm on campus for most of my awake time. So yeah.
This past week, I've been thinking about what I want to update about. I'm not really sure. I mean, there were things I wanted to update about, but then I forgot about them -shrug-
I don't know what to post about. I could update about my everyday stuff, but they're not that interesting. Really, on school days, I'm just going to class, walking with Lisa, Amy, Christine, and/or Albert, chillin' with Brian and Shiva, and doing homework. Nothing too interesting to share. Or interesting enough to share, but I don't make 'em seem very interesting.
Haha everything's interesting in my head. I just can't make 'em sound interesting outside of my head. Like, I can take pleasure in just being around friends, but I can't explain why that's so. No need for conversation anymore, and I can still have a good time -shrug- Maybe I'm just weird like that.
Lately, I've been finding it more difficult to talk to friends. I mean, I'm literally not saying much if anything at all, especially in the morning. Compared to last semester, I'm saying way less in the morning. I'm listening a lot more than usual. I'm not contributing much. I don't know why. Hm. Maybe I'm just really tired.
I've also been much more agitated. I just get so angry with Mother. Brother, not so much only because I see him like once a day, usually before I go to bed.
Mother has been pointing out that I've been very rude and disrespectful toward her. I know I have been. I haven't been putting myself in check when I talk to her for the past two weeks. I just can't stand how she talks to me now. Just as I'm sure she can't stand how I talk to her. Feels like a war. Neither side wants to compromise. Neither side trusts the other.
I don't know how to talk to her. I think about it, but nothing ever turns out right in my head.
She's making assumptions and accusations. I'm quick to lose my patience. I haven't yelled at her, but I've been acting as if she doesn't deserve the respect that a parent should receive from her child. She's been yelling at me, but she's also trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I know.
I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now. A part of me wants to be angry at her for not going about this situation the "right" way. Another part of me wants to forgive her and just try to be the good daughter I'm supposed to be. Then there are other parts of me that want other (extreme) things.
You know, we could totally fix this problem if she would just listen to me, if I would just listen to her. If we could make a compromise, we could get along better. But every compromise we've made so far has been forgotten or broken.
For the past week, I've been thinking about me and my life in the context of all the lives around me. I know what I've been thinking. Or maybe I don't, since I can't find the right words. The words I say aloud always sound wrong.
Blaahh. My head is just... grr... Ineffable. The thoughts and the feelings, just ineffable.
You know what I've been wishing? That I was mute. I would just have to listen. I wouldn't have to talk. I could frustrate people for not talking, but they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It wouldn't be a choice on my part. Now, because I can speak, when I don't talk, I know it annoys people. Really, I just don't feeling like talking.
As much as I don't wanna listen to all the negative shit in this world, I don't ever wanna be deaf. I still love music. Instead, I'd prefer it if people just stop complaining. Maybe I'd stop complaining. Hm.
If I was blind, I wouldn't mind. Not seeing. I don't see things anyway. I see people. If I was blind, maybe I'd finally see things and people for what they really are. Sight blinds me.
Is there ever a point to any of my entries?
Tomorrow's Lunar New Year. Yay. D's coming over :) I didn't really get to see him last weekend 'cause I was out. Tomorrow, though, I'll be home.
If tomorrow is a good start to the year, I'll update about it. Though, my mom is already paranoid about the new year because she read one of those Vietnamese Buddhist prediction book things. Apparently, this year of the tiger will be bad for me. I will be betrayed or swindled by friends. This would explain a lot of things my mom's been saying to me about the friends I have.
Lots of other things I wanna talk about. But I won't. Not now. They make me feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity.
Blah. Hopefully, tomorrow, a new (lunar) year will refresh me. Usually does, just like the solar new year does.
-sigh- I'm gonna be honest. Right now, all I want to do is to stop thinking, to sleep, to dream a nice dream. What I really want is a nice, long hug from someone who really cares and won't let go. haha :P I'm just kidding. I just need a break. I just wanna lie down on the ground, look up at the ceiling (or the sky), and listen to the quiet/wind/background noise.
So the past two or so days, I've been catching up on homework. I still have six assignments to either start or finish this weekend. I don't even know when two of those assignments are due XP because my profs never said anything about the due dates.
This past week has been all right. Nothing too exciting. But it was a fun week. Denny's on Tuesday with Brian and Shiva at 7 in the morning. And I actually had to show up to my Sociology class on Tuesday and Thursday.
Haven't posted to this blog since Sunday because I figure you don't need to know what I'm doing every day. Nor do I really care to remember every single detail. I mean, before, I was compulsive about updating every day, I guess. But I should break the habit. I feel incomplete when I don't update. That's not a good thing. Plus, I'm on campus for most of my awake time. So yeah.
This past week, I've been thinking about what I want to update about. I'm not really sure. I mean, there were things I wanted to update about, but then I forgot about them -shrug-
I don't know what to post about. I could update about my everyday stuff, but they're not that interesting. Really, on school days, I'm just going to class, walking with Lisa, Amy, Christine, and/or Albert, chillin' with Brian and Shiva, and doing homework. Nothing too interesting to share. Or interesting enough to share, but I don't make 'em seem very interesting.
Haha everything's interesting in my head. I just can't make 'em sound interesting outside of my head. Like, I can take pleasure in just being around friends, but I can't explain why that's so. No need for conversation anymore, and I can still have a good time -shrug- Maybe I'm just weird like that.
Lately, I've been finding it more difficult to talk to friends. I mean, I'm literally not saying much if anything at all, especially in the morning. Compared to last semester, I'm saying way less in the morning. I'm listening a lot more than usual. I'm not contributing much. I don't know why. Hm. Maybe I'm just really tired.
I've also been much more agitated. I just get so angry with Mother. Brother, not so much only because I see him like once a day, usually before I go to bed.
Mother has been pointing out that I've been very rude and disrespectful toward her. I know I have been. I haven't been putting myself in check when I talk to her for the past two weeks. I just can't stand how she talks to me now. Just as I'm sure she can't stand how I talk to her. Feels like a war. Neither side wants to compromise. Neither side trusts the other.
I don't know how to talk to her. I think about it, but nothing ever turns out right in my head.
She's making assumptions and accusations. I'm quick to lose my patience. I haven't yelled at her, but I've been acting as if she doesn't deserve the respect that a parent should receive from her child. She's been yelling at me, but she's also trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I know.
I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now. A part of me wants to be angry at her for not going about this situation the "right" way. Another part of me wants to forgive her and just try to be the good daughter I'm supposed to be. Then there are other parts of me that want other (extreme) things.
You know, we could totally fix this problem if she would just listen to me, if I would just listen to her. If we could make a compromise, we could get along better. But every compromise we've made so far has been forgotten or broken.
For the past week, I've been thinking about me and my life in the context of all the lives around me. I know what I've been thinking. Or maybe I don't, since I can't find the right words. The words I say aloud always sound wrong.
Blaahh. My head is just... grr... Ineffable. The thoughts and the feelings, just ineffable.
You know what I've been wishing? That I was mute. I would just have to listen. I wouldn't have to talk. I could frustrate people for not talking, but they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It wouldn't be a choice on my part. Now, because I can speak, when I don't talk, I know it annoys people. Really, I just don't feeling like talking.
As much as I don't wanna listen to all the negative shit in this world, I don't ever wanna be deaf. I still love music. Instead, I'd prefer it if people just stop complaining. Maybe I'd stop complaining. Hm.
If I was blind, I wouldn't mind. Not seeing. I don't see things anyway. I see people. If I was blind, maybe I'd finally see things and people for what they really are. Sight blinds me.
Is there ever a point to any of my entries?
Tomorrow's Lunar New Year. Yay. D's coming over :) I didn't really get to see him last weekend 'cause I was out. Tomorrow, though, I'll be home.
If tomorrow is a good start to the year, I'll update about it. Though, my mom is already paranoid about the new year because she read one of those Vietnamese Buddhist prediction book things. Apparently, this year of the tiger will be bad for me. I will be betrayed or swindled by friends. This would explain a lot of things my mom's been saying to me about the friends I have.
Lots of other things I wanna talk about. But I won't. Not now. They make me feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity.
Blah. Hopefully, tomorrow, a new (lunar) year will refresh me. Usually does, just like the solar new year does.
-sigh- I'm gonna be honest. Right now, all I want to do is to stop thinking, to sleep, to dream a nice dream. What I really want is a nice, long hug from someone who really cares and won't let go. haha :P I'm just kidding. I just need a break. I just wanna lie down on the ground, look up at the ceiling (or the sky), and listen to the quiet/wind/background noise.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010: "Twenty ten" or "Two thousand ten"
That seems to be the new debate of the year or something. According to NAGG (National Association of Good Grammar), it's supposed to be "twenty ten." But seriously, who friggin' cares? -__-
Anyway, last night/this morning was fun. I spent most of yesterday debating what I should do for the night. Decided I wouldn't go to Austin's party because, though I would have known more people there, I wasn't very close with any of them and I could see most of them at State. Decided not to hang out with Autumn :x because it seemed that no one else was going and Mother didn't want me to be downtown.
So by process of elimination, the logical conclusion was to go to Harrison's house. Though, I suppose I could have stayed home. That would have been logical too.
So how the night progressed, from leaving home to coming home:
First, I had to drive to East Side to drop off Brother's forgotten clothes at his friend's place. I didn't go straight to Harrison's afterward. Instead, I drove around downtown to waste some time because Harrison had to pick up his friends first. And damn, downtown was empty around 19h30-20h00.
Finally got a text from Harrison saying he was home, so I drove south. Got to his house around 20h20. Parked down the street.
So the party consisted mostly of Harrison's family, of course. Big Mexican families, you know. And three of Harrison's friends he knew from OG were there (Michael B, Anthony S, and Cindy L). And this was the turnout :P Maria didn't show up -_- Dang it. It's been almost a year since I last saw her. Anyway, the four of us were the only Asians in that house last night haha.
Let's see. Conversation revolved around actors and movies, horrors and thrillers. Lots of Mexican food. I didn't eat any because I always eat before I leave the house for a party or something haha. I'm weird like that. But I had some drink. I said I wouldn't touch alcohol, but I wanted to try some Baileys Irish Cream >_> Only 34 proof. Got like a shot's worth, mixed in root beer. About half an hour later, I tried a shot of Kahlua (40 proof). Again, mixed in root beer. Not strong stuff. And not a lot either. I was going to drive home. Yep. Barely any effect, just a tiny bit of warmth.
I had to mix in the root beer -_- I think I have an aversion now. From all the times I got sick from alcohol. I have an aversion not to alcohol but to the smell of alcohol. Seriously, one sniff and I feel nauseous now. And it's been a while since Halloween.
Anyway, after the food and drink, we all went upstairs to watch "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (though, only Anthony and Harrison really paid attention) and to play Uno. And Truth or Dare on the iTouch :D Played for a while. ToD wasn't that interesting. The Truth questions were lame XP The questions I had to answer: "What was your first kiss like?" and "Who is best dressed out of everyone in the room?" -_- My answers: "Never been kissed. Closest I've gotten was a girl gave me a kiss on the cheek" and "I am because my hat is awesome." Oh, you know which hat I was wearing ^__^
Took a break to sing Happy Birthday to Chris C (Harrison's brother, who looks nothing like him at all). Then back up to continue Uno.
At exactly 23h52, we went downstairs to the outside with Harrison's family. Waited, talked, laughed. There was no countdown D: I was saddened. But at exactly midnight, Harrison lit the first of the mini-sparkly-fireworks. Yeah, we all had our fun with the low-grade fireworks and sparklers haha. Ooh, and poppers, the ones that explode when you toss them at the ground or really any hard/semi-hard surface. Apparently, they can pop when you snap them as well.
We watched flare-like fireworks go into the air from different blocks. As we looked up at the blue moon, we all saw a visibly light ring around it. And Harrison began explaining the phenomenon.
A little while later, we saw something go across the sky. Harrison's cousins at first exclaimed that they were looking at a UFO. So the rest of us looked up. There was something bright orange in sky. It passed under the moon. Initially, some of us thought it was fireworks or something. But we decided that it was moving too slowly and too high to be one. It seemed to be going as fast as a plane that's about to land at the Mineta Airport. It could have been a lone meteor. But it wasn't a streak of light and it was visible for way too long. It looked more like a light from an airplane, but the light was too orange and a bit too wide. Then someone, remembering the attempted terrorist attack on Christmas day, suggested that it was an airplane on fire. It did look like it was going to drop toward the Earth once it had passed the moon for about six seconds. But it didn't. Instead, the bright orange started to flicker and then fizzled out. So it couldn't have been an airplane on fire, which wouldn't have sustained such a long length of time in the air.
Did you see this orange light in the sky? Neither a streak of light nor a burst of flame. Just a bright orange light that floated across the midnight sky.
Probably was a meteoroid.
Anyway, after all the meteoroid/sparkler fun, we went back inside. Back up to Harrison's room. Played Thirteen.
Then home at 01h30.
Last night was a lot more interesting than I made it seem haha. The conversations were just hilarious. Lots of innuendo and stuff haha. Oh yeah, Oliver (the puppy) kept biting my fingers and jacket -_- Anthony must have rubbed off his scent on me or something.
Ah, though not as packed as last year's New Year's party, I still had a lot of fun last night. Got to know three new people. Found out they all knew a few of my old friends from middle school :D I'm always excited by that haha. Meeting new friends who already know your other friends :P Small world. Such connectedness haha.
Anyway, yeah, good times, good times last night. New year now. Changes. Or improvements to be made. Started on my workout resolutions this morning ^_^ I'm proud of myself. Hopefully I stick to them this time haha.
And people, we need to chill this weekend before you all leave -nods-
And I'm already using up one hour of the Internet. Time for a break.
Happy 2010, folks :)
Anyway, last night/this morning was fun. I spent most of yesterday debating what I should do for the night. Decided I wouldn't go to Austin's party because, though I would have known more people there, I wasn't very close with any of them and I could see most of them at State. Decided not to hang out with Autumn :x because it seemed that no one else was going and Mother didn't want me to be downtown.
So by process of elimination, the logical conclusion was to go to Harrison's house. Though, I suppose I could have stayed home. That would have been logical too.
So how the night progressed, from leaving home to coming home:
First, I had to drive to East Side to drop off Brother's forgotten clothes at his friend's place. I didn't go straight to Harrison's afterward. Instead, I drove around downtown to waste some time because Harrison had to pick up his friends first. And damn, downtown was empty around 19h30-20h00.
Finally got a text from Harrison saying he was home, so I drove south. Got to his house around 20h20. Parked down the street.
So the party consisted mostly of Harrison's family, of course. Big Mexican families, you know. And three of Harrison's friends he knew from OG were there (Michael B, Anthony S, and Cindy L). And this was the turnout :P Maria didn't show up -_- Dang it. It's been almost a year since I last saw her. Anyway, the four of us were the only Asians in that house last night haha.
Let's see. Conversation revolved around actors and movies, horrors and thrillers. Lots of Mexican food. I didn't eat any because I always eat before I leave the house for a party or something haha. I'm weird like that. But I had some drink. I said I wouldn't touch alcohol, but I wanted to try some Baileys Irish Cream >_> Only 34 proof. Got like a shot's worth, mixed in root beer. About half an hour later, I tried a shot of Kahlua (40 proof). Again, mixed in root beer. Not strong stuff. And not a lot either. I was going to drive home. Yep. Barely any effect, just a tiny bit of warmth.
I had to mix in the root beer -_- I think I have an aversion now. From all the times I got sick from alcohol. I have an aversion not to alcohol but to the smell of alcohol. Seriously, one sniff and I feel nauseous now. And it's been a while since Halloween.
Anyway, after the food and drink, we all went upstairs to watch "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (though, only Anthony and Harrison really paid attention) and to play Uno. And Truth or Dare on the iTouch :D Played for a while. ToD wasn't that interesting. The Truth questions were lame XP The questions I had to answer: "What was your first kiss like?" and "Who is best dressed out of everyone in the room?" -_- My answers: "Never been kissed. Closest I've gotten was a girl gave me a kiss on the cheek" and "I am because my hat is awesome." Oh, you know which hat I was wearing ^__^
Took a break to sing Happy Birthday to Chris C (Harrison's brother, who looks nothing like him at all). Then back up to continue Uno.
At exactly 23h52, we went downstairs to the outside with Harrison's family. Waited, talked, laughed. There was no countdown D: I was saddened. But at exactly midnight, Harrison lit the first of the mini-sparkly-fireworks. Yeah, we all had our fun with the low-grade fireworks and sparklers haha. Ooh, and poppers, the ones that explode when you toss them at the ground or really any hard/semi-hard surface. Apparently, they can pop when you snap them as well.
We watched flare-like fireworks go into the air from different blocks. As we looked up at the blue moon, we all saw a visibly light ring around it. And Harrison began explaining the phenomenon.
A little while later, we saw something go across the sky. Harrison's cousins at first exclaimed that they were looking at a UFO. So the rest of us looked up. There was something bright orange in sky. It passed under the moon. Initially, some of us thought it was fireworks or something. But we decided that it was moving too slowly and too high to be one. It seemed to be going as fast as a plane that's about to land at the Mineta Airport. It could have been a lone meteor. But it wasn't a streak of light and it was visible for way too long. It looked more like a light from an airplane, but the light was too orange and a bit too wide. Then someone, remembering the attempted terrorist attack on Christmas day, suggested that it was an airplane on fire. It did look like it was going to drop toward the Earth once it had passed the moon for about six seconds. But it didn't. Instead, the bright orange started to flicker and then fizzled out. So it couldn't have been an airplane on fire, which wouldn't have sustained such a long length of time in the air.
Did you see this orange light in the sky? Neither a streak of light nor a burst of flame. Just a bright orange light that floated across the midnight sky.
Probably was a meteoroid.
Anyway, after all the meteoroid/sparkler fun, we went back inside. Back up to Harrison's room. Played Thirteen.
Then home at 01h30.
Last night was a lot more interesting than I made it seem haha. The conversations were just hilarious. Lots of innuendo and stuff haha. Oh yeah, Oliver (the puppy) kept biting my fingers and jacket -_- Anthony must have rubbed off his scent on me or something.
Ah, though not as packed as last year's New Year's party, I still had a lot of fun last night. Got to know three new people. Found out they all knew a few of my old friends from middle school :D I'm always excited by that haha. Meeting new friends who already know your other friends :P Small world. Such connectedness haha.
Anyway, yeah, good times, good times last night. New year now. Changes. Or improvements to be made. Started on my workout resolutions this morning ^_^ I'm proud of myself. Hopefully I stick to them this time haha.
And people, we need to chill this weekend before you all leave -nods-
And I'm already using up one hour of the Internet. Time for a break.
Happy 2010, folks :)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
2010 starts in 29 hours
Not much to say. I don't know what I'm doing for New Year's Eve or anything.
Autumn wants to go hiking, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna rain.
Harrison is having a New Year's Eve party, and I kinda wanna see Maria again. Though, she may or may not show up.
Austin C is also having a New Year's Eve party, and Nancy P is gonna be there. I haven't seen her since before Brother and she broke up.
I'm wondering what everyone else is doing. I kinda wanna drop by both parties for like an hour each just to catch up. Afterward, I could chill with my old friends to count down. But I don't think Mother would allow me to drive the car tomorrow night :/
For sure, I don't want to be home doing nothing...
Need a good start to the new year. I just wanna do something, be with my friends.
Autumn wants to go hiking, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna rain.
Harrison is having a New Year's Eve party, and I kinda wanna see Maria again. Though, she may or may not show up.
Austin C is also having a New Year's Eve party, and Nancy P is gonna be there. I haven't seen her since before Brother and she broke up.
I'm wondering what everyone else is doing. I kinda wanna drop by both parties for like an hour each just to catch up. Afterward, I could chill with my old friends to count down. But I don't think Mother would allow me to drive the car tomorrow night :/
For sure, I don't want to be home doing nothing...
Need a good start to the new year. I just wanna do something, be with my friends.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas, folks...
Just another day. Got about an hour of sporadic moments of sleep this morning. Got up at 8. Mother was still asleep. Brother was still at his friend's (where he is again now). I went online. Said "Merry Christmas" to D. No gifts or anything (no money, you know), but it's all good.
Watched "9" and "The Final Destination" today. Both movies were pretty good. "9" made me sad, but I liked it. I was sad that the group lost so many and couldn't get them back at the end :( I was hoping... Anyway, TFD had a friggin' awesome intro/credits and ending. More blood in this installment. More irony, too, I suppose. All good stuff. Story, as always, is old, but the deaths were pretty cool. Only one of the deaths I didn't see coming XP and it was the least ingenious one haha. Hmm...
Might watch another movie after this.
Anyway, yeah, this was pretty much my day at home. Online movies. Also figuring where the halfway point between San Jose and Hayward is because a girl's buying one of my textbooks through Craigslist. Hm.
Today really wasn't very interesting. Don't know why I'm updating about it. Maybe because it's Christmas day and it's supposed to be interesting. Eh.
Oh, I just deleted another couple of people off of my AIM list. I have ten buddies left :O I don't know why I do this. Can't believe I used to have over 100 buddies, most of whom I did talk to. Hm. I think I do this every time I decide I'm going ease/cut off my use of something. So eventually, I may actually stop using AIM :O That's such a crazy thought to me haha. Been using it for the past seven or so years. Ahh, I'll go through withdrawal symptoms @_@ I just need to find that life of mine. Maybe I'll be ok then haha.
I'll be healthier this way in the long run -nods- I'm just gonna feel bad for the ones who expect me to be there to talk to once in a while -__- Eh, well, there's Facebook. And phones. Yeah, it'll be ok -nods- Hmm... My buddy list is so empty O___O One day, I'll be able to uninstall AIM without looking back, mm hmm.
Ahhh, it's just AIM. Not like my life is going to end without it >_> I'm so weird. It's just AIM. A compulsion. Ah well, I won't be stopping it for a while. Or maybe I should try over this break. Yeah. I should. Hm. But I'll still go on for the three people who still talk to me XP yeaah.
This is pathetic. I'm talking about breaking off my connection with AIM -__- It's become rooted in my life. Sad.
Maybe I shouldn't stop. Maybe just moderate the amount of time I spend on it. Yeah. That's what resolutions are for XP Hopefully, I'll stick to it better next year.
And whoa, six days plus four-and-a-half hours left of 2009. Crazy quick year. Feels like I only went to that Wrawsome Christmas party a few months ago. 2010, new decade. New things. New experiences. Hopefully, things get better. 2009 was good, but I need 2010 to be better. How? I don't know. It just needs to be. A lot of doubt, anger, and foolishness this year (and years past, of course). There needs to be less next year.
Maybe I'll finally find my motivation next year. I still haven't found it, even after all these years I've been talking about it. Motivation. The real kind. I need it.
-sigh- There's been some changes this year, I suppose. Not sure if they're good or bad. But I'm trying to be positive.
Next year, I'll try not to obsess too much about stuff. Clear out this bank of emotions, you know? I've done it once before. I'll do it again. It's better that way, yes? Yes. No more false hopes. No more yes-then-no bullshit. No more fooling myself into thinking I deserve things that I know I don't.
2010 will be okely dokely :D Chyeah!
(Oh, I see the irony in what I just said haha.)
And please tell me there's gonna be a New Year's party. I wanna count down with the friends (: Or we should at least do a sleepover thing -shrug- Just do something together, yeah? Maybe go back up on the hill. Just chill. We need to chill before you all go back to school the next day -nods-
Playing "Bloodsport" by Sneaker Pimps
Watched "9" and "The Final Destination" today. Both movies were pretty good. "9" made me sad, but I liked it. I was sad that the group lost so many and couldn't get them back at the end :( I was hoping... Anyway, TFD had a friggin' awesome intro/credits and ending. More blood in this installment. More irony, too, I suppose. All good stuff. Story, as always, is old, but the deaths were pretty cool. Only one of the deaths I didn't see coming XP and it was the least ingenious one haha. Hmm...
Might watch another movie after this.
Anyway, yeah, this was pretty much my day at home. Online movies. Also figuring where the halfway point between San Jose and Hayward is because a girl's buying one of my textbooks through Craigslist. Hm.
Today really wasn't very interesting. Don't know why I'm updating about it. Maybe because it's Christmas day and it's supposed to be interesting. Eh.
Oh, I just deleted another couple of people off of my AIM list. I have ten buddies left :O I don't know why I do this. Can't believe I used to have over 100 buddies, most of whom I did talk to. Hm. I think I do this every time I decide I'm going ease/cut off my use of something. So eventually, I may actually stop using AIM :O That's such a crazy thought to me haha. Been using it for the past seven or so years. Ahh, I'll go through withdrawal symptoms @_@ I just need to find that life of mine. Maybe I'll be ok then haha.
I'll be healthier this way in the long run -nods- I'm just gonna feel bad for the ones who expect me to be there to talk to once in a while -__- Eh, well, there's Facebook. And phones. Yeah, it'll be ok -nods- Hmm... My buddy list is so empty O___O One day, I'll be able to uninstall AIM without looking back, mm hmm.
Ahhh, it's just AIM. Not like my life is going to end without it >_> I'm so weird. It's just AIM. A compulsion. Ah well, I won't be stopping it for a while. Or maybe I should try over this break. Yeah. I should. Hm. But I'll still go on for the three people who still talk to me XP yeaah.
This is pathetic. I'm talking about breaking off my connection with AIM -__- It's become rooted in my life. Sad.
Maybe I shouldn't stop. Maybe just moderate the amount of time I spend on it. Yeah. That's what resolutions are for XP Hopefully, I'll stick to it better next year.
And whoa, six days plus four-and-a-half hours left of 2009. Crazy quick year. Feels like I only went to that Wrawsome Christmas party a few months ago. 2010, new decade. New things. New experiences. Hopefully, things get better. 2009 was good, but I need 2010 to be better. How? I don't know. It just needs to be. A lot of doubt, anger, and foolishness this year (and years past, of course). There needs to be less next year.
Maybe I'll finally find my motivation next year. I still haven't found it, even after all these years I've been talking about it. Motivation. The real kind. I need it.
-sigh- There's been some changes this year, I suppose. Not sure if they're good or bad. But I'm trying to be positive.
Next year, I'll try not to obsess too much about stuff. Clear out this bank of emotions, you know? I've done it once before. I'll do it again. It's better that way, yes? Yes. No more false hopes. No more yes-then-no bullshit. No more fooling myself into thinking I deserve things that I know I don't.
2010 will be okely dokely :D Chyeah!
(Oh, I see the irony in what I just said haha.)
And please tell me there's gonna be a New Year's party. I wanna count down with the friends (: Or we should at least do a sleepover thing -shrug- Just do something together, yeah? Maybe go back up on the hill. Just chill. We need to chill before you all go back to school the next day -nods-
Playing "Bloodsport" by Sneaker Pimps
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Less than two weeks till the new decade starts...
So, as you already know, I'm not much of a Christmas person (errr well, holiday person). But I try to be cheerful and whatnot around this time of the year just because I should. It's nice to end the year happily and all, you know?
I never really give gifts because I don't make any money. And I find it pathetic to use my family's money to get gifts for them. Plus, I never know what to get for anyone. Mother and Brother like expensive, "pretty" or "cool" things. I am not a good judge of any of that XP
I don't even know what kind of gifts to give to my friends. How sad. What do you guys want? For now, all I can give you are hugs. The real kind, I promise. Or well, I'll try ^_^;
Me, you already have my short list from one of my October entries. But I think Brother will probably buy a few of those for me. Even though, he should be saving up his money -_- but he won't listen to me..
You know, I kinda miss having a Christmas tree to decorate. It's been like four years since we gave away our fake tree. Ever since then, it feels like Christmas is just another day to get through, especially since we don't celebrate it in the first place.
Before reaching my teen years, I used to be excited for Christmas. Anticipating the morning during which Brother and I would rip open our presents and be proud of the gifts that we believed we deserved. Having no idea how much these moments meant to the adults who watched over us. Just an overall good, united(?) feeling.
Nowadays, it feels like it doesn't really matter. Gift-giving is so... obligatory. Even when we don't have enough money to buy all this stuff. I don't know why, but none of the holiday spirit feels the same anymore.
I think I feel this way because none of them listen to me. I say I don't want anything, but they force me to get things I don't need. If I don't choose anything, they'll get angry and call me ungrateful. But I am grateful for their generosity, their love, and all that good stuff. I just don't want to feel like I'm forced to be grateful. And really, what I want for Christmas is for all of us to be together and just talk. But we don't really do that anymore. We haven't done that. We never really talk. And I would imagine that if we try now, it would be very awkward and whatever. After so many years of this, I'm not sure we could ever start doing that.
So for now, I'll settle for our happy little ways of enjoying the holidays through materialism. Brother can go buy all the gifts he wants to buy for us. Mother can buy all the Buche de Noel she wants. We won't talk; we won't get to know each other. We'll just settle for what we see on the surface. And you know it's been good for us all these years. A few more years of it shouldn't hurt.
Ahaha, so negative. I can't stay away from the negative. Really, I don't know if I like Christmas. It's just another day. I don't know what's so special about it. I want it to feel special, but it doesn't. I think I only like it a lil bit because it means only a week is left in the year. The new year then comes around, and I can "start over." Fresh. Or as fresh as possible. Fresh mind, fresh thoughts, fresh goals. Nothing to bog me down because I let everything from the past year go. For the most part. And, you know, the new year just makes me want to be a new person. Kinda. It's silly, but going into a new year feels like getting a new chance.
Of course, that's all in my head. I'll still be the same person. Just working on new resolutions and whatnot. Starting the year off with high hopes that slowly dwindle as the year passes. Until the next year starts. I guess you could say going into a new year is like getting an HP boost haha. Hm.
Anyway, here are my potential resolutions for 2010. I'm just gonna list them out here and explain them, so that I remember why I want to do these things in the first place. Then I'll eliminate some and re-list the rest, so it will be easier for me to remember and more probable that I'll accomplish them :P I might do the print-and-carry thing again.
+Drink one bottle of water a day.
- I need to get healthy. Been drinking too much juice this past year.
+Get a job.
- I need to take care of myself instead of relying on my family for everything. Slowly become more independent this way, yes?
+Choose a major.
- I feel like I'm wasting time in college. So I'm hoping I can decide on a major by March. I don't want to waste any more time.
+Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
- I need to de-stress. Yes, I do stress, even if I don't act like I do. I should figure out when the best time to do this is.
+Do __ push-ups, __ crunches, __ chin-ups every day.
+Do a daily physical activity: Jog a mile. Walk. Bike. Swim. Skate. Do weight training. Skateboard.
- Again, healthy stuff. Need to add in numbers. Though, I'm pretty sure I won't get the chin-ups right for a while XP I'll need assistance haha. And maybe not a daily physical activity XP More like at least twice a week haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on AIM per day.
- I've been on AIM every day for the past two months. And I talk to two or three people on AIM now, or I'm usually away. I need to be more productive and to not log on at all haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on the Internet per day.
- I find myself playing games too often. I would rather read or sleep, but the Internet is just so damn tempting. I need to be stricter about how long I stay on the computer. This year, I was somewhat successful. Well, at least during the first half of the year XP And I should decide if watching movies and TV shows online counts or is excluded. Of course, this time limit excludes the time I spend online for homework.
+Go to Anime Expo 2010.
- I want to go at least one more time. Plus, it's like the only time I could ever travel anywhere with friends. Aaand I would get to see some SoCal friends :D because some of them are planning on going next year.
+Learn how to play piano or guitar.
- I want a musical hobby. I just need to get an instrument first. Or use someone else's. And for this year, I can settle for learning notes, chords, sight reading, and simple songs.
+Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
- I want to be trilingual ^_^ I'm gonna take French 1A next semester. And I'll probably ask D or a friend to teach me some Viet haha. Better French accent, broader Viet vocabulary. Really, I just want to at least get better at writing, reading, and aurally understanding both languages.
+Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
- Just furthering one of this year's resolutions (become a morning person). I want to feel productive, and getting up early helps me feel that way.
+Achieve: No anger. No Complaints.
- I've been very angry for a while now. That needs to change. I need to learn how to let go. For real.
+Avoid hard liquor.
- I don't want to get sick every time I go to a party XP Never good. No control. I'll stick to either sobriety or the weak alc from now on.
+Talk to people.
- I need to start the conversation with more people. I'm always waiting for people to talk to me. I can't keep waiting like this.
+Go out with friends weekly.
- I just can't be stuck at home all the time. If I keep doing what I've been doing this semester, I should be ok.
+Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
- Again, heeeaaalthy.
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush.
- I want to avoid car crashes. At least those that would probably be caused by me.
+Do not doubt myself.
- I'm not sure how I'll pull this off, but I'm sure I hold myself back a lot, too much, too often. I need to have courage haha.
+Be honest.
- I've tried this once or twice before. Not completely successful. At least not with family. I just need courage. I wanna be like John Gotti :P "I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid." Quite true.
+Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone (from atop a building/hill/something tall).
- I just wanna see an unobstructed sunrise/sunset to admire its beauty and whatnot. And I don't want to be alone.
+Obsess less.
- I've been thinking too much for a while. I can't keep my head on straight. No focus. Couldn't concentrate on what little homework I had at the end of semester. Need a clearer head. Less weight and all that.
I feel these are achievable. I just need to figure out how to achieve some of them. Any help from you would be greatly appreciated :)
Anyone wanna teach me anything, like how to rollerblade or skateboard?
2010 Resolutions simplified:
1. Follow: No anger. No Complaints.
2. Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
3. Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
4. Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups per day.
5. Do a physical activity at least twice a week.
6. Drink a bottle of water a day.
7. Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
8. Spend a maximum of 3 hours on the Internet/AIM per day.
9. Avoid liquor that is 80 proof or greater.
10. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
11. Do not doubt myself.
12. Choose a major by March 31.
13. Get a job by summertime.
14. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
15. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
Simple enough
Doubtful
Very doubtful
Still a lot of resolutions, yeah? I can't help it. At least there are fewer this year. I hope I can make these work. I might edit the list one more time another day. But for now, this is it. They're not listed by priority this time. I think I just put all the daily/gradual stuff first and the rest last.
I had so much trouble thinking of things, but then I thought of a lot eventually XP Simple things really. I'm just not sure if I can keep myself motivated enough to stick to them.
Yeaah. Wooo, I spent three hours on this resolution thing. I have no life XP Well, I'm trying to make mine better a lil bit haha.
Ok, now I should be off to finish the rest of my to-do list for today, yaayyy.
I never really give gifts because I don't make any money. And I find it pathetic to use my family's money to get gifts for them. Plus, I never know what to get for anyone. Mother and Brother like expensive, "pretty" or "cool" things. I am not a good judge of any of that XP
I don't even know what kind of gifts to give to my friends. How sad. What do you guys want? For now, all I can give you are hugs. The real kind, I promise. Or well, I'll try ^_^;
Me, you already have my short list from one of my October entries. But I think Brother will probably buy a few of those for me. Even though, he should be saving up his money -_- but he won't listen to me..
You know, I kinda miss having a Christmas tree to decorate. It's been like four years since we gave away our fake tree. Ever since then, it feels like Christmas is just another day to get through, especially since we don't celebrate it in the first place.
Before reaching my teen years, I used to be excited for Christmas. Anticipating the morning during which Brother and I would rip open our presents and be proud of the gifts that we believed we deserved. Having no idea how much these moments meant to the adults who watched over us. Just an overall good, united(?) feeling.
Nowadays, it feels like it doesn't really matter. Gift-giving is so... obligatory. Even when we don't have enough money to buy all this stuff. I don't know why, but none of the holiday spirit feels the same anymore.
I think I feel this way because none of them listen to me. I say I don't want anything, but they force me to get things I don't need. If I don't choose anything, they'll get angry and call me ungrateful. But I am grateful for their generosity, their love, and all that good stuff. I just don't want to feel like I'm forced to be grateful. And really, what I want for Christmas is for all of us to be together and just talk. But we don't really do that anymore. We haven't done that. We never really talk. And I would imagine that if we try now, it would be very awkward and whatever. After so many years of this, I'm not sure we could ever start doing that.
So for now, I'll settle for our happy little ways of enjoying the holidays through materialism. Brother can go buy all the gifts he wants to buy for us. Mother can buy all the Buche de Noel she wants. We won't talk; we won't get to know each other. We'll just settle for what we see on the surface. And you know it's been good for us all these years. A few more years of it shouldn't hurt.
Ahaha, so negative. I can't stay away from the negative. Really, I don't know if I like Christmas. It's just another day. I don't know what's so special about it. I want it to feel special, but it doesn't. I think I only like it a lil bit because it means only a week is left in the year. The new year then comes around, and I can "start over." Fresh. Or as fresh as possible. Fresh mind, fresh thoughts, fresh goals. Nothing to bog me down because I let everything from the past year go. For the most part. And, you know, the new year just makes me want to be a new person. Kinda. It's silly, but going into a new year feels like getting a new chance.
Of course, that's all in my head. I'll still be the same person. Just working on new resolutions and whatnot. Starting the year off with high hopes that slowly dwindle as the year passes. Until the next year starts. I guess you could say going into a new year is like getting an HP boost haha. Hm.
Anyway, here are my potential resolutions for 2010. I'm just gonna list them out here and explain them, so that I remember why I want to do these things in the first place. Then I'll eliminate some and re-list the rest, so it will be easier for me to remember and more probable that I'll accomplish them :P I might do the print-and-carry thing again.
+Drink one bottle of water a day.
- I need to get healthy. Been drinking too much juice this past year.
+Get a job.
- I need to take care of myself instead of relying on my family for everything. Slowly become more independent this way, yes?
+Choose a major.
- I feel like I'm wasting time in college. So I'm hoping I can decide on a major by March. I don't want to waste any more time.
+Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
- I need to de-stress. Yes, I do stress, even if I don't act like I do. I should figure out when the best time to do this is.
+Do __ push-ups, __ crunches, __ chin-ups every day.
+Do a daily physical activity: Jog a mile. Walk. Bike. Swim. Skate. Do weight training. Skateboard.
- Again, healthy stuff. Need to add in numbers. Though, I'm pretty sure I won't get the chin-ups right for a while XP I'll need assistance haha. And maybe not a daily physical activity XP More like at least twice a week haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on AIM per day.
- I've been on AIM every day for the past two months. And I talk to two or three people on AIM now, or I'm usually away. I need to be more productive and to not log on at all haha.
+Spend a maximum of __ hours on the Internet per day.
- I find myself playing games too often. I would rather read or sleep, but the Internet is just so damn tempting. I need to be stricter about how long I stay on the computer. This year, I was somewhat successful. Well, at least during the first half of the year XP And I should decide if watching movies and TV shows online counts or is excluded. Of course, this time limit excludes the time I spend online for homework.
+Go to Anime Expo 2010.
- I want to go at least one more time. Plus, it's like the only time I could ever travel anywhere with friends. Aaand I would get to see some SoCal friends :D because some of them are planning on going next year.
+Learn how to play piano or guitar.
- I want a musical hobby. I just need to get an instrument first. Or use someone else's. And for this year, I can settle for learning notes, chords, sight reading, and simple songs.
+Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
- I want to be trilingual ^_^ I'm gonna take French 1A next semester. And I'll probably ask D or a friend to teach me some Viet haha. Better French accent, broader Viet vocabulary. Really, I just want to at least get better at writing, reading, and aurally understanding both languages.
+Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
- Just furthering one of this year's resolutions (become a morning person). I want to feel productive, and getting up early helps me feel that way.
+Achieve: No anger. No Complaints.
- I've been very angry for a while now. That needs to change. I need to learn how to let go. For real.
+Avoid hard liquor.
- I don't want to get sick every time I go to a party XP Never good. No control. I'll stick to either sobriety or the weak alc from now on.
+Talk to people.
- I need to start the conversation with more people. I'm always waiting for people to talk to me. I can't keep waiting like this.
+Go out with friends weekly.
- I just can't be stuck at home all the time. If I keep doing what I've been doing this semester, I should be ok.
+Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
- Again, heeeaaalthy.
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush.
- I want to avoid car crashes. At least those that would probably be caused by me.
+Do not doubt myself.
- I'm not sure how I'll pull this off, but I'm sure I hold myself back a lot, too much, too often. I need to have courage haha.
+Be honest.
- I've tried this once or twice before. Not completely successful. At least not with family. I just need courage. I wanna be like John Gotti :P "I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid." Quite true.
+Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone (from atop a building/hill/something tall).
- I just wanna see an unobstructed sunrise/sunset to admire its beauty and whatnot. And I don't want to be alone.
+Obsess less.
- I've been thinking too much for a while. I can't keep my head on straight. No focus. Couldn't concentrate on what little homework I had at the end of semester. Need a clearer head. Less weight and all that.
I feel these are achievable. I just need to figure out how to achieve some of them. Any help from you would be greatly appreciated :)
Anyone wanna teach me anything, like how to rollerblade or skateboard?
2010 Resolutions simplified:
1. Follow: No anger. No Complaints.
2. Get out of bed by 0700 every day.
3. Meditate for 10 minutes daily.
4. Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups per day.
5. Do a physical activity at least twice a week.
6. Drink a bottle of water a day.
7. Eat two servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
8. Spend a maximum of 3 hours on the Internet/AIM per day.
9. Avoid liquor that is 80 proof or greater.
10. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
11. Do not doubt myself.
12. Choose a major by March 31.
13. Get a job by summertime.
14. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
15. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
Simple enough
Doubtful
Very doubtful
Still a lot of resolutions, yeah? I can't help it. At least there are fewer this year. I hope I can make these work. I might edit the list one more time another day. But for now, this is it. They're not listed by priority this time. I think I just put all the daily/gradual stuff first and the rest last.
I had so much trouble thinking of things, but then I thought of a lot eventually XP Simple things really. I'm just not sure if I can keep myself motivated enough to stick to them.
Yeaah. Wooo, I spent three hours on this resolution thing. I have no life XP Well, I'm trying to make mine better a lil bit haha.
Ok, now I should be off to finish the rest of my to-do list for today, yaayyy.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year!
So it's 2009 now. What fun. A new year. 23 resolutions to work on or achieve. Well, 21 now. I renewed my library card and just made a new blog, hmm. No more LJ. Now, it's Blogger/Blogspot (that still confuses me).
I was thinking of making my first blog about some random topic, but I think I wanna remember as much as I can about New Year's. It was good and bad. I don't think I'll say too much. I and my details follow each other too closely sometimes.
Anyway, so New Year's Eve, I had dinner with my family and another family. Then I asked my mom if I could go to a New Year's get-together with a few friends. Being the good Asian kid I am, I mentioned the names of the friends that my mom likes: Alex D, Kathleen, Ariane, Randy, and Kiet. They really were going though, so I wasn't lying. And I did tell her that the host of the party was Markus, Ariane's friend, not mine. Partying with Wrawsome or at least half of it.
Surprisingly, my mom was ok with it, even though she repeatedly warned me against drinking again. After Cathy's birthday thing, I agreed I wouldn't drink any hard liquor, at most a shot haha. You know, in Vietnamese, it's really easy to twist words.
Mm, so Alex picked me up after he picked up Kat, Randy, and Kiet. First, we made a quick stop at Alex O's house. Then we were off to Waverly Ave. Damn, there was hella fog that night. Anyway, we kept missing Markus' house. It was funny though.
Ariane introduced us to her crew, but we still kinda kept to ourselves. No mingling. Too awkward. We were the strangers in this house, you know. So after about half an hour, I think, Kiet suggested going to another party where there were some people we actually knew. Ariane got hella sad about that though :/ I started to feel hella bad, especially after we had had the chat about being able to celebrate New Year's with friends for the first time.
So I decided to stay and try to talk to her dance friends. Chill people, very chill. Took our first shots of the night. I got some Black Label. Damn that shit, man. No chasers for me 'cause I'm a beast! Haha.... No buzz. I talked to a few people.
I think I made some new friends though haha.
I remember:
Tim (hella nice guy, encouraging me to drink beer haha)
Natasha (she likes me. She kept repeating that every time she saw me haha)
Leticia (she ain't black XP)
Jeffro (he's not 25)
Jae-Ar (you gotta wrestle the bottle away from this guy)
Melfred (he's afraid of trolls haha)
Markus (his house got some hella nice stuff)
Mark (he stayed sober, but he was cool)
Foxy (Markus' dog :P So cute. I love pomeranians.)
I remember all the people's faces, but I don't remember the names. Hmm. But yeah, hella cool people.
Anyway, I had two beers. Tecate, not my kinda shit. Widmer will always be the love of my life haha. Jk jk. It just tastes way better, but it's more expensive. Wheat beer is my thing though. And throughout the night, people were sharing their rum and coke with me, but I wasn't paying attention to that.
Alex, Randy, Kat, and Kiet, came back around 1:30. Played King's Cup with them. Shit, that game fucked Ariane and me up, like whoa. I don't remember what exactly happened after 2 AM. I remember bits. That was bad. I felt bad for Ariane though. I was supposed to be sober enough to help her. And I had said I wasn't gonna drink more than a shot and a beer. It seems that I can't control myself after the first shot; I just keep drinking D: That's pretty sad, but now I know I shouldn't drink at all. Not even a little. I'll save the beers for dinners XP
Kat, Kiet, Randy, and Alex took care of us till about 7 in the morning when they left for home. Hella stuff happened when we were out though :/ Can't believe we missed so much. Just glad we didn't die haha. Mm, I barely remember some of the stuff I was saying when I was out. I hope I didn't say too much.
When we woke up, I think it was 1 in the afternoon. Markus, Tim, Leticia, Melfred, and Markus' girlfriend (don't remember her name >_<) were still around. We watched "Step Brothers." I didn't have my glasses on though, so I saw blurry images haha. Funny movie though. I ate a slice of pizza. I forced myself to eat it. I mean, it made me sick to swallow food.
My mom called, and I asked her to come pick me up, so that Ariane wouldn't have to drive me home. We started watching "The Descent," but I left after thirty minutes. Mm, I was sure my mom would pick up the scent of alcohol, but she hasn't said anything. I still wasn't feeling too well when I left. We got home after the sun set. I showered and just went straight to bed.
So yesterday, I basically slept through most of the day, which is ok. January 1st, first day of the year, and I sleep through it haha :P It's all good.
Yeah, this entry doesn't have too many details like my usual entries. I remember more, but I don't think I need to put much up to remember what happened.
So from now on, I either stay away from the alc or else I'ma keep drinking more than I can handle haha. Or someone's gotta watch me and make sure I don't drink more than a shot and a beer :P Woo. What fun.
A lot of gratitude for Alex, Randy, Kat, and Kiet. Thank you very much. Ah, I'm still sorry for wasting your New Year's.
Mm, so resolutions. Posting them just in case I lose my hard copy haha.
'09 Resolutions
1. Choose a major.
2. Meditate at least 15 minutes a day.
3. Hug at least 1 person a day.
4. Compliment someone at least once a week.
5. Get a job.
6. Reduce my extra time on the desktop to 15hrs/wk.
7. Renew and use my library card.
8. Go out with friends at least once every month.
9. Limit myself to 4 sodas a month.
10. Start a new blog.
11. Make at least one YouTube video.
12. Try a different hairstyle.
13. Utilize the on-campus fitness facilities.
14. Learn how to play a new instrument.
15. Cosplay for Anime Expo 2009.
16. Remain calm in all situations.
17. Stop lying about stupid things.
18. Reconnect and keep in touch with friends.
19. Learn how to read and write Vietnamese well.
20. Become a morning person.
21. Complain less.
22. Stop bringing myself down with my own words.
23. Smile more.
What a start to the new year. Well, at least I got 2 of my resolutions already haha. Mm, changes, changes. Goals, really. I just wanna do better.
I wonder how I'll keep up with this blog though. Hmm.
I was thinking of making my first blog about some random topic, but I think I wanna remember as much as I can about New Year's. It was good and bad. I don't think I'll say too much. I and my details follow each other too closely sometimes.
Anyway, so New Year's Eve, I had dinner with my family and another family. Then I asked my mom if I could go to a New Year's get-together with a few friends. Being the good Asian kid I am, I mentioned the names of the friends that my mom likes: Alex D, Kathleen, Ariane, Randy, and Kiet. They really were going though, so I wasn't lying. And I did tell her that the host of the party was Markus, Ariane's friend, not mine. Partying with Wrawsome or at least half of it.
Surprisingly, my mom was ok with it, even though she repeatedly warned me against drinking again. After Cathy's birthday thing, I agreed I wouldn't drink any hard liquor, at most a shot haha. You know, in Vietnamese, it's really easy to twist words.
Mm, so Alex picked me up after he picked up Kat, Randy, and Kiet. First, we made a quick stop at Alex O's house. Then we were off to Waverly Ave. Damn, there was hella fog that night. Anyway, we kept missing Markus' house. It was funny though.
Ariane introduced us to her crew, but we still kinda kept to ourselves. No mingling. Too awkward. We were the strangers in this house, you know. So after about half an hour, I think, Kiet suggested going to another party where there were some people we actually knew. Ariane got hella sad about that though :/ I started to feel hella bad, especially after we had had the chat about being able to celebrate New Year's with friends for the first time.
So I decided to stay and try to talk to her dance friends. Chill people, very chill. Took our first shots of the night. I got some Black Label. Damn that shit, man. No chasers for me 'cause I'm a beast! Haha.... No buzz. I talked to a few people.
I think I made some new friends though haha.
I remember:
Tim (hella nice guy, encouraging me to drink beer haha)
Natasha (she likes me. She kept repeating that every time she saw me haha)
Leticia (she ain't black XP)
Jeffro (he's not 25)
Jae-Ar (you gotta wrestle the bottle away from this guy)
Melfred (he's afraid of trolls haha)
Markus (his house got some hella nice stuff)
Mark (he stayed sober, but he was cool)
Foxy (Markus' dog :P So cute. I love pomeranians.)
I remember all the people's faces, but I don't remember the names. Hmm. But yeah, hella cool people.
Anyway, I had two beers. Tecate, not my kinda shit. Widmer will always be the love of my life haha. Jk jk. It just tastes way better, but it's more expensive. Wheat beer is my thing though. And throughout the night, people were sharing their rum and coke with me, but I wasn't paying attention to that.
Alex, Randy, Kat, and Kiet, came back around 1:30. Played King's Cup with them. Shit, that game fucked Ariane and me up, like whoa. I don't remember what exactly happened after 2 AM. I remember bits. That was bad. I felt bad for Ariane though. I was supposed to be sober enough to help her. And I had said I wasn't gonna drink more than a shot and a beer. It seems that I can't control myself after the first shot; I just keep drinking D: That's pretty sad, but now I know I shouldn't drink at all. Not even a little. I'll save the beers for dinners XP
Kat, Kiet, Randy, and Alex took care of us till about 7 in the morning when they left for home. Hella stuff happened when we were out though :/ Can't believe we missed so much. Just glad we didn't die haha. Mm, I barely remember some of the stuff I was saying when I was out. I hope I didn't say too much.
When we woke up, I think it was 1 in the afternoon. Markus, Tim, Leticia, Melfred, and Markus' girlfriend (don't remember her name >_<) were still around. We watched "Step Brothers." I didn't have my glasses on though, so I saw blurry images haha. Funny movie though. I ate a slice of pizza. I forced myself to eat it. I mean, it made me sick to swallow food.
My mom called, and I asked her to come pick me up, so that Ariane wouldn't have to drive me home. We started watching "The Descent," but I left after thirty minutes. Mm, I was sure my mom would pick up the scent of alcohol, but she hasn't said anything. I still wasn't feeling too well when I left. We got home after the sun set. I showered and just went straight to bed.
So yesterday, I basically slept through most of the day, which is ok. January 1st, first day of the year, and I sleep through it haha :P It's all good.
Yeah, this entry doesn't have too many details like my usual entries. I remember more, but I don't think I need to put much up to remember what happened.
So from now on, I either stay away from the alc or else I'ma keep drinking more than I can handle haha. Or someone's gotta watch me and make sure I don't drink more than a shot and a beer :P Woo. What fun.
A lot of gratitude for Alex, Randy, Kat, and Kiet. Thank you very much. Ah, I'm still sorry for wasting your New Year's.
Mm, so resolutions. Posting them just in case I lose my hard copy haha.
'09 Resolutions
1. Choose a major.
2. Meditate at least 15 minutes a day.
3. Hug at least 1 person a day.
4. Compliment someone at least once a week.
5. Get a job.
6. Reduce my extra time on the desktop to 15hrs/wk.
7. Renew and use my library card.
8. Go out with friends at least once every month.
9. Limit myself to 4 sodas a month.
10. Start a new blog.
11. Make at least one YouTube video.
12. Try a different hairstyle.
13. Utilize the on-campus fitness facilities.
14. Learn how to play a new instrument.
15. Cosplay for Anime Expo 2009.
16. Remain calm in all situations.
17. Stop lying about stupid things.
18. Reconnect and keep in touch with friends.
19. Learn how to read and write Vietnamese well.
20. Become a morning person.
21. Complain less.
22. Stop bringing myself down with my own words.
23. Smile more.
What a start to the new year. Well, at least I got 2 of my resolutions already haha. Mm, changes, changes. Goals, really. I just wanna do better.
I wonder how I'll keep up with this blog though. Hmm.
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