I'm digging a Facebook grave...

So I was recently on a two-week Facebook hiatus. It was nice. I became much more socially withdrawn haha, but I was happy. No triggers. Few people talked to me, and I talked to few people. It was really nice. I had more time for myself, instead spending it staring at my newsfeed.

Yesterday night, I logged in. Sixteen notifications were waiting for me. Only half of them actually had anything to do directly with me. And four of those were redundant notifications about someone posting a photo about me and someone else liking that photo or liking my latest status. All the other notifications were event invites; I missed two events /: That made me sad. I completely forgot about one of those events. So sad. But it's ok; I spent yesterday hiking with Vivi instead of going to the party I missed, so it was worth it.

After responding to and liking a few things, I decided that my life feels good without Facebook. It's nice to stay connected with friends, but I'm not that connected to most people on Facebook. I spend most of my time looking at my news feed, trying to absorb the details (I'm compulsive in that way), instead of actually communicating with friends. I tried the whole commenting on people's statuses to communicate with them, but I really prefer having an actual conversation no matter how rarely it happens. The few people to whom I am very close call or talk to me in person when they need talk to me. They don't use Facebook to tell me urgent things. This can apply to everyone I know. I'm going to make it apply to everyone I know.

So I'm weaning off Facebook. Really, this time, I mean it. I like not being constantly updated about other people's lives. It confuses me about whose lives I know about. I'm sure I'm going to occasionally be anxious about what I'm missing out on, but I know I survived life without Facebook before it came into being.

If anyone wants to reach me, I left a nice status with a list of various means of communication.

I'm simplifying my lifestyle... That's the best way I can put it. I like simple. One could argue Facebook is simple because it aggregates all of your friends on one website. But that's not simple to me. There are levels of friendship, and most of my Facebook friends are not on the top levels. My closest friends talk to me face-to-face or via phone. My less close friends occasionally like my status, respond to my messages, and comment on my page or photos. My least close friends don't reply to my Facebook comments. Ever. The least close friends are connected to me because we've met at least once and Facebook says we know each other.

It's nice to be connected and to reconnect. But I would like to let life filter my friendships naturally. I'm hanging on to friends who don't talk to me but constantly wish to add me on Facebook.

And really, leaving Facebook isn't a big deal. Most people won't notice, unless they decide they want to talk to me. But hey, if they want to talk to me, like I said, I made a nice list of media through which communication  may occur. The friends who talk to me like they always do don't need to worry about my leaving Facebook. The friends who don't talk to me often will have to decide if they want to talk to me and make an effort to do so.

I, on the other hand, am honestly content not talking to most people. We can occasionally catch up, and I'll be happy with that. The constant bombardment of updates, however, is not my cup of tea. Reminders of how I don't talk to most friends don't sit well with me either. I guess I'm maintaining my "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. With Facebook out of the way, I won't fret about the numerous friends who are actually more like acquaintances. Or sadly, friends who become acquaintances. Instead, I can do what I've wanted to do: Let my friendships go wherever they go and be happy with what has taken place. If friendships fade away, they fade away. I can let go of those.

If I want to reconnect, I will find a way to reconnect. Or let life give me a way to reconnect. Facebook was once that way of reconnection, and that was great. I thank Facebook (and Myspace) for helping me reconnect with childhood friends, but Facebook has done all it can for me in that department.


Hmm, this probably says a lot about me and how I handle friendships more than anything else. I'm rationalizing leaving Facebook. I like it, but I'm dependent on it for human connection. And that's just not how I want to live. I'm leaving Facebook, so I can be a better, closer friend to some people, instead of being "that one friend" to so many people on Facebook.

Remember that question about whether you would prefer to have a few close friends or a lot of not-so-close friends? This is my answer: A few close friends I can feel personally connected to. And the few friends I've chosen to be close to don't need Facebook to keep our friendship.

All of the other amazing friends I have that I really only talk to through Facebook... I love you, but there's more to communication than Facebook.


Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this whole thing is a part of my recent need to clean out parts of my life. I've been getting rid of clothes, school memorabilia, papers, and a lot of other fond-memory-related things. Mainly because I don't need them. But also because they cluttered my room and reminded me of the past. My way of holding on to the past was through keepsakes. It made me feel good to let go of the things that I gave or threw away. There's still more I could do without, except I'm sure at some point my mom will yell at me for not keeping them. She's already done that because I got rid of so many articles of clothing.


Simplify. Simple living. That's what I want. Also, to do things I've been afraid to do. Like throwing out "memories." I'm holding on to some memories. But I can't hold on to everything. I need to get that engrained in my brain.


Blah. Rambling.


Wow. Just realized we're halfway through July... Whaaat?

Maybe I'm just a bad friend.

I'm fucking pissed.

No, I'm not pissed. I'm irritated. And I'm hurt.

I was the target of a Facebook status rant. Something that I had addressed on Facebook about a week ago. Shows how seriously some people take me, I guess.

I don't know why people can't talk to me face-to-face when they have a problem with me. Instead of fucking making me guess and wonder if I should say something or let it go. Instead of sharing the problem with uninvolved people before letting me know it's a problem I should deal with.

I can't work on the fucking problem if I don't know I'm a part of the problem. We can't work things out if I don't know how you're interpreting what I've said or done. So let me know!

People have a problem with me being distant or pushing them away/ignoring them. I don't push people away anymore. I definitely don't ignore them. It's more like I've been trying to pull people into my life and surround myself with them, but I've never been comfortable being around people all the time. So now, I'm just being me for real, someone who doesn't like to interact with others that much. I still try to surround myself with people, but on most days, I would rather be alone and not talk to people. So I apologize if this abrupt change in behavior makes you feel like I'm pushing you away. I'm not. This is me embracing my real nature instead of trying to force it into something different. Before, I would always want to go out because I felt trapped at home and I wanted to have friends (going out a lot meant having a lot of friends). But now, I know I have good friends in my life, and I would much rather stay in and not be surrounded by people; I don't have a need to always have them around to make me feel like I'm important. I would rather not always be in constant contact with people. Granted, I still don't like being at home. But being alone makes me feel better now. I'm not lonely when I'm alone (haha Kelly Clarkson reference).

Most of my friends understand that we can't always talk but we're still there for each other. I've learned that about me and my friends from high school. I'm learning that about me and my college friends. And I'm hoping my college friends are learning that too.


Personal self-improvement is making me into a different person. I'm different from who I was at the beginning of 2012. I'm different from who I was in February and March. If I had to put a time frame on it, I'd say April was the month of big changes for me. Both good and bad. And I'm pulling myself up from the all the bad that I've been through. The changes that go along with that include me becoming more open yet closing myself off in other ways.


Blah. This started off as a rant about ambiguous Facebook attacks, and I didn't even really get there.

I dunno. I just feel attacked, even though she took off the status soon after she posted it. But I saw it anyway, and I copied it. I felt like it could have been directed toward me. So I asked her via Facebook message if it was directed at me. First thing she did was lie and say it wasn't. But the truth came out eventually that it was about me. And I told her how the whole thing made me feel. I didn't tell her completely how I felt because I wanted to know what issues we were having that I wasn't aware of. I focused on the issue. She said her part. I said mine. That was that. I was too angry to continue saying anything. So we've stopped talking. But I hope she really understood where I was coming from.

I haven't made any attempts to ignore her. All I ever did was tell her if I was busy when she'd contact me. Then she'd stop contacting me, even if I said "I'm busy, but what's up?"


Ahh, I dunno. Am I pushing people away? Maybe I'm misinterpreting myself. Maybe I really am horrible at communication. I thought I'd been improving that, especially after what's happened before this. I've been talking to a lot of different people over the course of the past two months about how to improve myself in various areas. I know I'm making progress, and I know I regress. But I'm fucking trying to become a better person and a better friend. I know I'll make mistakes, but if I make them, people have to point them out to me because I can't see everything that I do wrong.

I'm still that teddy bear that people can share their problems with. That won't change. What's changed is this teddy bear can't always there because teddy bears have their own tea parties to attend and sometimes they get lost too.

Maybe I just fail as a friend because I made her feel like I was pushing her away. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe she's not misinterpreting. Maybe... But I still want to be there for her.

Now I don't know if I'm being a good friend or not. Now I'm too emotional to think.

I need a break from the Internet...

So I'm taking one this weekend, and hopefully it will last past the weekend.

I've been online almost every day all semester. I was getting really good at staying off the Internet when I didn't need it last semester. Then that whole thing just didn't stick. So yeah, this weekend, no Facebook, no AIM. Though, I'm probably gonna panic about my Gmail inbox -__- 'cause that tends to fill up fast after just two days. I dunno how I'm gonna handle more than two days worth of emails. Google Reader is gonna be full of stuff too T-T ... Ok, maybe this wasn't such a good idea haha.

But no, I'm gonna try and see if I can live without the Interwebz for a few days.

What am I going to do instead? I don't know.
+Listen to music? I should go through some of my old CDs that I haven't ripped.
+Read? Ooh, I need to go to the library to borrow books. Maybe I'll go next week. Ah, I know. I can read the Bhagavad-gita As It Is. That's been sitting on my desk for a while now.
+I could also get some more sleep in -shrug- Be less tired, yeah?
+Maybe look through some old photos. But I won't have anyone to look through them with ): Brother's not around anymore. Mother and I just aren't on the same page right now. Mm, maybe I won't look through the photos..
+Ride my bike? Yeaah. Maybe I'll call Robert up and ask him to go ride with me.
+Walk somewhere? Hmm... Go to a park? Lie down and look at the clouds? I really wanna do that... But ah, I don't really wanna do it alone. Is anyone free to go watch clouds with me?
+Maybe I'll just spend the next couple of days watching a bunch of movies and TV shows. I could do that. I've done it before.

The next couple of days are gonna be quite lonely, I think. But that's ok. Though, is it sad that the Internet has such a strong effect on me? D: I think so. That's why I'm doing this haha XP


Anyway, so I just got back from Crawdaddy. Andrew P drove me, Kat, Le, and Jeisun there. Jeisun looks so different now O: And Kat's leaving tomorrow for South Africa O:

Not really much to say about dinner, except that Jeisun and Andrew complained a lot about eating crawfish XP Though, I suppose I agree that it's not really worth the money 'cause it doesn't really fill you up but costs so much.

Mm, oh, Andrew and I talked a bit about Kendo stuff. Of course, I went to the Palo Alto competition for him >_> Of course, I was there to support him in all his glory haha... No, really, I cheered him on when he was up. Totally impressed by his skills, especially after taking a year off (I was wrong before. I thought he had said he took a month off). Ooh, another competition sometime in June. And haha his kiai is so soft XP Had to laugh about that.


Hm, I feel like there's a lot I need to do this summer. Is there? I can't be sure. But I am sure there are plenty of things I want to do -shrug- Oh, I still need to actually make my tentative class schedule for next semester. Hm.


Anyway, yeah, that's all I'm gonna say tonight. If you need me, call or text. Only if you NEED to talk to me 'cause I don't have that many minutes or texts.


Mm, there's a lot of things on my mind tonight. A lot of things I'm wishing for, I suppose. But really, I need sleep. I need focus. I need direction. I need to not want anything so much haha. Stop wanting, and I should be happy. But really, what I need, what I want is...

How revealing...

Or not.


I occasionally edit my profile on Facebook. Adding information, removing information. I get tired of the information I leave on there. There's so much I want to say, yet so little I want to share. Besides, it seems that no one ever reads the profiles before or after they add a friend. When people add me, they tend to ask questions to which the answers have already been given. So I figure I should just remove all information about myself. But I don't because I'm still holding onto the hope that people check.

Really, what is the point of having a profile if nobody ever reads them? I read them. Obviously, my friends wouldn't mind if I knew stuff about them. So I read.

So I was editing my profile this morning because I didn't know what else to do. I removed some of the few facts I had there. I didn't really add anything. Well, I revealed my birth date because my friends keep wondering why I don't share it. I don't know. I just don't care if people remember. And well, it means more to me if they can remember on their own without Facebook's reminders. But eh -shrug- again, why should I care? A birthday is just another day.

I removed all my favorite book titles. No one really cares. Actually, I'm pretty sure no one cares that I edited my profile. It's a trivial matter. Thank goodness. We're not completely sucked into the online social networking lifestyle.

I reduced the number of favorite quotes to the three that I am most fond of. A quote from The Buddha (Siddhartha Gautama), a quote from Elbert Hubbard, and a quote from Real Live Preacher (Gordon Atkinson). They speak to me haha.

When I got to the "About Me" section, I didn't know what to write. When I had gotten my second Facebook, I left the section blank. Then I put in two or three long paragraphs. Then reduced it down to one paragraph. Then a few lines. Then two lines.

This morning, I started writing something new:
"I feel like I never use the right words. So I resort to silent understanding. I don't know how to comfort people; I just know to hug when I should."

Then I stopped. Is this how I want to "introduce" myself to people? I mean, pretty much everyone who is a friend on Facebook already knows me (well, hopefully they do). How do I talk about myself with people who already know who I am? (Bigger question: How do I talk to people?)

So I went back to my original two-liner and changed it to one: "I am friend or stranger, but I will never be your enemy."

Corny and lame. But better that than some "Hi, my name is... I like..."

I want to delete my Facebook again because it makes me think like this. I have "friends" (fewer than in my first account), but I don't really talk with most of them. We don't keep in touch. Not even a poke. What is Facebook doing for me? Why do I have a Facebook? Why did I get another one? Oh yeah, because I needed to talk to one person and the only way to contact her was through Facebook. I was supposed to just use Facebook to talk to people when I needed to. But then friends started adding me or asking me to add them. And I, being the nice person that I am, oblige and am left feeling disappointed.

People who know who I am and who kinda care about me. But they don't really care. They have closer friends to think about. Why do I care so much?

There's not much to do on Facebook. Yet, I log on at least once every day. I suppose Facebook helps me keep up with what's going on in people's lives. But I'm trying to not do anything on the computer. But I have nothing to do. Except reading and doing homework. I need to go to campus to do homework. I have no focus at home. Schoolwork should remain in school. Not home.

Honestly, I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone. I know I am.

Facebook makes me feel more detached from the world than it should.


What am I doing? I'm complaining.. About what's not happening. About what I'm not doing. About what I'm not trying. Passivity. It's a vice.

I'm complaining. Why am I complaining? I don't deserve to complain. What a vice.

What deserts shall I receive, if any? None, I shall have none, for I have not done.
Or should it be "None, I shall have none, for naught I have done"? I don't know if either is grammatically correct. I think the latter sounds better and is more poetically appealing though :P


Change. I need change. Or else I'm gonna be in this funk for much too long. A change in environment. A change in mindset. A change in something.

I'll figure it out. I will.

Merry Christmas, folks...

Just another day. Got about an hour of sporadic moments of sleep this morning. Got up at 8. Mother was still asleep. Brother was still at his friend's (where he is again now). I went online. Said "Merry Christmas" to D. No gifts or anything (no money, you know), but it's all good.

Watched "9" and "The Final Destination" today. Both movies were pretty good. "9" made me sad, but I liked it. I was sad that the group lost so many and couldn't get them back at the end :( I was hoping... Anyway, TFD had a friggin' awesome intro/credits and ending. More blood in this installment. More irony, too, I suppose. All good stuff. Story, as always, is old, but the deaths were pretty cool. Only one of the deaths I didn't see coming XP and it was the least ingenious one haha. Hmm...

Might watch another movie after this.

Anyway, yeah, this was pretty much my day at home. Online movies. Also figuring where the halfway point between San Jose and Hayward is because a girl's buying one of my textbooks through Craigslist. Hm.


Today really wasn't very interesting. Don't know why I'm updating about it. Maybe because it's Christmas day and it's supposed to be interesting. Eh.


Oh, I just deleted another couple of people off of my AIM list. I have ten buddies left :O I don't know why I do this. Can't believe I used to have over 100 buddies, most of whom I did talk to. Hm. I think I do this every time I decide I'm going ease/cut off my use of something. So eventually, I may actually stop using AIM :O That's such a crazy thought to me haha. Been using it for the past seven or so years. Ahh, I'll go through withdrawal symptoms @_@ I just need to find that life of mine. Maybe I'll be ok then haha.

I'll be healthier this way in the long run -nods- I'm just gonna feel bad for the ones who expect me to be there to talk to once in a while -__- Eh, well, there's Facebook. And phones. Yeah, it'll be ok -nods- Hmm... My buddy list is so empty O___O One day, I'll be able to uninstall AIM without looking back, mm hmm.

Ahhh, it's just AIM. Not like my life is going to end without it >_> I'm so weird. It's just AIM. A compulsion. Ah well, I won't be stopping it for a while. Or maybe I should try over this break. Yeah. I should. Hm. But I'll still go on for the three people who still talk to me XP yeaah.

This is pathetic. I'm talking about breaking off my connection with AIM -__- It's become rooted in my life. Sad.

Maybe I shouldn't stop. Maybe just moderate the amount of time I spend on it. Yeah. That's what resolutions are for XP Hopefully, I'll stick to it better next year.


And whoa, six days plus four-and-a-half hours left of 2009. Crazy quick year. Feels like I only went to that Wrawsome Christmas party a few months ago. 2010, new decade. New things. New experiences. Hopefully, things get better. 2009 was good, but I need 2010 to be better. How? I don't know. It just needs to be. A lot of doubt, anger, and foolishness this year (and years past, of course). There needs to be less next year.

Maybe I'll finally find my motivation next year. I still haven't found it, even after all these years I've been talking about it. Motivation. The real kind. I need it.


-sigh- There's been some changes this year, I suppose. Not sure if they're good or bad. But I'm trying to be positive.

Next year, I'll try not to obsess too much about stuff. Clear out this bank of emotions, you know? I've done it once before. I'll do it again. It's better that way, yes? Yes. No more false hopes. No more yes-then-no bullshit. No more fooling myself into thinking I deserve things that I know I don't.

2010 will be okely dokely :D Chyeah!

(Oh, I see the irony in what I just said haha.)

And please tell me there's gonna be a New Year's party. I wanna count down with the friends (: Or we should at least do a sleepover thing -shrug- Just do something together, yeah? Maybe go back up on the hill. Just chill. We need to chill before you all go back to school the next day -nods-



Playing "Bloodsport" by Sneaker Pimps

I was left behind...

in a dream this afternoon :(

Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.

This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...


Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.

Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-

Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-

My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):


Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.

I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.

I just want to listen.


-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...

My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP


Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.


I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.


akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.


Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.

Yay, Internet

I don't know what I've been doing at home without Internet the past couple of days. A lot of reading, I guess.

But finally got DSL at home. Wooo.

Anyway, this week has been decent. Chillin' with people at school as usual.

Today (Thursday) was kinda long. Went to Physics and Philosophy. Don't know why I go to Physics, but I do. Hm, keep Lisa company haha. Philosophy was interesting (group-led discussions. My group went on Tuesday, fun stuff). After Philosophy, I was walking toward the library. Prof Giddings walked up beside me and told me I should be a Philosophy major, hmm.

Borrowed a laptop in the library, chilled with Albert. Made up the lab that I missed on Tuesday because I couldn't find it then. Albert showed me where it was :P Did the lab with Thanh G (my usual partner). Finished around 15h00. Went to Tully's in the MLK. Shared a sandwich. Went to the music building to listen to her play piano. I played "Happy Birthday" after several failed attempts at trying to remember the notes haha. I play by ear, you know :P Fun stuff...


Quick recap of the week:

Monday: I don't remember anything. Well, I remember that Tatiana and I practiced our routine a lil bit after some changes because we forgot our original routine XP

Tuesday: No Physics, so I chilled in Shiva's room. Went to Philosophy at 1030. Discussion, I said like two things, while David G (group member) did the rest of the talking. Our group was not prepared, for we did not communicate about the discussion beforehand. Well, I sent David a message on Facebook haha. And we used my topic suggestion (outsourcing jobs) :P But that's really all I contributed. David did all the research XP I feel so bad. Anyway, after Philosophy, went back to Shiva's. Chilled till 1330. Mainly I just sat there, while she worked on a paper. Then I went to Lab, but I couldn't find the room I was supposed to go to in Duncan Hall (people couldn't help me either). By the time I was half an hour late to the lab, I gave up. Went to the library and chilled with Harrison. Used his laptop for personal business :P Looked at the Bernal '07 yearbook :D Good times, good times. Talked about movies and random stuff. Spent a good fifteen minutes looking at stuff on Cute Overload XD like O-M-G I could die from the cuteness ^_^ haha.... Then we went to Burger King. Saw a rat :O Been hearing about them, but I hadn't actually seen one till Tuesday. Harrison touched it -___-He almost touched my face with that hand DX I would have cried. Ok, maybe not, but he would have been on the ground two seconds later if he had touched me. I made him use lots of hand sanitizer. After that, he went back to the library, and I met up with Shiva again. She was coming back from Safeway. Watched her stuff the fridge. Then chilled in her room again (I know I chill with her a lot. I'd chill with people this much if they were free to chill when I could). Good times, yeah. Left at 1830, so that I could go home with Harrison at the usual time. Don't want Mother to think I'm doing stupid shit or anything -_-

Wednesday: Dance final. 48/50. Mostly my fault. I got hella nervous, thinking about how we only practiced together twice. So I slipped up twice. Bah! I was doing so well, too ): Ah, whatever, I've got an A in this class. It's all good. Q&A was fun. Just sat around and talked. Played 13. Oh, Rahul gave me a HRC sticker. Too bad I don't have my own car to put it on XP


Blaahhh. I'm too tired to recall more details of the week. Just know that this week was pretty good, routine or not, but really slow compared to all the other weeks that have passed by. Though, Christine and Lisa told me this week passed by way quick for them :O I dunno, this week was kinda weird for me. Must have been the lack of Internet access XP Gave me too much time to think >_<


Today, I had "Replay" by Iyaz on repeat haha. How fitting. Catchy song :P


Man, I am so happy that I have Internet at home again. Seriously. I've nothing better to do. I really can only remember reading at home. And sleeping. Oh, and watching three DVDs. "The Chaos Experiment" was interesting, but I'm not sure I understand the ending. "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" was all right, kinda typical romantic comedy, not really that interesting. Not sure I like Matthew McConaughey's movies anymore, how sad. "In the Valley of Elah" depressed me ): but I liked it.


Mm, three days left, yay. Hockey final tomorrow. Don't know what I'm gonna do after that yet. Monday and Tuesday will be kinda long because I'll be wanting my classes to end quickly. No lab on Tuesday so I'll just be chilling on campus. Then not sure what I'ma do for the rest of the week. Finals weeks after. Then visit ST. Then again, don't know what I'ma be doing. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm trying to fill in my time XP

But anyway, now, I must answer emails and messages haha. Fun stuff. Bad compulsions, I know.

Six days of classes left this semester...

Plus, two days of finals. Then I am done. Can't wait.

Dance final might happen on Wednesday. Apparently, Oscar's gonna choose randomly who goes. Tatiana and I forgot our routine today XP So a bit of rearranging was in order. Still got a good routine. Though, we haven't practiced with the music D: So I don't know how off-beat we're gonna be. We were supposed to practice today after class, but we got distracted with her trying to find outside dance classes to go to within the next week. I think she's going to the place where Ariane's crew practices, I'm not sure.


Oh, this weekend, I think Autumn said there was gonna be a going-away party for Grant. Not sure yet. But yeah, I wanna go. Haven't seen Grant in quite a while. Can't believe he's going into the Air Force. So many people going into the Air Force. Most of them I don't know well, but still. Just so many. I'm proud of them though. I'd go for the military if I had the physical capacity XP and the courage to defy "family obligations" >_> haha... ahh, so if the party is happening, we should go! Support the troops! Yeah!


Anyway, my Internet died last night. Right before I was gonna answer Facebook messages -_- I spent all night and this morning fretting. Bah! I should have gotten those people's phone numbers. I should call people instead of relying on the Interwebz, but you already know I don't like talking on the phone XP If I offer to talk to you on the phone, it must mean I really like you, or you're just very useful to me muahahaha. Also, we only have a 700-minute plan now, split between four phones, with Brother using up at least 500 of those minutes already. So yeaah, doesn't really work. This is why everyone should switch to Verizon and get texting :P Or I should get a job and switch over to AT&T, since that's what most people seem to have -_-

Eh, I'm straying... so we canceled Comcast cable and added AT&T Internet. No more illegal Internet hook-ups XP But I won't have Internet at home until Thursday at the earliest. So I will probably mooch off of other people's Interwebz for the next three days. Like I am now (at D's). I find it sad that I'm obsessing about this. I thought I could live without the Internet. Maybe during breaks. But not during the semester. I hella need to check for professor emails and stuff that includes Facebook messages >_< It's so sad. I feel pathetic.


Haha I realize I still do everything online despite not having Internet at home. Oh, I am soo using people this week :P I shall repay them. In hugs and stuff. I don't know what stuff, but something.

I'm distancing myself from people...

I was listening to "No Rain" by Blind Melon and "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin. Good songs. Kinda fit my mood and at the same time tried to lift my mood. Now, I've got my Within Temptation playlist on. No more want for mood-lifters.


So I was chatting with Robert B and a friend I've never met, George, who happens to go to SJSU as well. Talked about friendship. Mostly my friendships in general.

Aside from Maggie (Hiii ^_^) and my SJSU/ST-alum friends (Albert, Lisa, Rose, Angela), I don't actually talk to anyone from high school much anymore. And Maggie, you know we don't even talk that often. Like maybe once or twice a month. Online. Or through text.

And I've really only talked to Albert about five times this whole semester. I haven't actually seen him in at least two weeks because I haven't been going to the Tuesday lunches. Lisa, I see every morning after we get off the light rail. Plus, we've got Physics together. Rose and Angela, I haven't seen them since the last Tuesday lunch I went to, as well. And really, they're all good friends, but I don't really consider them the same as the close friends I had in high school.


Blahh... I find it irksome how much things change. I've said this probably a hundred times, but I have major letting-go issues. I mean, I know things are always changing, either minimally or drastically. I just can't get over it. I used to pride myself on being flexible and adaptable, but, thinking back to how things used to be, I don't feel like I can handle it sometimes. I still flex and adapt, but I miss the past way too much.

I miss the newness of things. Now, everything feels so routine, bland, stuck, yet too different. Even new things aren't new anymore (I don't know how to explain it). Or maybe that's just how I feel. Feelings aren't logical. So maybe I should disregard them. Mm..


I really just want to talk to people again. Like, really talk. And keep talking. But I've already acknowledged that I've lost touch with my closest friends from high school. Even the girls from Friday (I love you, ladies. Really, I do).

I just... don't know how to put what I'm feeling/thinking into words. I'm trying.

I know I have friends who are here for me... I just don't feel like we're close enough anymore for me to disclose even half of the things I think about. Yeah, we (or really, they) can talk about sex and relationships, but I don't know why I feel this way, but I've felt like this for a long time (>2 years). I just never really thought about it. I might have said something before, but I always pushed back the thoughts when they got this deep.

I have friends. Good friends. Close friends. We're here for each other. It just doesn't feel like we're always here.

^And this is the best I can do to explain what I think about this topic.


You know, I feel like I'm typing all this, but you don't really get what I'm putting forward. You don't see me saying this shit. You don't see how much this tears at me..


After some thought: I have a few friends I can complain to (Thank you. I know I complain about myself and my family too often). I just don't feel I have any friends I can confide in. I know I have friends who care. I just don't know who would have the patience to listen, to keep pushing me, to stick around.

Everyone's just so busy now. With their social lives, new friends, new hobbies, degrees, futures, whatever... I'm trapping myself with thinking. Not doing.

I'm doing this to myself. No wonder.


Mm, yay for me trying to open up. On a blog. Eh. It's a step.


So yesterday, I cleaned up my Facebook friend list and AIM buddy list a lil bit. Still have a lot of people who don't say anything to me. But I deleted half my buddy list. The people who are still there are most those who talk to me once or twice a year haha. Eh -shrug-

The past four weeks, I've only talked to four people on AIM. Before, I barely went on AIM anyway. Dunno why I've been on almost every day lately -__- Most people never start conversations with me. Even before, I have always been the one to start the conversation with almost everyone else. And a reply was never guaranteed. And the conversation was always short. People are just busy, bored, apathetic. So I've stopped trying as much as I used to.

Mm, so I'm deleting more people on AIM now. Doesn't matter. They don't really care, nor do I anymore. Maybe I'll just go on AIM for the few people who still talk to me from time to time. Yeah.

Ah, and Facebook. I really don't like social networking websites. It's like the only way I talk to people anymore. And I don't even talk to them all that much on there. Not good at all. Feels so not effective.

Sometimes, I consider not talking to people. At all. Just cut myself off from everyone. Silence. Complete silence. Alone. Maybe, I'd stop thinking like this, feeling like this.

Ok. I'm not gonna care anymore. Just do what I do. Keep in touch with who I can. Don't think so much about it (so difficult).


Ugh, I'm just tired of thinking, but I can't stop. Thinking too much.....

Thanksgiving 2009

At D's again. Seriously need to get a legit Internet hook-up soon. I want my Interwebz. Sooo many emails after just a day -___- I don't like it when my inbox starts to fill up. I have to check at least twice a day. It's a compulsion. So sad.

Anyway, today, Brother and I went to get lobster and bo la lop (Viet food. Roll your own beef spring rolls) for the family repast :P It was our Thanksgiving lunch. Not dinner. Because we're weird like that.

Some negativity during the mastication process, but it passed over. Mostly just talked about past Thanksgivings, other people, and Brother's past and future. Fun stuff. Actually, I'm not really sure what we talked about, but it was quite nice to be sitting at the same table with the fam despite some raised voices and whatnot.

I had to drive the family around today too cuz Brother isn't allowed to drive and Mother won't drive -_- I'm tiiired. But I still gotta drive home after this. Bah!

So the weekend is going to be fun hopefully. Asked Mother if I could go out with friends tomorrow and sleep over at someone's place. She did not want to say yes, even though I told her it was a late birthday celebration with high school friends. She yelled at me instead -_- but later she gave me the silent I'm-angry-but-you-can-go nod. So tomorrow, dinner and then clubbing. Hopefully, it will all work out. Of course, I didn't tell her that I was gonna go clubbing >_> She would have bitched at me to no end. Seriously. She has yelled at me about going clubbing when I never even brought it up. In fact, it was Brother who did, but he goes out all the time. I don't. So I don't really see the connection.

But anyway, yeah. Gah, I don't know what to do with myself without Internet at home. I've just been reading, eating, and sleeping. Not my idea of a good weekend. I wanna at least go out and chill or something.

Though, I guess it's good that I won't be on the computer so much this weekend. I really need to find a hobby or activity to occupy myself XP


I've been finding myself deleting great portions of my entries before I post them. How sad. Guess I can't spill everything on here. Sorry. I'm trying though. I know (or am assuming) you wanna know what's going on in my life. I'm trying to put it all out there for you guys, but I don't even know who reads this. I don't want some stranger to read this (it's happened) and comment saying some weird shit (again, it's happened).

You know, I realize, after all these years of keeping blogs, how much I really hate talking about myself. Yet, I still do this cuz for some strange reason I think it's a good way for friends to keep up with my life, if they do indeed read them.

Gah, so much negative. Sorry. I feel like negative is all I can be when I'm alone or just in my head. I'm just gonna continue to be the same self-deprecating but supportive person that I've always been ^_^ Positive for you, negative for me. It's worked out for me so far. No worries, yeah?

Aye, I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. Probably means I should end this.


Wow, I really didn't have much to say about Thanksgiving haha. I'm so lame XP


Anyway, tomorrow's gonna be fun, yeah? Yeah. Maybe Saturday too. Could be a spectator at the football game with Q&A folks. Fun stuff :)

When I fall hard, that means I'm trying

Internet! Yay. I have been without Internet for four days. Normally, I wouldn't mind it. But I have been waiting for urgent emails and Facebook messages -_- Well, D fixed my Internet, so when I go home, I will be connected again.

Again, sad that technology rules my life. I need a hobby, as I've said so many times before.


Anyway, this week has been a good week. Seriously. I was pretty happy this week. Or at least content. Very little family drama, very little anger. Of course, when I acknowledged this yesterday, Mother had to ruin it. I guess I jinxed it.


Wednesday, two or three of the followers in my dance class told me I was a good leader :) That made me happy. I know I'm getting better. Just didn't think I was getting good enough for people to notice :P

Also, one of the girls who was really bothered about dancing with me seemed to warm up. She didn't throw my hands away when we finished dancing. She smiled. And she actually spoke in sentences to me. Before, it was just a nod, a forced smile, and "yeah" "mm hmm." Progress, yay!

Thursday, I wasn't in class for much of the day. Physics lasted like half an hour because Shao wanted to give us a break (a much needed one). In Philosophy, we got out a little bit early because Prof Giddings had to leave early.

Went to Game Night. Kinda late because Christina got lost finding my place. Ended up with only five people showing up for Game Night. Might have been because of the Fire in the Fountain thing, Homecoming stuff. But it was fun. Played Mario Kart and Brawl. I kept losing XP I don't like the Wii remote. Christina brought a board game, but no one really wanted to play haha. The Settlers of Catan or something like that. Maybe next week.

Friday, hockey. Had a sub. He worked us a little harder than Mike or Matt. I actually participated in the activities this time. Of course, I was always last to finish. And I got the easier courses 'cause I couldn't keep up. And I kept falling. Still clumsy. I might be imagining it, but I think I fell even harder than I did last week. Painful. My butt hurts. Eventually, my left leg went numb, so I sat out for the last half hour of class. Regained feeling, yay, glad I didn't break anything.

When I was leaving the building, one of my classmates, whom I've never spoken to, yelled out to me, "Hey, you're getting better!" or something to that effect. I was happy. Of course, it's possible that she wasn't talking to me; she was kinda far away :P

Two compliments in a week haha. Of course, people could just be saying nice, polite things, but it feels good to hear these things. I never thought that compliments could actually lift my spirits. I always just accepted them as niceties, except when I said them. Usually. I can never tell when people are being genuine, so I either give them the benefit of the doubt or, when I'm in a pessimistic mood, believe they're just being nice not genuine.


Ah, well, that was my week. The only thing that sucked about it was Mother made me order a $200 diamond ring from Jewelry TV. I seriously wish I was mute. I would never have to speak on the phone again. Anyway, yeah, wasting money on something she can't even use, something I don't care for. Ah, c'est la vie, right?


Ayee, I've got an essay to work on this weekend. Due Wednesday. Need research. Shoot.

Now, I gotta go read the rest of my emails and Fb messages. Important stuff. Seriously. I can't believe I haven't been on my accounts in days.

Those were the most queers I have ever been around...

Yay, SF Pride 2009! My first Pride experience. Penises and breasts. Yeah. Literally hanging out. Naked people are still people. But... well... let's just say those images were abrasive to my eyes.

Fun fun fun. Went with Brian, Trung, and their Breakthrough colleague, Jasmin. Brian drove us to the Millbrae BART station. Twenty-minute train ride. Got off at the Civic Center stop with probably hundreds of other Pride folks.

Got to the Pride parade at about 1300. Spent about an hour watching the end of the parade. Walked in it for a bit at the end.

Went to look for food. Loooong lines. Expensive food.

Met another Breakthrough colleague, Jacob (and later, his friends whose names I do not recall). The four of them got food from an Asian tent, I think. I saved money, didn't buy food, spent a total of $11.75 today :P

Oh, I saw Erica from my first semester acting class. Since the crowd was pushing me forward, we couldn't talk and only managed a handshake before parting haha.

Later, went to the Main Stage to watch BoA. However, her appearance was delayed by almost two hours -__- Fey, Rubber Side Down, Solange, The Cliks. Good stuff, but we were waiting for BoA. When BoA finally came on, I couldn't see her because the tall/Asian people in front of me decided to stand on their tiptoes and stick their cameras in the air to capture her performance -_- And BoA only sang three songs, while everyone else before her sang at least four songs :( And there was a fat guy next to me who kept lifting his arm to shield his eyes from the sun. His armpit, ugh. Right next to my face DX

But during one of BoA's songs, there was a girl in front of me. We were standing back to front because I couldn't move out of that position :P She started dancing. Haha talk about inadvertent freaking -___-

My eyes feel like they've been in a toaster oven. Even though Jasmin allowed the rest of us to use some of her sunscreen, the two hours that we stood in the sun gave me a sunburn on my nose and partially on my cheeks. Mother's not happy about that. But hey, she didn't complain about me coming home at almost 2100. So that's good.

Anyway, after BoA, tried to go find the A&PI area. Found it. Just a bunch of people dancing.

Left Pride to find water and milkshakes. Settled at a little Asian liquor store (ironic because it didn't sell alcohol, so convenience store?). Paid $1.25 for a $1.10 Arizona Iced Tea. Oh, I know, I'm so generous :P

Walked around the block. Back to Pride, ghetto side haha. Wanted to find where The Cliks were selling their CD, but we were too late. Saw a bit of Atomic Blonde's performance ^_^ Then danced a little because we didn't know where we were going and ended up in a dancing quarter. Then tried to find someone selling belts (I forgot to wear a belt because I generally don't wear belts anymore). Couldn't.

Then this was when we decided to go home. Jacob took a different BART train home. The rest of us went back to Millbrae. Not much talking. Too exhausted. I listened to my iPod, no headphones, earphones instead. Lip synching along because I felt like it.

SF Pride made me realize I have a small list of things I need to buy the next time I go to the mall or something (just because I want to):
cap (solid black or gray)
sunglasses (cheap but protects against UV)
belt (I have two belts already, but maybe I'll get a rainbow one :D haha. I need more rainbow in my accessories just for fun. I didn't wear my armband today though)
chapstick haha

I think I might go to Pride again next year if people want to go. Seriously was the first time I've ever seen a bunch of queer people in one place. Hope next year I'll have someone special to go with :P Today, lots of couples, made me feel lonely XP I need to stop feeling lonely, you know. And jealous haha.

And no, I have no souvenirs. Didn't buy anything except for a drink. Couldn't find a belt. Didn't really wanna spend money. Trying to save as much as possible. Yeah.


Anyway, need to friend Trung on Fb to get photos haha. He'll be my first Fb friend. Yeah, I don't remember if I said it before, but I have a new Fb. Haven't been using it. More like an emergency contact thing. Not gonna friend people this time unless I have to. And I'll only accept requests from people who actually talk to me, not just someone who recognizes me or whatever.


Not too much detail because I'm tired, my legs are sore from standing and walking for seven hours.

Fall 2009 Registration

So I woke up at 0840 today. Got up, showered, and went to the store to buy stuff for my mom. I rushed and accidentally bought onions instead of garlic -_-

Anyway, I wanted to get home in time to start registering for classes at 0940. Good timing. I signed up for my classes. I got held up with my last PE class though. I couldn't decide between Step Training MW or Ice Hockey F. Ahh, that delay put me on the wait list for Beginning Social Dance (someone signed up for it just before I did, meaning they confirmed before I did). I want that class! Just because it fits so well into my schedule.

So my official schedule (for now) is as follows:


Monday
0900-1015 AAS 33A (Asian American US History/Politics)
1030-1145 KIN 46A (Beginning Social Dance) --Wait list
1230-1320 KIN 34 (Step Training)

Tuesday
0900-1015 PHYS 1 (Elementary Physics)
1030-1145 PHIL 61 (Moral Philosophy)
1330-1620 PHYS 1L (Elementary Physics Lab)

Wednesday
0900-1015 AAS 33A (Asian American US History/Politics)
1030-1145 KIN 46A (Beginning Social Dance) --Wait list
1230-1320 KIN 34 (Step Training)

Thursday
0900-1015 PHYS 1 (Elementary Physics)
1030-1145 PHIL 61 (Moral Philosophy)

Friday
0950-1130 KIN 65A (Beginning Ice Hockey)


There are only five PE classes left that I am eligible to sign up for. There are the Social Dance class and the Ice Hockey class. There are two Step Training classes, but apparently the professor is terribly flaky and too textbook-oriented. There's a Rugby class, but it's off-campus and I would have to go home on the light rail and then drive back.

I'm not sure if I'll keep Ice Hockey. Though, I think I have to. I can't get into any other classes. Damn, I got the last pickings. Oh well, I'll try to be happy with what I get.

I don't know if I'll get KIN 46A. Grr. I'm still a little ticked. Almost got a full schedule, but now I have to wait and see if I'll get the dance class. If I get Social Dance, then I'll drop Step Training. If not, then I guess I'll keep the flaky professor.

Ayee, I hope someone doesn't show up to the first two days of Social Dance so I can get that class haha.

Now, this means I shouldn't buy the textbooks for Step Training until I know for sure which class I get.

Oh, please tell me I won't have to buy too many textbooks. I still need to sell my old ones. I need to find time.

Aye, I hope I get used to whatever schedule I get too. I'm used to starting and ending at the same times every day. This next semester, I start at the same times, but I end at a different time each day. What fun. We'll see what happens.


Oh, I forgot to mention that I created a new Facebook just so I could ask someone about the Ice Hockey class :P Now, I'm just going to leave my account there. If you want to add me again, go ahead. But I'm probably not going to add others myself. At least for a while. Need my break from Fb.

Virtual Memory Minimum Too Low

Hmm, I didn't get to update yesterday because my Internet browser apparently crashed. Or that's what the little warning message said.

Anyway, I really was just going to say that over the past ten or so years, my family managed to save up $238.61 in change. Mostly my mom did. She doesn't like using change.

So yesterday, we decided that our containers of change (sounds so euphemistic) were too heavy to leave in the house. We went to Lucky and used the Coinstar. Took about fifteen minutes to get all the change in. There was one useless dime that we tried putting in three times, and the machine kept coughing it back up. And there were two pennies that were glued together haha.

But yeah, that was fun. People were staring at us because we stood at the machine for too long or something. I dunno.

And I totally believe this entry would be more interesting if I had updated about this yesterday, post-excitement and all :P


Anyway, the reason I couldn't use my entire computer yesterday was because the virtual memory was low. I didn't know what that meant, so I asked Ryan T. Basically, when it's low, the computer slows waayyy down. For my computer though, it wouldn't even open anything. It didn't even want to shut down.

But today, D sent me an email to try to fix the speed problem. And so far, I think it's working. No error messages yet, and I've been on the computer for about an hour. So that's good.

As long as it works tomorrow for half an hour in the morning, I will be happy. I need to sign up for my classes. If I don't get to log on at exactly 0940 tomorrow, I'm gonna be pissed.


I'm hearing sounds in the corner of the ceiling and walls of my kitchen. I think birds have made a nest in our wall just outside the kitchen and under the patio roof thing. Cool. Though, my mom isn't happy about it. If the birds' eggs keep dropping, ants are going to keep coming up for more.


Yeah, ok. I seriously need to get to the library this week. I'm sooo tired of going online all the time. Want books.

Just 2 more finals...

Today was the last day of instruction. Last day of my first year of college. Yay. Even though I still have two more finals (EDCO and Anthro), I'm happy I have no more homework for the next three months haha.

I kinda did a jump-skippy thing today after I got out of EDCO. I'm saving my happy dance until after my Anthro final on Monday :P

I've been trying to figure out my schedule for next semester. 6 classes, 4 days a week. It took me over an hour to arrange it, aiming for sufficient food breaks and such. I have my "ideal" schedule. Hopefully, when I register for classes on June 23rd, the classes that I want will still be open. And I hope I get good teachers. However, either the instructors have not been chosen for the courses yet or Ratemyprofessors.com doesn't have all the instructors on there.

But I realize some professors aren't on the website because the school rotates its professors. Errr, well, the TAs, or Teaching Associates. Like Prof Williams, my Engl 1B prof, is basically being booted out because she finished her two years of being a TA at SJSU.


Hmm, what else to say... Been getting a lot of papers back. Fun stuff. I've actually scored well on some homework, which is surprising. I didn't think I did well on them. Hm.

Mm, so Amy G says I should make a new Facebook, and this time I should just add my closest friends. Hmm. I do miss talking to a few people, but even my closest friends don't really reply anymore because, you know, we kinda just assume that we talk to each other in person enough or something. I dunno. My closest friends should know that they can always call or text me. We don't need Fb, though I haven't seen any of their new photos. Ah, I don't know. I gotta think about it. Honestly, I felt like a stalker on Fb haha because I was always checking out other people's profiles, waiting for replies and stuff *shrug* I do miss reconnecting with elementary school friends :/ Mm, we'll see what I decide. If I do decide to make another Fb, I probably wouldn't add too many people this time. My old Fb had about 190 friends, most of whom never bothered to say anything to me online -_- If I make another, I'll be sure to add people who I know will say something. Yeaah.

I don't like social networks. They will be the bane of our modern existence XP haha, but it really is nice to reconnect with folks once in a while. I dunno, sometimes I think I like reconnecting more than connecting with people hahaha. But you know you can't reconnect unless you connected first :P

Anyway, not much else to say really, now that I'm thinking hahaha. So I'm just gonna nap, catch up on TV shows, or something. Got stuff to do for the next week or so: review/study, take finals, visit ST, visit a friend. And I will start exercising regularly (I hope) and doing productive things over the summer hahaha.

Yeah, ok, later.

Let's encourage lunacy (:

I'm not really sure what I wanna write about today, but I wanna write about something.


Ooh, and I really did spend the past two nights working on my Poli Sci essay :D Usually, when I say I'll work on something over a period of days, I actually only spend half that time doing it at the last minute. So I'm proud of myself. And the 47-page reading wasn't too bad, but I didn't finish it haha. But I finished my essay at midnight last night and submitted. I don't think I analyzed the case well, but it's over. So I'm happy.

I still have my English essay and four EDCO assignments to work on. I can do it. I'm gonna try to do half of my EDCO homework tonight. I'm just waiting for my headache to ease up a little bit before I try.


Updated Important dates:
English Final -- 5/9 (in TWO days)
English Essay 5 -- 5/5 *I actually wrote down the wrong date (it's not 5/12), but it doesn't matter because I got sick.
Last Day of Instruction -- 5/13
Anth Final Review Session -- 5/14
EDCO Final -- 5/15
Anth Final -- 5/18


So I haven't talked about any random topic lately. So self-centered, I know :P haha.

Even though, in my Poli Sci class, we've been reading and discussing legal issues, such as illegal immigration (today) and marijuana legalization. Fun stuff. People have been giving speeches on this stuff in class too. My speech on physician-assisted suicide went better than I thought. 190 out of 200 points. I thought my speech went to fast and stuff, but I guess not. Whew. I pretty much only got docked points for referring to my notes too much. Couldn't help it. I didn't know my speech because I got sick the week that I had planned to use to memorize it.

Anyway, in my English class, we were talking about our in-class essay (prep for the Saturday final) from Tuesday. And I started doing the crossword page notes thing again. I haven't done that in a while haha.

But yeah, here are some of my random thoughts:


So our prompt included a bit (by Karl Palachuk) about Socrates, his being sentenced to death for living an "examined life"/commiting heresy, and our modern-day avoidance of living the "examined life." There was also a second part (by Sherry Turkle) about technology, particularly the Internet, and its influences on children's intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. Apparently, there were both good and bad influences, but I only saw the mention of the bad. The good influence part totally didn't catch my attention -_- but hey, I still got an A- haha.

Aanyway, so children who play RPGs and use chat rooms are more likely to use the Internet as a refuge from the real world and experiment with their identity/personality ("good" influence). However, many do not develop their "authentic selves" ("bad" influence). They're so used to making up stories about their characters and pretending to be someone else online, and so they don't know how to be themselves in real life with real people. That's what Turkle says.

Hmm, yeah, so my thoughts were flowing during class when we were discussing the prompt, but right now, I'm not sure what I should say haha.

Online self vs. "real" self? Good or bad?
I've played MMORPGs, and I don't have too hard of a time interacting with people. When I do have a hard time, it's not because I'm online too much. I'm just too reserved -_- haha. And I think that people can usually distinguish between fantasy and reality. I mean, there are some people who don't realize that people can't die and die again in real life. But for the most part, people should learn this.

Those who say that the Internet has predators believe it is dangerous. The Internet is not dangerous. The people who use it can be. The things people do online can lead to dangerous things. But the Internet itself is not dangerous. You don't die just because you go online. What makes the Internet seem dangerous is when the online world overlaps the real world. Online predators are dangerous when you meet them, not when you talk to them through the screen.


Ah, so Prof Williams told the class that most of us didn't get both the good and the bad in the second part. I think it's because of the "but." Turkle put the good part first and then said "but..." the bad part haha. And I usually think the stuff you say after the "but" is stronger. So the negative stuck to me and the good just flew over my head. I hope I don't do that on the final haha. You, remember to reread your prompts while you're writing just in case you misread something. It will save you :P


Mm, so I didn't say what I was really thinking about that^, but I don't know how to say it -_- haha. So something else.


Let's talk about what defines a person. Hmm. So what defines a person? Everything, nothing, whatever.

I think everything counts. Every little detail, every big detail. You never know which details are real, but even the falsehood of the details tells you something about a person.

But people shouldn't assume they know a person through and through just because of what they observe. Remember: You never know what you don't know. You only know what you might know. Basically, nothing is ever for sure. So maybe you can't really define a person after all. Because who really knows the truth about anyone else? haha Some people don't even know much about themselves. Like me :P


Hmm, I can't focus on any of these topics now -_- This sucks. I really wanted to put down my opinion about these things. Now, it's just gone.


Oh, and sometimes first impressions really suck. If you're the HR person for a company and an applicant walks into the room with torn and dirty clothes on, I don't think you should assume that he's not a good applicant. Yeah, he may be an unorganized, lazy worker. But appearances can't always tell you everything. Yeah, you're supposed to look good for an interview. But hey, maybe he did look good when he left the house, and then something happened to him on the way to the interview. He should have went home and rescheduled the interview? Maybe he was so close to the interview that he decided to take a chance and just go to the interview. Determination, yeah?

I just don't think we should let first impressions ruin things too easily because it might be wrong. At least try to get the facts first.

I don't know why. I just want to give people the benefit of a doubt when I can. I guess that's why people think I'm too nice. I think people are idiots, but I give them the benefit of a doubt. I'm just cool like that hahaha.


Hmm, first final this Saturday. Wonderful. Just wonderful. But hey, only 3 days of school left, 6 class sessions.

I hope I write well on Saturday. Please let it be a comprehensible prompt haha. Relatively simple XP Just enough so that I can make a good connection to it. I'm kinda afraid that I won't understand anything. I usually get some kinda headache around the time of some big essay writing thing. I have a headache now -_- I hope it goes away, and I can think clearly.

Oh, so Prof Williams gave us advice for Saturday haha. One of it is to imagine our classmates in our head, bouncing ideas off of each other. "Kinda like schizophrenia" haha. I think that's kinda like a dissociative identity disorder too haha. But yeah, Prof Williams was just encouraging insanity today haha. It was funny really.


Gosh, I'm gonna miss being in her class. She really does remind me of Mrs Thomas. Haha I'm always happy when I leave a class missing my teacher. That means we connected somehow haha (: We need to connect to our teachers in some way.


Ah, ok. Enough with trying to get my thoughts out. I feel like there's a plug in my brain today ): I have a lot of thoughts piling up, but they're not coming out. Maybe I need to call a brain plumber XP Hopefully, my brain will be unclogged by Saturday. That would be wonderful. Earlier would be awesome too because I've got quite a bit of homework to catch up on. Yay.

TV again?

Nah. I mean, I've been watching a little bit of TV in my mom's room because that's where I've been sleeping (It's warm, and my mom wanted to watch over me). We really only have local channels now and SBTN. So I've been watching game shows in the late morning/early afternoon. Fun stuff. I love watching game shows, especially Merv Griffin's Crossword Puzzles and Family Feud haha. Good stuff.

But I've been a little better. So there was less TV yesterday. I don't know about today. I don't think there are game shows on the weekend haha.

Anyway, I started watching Degrassi: The Next Generation online yesterday (finished the first half of season 1 already) after I watched an episode on Channel 20, I think. Watching the show on TV reminded me of how much I always wanted to watch that show.

It came out in 2001. I was in like the 5th or 6th grade then. That would have been good timing. This show could have helped me through junior high and high school. Too bad. I just never had the right channels to watch the show. And when we did get the channel, The N, they were already into like season 6, and I didn't want to do all that catching up. I've done that before, and it is not pretty haha. I obsess. Well, I'm compulsive about watching things in chronological order. I don't know if I've said that before. But yeah. I have to watch everything in the order they come in. I blame anime. Yeah, I think I've said this before :P

Anyway, so I'm gonna get through this last week or so of classes and finals. Then I'm just gonna watch all of DTNG. Though, I might try to finish House MD first and Gossip Girl :P


Hmm, so I don't have to turn in my English essay tomorrow, yay! My professor is totally understanding about me being sick and not able to do work. So I think I can turn it in next week. I'm not sure. I lost a week of work, so you know :P But I still have a speech on Tuesday and another essay due on Thursday -__- Poli Sci. I can't wait to get it over with haha. Hopefully, I can stay up late enough to finish my essays. I haven't been able to stay up late for a while, so I don't know if I can manage it. And I still have my little pieces of homework to do. Grr.

I just need to suck up the rest of my aches and get stuff done. I can do it. I can do it. I just need to get started haha.

I feel like I'm at 75% right now. Why can't I just skip to 100% already? haha It would be so nice if I could feel better again. I miss feeling well haha. And I don't know... I'm considering becoming a vegetarian or something. Because meat is mean XP Every time I've gotten seriously sick (not many times), it was right after I ate meat and got food poisoning or something like that. And it would always get worse. Meat products hate me :(

So yeah, maybe I'll go off meat completely. Or just eat a lot less meat, hmm. I think I would be healthier eating tofu and greens, yeah? haha. Oh, and exercise more :P

It could work. I'll have to think about it some more though because I do like meat haha. I don't know if I could completely cut myself off. But I should do it. For me. For the animals. I'll think about it some more. Ask a few vegetarian friends how they eat enough and stuff. If I think I can handle it, then maybe I'll go veg from now on. We'll see :)


Changes, changes. I need to make a change, yeah? Chyeah! haha.... Hopefully good changes. Less sickness, you know? :P

I hate being sick. I hate that I worry my family. I don't wanna do that to them, no matter how occasional it is. Eat healthy, stay healthy. Fewer worries, yeah? I hope so.

Oh, and do you wanna know what made me think about vegetarianism? I had a dream! haha always a dream, yeah? :P I don't remember what happened, but it had to do with me being sick and becoming a vegetarian and lots of good stuff happening hahaha. So how can I really say no to that? Hmm.


Ok, I'm going to get some homework done today. I will. Later.

Hypocrisy in moderation

Is such a thing possible? Who knows?

Since I got the car, we've had to buy: registration ($128), seat covers(~$50), a steering wheel cover ($8), four used tires ($160), an air filter ($4), and a quart of Pennzoil ($4). So we've spent about $354 so far on the Cressida, just to make it safer and a bit more presentable. Oh yeah, and we have to pay for insurance (~$330/month for the Cressida, but adding it to the policy allows us to pay $100 less in total now).

Lots of numbers, I know. But there's a point: My mother still finds a reason to complain about how much we're spending on the car. Hmm, a couple hundred on an '88 Cressida that we basically got for free versus $2,000-3,000 for a car that's not always guaranteed to be in such a great condition as the Cressida is.

She keeps saying that we're spending too much money on things that we don't need (e.g. seat covers and tires). The seats are shredded, and the tires were nearly bald. Need I say more.

And pointless spending, really? She's spent plenty of money on stuff she saw on the Shopping Network channels! We don't need any of that crap.

She won't even buy me juice anymore. But that's fine. I can live without juice at home. I need to drink more water anyway.

Ahh, but I'll stop complaining haha.

Other than the stuff that we've bought for the car, we haven't really spent money on anything except for gas. And this car originally got about 22 mpg but now only gets about 12 mpg. But that loss is to be expected of almost any car really.

Haha I'm already kinda starting to think of this car as "my baby" XP Still got a lot of power to it, and hopefully it will keep that power for at least the next couple of months or year.

Just need to add in some stuff, and it will be all good haha. Brother is gonna ask his friends for spare decks, check Craigslist for speakers, and go to a junkyard to find whatever parts need to be replaced (center compartment lid, carjack, lug wrench, some air hose thing). We might fix the A/C, depending on if it's damaged or not. I don't really know.

But what I do know now is how to check the radiator and the oils. The car leaks oil, so yeah.

Overall, I like this car. I really do. Not really because of its aesthetics or anything (I couldn't care less). It's just it's here for me, and I can finally really drive myself, as long as I'm allowed to go out.

Hah, I can't get over that. I can drive myself. Though, I guess I shouldn't drive too much, since it doesn't get that much mileage XP but still, you know, the thought of driving myself is nice.


Ok, I'll try not to make the next post about my baby haha. I need to talk about other stuff :P like how I'm gonna be staying up hella late for the next two weeks for school work. My hard work amazes me hahaha. I'm gonna try to get something done this week before the weekend starts. I just need to feel less tired. I might have to break my energy drink deprivation. Or try that 5-Hour Energy shot (The online reviews seem to be concentrated at both ends of the good/bad spectrum though. I'll just try one or two to see if it works well).

Yeah, ok. Sleeeep. Well, it's still early, but I'm exhausted. I've been really exhausted this weekend, more than usual. Like I can barely stay awake when 8 PM comes around. And I haven't done too much, except drive around SJ to buy stuff. That could be why I'm so tired: low energy output.

Just about 2.5 more school weeks, and I'll be done. With good grades hopefully. And possibly a summer job opportunity if I get off my butt and try.

If not, I'll get off my butt and work on increasing my energy output :P

Not much homework done this weekend haha. My fault. I just need to stop reading for recreation and start doing my homework instead haha.

Ahh, too bad I can't go to bed now. I have to pick the brother up at 10. And I don't think I'd be able to get up in an hour.

Hmm, I don't really have anything to do online anymore, except logging on AIM, checking email, and updating this blog. I don't even know how Facebook and Myspace took up so much of my time. I didn't do much, except send messages and post comments. Ah, well, they're out of my life for now. So no more. I don't even stay on the computer much. I turn it on and leave it alone more now. Eventually, I might just turn it on for homework :O Crazy thought.

Haha no, it's not gonna happen. I turn it on "for homework" now, but I end up not doing it and stare at the screen (or listen/dance to music or leave to nap).

Geez, what am I doing??

Deleted two

Ok, so I just deleted my Myspace. I just decided to do it. No more stalling. Now, I'm waiting for the liberated feeling to kick in :P

I'm sure the feeling will kick in tomorrow or the day after. No more logging on. Woo. Just got AIM, Gmail, and Blogger. Yeah. Fun stuff.

Ok, back to work.

Deleted one

Well, I deleted my Facebook. I don't feel liberated yet haha. But I received a couple of people's contact info, so it's all good. No more Facebook addiction. I just have to get used to not logging on anymore.

I will probably delete my Myspace tonight or tomorrow. Depends on if Vicky ever replies. She better.

After I delete my Myspace, I won't have anything to be addicted to, except for AIM (though, I don't log on as much anymore. I should though, I guess) and gmail.


Hmm, ST VSA and Key Club are having a game day thing at Cahalan Park on Friday to raise money for Relay for Life, I think. I wanna go :D I might, but I have my Anthropology Q&A session this Friday. I don't remember what time. We'll see if I go. I wanna chill with the youngin's haha.

Maggie invited me up to Davis on Friday too, but my mom is not gonna let me go because she's hella paranoid right now. Stuff happened yesterday morning at 2, and yeah, not good. Extra paranoia, especially since it seems the police won't/can't do anything. <-- I was gonna update about yesterday, but I didn't know what to say :/ Oh well.

There's gonna be something else happening on Friday, but I don't remember. But yeah, I'll most likely go to the game day at the park just to show some love and support. And Maggie, maybe I'll visit you in Davis during the summer since you're gonna stay up there XP


Anyway, I have two big essays to work on for the next two weeks. Lots of reading needing to be done before I can actually start writing. 47 pages of legal schtuff T-T Soo not cool. I'm sure I'm gonna be putting off both essays until the last minute again -_- It's just in my nature haha. Plus, the heat isn't really helping me. I feel soo tired and lazy (more than usual).

I'm trying to get some homework done right now. English stuff. I just need a day or two, where I don't have any homework. That way, I can do all the reading I need to do before I start writing the papers. Oh, that would be marvellous!


And you know what? All weekend, I was thinking there's four weeks of school left. But really it's only 3!! Amazing. I don't know how I could miscount the weeks. Unless I was including the week of my last final haha. Yeaah, I don't know.


Important school dates:

Anth Q&A Session -- 4/24
Poli Sci Oral Argument -- 5/5
Poli Sci Final Paper -- 5/7
English Final -- 5/9
English Essay 5 -- 5/12
Last Day of Instruction -- 5/13
EDCO Final -- 5/15
Anth Final -- 5/18


After my Anthro final, I'm gonna go visit ST. Chyeah! Well, sometime after it, possibly with Albert and Lisa. Maybe other people. We'll see.


I can't believe our first year of college is almost over. Crazy, just crazy. It went by so fast. So much has happened, yet not enough has.

The summer shall be better. I hope. I hope my friends will make things better haha. Then next year shall be better. I'll participate more.

I always say I'll participate more later, but then I don't haha. But I will try, fa sho. I'll join VSA and do more. I'll join QTIP. I'll make more friends on campus. I need more friends. I feel like such a loner haha. I definitely need to get to know more people. Get me a girlfriend and I'll be happy hahaha :P

I just need more friends to hang out with. Don't have to be from SJSU. I just need to chill with people. I need fun, in any way, shape, or form.


3 more weeks. I'm happy about that. I'm just not happy about all the work I have to do in the next 3 weeks XP Soo much. It's all crammed in. I don't know how I'm gonna survive haha. Maybe I'll make it through with all-nighters and caffeine, and then the day after the last final, I'll just crash real hard. Then I'll be back to normal haha.


And oh my gahhh.. I can feel the heat radiating from my body -__- So glad it's gonna be back in the 70's tomorrow. I like cooler air.

Ok, back to work. Then sleep. I'm probably not gonna get a start on my reading until the weekend. Damn my laziness.