I turned in early last night in the hopes of getting some restful sleep.
I had an intense dream that I think was a continuation of another that I had recently. It felt so real.
I was convicted of murder because I had killed someone who tried to rob me. I had shot him in the back as he ran away.
My previous dream was the trial and the lead-up to the execution. I was in shock and crying, and my friends were trying to comfort me and petitioning the court to change their decision.
This last dream was the day of the execution. I got to spend time with my mom in a makeshift house connected to the execution chamber. I was sitting at a desk with the wooden door behind my back; my inevitable fate was on the other side of it. I ended up organizing my things to give away and sat down to write a last letter on a long scrap of paper to my friends and family. My mom was compulsively cleaning as if this place was our home. She didn't talk to me, but I could feel her sadness and fear.
It was weird. I started off the dream feeling scared, hopeless, and angry. As I wrote the letter, telling folks not to be angry and to accept what was happening, I began to feel less scared and more accepting of the situation myself. I just wanted more time to finish my letter.
Soon, I noticed noise from behind the door that led to the execution area. The noise had been building up over time. It was all the people who were there to witness the execution and also a few friends who wanted to disrupt the process.
I stood up, unfinished with the letter, and turned toward the door, ready to face what was about happen. Someone burst through the door, but I can't recall who it was. I just remember the noise got significantly louder, and I woke up.
----
I haven't remembered such a vivid dream in probably six months at least. I had forgotten about the previous dream until I woke up from this one. But this felt extremely familiar. It felt so real, like I was really experiencing it. All of the emotions and memories were so clear in the moment.
It was trippy. When I woke up, I slowly came to realize that I was not going to be executed. Relief has set in. But now I have questions. I don't remember everything that felt so clear moments before. I just know it happened.
I'm not sure how I feel about waking up like this haha.
I like to think that our dreams are windows into our countless, alternate lives if they exist. Sometimes, they overlap and create weird anomalies with the logic haha. Or really the logic of those realities are just that different.
Anyway, I feel like there is a parallel between how I dealt with accepting my fate there and how I've been dealing with my anxiety recently. We can't fight inevitability. I'm learning to accept and let go. It's a very arduous process in which I sometimes take the wrong steps. But I've been getting better, I think. I hope so. Maybe this dream is evidence of that? Haha
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Inferiors vs. Superiors
This morning, I had a long, complex... not really a nightmare... more of a very depressing dream. Although, it did have elements of a nightmare. I woke up a little scared and fearful for my life, until I realized I had woken up from a dream.
So where to start? Well, before I start describing the dream, I'm just gonna say the only movie I've watched within the past two or three weeks was "The Raid: Redemption." I've mostly been watching Friends. (Season 6, here I go!) So you would think my dreams would be filled with hilarity. But, apparently, they are not.
Also, my dream jumped around in time, and some details are those that I knew before the events of the dream occur. So my description of the dream is what I've put together from the pieces I remember.
Dream background:
Most of the people in my dream were friends from college or strangers in real life. There were a few hundred of us. We were all experiments, living in a confined space designed to look like a neighborhood of a big urban city. If anything, it reminded me of the neighborhood of "Hey Arnold!" It was a relatively small place; it could have been about forty square blocks with a large park in there. The perimeter was some four-sided invisible force field controlled by the scientists from the outside.
The experiment consisted of us all being injected with a genetic code modifier <.< Then we were to be observed by omniscient forces--scientists in zeppelins, scientists in helicopters, scientists through mounted cameras, and scientists manipulating the force field--to see how the modifier affected us. The experiment was only supposed to last about a year but ended up lasting much longer.
So the modifier changed all of us. The changes were solely in our intellectual and physical strengths. For some people, they gained a moderate increase in intelligence and a super increase in physical ability; for the rest, it was the opposite. The first group was more numerous. But there are no visible differences between us.
At the beginning of the experiment, we all got along. The scientists eventually figured out there were two groups. They scanned the modifiers in our arms to find out what changed in each of us. They labeled the super intellectuals simply as the A group, and the rest as the B group. We had police officers who were members of both groups, using what looked like AK-47s. They didn't use the guns though because it wasn't necessary. Everything seemed fine.
The only way we could know which group a person was a part of was if he or she told us. Initially, we didn't tell each other because we didn't know. The scientists didn't say anything. Eventually, though, the A group figured it out and told the rest of us.
Skip ahead in time a few years...
I was an "Inferior," a part of the original B group. The A group became known as the "Superiors."These were the names given to us by the Superiors. The Superiors had run the scientists out of the experiment. They gained control of the force field, keeping everyone else out. However, we the experiments couldn't leave because the modifiers in our arms could not pass through the force field. But if the force field was turned off, the modifiers would stop working with them. And the Superiors didn't want to lose their super intelligence. That's why they settled for gaining control of the field.
The Inferiors lived all around the tiny city, which was more like a town. Most Superiors lived in an area of the town that was guarded by some police. The police were all Superiors. The police lived all around to make it easier to enforce the rules.
It turned out that the role of police officers used to switch every so often, so that everyone got a chance to play that role. However, the Superiors came up with a plan to keep those positions. Why? Because there were a limited number of guns, thus a limited number of officers. With those positions, they got the guns, which they needed since their physical capabilities weren't as good as ours.
Actual dream events that I "experienced":
Superiors and Inferiors go into all the same places, but we're not allowed to interact with the Superiors. Fraternizing was against the rules. So when an officer saw a Superior and an Inferior talking to each other, he attacked the Inferior while the Superior walked away. I stood there and watched. I was upset and sad because I thought, "Well, he got caught breaking the rule, so he has to be punished."
At another point, I was walking in the park. Two officers walked up to me and asked me if I was an Inferior or a Superior. I told them I was an Inferior, and they started to beat me with their guns. I ran away from them, and they chased me. Don't remember what happened after that.
I was living with Matt and Mackenzie. Matt was an Inferior, but Mackenzie was a Superior. We were all friends before the experiment, so Mac decided to stay as our friend and protect us during the sweeps. She could convince her fellow Superiors that she lived alone.
Sweeps started happening because the Superiors decided they should wipe out the Inferiors before the Inferiors decided to do that to the Superiors. So every day, a group of officers would sweep a section of the town to find Inferiors to kill off.
But since Superiors and Inferiors went to the same places, the only way to know who was what was to scan their arms. So people who refused to be scanned were killed because the officers assumed only the Inferiors would refuse to be scanned.
So it was basically a massacre. The Superiors had the guns. Inferiors only had our physical strengths, but we couldn't reach them. I remember at some point, the scientists flew an airplane over our town and dropped hundreds of boxes of food into a predominantly Inferior-inhabited area. My friends and I ran to the boxes to stuff candy and junk food into a box, while the Superiors shot at me and my friends. Then we ran away and hid in our well-hidden basements.
We didn't fight back at all. We only ran away, cowered, or stood there. Any way you look at it, we just took the assaults. Pacifist people with super strength... sneaking around to avoid being killed. Violent people with super intelligence picking us off slowly. They knew how to find us! We couldn't outsmart them unless we had Superiors as friends who could help us.
Not too much action in my dream, but I witnessed a lot of friends being killed D: What stands out most from my dream was the knowledge I had of what had been happening. The dream events themselves are very fuzzy in my mind.
Like I remember more about the rules than I do about the enforcement of the rules. And in dreamland, the rules made sense to me.
One rule was the no-fraternizing thing. If there was any, only the Inferior was punished. The Superior would just be looked down upon or something. Oh, another rule was Inferiors are never allowed to hurt Superiors. If they did, Superiors were allowed to retaliate and kill them. The reasoning that Superiors gave was that Inferiors had an unfair advantage in the strength department. And for some reason, Inferiors agreed to that rule and never contested it.
Along with the no-fraternizing, no sexual relations. Except people did it anyway. Funny thing was if an Inferior-Superior couple had a child, the child would naturally be born into one of the two groups. No combination of both. Also, no modifier. So, technically, the baby could leave the town if the force field were opened. Except in my dream, no babies ever left.
I don't know what the heck was going on in my head while I was sleeping. All I remember feeling was sad and scared. The last thing I remember before waking up was hoarding the food, hiding, and then being found by someone... I don't know who found me.
I know my description of my dream isn't that great. I'm forgetting more and more of it as I write. I know that when I woke up, I felt like it was one of the most intense dreams I had ever had. I felt like I was gonna die by the hands of the people who were once my friends and fellow experiments.
Rawr. I wish I could remember all of it.
I told Mother and D about a part of my dream, and they said I'd been watching too many movies. But I haven't! -w-
Though, this could be a movie. Generic plotline, but awesome haha. If only I were a writer.
Oh, this kinda reminds me of the Stanford Prison Experiment... Huh.
Oh oh! This is also the first dream I've remembered in two or three months, I think. Yay! Even though, it was not a happy dream. At least I remembered a dream.
So where to start? Well, before I start describing the dream, I'm just gonna say the only movie I've watched within the past two or three weeks was "The Raid: Redemption." I've mostly been watching Friends. (Season 6, here I go!) So you would think my dreams would be filled with hilarity. But, apparently, they are not.
Also, my dream jumped around in time, and some details are those that I knew before the events of the dream occur. So my description of the dream is what I've put together from the pieces I remember.
Dream background:
Most of the people in my dream were friends from college or strangers in real life. There were a few hundred of us. We were all experiments, living in a confined space designed to look like a neighborhood of a big urban city. If anything, it reminded me of the neighborhood of "Hey Arnold!" It was a relatively small place; it could have been about forty square blocks with a large park in there. The perimeter was some four-sided invisible force field controlled by the scientists from the outside.
The experiment consisted of us all being injected with a genetic code modifier <.< Then we were to be observed by omniscient forces--scientists in zeppelins, scientists in helicopters, scientists through mounted cameras, and scientists manipulating the force field--to see how the modifier affected us. The experiment was only supposed to last about a year but ended up lasting much longer.
So the modifier changed all of us. The changes were solely in our intellectual and physical strengths. For some people, they gained a moderate increase in intelligence and a super increase in physical ability; for the rest, it was the opposite. The first group was more numerous. But there are no visible differences between us.
At the beginning of the experiment, we all got along. The scientists eventually figured out there were two groups. They scanned the modifiers in our arms to find out what changed in each of us. They labeled the super intellectuals simply as the A group, and the rest as the B group. We had police officers who were members of both groups, using what looked like AK-47s. They didn't use the guns though because it wasn't necessary. Everything seemed fine.
The only way we could know which group a person was a part of was if he or she told us. Initially, we didn't tell each other because we didn't know. The scientists didn't say anything. Eventually, though, the A group figured it out and told the rest of us.
Skip ahead in time a few years...
I was an "Inferior," a part of the original B group. The A group became known as the "Superiors."These were the names given to us by the Superiors. The Superiors had run the scientists out of the experiment. They gained control of the force field, keeping everyone else out. However, we the experiments couldn't leave because the modifiers in our arms could not pass through the force field. But if the force field was turned off, the modifiers would stop working with them. And the Superiors didn't want to lose their super intelligence. That's why they settled for gaining control of the field.
The Inferiors lived all around the tiny city, which was more like a town. Most Superiors lived in an area of the town that was guarded by some police. The police were all Superiors. The police lived all around to make it easier to enforce the rules.
It turned out that the role of police officers used to switch every so often, so that everyone got a chance to play that role. However, the Superiors came up with a plan to keep those positions. Why? Because there were a limited number of guns, thus a limited number of officers. With those positions, they got the guns, which they needed since their physical capabilities weren't as good as ours.
Actual dream events that I "experienced":
Superiors and Inferiors go into all the same places, but we're not allowed to interact with the Superiors. Fraternizing was against the rules. So when an officer saw a Superior and an Inferior talking to each other, he attacked the Inferior while the Superior walked away. I stood there and watched. I was upset and sad because I thought, "Well, he got caught breaking the rule, so he has to be punished."
At another point, I was walking in the park. Two officers walked up to me and asked me if I was an Inferior or a Superior. I told them I was an Inferior, and they started to beat me with their guns. I ran away from them, and they chased me. Don't remember what happened after that.
I was living with Matt and Mackenzie. Matt was an Inferior, but Mackenzie was a Superior. We were all friends before the experiment, so Mac decided to stay as our friend and protect us during the sweeps. She could convince her fellow Superiors that she lived alone.
Sweeps started happening because the Superiors decided they should wipe out the Inferiors before the Inferiors decided to do that to the Superiors. So every day, a group of officers would sweep a section of the town to find Inferiors to kill off.
But since Superiors and Inferiors went to the same places, the only way to know who was what was to scan their arms. So people who refused to be scanned were killed because the officers assumed only the Inferiors would refuse to be scanned.
So it was basically a massacre. The Superiors had the guns. Inferiors only had our physical strengths, but we couldn't reach them. I remember at some point, the scientists flew an airplane over our town and dropped hundreds of boxes of food into a predominantly Inferior-inhabited area. My friends and I ran to the boxes to stuff candy and junk food into a box, while the Superiors shot at me and my friends. Then we ran away and hid in our well-hidden basements.
We didn't fight back at all. We only ran away, cowered, or stood there. Any way you look at it, we just took the assaults. Pacifist people with super strength... sneaking around to avoid being killed. Violent people with super intelligence picking us off slowly. They knew how to find us! We couldn't outsmart them unless we had Superiors as friends who could help us.
Not too much action in my dream, but I witnessed a lot of friends being killed D: What stands out most from my dream was the knowledge I had of what had been happening. The dream events themselves are very fuzzy in my mind.
Like I remember more about the rules than I do about the enforcement of the rules. And in dreamland, the rules made sense to me.
One rule was the no-fraternizing thing. If there was any, only the Inferior was punished. The Superior would just be looked down upon or something. Oh, another rule was Inferiors are never allowed to hurt Superiors. If they did, Superiors were allowed to retaliate and kill them. The reasoning that Superiors gave was that Inferiors had an unfair advantage in the strength department. And for some reason, Inferiors agreed to that rule and never contested it.
Along with the no-fraternizing, no sexual relations. Except people did it anyway. Funny thing was if an Inferior-Superior couple had a child, the child would naturally be born into one of the two groups. No combination of both. Also, no modifier. So, technically, the baby could leave the town if the force field were opened. Except in my dream, no babies ever left.
I don't know what the heck was going on in my head while I was sleeping. All I remember feeling was sad and scared. The last thing I remember before waking up was hoarding the food, hiding, and then being found by someone... I don't know who found me.
I know my description of my dream isn't that great. I'm forgetting more and more of it as I write. I know that when I woke up, I felt like it was one of the most intense dreams I had ever had. I felt like I was gonna die by the hands of the people who were once my friends and fellow experiments.
Rawr. I wish I could remember all of it.
I told Mother and D about a part of my dream, and they said I'd been watching too many movies. But I haven't! -w-
Though, this could be a movie. Generic plotline, but awesome haha. If only I were a writer.
Oh, this kinda reminds me of the Stanford Prison Experiment... Huh.
Oh oh! This is also the first dream I've remembered in two or three months, I think. Yay! Even though, it was not a happy dream. At least I remembered a dream.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
I'm starting to remember my dreams...
Well, I remembered them the past few days when I woke up.
Today's dream involved the person who isn't talking to me right now (I'll call her Person). We were at the center, sitting next to each other (I was on her right) on the white couch with the brown cover. She was talking to everyone else but me. I just listened and nodded along with the conversation. Suddenly, Person said something to me. I was shocked, except I couldn't hear through my left ear. So I turned my head and asked her to repeat. She was laughed when she said it, and I got upset.
I woke up to my parents talking in the next room. It soon turned into an argument. I listened. What my dad said made sense. What my mom said didn't. She proceeded to deride his argument, essentially told him he was stupid for not seeing how she saw things, and shut him out. Reminiscent of "I don't have to listen to you if I don't like what I'm hearing."
I lay in bed and contemplated my dream and the argument happening next to my room. The first thought that hit me was "Person reminds me of my mom." Not that my parents' argument reminded me of the situation with Person, even though the situation with Person occurred way before this recent argument between my parents.
So I think I get it now. I get why I am still so angry with Person about the situation we're in. Even almost two weeks later. She doesn't act exactly like my mom, but her actions remind me of what I dislike in my mom.
They both stop listening when the conversation isn't favorable to them. They shut people up and shut them out. My mom yells and/or gives the silent treatment. More often than not, she yells and rants for hours and hours. But she does give the silent treatment, which isn't any better or worse than her yelling. Either way, I can't tolerate her attitude and her treatment of me. Person, on the other hand, is giving me the silent treatment. Granted, I told her she didn't have to talk to me. But I also told her I wanted us to talk but I would wait for her to talk to me. Despite what I said, I still hoped that she would've talked to me anyway. But no, she said she needed her distance from me. (Maybe this is a self-serving thought, but if anyone should take distance from someone, it should have been me getting my space from her)
I was ok with her getting her space until she started posting her Facebook statuses about me again. Well, not about me. She talked at me, but not to or with me. And this is just like my mom, even if it's not as aggressive as my mom's words. It still hurts. I am still a target. I would prefer if Person wrote those statuses, copied and pasted them into a Facebook message, and sent them to me. But alas, she wants to ignore me. Yet, this isn't ignoring, is it?
Ugh. I should just send her one more message to let her know what I've been thinking. Except that wouldn't be respecting her need for space from me. But this isn't taking space away to think of what she can say to me. She's made it pretty clear in her statuses that she won't try to talk to me. And that's what hurts. That's what hurt the first time; she didn't talk to me. I told her that. And now she's doing it again, and she thinks it's supposed to help me. How is repeating how you hurt me the first time any better the second time?
I'm not going to send her a message because I don't want to tell her what to do. She needs to grow up and talk to me. And be honest while she's talking to me. If she tells me she can't be honest with me, then we can't be friends. Because honest friends are the only ones I want.
I generally don't have any criteria for my friends, but here are some basics I should state: You should be somewhat nice. You definitely should be honest, especially about any problems you have with me. Don't lie to me about things I should know! You should be as blunt as you can be with me. You don't give up on our friendship at the first sign of trouble.
I don't want to bring this up anymore. I know this will eventually blow over whether she talks to me again. Right now, we're not friends. I'm hoping she'll give our friendship another chance, but she has to work for it too. She has to take the first step to rebuild our friendship. I took the first step in improving our friendship when I offered a chance to talk about our problems. She refused, and she left me hanging. So our next conversation, if there is to be one, is about how to become friends again.
Waiting, waiting...
Today's dream involved the person who isn't talking to me right now (I'll call her Person). We were at the center, sitting next to each other (I was on her right) on the white couch with the brown cover. She was talking to everyone else but me. I just listened and nodded along with the conversation. Suddenly, Person said something to me. I was shocked, except I couldn't hear through my left ear. So I turned my head and asked her to repeat. She was laughed when she said it, and I got upset.
I woke up to my parents talking in the next room. It soon turned into an argument. I listened. What my dad said made sense. What my mom said didn't. She proceeded to deride his argument, essentially told him he was stupid for not seeing how she saw things, and shut him out. Reminiscent of "I don't have to listen to you if I don't like what I'm hearing."
I lay in bed and contemplated my dream and the argument happening next to my room. The first thought that hit me was "Person reminds me of my mom." Not that my parents' argument reminded me of the situation with Person, even though the situation with Person occurred way before this recent argument between my parents.
So I think I get it now. I get why I am still so angry with Person about the situation we're in. Even almost two weeks later. She doesn't act exactly like my mom, but her actions remind me of what I dislike in my mom.
They both stop listening when the conversation isn't favorable to them. They shut people up and shut them out. My mom yells and/or gives the silent treatment. More often than not, she yells and rants for hours and hours. But she does give the silent treatment, which isn't any better or worse than her yelling. Either way, I can't tolerate her attitude and her treatment of me. Person, on the other hand, is giving me the silent treatment. Granted, I told her she didn't have to talk to me. But I also told her I wanted us to talk but I would wait for her to talk to me. Despite what I said, I still hoped that she would've talked to me anyway. But no, she said she needed her distance from me. (Maybe this is a self-serving thought, but if anyone should take distance from someone, it should have been me getting my space from her)
I was ok with her getting her space until she started posting her Facebook statuses about me again. Well, not about me. She talked at me, but not to or with me. And this is just like my mom, even if it's not as aggressive as my mom's words. It still hurts. I am still a target. I would prefer if Person wrote those statuses, copied and pasted them into a Facebook message, and sent them to me. But alas, she wants to ignore me. Yet, this isn't ignoring, is it?
Ugh. I should just send her one more message to let her know what I've been thinking. Except that wouldn't be respecting her need for space from me. But this isn't taking space away to think of what she can say to me. She's made it pretty clear in her statuses that she won't try to talk to me. And that's what hurts. That's what hurt the first time; she didn't talk to me. I told her that. And now she's doing it again, and she thinks it's supposed to help me. How is repeating how you hurt me the first time any better the second time?
I'm not going to send her a message because I don't want to tell her what to do. She needs to grow up and talk to me. And be honest while she's talking to me. If she tells me she can't be honest with me, then we can't be friends. Because honest friends are the only ones I want.
I generally don't have any criteria for my friends, but here are some basics I should state: You should be somewhat nice. You definitely should be honest, especially about any problems you have with me. Don't lie to me about things I should know! You should be as blunt as you can be with me. You don't give up on our friendship at the first sign of trouble.
I don't want to bring this up anymore. I know this will eventually blow over whether she talks to me again. Right now, we're not friends. I'm hoping she'll give our friendship another chance, but she has to work for it too. She has to take the first step to rebuild our friendship. I took the first step in improving our friendship when I offered a chance to talk about our problems. She refused, and she left me hanging. So our next conversation, if there is to be one, is about how to become friends again.
Waiting, waiting...
Friday, April 2, 2010
What an uneventful Spring Break...
But filled with thoughtful contemplation. Yay, redundancy.
Haven't done much of interest all week ):
Haven't gone anywhere outside of the house unless I had to drive Mother or Brother somewhere.
Haven't gotten started on my essays. I was going to start today, but Mother had me drive her to Walgreen's so that we could H1N1 shots -__- Then drive to other places. When we got home, I didn't feel like doing anything anymore.
I ended up watching "The Invention of Lying." Awesome movie. 8/10. I love Ricky Gervais' movies, even if he plays the same kinda character in all of them :P The saddest scene in this movie was my favorite XP I cried with him.
Anyway, the movie makes me wonder how the world would be if everyone always told the truth. Never lie. Don't know how to lie. That would be interesting. According to the movie, you can't lie by omission either. That's how I usually lie XP So hm, scary. Sad, isn't it? Complete honesty is scary.
Makes me think some things. Hm. I need to ask questions. But I suppose it's gonna make people look at me like O_o Oh well.
I wonder how difficult it will be to tell people what I've lied to them about...
Oh, Wednesday, I finally decided on my major/minor. Major in Justice Studies and minor in Philosophy. You think that will work out for me? I'm not sure. Then again, I'm never sure about anything XP Not my education, my love life, not my possibilities, nothing hahaha..
But yeah, Justice Studies and Philosophy. I was originally thinking of majoring in Philosophy, but I don't know what I would do with that. Don't think Mother would be too happy with that either. Though, I'm sure she won't be happy with Justice Studies either. She still wants me to go into Nursing. But I won't because I don't want to be around sick people >_>
So JS, yeah. I've always liked law and the legal system in some way or another. Maybe because Brother has had a few run-ins with the system since he was in high school :P
Philosophy, well, you know me and my philosophical talks :P haha jk. I dunno, I'm not sure how much I'll like it after a couple of courses :P Structure, you know. I don't like structure all that much.
Haha I like routine, but I dislike structure. Does that even make sense? I dunno.
Anyway, seriously, what do you think? 'Cause I'm not sure what I should think of my choice (haha so much for making decisive decisions).
So really, I haven't done anything really interesting all week. So sad. Haven't even seen Robert yet D: Maybe we'll have to put it off till summer XP Tamales and lessons, hm. Would go tomorrow or on the weekend, but it seems Robert will be preoccupied with tennis and WonderCon.
Hmm, some other thing on my mind... Phone conversations... You already know. I say it so often. I hate talking on the phone. Or strongly dislike it. I don't really know why. I just don't like it. The longest conversation I've ever had on the phone with someone (other than customer service, which has lasted more than two hours) was Ryan T back in like senior year of high school. An hour and a half. Why? Because I had said on Myspace or Facebook that I wanted to talk to someone and he decided to call me from SD. That was really the only talk-just-to-talk phone conversation I had ever had.
The second longest phone conversation I had was with Kat the summer before senior year. Twenty minutes talking about what classes she should take haha. Third longest phone conversation was the eight-minute one I had with Shiva last week.
Yeah, "long" phone conversations happen so rarely to me that I can remember with whom I have had them so far. Typically, my phone calls don't last any more than four minutes. And those are always for directions and invitations. But now, most people just text me 'cause they know I don't like talking on the phone all that much. Really, does anyone call me just to talk? Do people do that? I don't XP
So don't expect me to call you unless I have to. Like if you don't have unlimited texting. I especially do not call for casual conversation. I'm sad like that, I know. Every time I've had a casual phone conversation with you, it was always you who called me, yeah? Yeah. Mother and Brother do that too. I never call them unless I needed a ride or an answer to a question.
If I ever call you just to talk, you'll know something's up, yeah?
Haha I wonder sometimes why I have a cell phone :P And then I remember all those times I was forgotten on campus in middle and high school and I had to walk home for an hour and a half or longer. Yeah, fond memories. Cell phone, necessary and essential? Probably. Sadly.
Hm, lately, my dreams have been... weird... Not exactly recurring. Happen like every other day. Always a different setting. But pretty much the same or similar things happening. Makes me wonder if I'm obsessing so much when I'm conscious that it also haunts me in my sleep.
My sleep is so off, but my dreams are quite consistent @_@ well, every other day (I've lost track of the days on which they've occurred). The dreams I have in between are just the usual, seemingly irrelevant, sometimes whacked-out ones. You know, surprisingly, the somewhat recurring ones are sooo not crazy. Well, I suppose that would depend on how you look at them, if you knew what they were.
I dunno. They're "normal," as in nothing crazy like murder or naked people are in it haha. Different people show up and different things occur, but the main focus(?) of the dreams is always the same. Just always mellow(?). Comforting, even. But also disheartening in a way. Leave me wanting more, wanting real. Make me feel kinda pathetic and disappointed in myself when I wake up haha.
Aiyah, I'm so tired. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through college with such a low level of energy haha.
What do you think will motivate me to do better, try harder? To just try? 'Cause I just don't know right now.
Wanting but not trying. Needing but not asking...
I think my sleep-deprived brain is losing sense tonight haha. Not thinking straight anymore. Never thinking straight.
Feeling... numb. My house is kinda cold. It's 49 degrees. Wow, and all I'm wearing are PJ bottoms and a t-shirt. Time to go cuddle up with my blanket and stuffed dog XP
Haven't done much of interest all week ):
Haven't gone anywhere outside of the house unless I had to drive Mother or Brother somewhere.
Haven't gotten started on my essays. I was going to start today, but Mother had me drive her to Walgreen's so that we could H1N1 shots -__- Then drive to other places. When we got home, I didn't feel like doing anything anymore.
I ended up watching "The Invention of Lying." Awesome movie. 8/10. I love Ricky Gervais' movies, even if he plays the same kinda character in all of them :P The saddest scene in this movie was my favorite XP I cried with him.
Anyway, the movie makes me wonder how the world would be if everyone always told the truth. Never lie. Don't know how to lie. That would be interesting. According to the movie, you can't lie by omission either. That's how I usually lie XP So hm, scary. Sad, isn't it? Complete honesty is scary.
Makes me think some things. Hm. I need to ask questions. But I suppose it's gonna make people look at me like O_o Oh well.
I wonder how difficult it will be to tell people what I've lied to them about...
Oh, Wednesday, I finally decided on my major/minor. Major in Justice Studies and minor in Philosophy. You think that will work out for me? I'm not sure. Then again, I'm never sure about anything XP Not my education, my love life, not my possibilities, nothing hahaha..
But yeah, Justice Studies and Philosophy. I was originally thinking of majoring in Philosophy, but I don't know what I would do with that. Don't think Mother would be too happy with that either. Though, I'm sure she won't be happy with Justice Studies either. She still wants me to go into Nursing. But I won't because I don't want to be around sick people >_>
So JS, yeah. I've always liked law and the legal system in some way or another. Maybe because Brother has had a few run-ins with the system since he was in high school :P
Philosophy, well, you know me and my philosophical talks :P haha jk. I dunno, I'm not sure how much I'll like it after a couple of courses :P Structure, you know. I don't like structure all that much.
Haha I like routine, but I dislike structure. Does that even make sense? I dunno.
Anyway, seriously, what do you think? 'Cause I'm not sure what I should think of my choice (haha so much for making decisive decisions).
So really, I haven't done anything really interesting all week. So sad. Haven't even seen Robert yet D: Maybe we'll have to put it off till summer XP Tamales and lessons, hm. Would go tomorrow or on the weekend, but it seems Robert will be preoccupied with tennis and WonderCon.
Hmm, some other thing on my mind... Phone conversations... You already know. I say it so often. I hate talking on the phone. Or strongly dislike it. I don't really know why. I just don't like it. The longest conversation I've ever had on the phone with someone (other than customer service, which has lasted more than two hours) was Ryan T back in like senior year of high school. An hour and a half. Why? Because I had said on Myspace or Facebook that I wanted to talk to someone and he decided to call me from SD. That was really the only talk-just-to-talk phone conversation I had ever had.
The second longest phone conversation I had was with Kat the summer before senior year. Twenty minutes talking about what classes she should take haha. Third longest phone conversation was the eight-minute one I had with Shiva last week.
Yeah, "long" phone conversations happen so rarely to me that I can remember with whom I have had them so far. Typically, my phone calls don't last any more than four minutes. And those are always for directions and invitations. But now, most people just text me 'cause they know I don't like talking on the phone all that much. Really, does anyone call me just to talk? Do people do that? I don't XP
So don't expect me to call you unless I have to. Like if you don't have unlimited texting. I especially do not call for casual conversation. I'm sad like that, I know. Every time I've had a casual phone conversation with you, it was always you who called me, yeah? Yeah. Mother and Brother do that too. I never call them unless I needed a ride or an answer to a question.
If I ever call you just to talk, you'll know something's up, yeah?
Haha I wonder sometimes why I have a cell phone :P And then I remember all those times I was forgotten on campus in middle and high school and I had to walk home for an hour and a half or longer. Yeah, fond memories. Cell phone, necessary and essential? Probably. Sadly.
Hm, lately, my dreams have been... weird... Not exactly recurring. Happen like every other day. Always a different setting. But pretty much the same or similar things happening. Makes me wonder if I'm obsessing so much when I'm conscious that it also haunts me in my sleep.
My sleep is so off, but my dreams are quite consistent @_@ well, every other day (I've lost track of the days on which they've occurred). The dreams I have in between are just the usual, seemingly irrelevant, sometimes whacked-out ones. You know, surprisingly, the somewhat recurring ones are sooo not crazy. Well, I suppose that would depend on how you look at them, if you knew what they were.
I dunno. They're "normal," as in nothing crazy like murder or naked people are in it haha. Different people show up and different things occur, but the main focus(?) of the dreams is always the same. Just always mellow(?). Comforting, even. But also disheartening in a way. Leave me wanting more, wanting real. Make me feel kinda pathetic and disappointed in myself when I wake up haha.
Aiyah, I'm so tired. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through college with such a low level of energy haha.
What do you think will motivate me to do better, try harder? To just try? 'Cause I just don't know right now.
Wanting but not trying. Needing but not asking...
I think my sleep-deprived brain is losing sense tonight haha. Not thinking straight anymore. Never thinking straight.
Feeling... numb. My house is kinda cold. It's 49 degrees. Wow, and all I'm wearing are PJ bottoms and a t-shirt. Time to go cuddle up with my blanket and stuffed dog XP
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Do you feel lonely now?
I'm leaving. She wraps her arms around me. Did she just fall into my arms? It feels nice. I hug her back. Why isn't she letting me go? I ask. She tilts her head against my neck.
She says, "Because you're warm and I like being in your arms." I blush. "Oh, you're so cute when you're embarrassed." >_<
She's still holding me. I say, "I'm not that warm." I try to move away.
"Yes, you are." She clings onto me.
"No, I'm not. You're lying." I let my embrace weaken. She has to be lying. I let my arms drop to my side, but still she holds me. "Why are you hugging me so much?"
Silent. Still standing. Still won't let me go. She hugs me more tightly.
I ask, "Why are you here?" I try to push her away. Why won't she get away from me?
"Because I'm sad and you're lonely. My sadness will negate your loneliness." That doesn't make any sense.
I don't know what to say. Then... "I'm supposed to be alone."
"No, you're not. You can't be lonely around me. I'm supposed to make you happy. Do you feel lonely now?"
Hmm, I didn't know hugs could last through a whole dream. I wonder who the girl was. At the least, I know we were at her place. And chyeah, even in my dreams, I blush and am complimented for it XP And I feel like there was a part in the dream where she asked me why I was trying to run away from her. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure how I feel about this dream. I don't remember ever having a dream in which the conversation seems logical. Nor having a dream in which there's not much movement.
I had to get up early this morning. I've been getting up early this entire weekend, hm. Showered, ate, and thought.
Thinking about daydreams. I daydream a lot. Much more than I want to. Sometimes, my dreams feel like daydreams, and I get confused, trying figure out which they really are.
And my daydreams make me sad. More so than before I start daydreaming. Why? Because, in the end, I have to remember that life doesn't work out how I want it to. Life isn't idealistic. People are. Or I am. I expect to be happy; I end up being sad. I expect to have fun; I end up not enjoying much. Just many expectations that aren't met. In some way, it's my fault -_- Too many expectations, not enough effort. Blah.
Mm, yeah, anyway, tired. Don't know what to do. Hmm.
She says, "Because you're warm and I like being in your arms." I blush. "Oh, you're so cute when you're embarrassed." >_<
She's still holding me. I say, "I'm not that warm." I try to move away.
"Yes, you are." She clings onto me.
"No, I'm not. You're lying." I let my embrace weaken. She has to be lying. I let my arms drop to my side, but still she holds me. "Why are you hugging me so much?"
Silent. Still standing. Still won't let me go. She hugs me more tightly.
I ask, "Why are you here?" I try to push her away. Why won't she get away from me?
"Because I'm sad and you're lonely. My sadness will negate your loneliness." That doesn't make any sense.
I don't know what to say. Then... "I'm supposed to be alone."
"No, you're not. You can't be lonely around me. I'm supposed to make you happy. Do you feel lonely now?"
Hmm, I didn't know hugs could last through a whole dream. I wonder who the girl was. At the least, I know we were at her place. And chyeah, even in my dreams, I blush and am complimented for it XP And I feel like there was a part in the dream where she asked me why I was trying to run away from her. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure how I feel about this dream. I don't remember ever having a dream in which the conversation seems logical. Nor having a dream in which there's not much movement.
I had to get up early this morning. I've been getting up early this entire weekend, hm. Showered, ate, and thought.
Thinking about daydreams. I daydream a lot. Much more than I want to. Sometimes, my dreams feel like daydreams, and I get confused, trying figure out which they really are.
And my daydreams make me sad. More so than before I start daydreaming. Why? Because, in the end, I have to remember that life doesn't work out how I want it to. Life isn't idealistic. People are. Or I am. I expect to be happy; I end up being sad. I expect to have fun; I end up not enjoying much. Just many expectations that aren't met. In some way, it's my fault -_- Too many expectations, not enough effort. Blah.
Mm, yeah, anyway, tired. Don't know what to do. Hmm.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Battlefest 2010
Not as interesting as last year's, but I still enjoyed the performances.
Yesterday, I took the light rail downtown to campus. Did some homework on the rail. Returned library books. Light rail back a stop to the Civic Auditorium. Bought a $25-ticket for Battlefest. Met up with Marielle and her (or Ariane's dance) friends. Andrea, Vanna, and Ruben. Interesting people. Andrea put her hand on my head and leaned (I felt short). Then she asked if she could call me Tweety. "Yes, you can." "How about Tweeter?" O_o Mm, no haha.
The doors opened late ): But we all got in and basically saved two rows of seats for their friends. I ended up sitting at the end of the first row next to someone I didn't know >_> Marielle motioned for me to go sit up near her, but it turned out the seat was being saved by some stranger.
As I walked past Marielle and Andrea to get to the open seat, Andrea grabbed my ass. Twice O_O I stopped, turned, and stared at her with a look that said, "Really? Did you really just do that?" Then after I found out the open seat was already taken, I had to walk past the girls again. And again, Andrew grabbed my ass. That time, I stopped momentarily and then kept walking.
Hm, there was a band performance before the start of the competition. April Chase. They sounded a lot like Paramore >_> Pretty good, but I couldn't get Paramore out of my head.
Anyway, the competition was fun. I was really impressed. Though, I don't really remember specific performances anymore. How sad. Oh, I do remember that I especially enjoyed Prophecy Inc.'s performance. They were really on point imho. That massive, 360-degree group wave thing was friggin' awesome. So fluid. I was glad they at least placed third. I wasn't surprised that Funk Beyond Control didn't get first place this year. Love the lil kids dancing, but their performance this year didn't match up with their performance from last year. Pac Modern won first place, but honestly I don't remember their performance at all >_>
Not saying their performance wasn't good. I liked all the performances this year, except maybe FLOorganics' showcase performance. It was interesting, but it didn't really appeal to me. Anyway, I don't think I remember much of the Battlefest performances because I had a really funky headache last night. I'm sure the loud music didn't help either. I remember there were two times in the night where the bass made me feel like I was gonna pass out. But luckily, I didn't.
Ooh, Supreme Soul's guest performance was pretty sick. If only I was better at giving descriptions haha... Oh well, guess you're gonna have to settle for YouTube videos :P Oh, after nine years, Battlefest is finally gonna go nationwide :D How awesome.
Oh, and I think the 3-on-3 battles were rigged too XP The final battle was between the Academy of Yee and the Academy of Villains. Supreme Soul members. Though, the dancer with the red hair was really tight with his moves. Gotta give him that much XP
Mm, I left the Auditorium almost immediately after Pac Modern was announced the winner. Said goodbye to Marielle via text haha. Also texted Ariane, but she didn't reply ): You know, I didn't realize there were other ST people in Wrawsome aside from Kathy D. There's apparently also Jaime, Alyssa G, and Gerald G. Or at least it looked like them. Same people from the hip hop portion of our Fantastiks performance senior year, hm.
So light rail once again to campus. Walked to Shiva's. Got there around 21h30. Jonathan, Hannah, Phil, and two other people were already there. Those two people left. And Ulysses(?) and Katrina (from my Linguistics class) arrived.
I didn't drink much last night. I controlled myself. Yay. I don't remember what I drank though. But I didn't eat much, so it affected me quickly.
We tried to watch "Thank You for Smoking" and "1408," but none of us were really paying attention. So a marathon of "1000 Ways to Die" on SpikeTV was the answer. That lasted till 1 in the morning.
And damn were we loud last night haha. Especially Hannah, Ulysses, and Katrina haha. I felt really bad for Shiva's roommates XP
Lot of random conversation. Much of it revolved around... Actually, I don't remember. I can only recall bits and pieces of conversations. Some guy named Craig was drunk texting Hannah. There was drunken dancing. Talks of how tasty cough medicine is >_< ew.
I spent the last half of the night talking to Phil (tall guy from Lafayette). Got to know each other better. He tried to help me plan my future hahaha. Yeaah. I wasn't much help to his efforts.
And it must have been the effects of alcohol, but I hugged Jonathan and Phil when they left ahaha.
In my slightly drunken state, I contemplated a lot of things. One of them was the realization that I hug some friends (whom I don't often see) more frequently than I hug other friends (whom I do often see). How strange. Like, I hugged those two guys. I hug a few of my friends from high school (who don't go to SJSU). I hug Matt C and Carlo, whom I see once or twice a week. I hug Rose once in a while when I see her. I always hug D when he comes over to the house to visit. On the other hand, I rarely if ever hug Mother or Brother. I don't think I've ever hugged Amy, Christine, Lisa, or Albert, even when I saw them every day last semester and the semester before. I don't hug Brian or Shiva, and I've been chilling with those two about four days a week since the start of semester. And have you realized that I hug you more often now than I did back when we used to hang out in high school? Like, now, every time I see Autumn, Maggie, Ariane, or anyone from high school really, I usually hug them. I never used to do that haha.
My relationships and comfortable-ness with people are not how I should want them to be. Hm. Usually, people seem to hug their closer friends more than they hug their less close friends. Or maybe I'm just trying to find a flaw within myself. Bah, I see too many.
Aaanyway, back to the party/get-together. Shiva and Phil kept tickling me T-T She tickled me out of my seat. So mean. Unfair. Two against one.
Ahh, I was feeling soo hot during the party too T-T Too much body heeeaat. Shiva was the opposite of me. She was cold. I wished I was cold. I can't stand heat. Ahaha, I just remembered Shiva stole heat from my hand O_o She and Phil kept playing with my hands at one point too O_o I just sat there, thinking, "This is kinda weird. Why are they playing with my hands? And why aren't my hands moving away?" I was really tiiired. It was like 3 in the morning. Egh, I usually go to bed by midnight. Ahh, my brain.
Mm, so when Phil was leaving, he said that I was cute >_> <_< >_> I just stared at him O_O and said I didn't know how to respond to that. He said he didn't expect me to say anything. Silence. "Uhh, thank you?" "You're welcome." Mm yeah, like I've said before, I don't get compliments often. So when I do receive them, I feel weird/awkward, and I don't know what to say. And you know, I just never know if people are saying things because they mean it or because they're just trying to flatter me for some patronizing reason -_- haha.
Oh wow, I just remembered I told Phil that I've lied to people a lot. For a nice person, I lie a lot O.O Yeaah. Hm. It's just easier to lie. By omission. Yeah. Ok.
Mm, so I slept over on the living room couch. 4 AM was shut-eye time. But I kept waking up, and I looked at my watch each time. 5h30, 6h00, 6h30, 7h30, 8h30. I stayed awake at 8h30. I did some push-ups and sit-ups haha. Some homework. Then I listened to music and looked out the window for the next two hour.
I remember a dream: I was sleeping on the couch. Pretty much like I was doing in real life. And Brian comes walking through the door and yanks me off the couch so that he can sit on the couch O_o I just sit on the floor, staring up at him. Then I wake up.
Not much of an interesting dream, but eh -shrug-
Morning was ok. Shiva came out of her room around 10h30, and we talked for a while. I was listening to Owl City. She said she hadn't listened to Owl City in a while :O I've been listening to him less often only because I don't drive often anymore. She has her reason for not listening to the music. I have my reason for listening to it (I'm a masochist >_> haha). I've already said it before: Owl City makes me nostalgic in many ways, good and sad. Though, I suppose I never mentioned the sad. But, eh, you don't need to know. Or you already know. You just don't need to know what specifically. Hm, today, I realize there's another reason I listen to Owl City and other music that makes me feel the same way: They make me think about the things I want but can't have >_> yeaah...
Mm, I was gonna take the light rail home, but Mother had plans. So D came to pick me up from campus. Yeah. I was glad. I didn't have to listen to Mother yell at me for going home at noon. Well, I still had to listen, but not for long because she had to go somewhere, whew.
Hmm, I feel like there was so much more I wanted to say about last night. Maybe it was just all the conversations that I wanted to remember but now cannot recall. Yeah, probably. Pathetic -_-
I remember there was a conversation about cuddling. I think I was the one who brought it up though. Not sure.
Blah, I feel like a mopey drunk. I'm a mopey person, mm.
You know, I feel like I can type so much. Yet, there's nothing there, hm.
And my brain hurts. But it doesn't feel like a hangover. It shouldn't be a hangover. I didn't drink enough. Could be a residual headache from last night.
Home alone now. Why am I supposed to be home right now?
I'm kinda losing focus. I'm kinda losing myself. Must be the lack of sleep.
I have a strong urge to really complain about my life, about how frustrated I am that things don't work out the way I want them to (ooh, another conversation topic I had with Phil). But eh.
Yesterday, I took the light rail downtown to campus. Did some homework on the rail. Returned library books. Light rail back a stop to the Civic Auditorium. Bought a $25-ticket for Battlefest. Met up with Marielle and her (or Ariane's dance) friends. Andrea, Vanna, and Ruben. Interesting people. Andrea put her hand on my head and leaned (I felt short). Then she asked if she could call me Tweety. "Yes, you can." "How about Tweeter?" O_o Mm, no haha.
The doors opened late ): But we all got in and basically saved two rows of seats for their friends. I ended up sitting at the end of the first row next to someone I didn't know >_> Marielle motioned for me to go sit up near her, but it turned out the seat was being saved by some stranger.
As I walked past Marielle and Andrea to get to the open seat, Andrea grabbed my ass. Twice O_O I stopped, turned, and stared at her with a look that said, "Really? Did you really just do that?" Then after I found out the open seat was already taken, I had to walk past the girls again. And again, Andrew grabbed my ass. That time, I stopped momentarily and then kept walking.
Hm, there was a band performance before the start of the competition. April Chase. They sounded a lot like Paramore >_> Pretty good, but I couldn't get Paramore out of my head.
Anyway, the competition was fun. I was really impressed. Though, I don't really remember specific performances anymore. How sad. Oh, I do remember that I especially enjoyed Prophecy Inc.'s performance. They were really on point imho. That massive, 360-degree group wave thing was friggin' awesome. So fluid. I was glad they at least placed third. I wasn't surprised that Funk Beyond Control didn't get first place this year. Love the lil kids dancing, but their performance this year didn't match up with their performance from last year. Pac Modern won first place, but honestly I don't remember their performance at all >_>
Not saying their performance wasn't good. I liked all the performances this year, except maybe FLOorganics' showcase performance. It was interesting, but it didn't really appeal to me. Anyway, I don't think I remember much of the Battlefest performances because I had a really funky headache last night. I'm sure the loud music didn't help either. I remember there were two times in the night where the bass made me feel like I was gonna pass out. But luckily, I didn't.
Ooh, Supreme Soul's guest performance was pretty sick. If only I was better at giving descriptions haha... Oh well, guess you're gonna have to settle for YouTube videos :P Oh, after nine years, Battlefest is finally gonna go nationwide :D How awesome.
Oh, and I think the 3-on-3 battles were rigged too XP The final battle was between the Academy of Yee and the Academy of Villains. Supreme Soul members. Though, the dancer with the red hair was really tight with his moves. Gotta give him that much XP
Mm, I left the Auditorium almost immediately after Pac Modern was announced the winner. Said goodbye to Marielle via text haha. Also texted Ariane, but she didn't reply ): You know, I didn't realize there were other ST people in Wrawsome aside from Kathy D. There's apparently also Jaime, Alyssa G, and Gerald G. Or at least it looked like them. Same people from the hip hop portion of our Fantastiks performance senior year, hm.
So light rail once again to campus. Walked to Shiva's. Got there around 21h30. Jonathan, Hannah, Phil, and two other people were already there. Those two people left. And Ulysses(?) and Katrina (from my Linguistics class) arrived.
I didn't drink much last night. I controlled myself. Yay. I don't remember what I drank though. But I didn't eat much, so it affected me quickly.
We tried to watch "Thank You for Smoking" and "1408," but none of us were really paying attention. So a marathon of "1000 Ways to Die" on SpikeTV was the answer. That lasted till 1 in the morning.
And damn were we loud last night haha. Especially Hannah, Ulysses, and Katrina haha. I felt really bad for Shiva's roommates XP
Lot of random conversation. Much of it revolved around... Actually, I don't remember. I can only recall bits and pieces of conversations. Some guy named Craig was drunk texting Hannah. There was drunken dancing. Talks of how tasty cough medicine is >_< ew.
I spent the last half of the night talking to Phil (tall guy from Lafayette). Got to know each other better. He tried to help me plan my future hahaha. Yeaah. I wasn't much help to his efforts.
And it must have been the effects of alcohol, but I hugged Jonathan and Phil when they left ahaha.
In my slightly drunken state, I contemplated a lot of things. One of them was the realization that I hug some friends (whom I don't often see) more frequently than I hug other friends (whom I do often see). How strange. Like, I hugged those two guys. I hug a few of my friends from high school (who don't go to SJSU). I hug Matt C and Carlo, whom I see once or twice a week. I hug Rose once in a while when I see her. I always hug D when he comes over to the house to visit. On the other hand, I rarely if ever hug Mother or Brother. I don't think I've ever hugged Amy, Christine, Lisa, or Albert, even when I saw them every day last semester and the semester before. I don't hug Brian or Shiva, and I've been chilling with those two about four days a week since the start of semester. And have you realized that I hug you more often now than I did back when we used to hang out in high school? Like, now, every time I see Autumn, Maggie, Ariane, or anyone from high school really, I usually hug them. I never used to do that haha.
My relationships and comfortable-ness with people are not how I should want them to be. Hm. Usually, people seem to hug their closer friends more than they hug their less close friends. Or maybe I'm just trying to find a flaw within myself. Bah, I see too many.
Aaanyway, back to the party/get-together. Shiva and Phil kept tickling me T-T She tickled me out of my seat. So mean. Unfair. Two against one.
Ahh, I was feeling soo hot during the party too T-T Too much body heeeaat. Shiva was the opposite of me. She was cold. I wished I was cold. I can't stand heat. Ahaha, I just remembered Shiva stole heat from my hand O_o She and Phil kept playing with my hands at one point too O_o I just sat there, thinking, "This is kinda weird. Why are they playing with my hands? And why aren't my hands moving away?" I was really tiiired. It was like 3 in the morning. Egh, I usually go to bed by midnight. Ahh, my brain.
Mm, so when Phil was leaving, he said that I was cute >_> <_< >_> I just stared at him O_O and said I didn't know how to respond to that. He said he didn't expect me to say anything. Silence. "Uhh, thank you?" "You're welcome." Mm yeah, like I've said before, I don't get compliments often. So when I do receive them, I feel weird/awkward, and I don't know what to say. And you know, I just never know if people are saying things because they mean it or because they're just trying to flatter me for some patronizing reason -_- haha.
Oh wow, I just remembered I told Phil that I've lied to people a lot. For a nice person, I lie a lot O.O Yeaah. Hm. It's just easier to lie. By omission. Yeah. Ok.
Mm, so I slept over on the living room couch. 4 AM was shut-eye time. But I kept waking up, and I looked at my watch each time. 5h30, 6h00, 6h30, 7h30, 8h30. I stayed awake at 8h30. I did some push-ups and sit-ups haha. Some homework. Then I listened to music and looked out the window for the next two hour.
I remember a dream: I was sleeping on the couch. Pretty much like I was doing in real life. And Brian comes walking through the door and yanks me off the couch so that he can sit on the couch O_o I just sit on the floor, staring up at him. Then I wake up.
Not much of an interesting dream, but eh -shrug-
Morning was ok. Shiva came out of her room around 10h30, and we talked for a while. I was listening to Owl City. She said she hadn't listened to Owl City in a while :O I've been listening to him less often only because I don't drive often anymore. She has her reason for not listening to the music. I have my reason for listening to it (I'm a masochist >_> haha). I've already said it before: Owl City makes me nostalgic in many ways, good and sad. Though, I suppose I never mentioned the sad. But, eh, you don't need to know. Or you already know. You just don't need to know what specifically. Hm, today, I realize there's another reason I listen to Owl City and other music that makes me feel the same way: They make me think about the things I want but can't have >_> yeaah...
Mm, I was gonna take the light rail home, but Mother had plans. So D came to pick me up from campus. Yeah. I was glad. I didn't have to listen to Mother yell at me for going home at noon. Well, I still had to listen, but not for long because she had to go somewhere, whew.
Hmm, I feel like there was so much more I wanted to say about last night. Maybe it was just all the conversations that I wanted to remember but now cannot recall. Yeah, probably. Pathetic -_-
I remember there was a conversation about cuddling. I think I was the one who brought it up though. Not sure.
Blah, I feel like a mopey drunk. I'm a mopey person, mm.
You know, I feel like I can type so much. Yet, there's nothing there, hm.
And my brain hurts. But it doesn't feel like a hangover. It shouldn't be a hangover. I didn't drink enough. Could be a residual headache from last night.
Home alone now. Why am I supposed to be home right now?
I'm kinda losing focus. I'm kinda losing myself. Must be the lack of sleep.
I have a strong urge to really complain about my life, about how frustrated I am that things don't work out the way I want them to (ooh, another conversation topic I had with Phil). But eh.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I ran... I ran so far away...
It's in my head. Stop. Stop thinking. Fight it. Stop obsessing. Fight it. Don't give in. Don't give up. This isn't healthy for you. Stop. Let it go. Move on. I always move on. Why am I not moving on? I always get over it. Why am I not getting over it?
This is what happens in my head when I start thinking about too many things before I go to sleep. You know, I often wish that I had the telekinetic power to type up a blog. I always think of everything I want to write about when I'm lying down in bed at night, but I end up forgetting a lot of it the next morning. It saddens me when this happens. I always come up with the catchiest titles then, too -_- Blahh...
I had to wake up at 04h45 this morning to drive D to work because the Cressida broke down in front of my house yesterday haha. Have to pick him up later in the afternoon.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep until probably midnight last night, and it was a dreamless night. I laid in bed, thinking about things. I am soo obsessive. It's pretty bad.
Mm, so when I was going to pick D up, I was pretty happy though tired. It was foggy (though not foggy enough), and there were almost no cars on the streets. I love that. The darkness, fogginess, emptiness. <_<>_> Yes, I'm weird, I know. I like how depressing love songs make me feel. Their songs on this album just feel right, I dunno).
I managed to get an hour of sleep, so I didn't get up before 07h00 :/ Oh well. I had a two-part dream. Though, the two parts did not seem related in any way. And I realize I have quite a few dreams in which I am driving, hm.
Dream: I'm driving a sports car of some sort. Brother is in the passenger seat, and a girl is sitting the backseat. Apparently, I'm giving Brother's friend a ride home. We're headed north on Monterey Road. Before we reach Senter Road, a large group of high-school-aged people with teachers (I recognized Joelle, a dance instructor from SJSU O_o) swarm the street from the hills. They are all walking north as well. It seems that they are walking to Fanime in downtown. I slow down, so that I don't run anyone over.
Then I see someone I know. A girl (Some1) that I want to talk to (in my head: "Why is she here? She isn't supposed to be here. Why didn't she tell me she was here?"). But she's far ahead. I try to speed up a little. But she's moving too fast. She's on some funky looking pair of rollerblades. More like she's floating on orb-like things. They looked futuristic haha. Anyway, I try to catch up to her, but then a group of teens walk directly in front of my car. I have to slow down to 5 mph.
Brother asks why I was speeding up and slowing down so much. I tell him that I want to talk to the friend that's getting away. He tells me to honk the horn, so I can catch up and also so that I can drive his friend home in time. I'm surprised that he doesn't tell me to just run the people over >_> So I press the car horn. I'm surprised that I do that (I don't like honking the car horn at anyone).
The girls turn around in surprise. A guy walking next to my car looks at me in surprise, as if he didn't expect me to honk. But the girls get out of the way. I speed up, but Some1 has gone out of sight. I am sad and slow down again.
Something happens here, and I end up in Brother's room (that's if he had his own room). We're watching a movie or something. Brother and I are talking about something that has to do with gay couples -shrug- Then he asks, "Like those two guys on the screen?" I look at the screen and nod.
Then I'm in the scene with two teen jocks who are kissing each other. I can't describe them, but I feel like I've seen this movie before. Suddenly, after the passionate kiss, one boy shoves the other one away and says, "What the fuck? What are we doing? This is disgusting. This can't happen." Apparently, the boy had thought he was straight, but then the kiss happened. The boy stands there, looking angry. The other guy wipes his lips with the back of his hand but looks at the boy with a sad look in his eyes. The boy says, "I can't do this. I lo... But I can't do this for you. I'm sorry." The boy storms out of the bedroom, angry at himself. I stand there, watching this all play out, not affecting anything as I walk around. The guy whispers slowly, "But you love me..."
I'm walking down the stairs outside the bedroom door. I stare at a little girl in the living room, afraid she will look at me, know what I did, and hate me. I see the boy's father and continue to feel the shame. I walk out the door, hoping I don't the other boy's mother. I don't want them to know what I just did with their son. I need to get away. I don't want them to know how much I'm hurting their son.
And that's the whole dream. I feel like the boy loves the other guy but doesn't want to. Not because he doesn't want to be gay (though he uses that as an excuse), but because he doesn't want anyone to love him. That was what I was thinking as I walked out the front door. That walking away part, I'm the boy who shoved the other boy away.
I wish I knew why I switched into his role. I wish I knew why I'm often driving in my dreams, why I never get to where I'm going. I wish my dreams would finish. They never finish, not even close.
-sigh-
Anyway, I was listening to the radio this morning in the car. Three songs that I absolutely enjoy were played:
The music video is nothing special, but the song is so damn catchy to me. It's one of the few songs that I do put on repeat. And there are some awesome covers of this song on YouTube too. Listen to HappySlip's cover haha :)
Next one: It's the song of my life. Well, no, not really haha. But it's the song I listen to now when I'm feeling down and doubtful of my awesomeness haha. It gives me hope, I suppose -shrug- It helps me to be delusional, you know? haha XD
Last one: A classic. I think I first heard this song on GTA: Vice City though haha.
Yeah, fun stuff :) Happy music in the morning, good.
Continual complaining in the morning, bad :( I need to wake up earlier, so no one will be awake to bitch about anything -_- Happy mornings, please. Or at least neutral ones.
No sad or angry mornings. Can't deal with that. Ugh.. I want my quiet mornings.
This is what happens in my head when I start thinking about too many things before I go to sleep. You know, I often wish that I had the telekinetic power to type up a blog. I always think of everything I want to write about when I'm lying down in bed at night, but I end up forgetting a lot of it the next morning. It saddens me when this happens. I always come up with the catchiest titles then, too -_- Blahh...
I had to wake up at 04h45 this morning to drive D to work because the Cressida broke down in front of my house yesterday haha. Have to pick him up later in the afternoon.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep until probably midnight last night, and it was a dreamless night. I laid in bed, thinking about things. I am soo obsessive. It's pretty bad.
Mm, so when I was going to pick D up, I was pretty happy though tired. It was foggy (though not foggy enough), and there were almost no cars on the streets. I love that. The darkness, fogginess, emptiness. <_<>_> Yes, I'm weird, I know. I like how depressing love songs make me feel. Their songs on this album just feel right, I dunno).
I managed to get an hour of sleep, so I didn't get up before 07h00 :/ Oh well. I had a two-part dream. Though, the two parts did not seem related in any way. And I realize I have quite a few dreams in which I am driving, hm.
Dream: I'm driving a sports car of some sort. Brother is in the passenger seat, and a girl is sitting the backseat. Apparently, I'm giving Brother's friend a ride home. We're headed north on Monterey Road. Before we reach Senter Road, a large group of high-school-aged people with teachers (I recognized Joelle, a dance instructor from SJSU O_o) swarm the street from the hills. They are all walking north as well. It seems that they are walking to Fanime in downtown. I slow down, so that I don't run anyone over.
Then I see someone I know. A girl (Some1) that I want to talk to (in my head: "Why is she here? She isn't supposed to be here. Why didn't she tell me she was here?"). But she's far ahead. I try to speed up a little. But she's moving too fast. She's on some funky looking pair of rollerblades. More like she's floating on orb-like things. They looked futuristic haha. Anyway, I try to catch up to her, but then a group of teens walk directly in front of my car. I have to slow down to 5 mph.
Brother asks why I was speeding up and slowing down so much. I tell him that I want to talk to the friend that's getting away. He tells me to honk the horn, so I can catch up and also so that I can drive his friend home in time. I'm surprised that he doesn't tell me to just run the people over >_> So I press the car horn. I'm surprised that I do that (I don't like honking the car horn at anyone).
The girls turn around in surprise. A guy walking next to my car looks at me in surprise, as if he didn't expect me to honk. But the girls get out of the way. I speed up, but Some1 has gone out of sight. I am sad and slow down again.
Something happens here, and I end up in Brother's room (that's if he had his own room). We're watching a movie or something. Brother and I are talking about something that has to do with gay couples -shrug- Then he asks, "Like those two guys on the screen?" I look at the screen and nod.
Then I'm in the scene with two teen jocks who are kissing each other. I can't describe them, but I feel like I've seen this movie before. Suddenly, after the passionate kiss, one boy shoves the other one away and says, "What the fuck? What are we doing? This is disgusting. This can't happen." Apparently, the boy had thought he was straight, but then the kiss happened. The boy stands there, looking angry. The other guy wipes his lips with the back of his hand but looks at the boy with a sad look in his eyes. The boy says, "I can't do this. I lo... But I can't do this for you. I'm sorry." The boy storms out of the bedroom, angry at himself. I stand there, watching this all play out, not affecting anything as I walk around. The guy whispers slowly, "But you love me..."
I'm walking down the stairs outside the bedroom door. I stare at a little girl in the living room, afraid she will look at me, know what I did, and hate me. I see the boy's father and continue to feel the shame. I walk out the door, hoping I don't the other boy's mother. I don't want them to know what I just did with their son. I need to get away. I don't want them to know how much I'm hurting their son.
And that's the whole dream. I feel like the boy loves the other guy but doesn't want to. Not because he doesn't want to be gay (though he uses that as an excuse), but because he doesn't want anyone to love him. That was what I was thinking as I walked out the front door. That walking away part, I'm the boy who shoved the other boy away.
I wish I knew why I switched into his role. I wish I knew why I'm often driving in my dreams, why I never get to where I'm going. I wish my dreams would finish. They never finish, not even close.
-sigh-
Anyway, I was listening to the radio this morning in the car. Three songs that I absolutely enjoy were played:
The music video is nothing special, but the song is so damn catchy to me. It's one of the few songs that I do put on repeat. And there are some awesome covers of this song on YouTube too. Listen to HappySlip's cover haha :)
Next one: It's the song of my life. Well, no, not really haha. But it's the song I listen to now when I'm feeling down and doubtful of my awesomeness haha. It gives me hope, I suppose -shrug- It helps me to be delusional, you know? haha XD
Last one: A classic. I think I first heard this song on GTA: Vice City though haha.
Yeah, fun stuff :) Happy music in the morning, good.
Continual complaining in the morning, bad :( I need to wake up earlier, so no one will be awake to bitch about anything -_- Happy mornings, please. Or at least neutral ones.
No sad or angry mornings. Can't deal with that. Ugh.. I want my quiet mornings.
Monday, January 4, 2010
"If you leave, then baby I'll leave..."
Playing "Until It Kills" by Midtown...
I had so much to say this morning. Now, I don't remember anything.
I woke up at 05h30 again, but I almost couldn't get out of bed this morning -_- All the walking and hiking yesterday totally drained me. But I managed to get up by 07h00.
While I was awake in bed, I thought about things. Dreams. Ugh, my dream this morning suuucked..
Basically, I dreamed about a friend leaving T-T She was packing all her things and walking away. I stopped her in the hallway and asked her why she was leaving. She stopped, looked at me for a few seconds, put a hand on my arm, smiled, and then continued walking away. I just stood there and watched her leave.
But for some reason, I feel like my dream actually ended when she smiled at me. Hm. And I woke up with tears in my eyes again -__- These sad dreams are making me not want to go to sleep anymore.
I don't know what's up with my dreams lately. Not liking them much at all. What is going on in my braaaiin? Ahhh...
I had another dream, I think. Driving a big ass SUV from the second row of seats O_o On the freeway. Next to a tour bus that wanted to run me off the road. I managed to survive, but all my passengers disappeared :O They left me because they thought I would kill them. Even though, I wasn't being a reckless driver. The bus guy was :/ And that's all I remember from that dream.
I'm inconsistent, but my dreams feel very consistent(?). I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something >_> What? I have no idea, nor do I really want to figure it out. No matter how simple it may be. I just want my dreams to go back to being happy or neutral dreams.
Ooh, I think I'm gonna start putting down what song I'm listening to at the start and end of each entry. I'm sure it would help me remember what my mood was or something. Eh, maybe I won't do the music thing. Hm. Maybe sometimes. I dunno. I'm just wasting time haha.
Must find consistent things to do. I want to be consistent. Why do I feel so inconsistent?
Mm, have to do stuff for Mother today. I can't hang out with Jamila before she leaves :( This saddens me. Stupid car stuff -_-
Playing "IfULeave" by Musiq Soulchild Ft. Mary J Blige...
I had so much to say this morning. Now, I don't remember anything.
I woke up at 05h30 again, but I almost couldn't get out of bed this morning -_- All the walking and hiking yesterday totally drained me. But I managed to get up by 07h00.
While I was awake in bed, I thought about things. Dreams. Ugh, my dream this morning suuucked..
Basically, I dreamed about a friend leaving T-T She was packing all her things and walking away. I stopped her in the hallway and asked her why she was leaving. She stopped, looked at me for a few seconds, put a hand on my arm, smiled, and then continued walking away. I just stood there and watched her leave.
But for some reason, I feel like my dream actually ended when she smiled at me. Hm. And I woke up with tears in my eyes again -__- These sad dreams are making me not want to go to sleep anymore.
I don't know what's up with my dreams lately. Not liking them much at all. What is going on in my braaaiin? Ahhh...
I had another dream, I think. Driving a big ass SUV from the second row of seats O_o On the freeway. Next to a tour bus that wanted to run me off the road. I managed to survive, but all my passengers disappeared :O They left me because they thought I would kill them. Even though, I wasn't being a reckless driver. The bus guy was :/ And that's all I remember from that dream.
I'm inconsistent, but my dreams feel very consistent(?). I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something >_> What? I have no idea, nor do I really want to figure it out. No matter how simple it may be. I just want my dreams to go back to being happy or neutral dreams.
Ooh, I think I'm gonna start putting down what song I'm listening to at the start and end of each entry. I'm sure it would help me remember what my mood was or something. Eh, maybe I won't do the music thing. Hm. Maybe sometimes. I dunno. I'm just wasting time haha.
Must find consistent things to do. I want to be consistent. Why do I feel so inconsistent?
Mm, have to do stuff for Mother today. I can't hang out with Jamila before she leaves :( This saddens me. Stupid car stuff -_-
Playing "IfULeave" by Musiq Soulchild Ft. Mary J Blige...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sad dreams?
I didn't sleep very well this morning. Kept waking up again. But I had two long dreams this morning. I woke up and laid there, trying to remember them. I think I've forgotten most of them. I remember bits from the first and a vague feeling from the second.
Just so you know, sometimes I give lame, generic nicknames (at least in my head) because I don't remember actual names. Or maybe I just don't feel like mentioning actual names because I'm too embarrassed or something. Sometimes, I'm not really sure.
Dream 1: The same people from last night at the same hotel. We pretty much do all the same things we did last night there. Play piano, watch the ice skaters, Ariel steals a small plate. Only difference from last night is we all run to the elevator when we leave.
(There were "transition scenes," but I don't remember them.) Maggie, Ariane, and I are in the backseat of someone's car. Ariane is talking to Tim (her fellow dancer) on the phone, telling him to meet her in front of "J Lube" (Jiffy Lube, if you didn't get that). And Ariane keeps suddenly switching seats between the backseat, the driver's, and the passenger's. Maggie and I stay in the back. Tim shows up to give Ariane her stuff that she forgot to take with her. They talk for a while. Then I think Tim gets in the backseat next to Maggie and me.
Then Ariane's gone. Now, the dreams just focused in the backseat of the car. There are five of us sitting, comfortably packed in the back. In order from left to right: Maggie, a girl (I'll call her Some1), me, Tim (who later becomes another guy), a guy. Maggie and I know the three.
Some1 is talking about another girl, who's got life too easy. People are always doing things for her. She never has to try. Tim tries to defend the other girl, but Some1 won't listen. This is when Tim becomes someone else.
Then Some1 talks about her best guy friend (Obsessive Guy, or OG for short :P), who in reality is a friend of mine who works at SJSU and is like almost 30 haha. Anyway, he won't talk to Some1 anymore. Why? Because he's obsessed with the other girl that Some1 is talking about. Then there was something about OG going to Kansas in a month (in dream world, I thought, "Why is he going to Kansas? He doesn't seem like the type to go to Kansas."). The two guys in the car are trying to defend OG, but Some1 won't listen. They try to say that she should move on. Still won't listen. Maggie agrees with the guys. Still won't listen. Some1 looks at me, as if she's expecting my input as well. I stay silent.
There are actually many times during her little monologue when she looks at me, waiting for some kind of reaction or something. I dunno. But I never react. I just sit and listen, absorbing the sadness, the anger, and something else (I dunno what though).
I'm kinda surprised by this dream. I mean, I know I'm pretty quiet in real life, but I usually say something in my dreams. I've never "willingly" been silent in a dream. I never did so much thinking within a dream. Like, I heard my voice, but it was always in my head, not out loud.
Anyway, Some1 keeps going on about the girl and OG. Keeps looking at me. The other three keep trying to calm her down, persuade her to think differently, but she won't listen. I sit there, thinking, "Why aren't you listening to them? You know they're right." Why don't I say this out loud? I don't know.
After a while, we're all quiet. The guys say they want to sleep. Suddenly, we're all lying down comfortably, side by side, in the backseat. I think the seat turned into a bed. With blankets. All but Some1 and I fall asleep. My left arm is touching Some1's right arm. I lift my arm up and put it over my face. My right hand on my stomach. I'm in the dark, but I can still feel everything around me.
Some1 talks to me. Directly. Looks at me directly. She wants to know why I'm so quiet. I don't move, don't say a word. "Why didn't you say what you were thinking? Why didn't you agree with them? Why didn't you even nod or shake your head? You just sat there, listening." Silence. The one-sided conversation continues for a bit.
Then she lies back down on her side, facing me. I think, "Because I don't want to... Because you don't need me to... Because this is just scary different..." (I don't know what I meant by any of that, but of course I knew in dream world.)
We're laying there for a while. No words. Weird feelings, on my part. Then Some1 asks, "Do you want me to hold you?" No reply. She asks again. Still no reply. What am I thinking? "I don't... want this." She turns me slightly onto my right side and puts her arms around me, rests her head on the back of my neck. The other three have disappeared without my noticing.
What do I think? "I don't want you to hold me..." But I don't move. "I want to hold you..." Still no movement. "Ahh, but this is... nice." I start to feel... different? I don't really know the word.
Then I woke up. At 0645. With my arms over my face and tears streaming out of my eyes. I don't know why I was crying when I woke up. Why was I crying in my sleep? This cannot be good.
I spent an hour, thinking about the dream. Not sure what I accomplished with that.
Then I fell asleep again. Had my second dream. But I don't really remember much from it.
Dream 2: There were naked people in my dream haha. In a shared bathroom. One of those naked dreams. At least I wasn't alone and I still had my pants on haha. Though, I was trying to cover up with a towel. Nighttime. Someone was following me. Some big guy. He scared me. He really scared me. He almost caught me in a room in a confusing building, in which I don't know how I got to that room. Just a lot of walking, turning, and looking back. I tried to ask people to help get rid of this guy. But people just laughed, said I was paranoid, said I shouldn't be so scared of a stranger. They laughed. Then they were all wearing clothes. I was still shirtless. Then he caught me. With all those people around, laughing.
I blink. I was somewhere else. With Mother. She was holding onto my arms. Shaking me? She was angry. Yelling. "You were caught!"
This second dream is really vague, but I have the feeling that I was fighting with both Mother and the stranger. They were both after me. I ran away from both.
I woke up crying from this one too. I don't know why my dreams are making me cry. I hate this. It's just about as bad as not knowing what happened in a dream that made me cry. This happened a few days ago or yesterday. Don't remember. I don't like that. Sleeping and crying, waking up not knowing. Or sleeping and crying, waking to know what but not why.
Not a good start to my day. Not that there was a start anyway. I got maybe five hours of very interrupted sleep.
Anyway, I should stay home for a few days, maybe a week. I heard Mother yelling at Brother this morning. I don't think going out will help. So much for no anger today. She's already angry. At me. My fault, I know. And I mean, that "angry at one, angry at all" thing. She's mad at me, but she took it out on Brother because he was awake. Though, she was angry at him for the same reason she's mad at him in the mornings. He wakes up too late and then complains about being late to work, as if it's not his fault. That's understandable anger on Mother's part. But she doesn't need to say the stuff she says. Stuff that has nothing to do with Brother's lateness. Stuff that we don't need to hear, especially on Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be joyful, at least bearable.
Mm.. if you listen to one of these diatribes of hers, you might think they're not that bad. They probably aren't. I'm just weak, and I can't take any of the things she says. I'm probably blowing them out of proportion. I just don't like having to listen to them over and over again.
Ahh, I don't know what I'm gonna do today. Maybe read. Nothing else to do, except go on the computer. But I don't really want to. I need a fuckin' hobby. I need to occupy my time better. More productivity, distractions; less thinking, wasting time, bullshit.
Oh, I'll work on my list of resolutions. I'll try to put the official list up tonight or tomorrow.
Hope all is well.
Just so you know, sometimes I give lame, generic nicknames (at least in my head) because I don't remember actual names. Or maybe I just don't feel like mentioning actual names because I'm too embarrassed or something. Sometimes, I'm not really sure.
Dream 1: The same people from last night at the same hotel. We pretty much do all the same things we did last night there. Play piano, watch the ice skaters, Ariel steals a small plate. Only difference from last night is we all run to the elevator when we leave.
(There were "transition scenes," but I don't remember them.) Maggie, Ariane, and I are in the backseat of someone's car. Ariane is talking to Tim (her fellow dancer) on the phone, telling him to meet her in front of "J Lube" (Jiffy Lube, if you didn't get that). And Ariane keeps suddenly switching seats between the backseat, the driver's, and the passenger's. Maggie and I stay in the back. Tim shows up to give Ariane her stuff that she forgot to take with her. They talk for a while. Then I think Tim gets in the backseat next to Maggie and me.
Then Ariane's gone. Now, the dreams just focused in the backseat of the car. There are five of us sitting, comfortably packed in the back. In order from left to right: Maggie, a girl (I'll call her Some1), me, Tim (who later becomes another guy), a guy. Maggie and I know the three.
Some1 is talking about another girl, who's got life too easy. People are always doing things for her. She never has to try. Tim tries to defend the other girl, but Some1 won't listen. This is when Tim becomes someone else.
Then Some1 talks about her best guy friend (Obsessive Guy, or OG for short :P), who in reality is a friend of mine who works at SJSU and is like almost 30 haha. Anyway, he won't talk to Some1 anymore. Why? Because he's obsessed with the other girl that Some1 is talking about. Then there was something about OG going to Kansas in a month (in dream world, I thought, "Why is he going to Kansas? He doesn't seem like the type to go to Kansas."). The two guys in the car are trying to defend OG, but Some1 won't listen. They try to say that she should move on. Still won't listen. Maggie agrees with the guys. Still won't listen. Some1 looks at me, as if she's expecting my input as well. I stay silent.
There are actually many times during her little monologue when she looks at me, waiting for some kind of reaction or something. I dunno. But I never react. I just sit and listen, absorbing the sadness, the anger, and something else (I dunno what though).
I'm kinda surprised by this dream. I mean, I know I'm pretty quiet in real life, but I usually say something in my dreams. I've never "willingly" been silent in a dream. I never did so much thinking within a dream. Like, I heard my voice, but it was always in my head, not out loud.
Anyway, Some1 keeps going on about the girl and OG. Keeps looking at me. The other three keep trying to calm her down, persuade her to think differently, but she won't listen. I sit there, thinking, "Why aren't you listening to them? You know they're right." Why don't I say this out loud? I don't know.
After a while, we're all quiet. The guys say they want to sleep. Suddenly, we're all lying down comfortably, side by side, in the backseat. I think the seat turned into a bed. With blankets. All but Some1 and I fall asleep. My left arm is touching Some1's right arm. I lift my arm up and put it over my face. My right hand on my stomach. I'm in the dark, but I can still feel everything around me.
Some1 talks to me. Directly. Looks at me directly. She wants to know why I'm so quiet. I don't move, don't say a word. "Why didn't you say what you were thinking? Why didn't you agree with them? Why didn't you even nod or shake your head? You just sat there, listening." Silence. The one-sided conversation continues for a bit.
Then she lies back down on her side, facing me. I think, "Because I don't want to... Because you don't need me to... Because this is just scary different..." (I don't know what I meant by any of that, but of course I knew in dream world.)
We're laying there for a while. No words. Weird feelings, on my part. Then Some1 asks, "Do you want me to hold you?" No reply. She asks again. Still no reply. What am I thinking? "I don't... want this." She turns me slightly onto my right side and puts her arms around me, rests her head on the back of my neck. The other three have disappeared without my noticing.
What do I think? "I don't want you to hold me..." But I don't move. "I want to hold you..." Still no movement. "Ahh, but this is... nice." I start to feel... different? I don't really know the word.
Then I woke up. At 0645. With my arms over my face and tears streaming out of my eyes. I don't know why I was crying when I woke up. Why was I crying in my sleep? This cannot be good.
I spent an hour, thinking about the dream. Not sure what I accomplished with that.
Then I fell asleep again. Had my second dream. But I don't really remember much from it.
Dream 2: There were naked people in my dream haha. In a shared bathroom. One of those naked dreams. At least I wasn't alone and I still had my pants on haha. Though, I was trying to cover up with a towel. Nighttime. Someone was following me. Some big guy. He scared me. He really scared me. He almost caught me in a room in a confusing building, in which I don't know how I got to that room. Just a lot of walking, turning, and looking back. I tried to ask people to help get rid of this guy. But people just laughed, said I was paranoid, said I shouldn't be so scared of a stranger. They laughed. Then they were all wearing clothes. I was still shirtless. Then he caught me. With all those people around, laughing.
I blink. I was somewhere else. With Mother. She was holding onto my arms. Shaking me? She was angry. Yelling. "You were caught!"
This second dream is really vague, but I have the feeling that I was fighting with both Mother and the stranger. They were both after me. I ran away from both.
I woke up crying from this one too. I don't know why my dreams are making me cry. I hate this. It's just about as bad as not knowing what happened in a dream that made me cry. This happened a few days ago or yesterday. Don't remember. I don't like that. Sleeping and crying, waking up not knowing. Or sleeping and crying, waking to know what but not why.
Not a good start to my day. Not that there was a start anyway. I got maybe five hours of very interrupted sleep.
Anyway, I should stay home for a few days, maybe a week. I heard Mother yelling at Brother this morning. I don't think going out will help. So much for no anger today. She's already angry. At me. My fault, I know. And I mean, that "angry at one, angry at all" thing. She's mad at me, but she took it out on Brother because he was awake. Though, she was angry at him for the same reason she's mad at him in the mornings. He wakes up too late and then complains about being late to work, as if it's not his fault. That's understandable anger on Mother's part. But she doesn't need to say the stuff she says. Stuff that has nothing to do with Brother's lateness. Stuff that we don't need to hear, especially on Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be joyful, at least bearable.
Mm.. if you listen to one of these diatribes of hers, you might think they're not that bad. They probably aren't. I'm just weak, and I can't take any of the things she says. I'm probably blowing them out of proportion. I just don't like having to listen to them over and over again.
Ahh, I don't know what I'm gonna do today. Maybe read. Nothing else to do, except go on the computer. But I don't really want to. I need a fuckin' hobby. I need to occupy my time better. More productivity, distractions; less thinking, wasting time, bullshit.
Oh, I'll work on my list of resolutions. I'll try to put the official list up tonight or tomorrow.
Hope all is well.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I was left behind...
in a dream this afternoon :(
Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.
This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...
Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.
Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-
Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-
My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):
Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.
I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.
I just want to listen.
-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...
My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP
Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.
I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.
akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.
Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.
Driving, I was following Kat, Alex D, Jeisun, Ariane, Maggie, and a few other people to an airport. They were all wearing summer clothes and carrying luggage. I was wearing sweats and holding my hockey stick. When we were at the airport, I didn't know why we were there or why I followed them. Then it hit me. I asked them if they were going to Expo 2010. They said yes. "But it's May. Isn't it supposed to be in July?" "Yes, usually it is, but this year they changed it. They had planned to push it back to September, but people wanted it to happen earlier." D: I was devastated because I didn't know. Someone asked, "Sorry, we forgot to invite you. Do you still wanna go with us?" I thought about it. Of course I wanted to go. There were people in SoCal that I wanted to visit (Faces actually appeared in my dream mind, and those people really do live in SoCal). But we were an hour away from my house. No time to get a plane ticket, pack, and get on the plane. So I said, "It's too late.. You guys have fun." I looked at my hockey stick, swung it a little, and then walked back to my car, feeling sad that I couldn't go.
This was one of those rare dreams, in which I felt like I could think. When I woke up, I almost cried. It felt so real. But I quickly realized that it's still December. Mm...
Anyway, today, I took my AAS final at 0715. 20 mulitple choice with a bonus for spelling "Afghanistan" correctly and four (out of six) short essay questions. I think I only got two of the four essays right :/ I finished around 0845. Headed over to Shiva's to print out my Philosophy one-page final paper (Last night, my ink had dried out on the last two lines of the paper -_-). Got my paper, thanked Shiva, wished luck on finals, and left. Turned in my paper at the Philosophy Center/Office/whatever it's called.
Then I spent more than two and a half hours sitting at a bench. Thinking. Or actually, not thinking. What a change. I didn't think much about anything today. Must have been because of the two hours of restless sleep I got this morning. Went to bed around 0100 after I finished my paper. Couldn't fall asleep until 0300. Woke up at 0445. Light rail at 0600 in the morning, very empty. I like it. I might go that early again tomorrow. Though, if I wanna ride the light rail with Lisa, I should probably leave later. Eh -shrug-
Anyway, though I spent most of my time on the bench not thinking and just watching a guy clear out the leaves on the walkways for two hours, the very little thinking I did was interesting, I s'pose. I thought about how little I thought haha. I didn't know what to think about. Oh, there were a lot of little kids on campus today. Field trips. First graders. So many lil kids, scary -_-
My mind was/is really blank today. I can't recall much of anything that I did think about. I can't even remember what Lisa and I were talking about when she drove me home ):
Mm, unimportant stuff: I downgraded my AIM from 7.1 to 6.9. I gave AIM 7 a chance for a few weeks, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Though AIM 6.9 isn't all that great either, it's a lil better than 7. Well, I'm just saying that because I got used to it for several months. 7 just had too many changes. Too much. Mm, with AIM 6, I can use the Music Link plugin again too. It's been a long time since I've used that. A few people used it yesterday, and it brought back memories :) So yeah, I think I'll just use that as my AIM statuses from now on or something. I'll learn to not be compulsive about changing statuses so often. I need to obsess about it less haha.
I still can't get over how dead AIM is now. For me anyway. I talk to like six people. And I don't really have regular conversation with any of them. Mm. The other 29 people on the list are usually not online or always away. They have lives haha. I need to find a life (I feel like I've said this before). I should just forget AIM, but I have those letting-go issues XP and sometimes, someone wants to talk to me. I guess I just want people to want to talk to me more, but I'm not really doing anything about it. Really, I just don't know what to say :P I just want people to talk, so I have someone to listen to.
I just want to listen.
-sigh- I'm still tired, even though I took like a four-hour nap, during which I had the dream. I might actually go to bed early tonight. Hope for a good dream, for restful sleep. Though, I haven't had restful sleep for a long while now. Blahh...
My dreams lately, whatever I can remember, have been weird. They feel related, but I don't know how they relate. They just feel like it. I dunno what I'm trying to say now. My head is really heavy and just... not good. Egh, I'm not good with words right now. It makes me worried about my Philosophy paper XP
Ok, one more final tomorrow morning. I might sit at a bench again. I don't know yet. I'll probably finish the Physics final in half an hour. I seriously don't think it will take me too long. Maybe I'll just wait for Lisa. Maybe I'll just walk around. I don't know. I don't wanna go home early. Though, I should just so I can sleep. Meh. Mm, most likely will visit ST on Wednesday with Lisa, Albert, and Robert. Might be Mole Day. Well, at least for Vokt's class. Don't know about Worden's.
I need to think about next semester. Going home after dark for the first two months of the semester. Not sure the bike thing will go well at all with Mother. Maybe in the second half, after Daylight Savings Time starts. Mm, long school days. Should try to fill in my days with eventful or productive things. Might not be seeing or hanging out with the same people I had this semester :( That thought saddens me. Seriously.
akjdljfadljkjf My head is just blaahhh right now. The thinking's coming back. Must mean I'm lucid again. You know, now that I'm thinking, I realize I don't need to bring my backpack tomorrow. Just a pencil and a scantron. But ah, I'll bring my backpack anyway. I'm lame like that haha. Hm, I hope I can focus on some reading tomorrow. I still haven't finished Forever Odd. Want to start Brother Odd soon. Want to find the fourth installment in the series. Then maybe find Koontz's new Breathless. I saw it in Barnes & Nobles on Friday. Also, Shiva told me I should read Brave New World. Hm, I've heard about the novel. I'm kinda surprised none of my high school teachers had it as required reading. Every other student I know seems to have read it.
Eh, I don't know if there's anything I want to say, but I don't want to end this entry :/ Must be something more... I guess not.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Confiding dreams?
For a long time, I've had a recurring dream, which became a recurring daydream. I don't have the dream as often as before, but it still comes to me from time to time. It's more of a daydream now though. I just don't know if it's a good or bad one.
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/
In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.
The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...
I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.
Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.
This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.
Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...
I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.
Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.
Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.
Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-
Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
First clubbing experience was...
fun :) interesting, etc etc.
This may or may not be a long entry because I'm using Autumn's laptop and everyone's still asleep. I only got three hours of sleep, but I can't sleep anymore :/ Too many thoughts, I suppose. Damn.
So yesterday, Mother dropped me off at Autumn's place downtown around 1630. Maggie was already there. Just chilled and talked. I checked my email and stuff on Autumn's laptop :P Interwebz!
Around 1930, we walked to GJ for dinner. Dominique was our server. We agreed (as well as Brother) that she was cute :P Had cajun popcorn shrimp, cajun curly fries, crawfish hushpuppies, and something something etouffee haha. Oh yeah, can't forget the beignets a la mode. Good stuff. Brother covered the cost, even though he wasn't working. He kept texting me, asking me if everything was good and whatever haha. He's looking out for me and my friends. He really wants them to like me XP
We left the restaurant around 2030, I think. Went to the light rail station to wait for Elora. Had interesting conversations concerning lesbianism and its connection to hugs :P
When Elora came, we walked back to Autumn's to get ready for clubbing. Got our stuff together. We left later than expected, which really isn't much of a surprise. Met up with Ariane and Brian at the Macy's parking lot down the street from the club. Ahh, we were three minutes late for the birthday guestlist :( So Autumn, Elora, and Brian had to pay $15 each to get in.
The club wasn't packed when we came. It didn't become packed either. But it's understandable, Thanksgiving weekend; people go home.
Crystal (from Q&A) was there with her girlfriend and friends. At some point in the night, when I was dancing with my friends, she came up behind me (with a train of people?) and started grinding XP I was like "Uhhhh >_> whaat? ... Ok, whatever, just go with it." My friends were laughing at me because I don't grind :P If I really think about it, I've only done it twice before haha. And why am I always the one in front? -_- I feel so violated haha :P
Anyway, my friends had other clubgoers ask them to dance/grind. All but one were politely rejected. Though, I guess in Maggie's case, it was an unheard rejection :/ We were wary of that guy for the rest of the night. Actually, we were kinda wary of all dancers haha. Just such intense freaking :P and making out as well. Ehhh yeaah haha.
I was pretty much done dancing by 0030. That was like the longest break from any kinda dancing I've ever taken. The dancing is fun, but the club scene just ain't my thang :P But that doesn't mean I'll never go clubbing again. Maybe just once in a long while. For birthdays or something, I dunno.
We left around 0130. Went to Denny's. I was in Ariane's car. We went to the Denny's that was a block away. Brian, Maggie, Autumn, and Elora went to a different one waayyy down the street because they don't know how to listen to directions XP So Ariane and I left a message on Autumn's phone, admonishing her for not turning left haha.
Denny's was good. I got a French Toast Slam, I think it's called. We all mainly wanted drinks though. Service was just blehh. I left like a two-dollar tip.
After the late-night meal, we decided it was time to go back to Autumn's. Brian went home. And yeah, I do give hugs, Brian. Or well, I try >_> Mm, I guess special people in my life get hugs from me at least. From time to time, strangers do too :P
Anyway, I was in Ariane's car again. Followed Autumn's Beluga. So slow haha. Got caught up with Ariane a bit. In terms of her love life and whatnot.
Back at Autumn's, the five of us just talked until 0630 in the morning. Sex and relationships, fun stuff :P Interestingly enough, the majority of our conversations yesterday and this morning revolved around this topic. I felt so left out for much of the conversation though :P But it's all good. I can't relate or anything, but at least I'm learning things? haha I didn't have to share much either XP
Though, I feel like I said too much >_> But of course, they're smart kids, so they figure shit out anyway or just assume. No more asking me about my love life, people. It is nonexistent. It will stay that way because that's just how my life goes. That's how my luck goes. Every single time. So much disappointment. I thought I'd stopped expecting anything, but something always gets me. And I figure some shit out too that should stop me, but I just keep going. No more, no more, no more. I hope. Ugh. Just grr.
Sometimes, I really wish there was an off switch.
My friends tried to convince me of one thing, but I'm totally convinced of the other. Besides, they don't know everything XP
Aaanyway, I learned so many new things. Fun stuffs. Good times. Yep.
Don't know what I'm gonna do now. Wish I'd brought my iPod :/ Maybe I'll just lie down and think. I've been doing that a lot anyway. Think, think, think. Not sure it's productive or progressive, but it's all I'm gonna do. All I feel like I can do.
Blaahhh. I suck when I'm like this. I wish I'd stop. Change focus. Or well, get focus.
And maaan, I wish I would say more. I feel terrible that my friends tell me a lot about their lives, but I don't really give them much about mine. Not the really important stuff, you know. And I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it though. It will be a process, a very slow one, but it will happen.
Egh, I think I've said too much in this entry. But I'm just getting my thoughts down somewhere...
Ooh, so I forgot to post two days ago about three dreams I had. But you know, I don't even remember them all that well anymore. Or I do, but details are fuzzy.
Dream 1: A girl kissed me.
Dream 2: Same girl kisses someone else. And I'm heartbroken.
Dream 3: It had to do with a car accident. Crasher sued crashee for damages and won D:
Don't think Dream 3 was related to the first two haha. But yeah, the first two dreams, how reminiscent of real life. In sooo many ways. Though, the third one is believable too. We live in a fucked-up world filled with fucked-up people..
Ahh, delete delete delete... >_> Ok, I should just stop before I put up shit I'm gonna regret sharing with you. Even though "you" really just includes Maggie haha. Hi, Maggie :P
This may or may not be a long entry because I'm using Autumn's laptop and everyone's still asleep. I only got three hours of sleep, but I can't sleep anymore :/ Too many thoughts, I suppose. Damn.
So yesterday, Mother dropped me off at Autumn's place downtown around 1630. Maggie was already there. Just chilled and talked. I checked my email and stuff on Autumn's laptop :P Interwebz!
Around 1930, we walked to GJ for dinner. Dominique was our server. We agreed (as well as Brother) that she was cute :P Had cajun popcorn shrimp, cajun curly fries, crawfish hushpuppies, and something something etouffee haha. Oh yeah, can't forget the beignets a la mode. Good stuff. Brother covered the cost, even though he wasn't working. He kept texting me, asking me if everything was good and whatever haha. He's looking out for me and my friends. He really wants them to like me XP
We left the restaurant around 2030, I think. Went to the light rail station to wait for Elora. Had interesting conversations concerning lesbianism and its connection to hugs :P
When Elora came, we walked back to Autumn's to get ready for clubbing. Got our stuff together. We left later than expected, which really isn't much of a surprise. Met up with Ariane and Brian at the Macy's parking lot down the street from the club. Ahh, we were three minutes late for the birthday guestlist :( So Autumn, Elora, and Brian had to pay $15 each to get in.
The club wasn't packed when we came. It didn't become packed either. But it's understandable, Thanksgiving weekend; people go home.
Crystal (from Q&A) was there with her girlfriend and friends. At some point in the night, when I was dancing with my friends, she came up behind me (with a train of people?) and started grinding XP I was like "Uhhhh >_> whaat? ... Ok, whatever, just go with it." My friends were laughing at me because I don't grind :P If I really think about it, I've only done it twice before haha. And why am I always the one in front? -_- I feel so violated haha :P
Anyway, my friends had other clubgoers ask them to dance/grind. All but one were politely rejected. Though, I guess in Maggie's case, it was an unheard rejection :/ We were wary of that guy for the rest of the night. Actually, we were kinda wary of all dancers haha. Just such intense freaking :P and making out as well. Ehhh yeaah haha.
I was pretty much done dancing by 0030. That was like the longest break from any kinda dancing I've ever taken. The dancing is fun, but the club scene just ain't my thang :P But that doesn't mean I'll never go clubbing again. Maybe just once in a long while. For birthdays or something, I dunno.
We left around 0130. Went to Denny's. I was in Ariane's car. We went to the Denny's that was a block away. Brian, Maggie, Autumn, and Elora went to a different one waayyy down the street because they don't know how to listen to directions XP So Ariane and I left a message on Autumn's phone, admonishing her for not turning left haha.
Denny's was good. I got a French Toast Slam, I think it's called. We all mainly wanted drinks though. Service was just blehh. I left like a two-dollar tip.
After the late-night meal, we decided it was time to go back to Autumn's. Brian went home. And yeah, I do give hugs, Brian. Or well, I try >_> Mm, I guess special people in my life get hugs from me at least. From time to time, strangers do too :P
Anyway, I was in Ariane's car again. Followed Autumn's Beluga. So slow haha. Got caught up with Ariane a bit. In terms of her love life and whatnot.
Back at Autumn's, the five of us just talked until 0630 in the morning. Sex and relationships, fun stuff :P Interestingly enough, the majority of our conversations yesterday and this morning revolved around this topic. I felt so left out for much of the conversation though :P But it's all good. I can't relate or anything, but at least I'm learning things? haha I didn't have to share much either XP
Though, I feel like I said too much >_> But of course, they're smart kids, so they figure shit out anyway or just assume. No more asking me about my love life, people. It is nonexistent. It will stay that way because that's just how my life goes. That's how my luck goes. Every single time. So much disappointment. I thought I'd stopped expecting anything, but something always gets me. And I figure some shit out too that should stop me, but I just keep going. No more, no more, no more. I hope. Ugh. Just grr.
Sometimes, I really wish there was an off switch.
My friends tried to convince me of one thing, but I'm totally convinced of the other. Besides, they don't know everything XP
Aaanyway, I learned so many new things. Fun stuffs. Good times. Yep.
Don't know what I'm gonna do now. Wish I'd brought my iPod :/ Maybe I'll just lie down and think. I've been doing that a lot anyway. Think, think, think. Not sure it's productive or progressive, but it's all I'm gonna do. All I feel like I can do.
Blaahhh. I suck when I'm like this. I wish I'd stop. Change focus. Or well, get focus.
And maaan, I wish I would say more. I feel terrible that my friends tell me a lot about their lives, but I don't really give them much about mine. Not the really important stuff, you know. And I'm sorry for that. I'm working on it though. It will be a process, a very slow one, but it will happen.
Egh, I think I've said too much in this entry. But I'm just getting my thoughts down somewhere...
Ooh, so I forgot to post two days ago about three dreams I had. But you know, I don't even remember them all that well anymore. Or I do, but details are fuzzy.
Dream 1: A girl kissed me.
Dream 2: Same girl kisses someone else. And I'm heartbroken.
Dream 3: It had to do with a car accident. Crasher sued crashee for damages and won D:
Don't think Dream 3 was related to the first two haha. But yeah, the first two dreams, how reminiscent of real life. In sooo many ways. Though, the third one is believable too. We live in a fucked-up world filled with fucked-up people..
Ahh, delete delete delete... >_> Ok, I should just stop before I put up shit I'm gonna regret sharing with you. Even though "you" really just includes Maggie haha. Hi, Maggie :P
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Only seven weeks left in the semester...
excluding finals week. I'm quite excited. Half the semester has already passed. So quick. Still have three midterms though. Social dance midterm is a week from today. My physics and AAS midterms are on consecutive days -_- Hm, I think this semester seems to pass by faster than my previous two have because I've made new friends, whom I actually talk to. And I attend some events :D So fun stuff. I'm happy.
Three more big American holidays before New Year's. Halloween (it's kinda big), Thanksgiving (pumpkin pie!! mmmm), Christmas.
What might be happening for the next two months:
Tuan's birthday is tomorrow. We'll possibly go watch Saw VI this weekend with Josh and Kevin. We'll see how that goes, if it goes.
Q&A hike might be this Sunday.
Dance midterm on Wednesday.
Brother's birthday next Thursday. He'll probably go out and party with his buddies. Hopefully, he won't get too drunk this time.
Hoping to attend a Halloween party or something >_> I just wanna do something. I don't wanna be home like I always am.
Class listings for Spring '10 come out on my birthday :O I can't believe I'm going to be 19 and still don't know what I'm doing in college XP Registration will probably start a few weeks after the list comes out.
A couple of November birthdays to remember. For sure, I know Maggie's :) What shall we do to celebrate? Clubbing? :D haha
Mm, physics midterm will be ok. AAS midterm, probably not.
Week of Thanksgiving. Furloughs. So I will have to show up for three days of the week for one class each day -__-
Thanksgiving. Family time. Probably gonna have roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and Pumpkin Pie! mmmm... Can't wait for pie. I make myself wait a whole year for pie haha.
Finals in December. Fun stuff. Then Winter break, yay!
Christmas. No presents. I don't get presents anymore. Though, Tony will probably force me to spend his money -_- Maybe there will be a Christmas party :D haha.
New Year's. Party? Yeah? Hope so. Don't wanna be home for New Year's. I'd just be going to bed early, since no one would be online. So party, there must be a party somewhere. Or a small get-together. I don't care. I just want out of the house for the new year. Like the start of this year. Except I won't drink so much, thus no puking XP Just fun times.
Please let this year end well.
Anyway, I don't know why, but lately I've been dreaming about boys. Like, I even had a dream about Taylor Lautner haha. Aye, I feel like Ayana XP Seriously though, I haven't dreamed about boys for over a year. You know, those certain dreams where you're flirting/pursuing/etc :P Balancing out my dreams about girls, hmm....
Haha I have to laugh when I think about my Taylor Lautner dream :P Such a fangirl dream.
I've also been having some crazy dreams. Like whoa. I have no idea what's going on in my head.
Three more big American holidays before New Year's. Halloween (it's kinda big), Thanksgiving (pumpkin pie!! mmmm), Christmas.
What might be happening for the next two months:
Tuan's birthday is tomorrow. We'll possibly go watch Saw VI this weekend with Josh and Kevin. We'll see how that goes, if it goes.
Q&A hike might be this Sunday.
Dance midterm on Wednesday.
Brother's birthday next Thursday. He'll probably go out and party with his buddies. Hopefully, he won't get too drunk this time.
Hoping to attend a Halloween party or something >_> I just wanna do something. I don't wanna be home like I always am.
Class listings for Spring '10 come out on my birthday :O I can't believe I'm going to be 19 and still don't know what I'm doing in college XP Registration will probably start a few weeks after the list comes out.
A couple of November birthdays to remember. For sure, I know Maggie's :) What shall we do to celebrate? Clubbing? :D haha
Mm, physics midterm will be ok. AAS midterm, probably not.
Week of Thanksgiving. Furloughs. So I will have to show up for three days of the week for one class each day -__-
Thanksgiving. Family time. Probably gonna have roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and Pumpkin Pie! mmmm... Can't wait for pie. I make myself wait a whole year for pie haha.
Finals in December. Fun stuff. Then Winter break, yay!
Christmas. No presents. I don't get presents anymore. Though, Tony will probably force me to spend his money -_- Maybe there will be a Christmas party :D haha.
New Year's. Party? Yeah? Hope so. Don't wanna be home for New Year's. I'd just be going to bed early, since no one would be online. So party, there must be a party somewhere. Or a small get-together. I don't care. I just want out of the house for the new year. Like the start of this year. Except I won't drink so much, thus no puking XP Just fun times.
Please let this year end well.
Anyway, I don't know why, but lately I've been dreaming about boys. Like, I even had a dream about Taylor Lautner haha. Aye, I feel like Ayana XP Seriously though, I haven't dreamed about boys for over a year. You know, those certain dreams where you're flirting/pursuing/etc :P Balancing out my dreams about girls, hmm....
Haha I have to laugh when I think about my Taylor Lautner dream :P Such a fangirl dream.
I've also been having some crazy dreams. Like whoa. I have no idea what's going on in my head.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Why couldn't I just let her have me?
So yesterday, the basics: Pool, Oakridge, Crawdaddy, Blockbuster, Le's house.
Went to Palmia with Kat, Le, Minh, Ariane, Andrew, and Randy. They swam, tanned. I dipped my feet in the pool. They killed a Nerf football. RIP. I joked, and everyone thought I was serious XP Am I that terrible at joking? Or am I just that damn good? haha Randy's foot fetish :P
After the swimming, I drove Kat and Randy to the mall. The others had places to go. We planned to meet at Le's by 1700. We did. Kiet was there too.
After meeting up, we went to Crawdaddy. Le, Kat, Randy, and I were the first ones there. The rest took a while. So we went into Hollywood Video and commented on every movie we recognized.
Mm, Crawdaddy. It was ok. Wasn't amazing. Most of the crawfish were pretty small. And a lot of them were soft. But the music selection of the place was awesome.
Kat, Le, and I determined that the waitress did not like Kat because Kat received less butter than Le haha.
Also, we all established that Randy doesn't know how to eat cleanly. But he became a master of eating crawfish, for he ended up instructing Andrew on the ettiquette of opening and eating crawfish.
After paying, we stood in front of the restaurant, trying to figure out what to do next. Eventually, it was decided that we would all meet at Blockbuster, choose a movie, and watch it at Le's house. Apparently, there was a miscommunication. Only Andrew showed up. Late.
We chose "He's Just Not That Into You." Le and I went back to her house, while Andrew, Kat, and Randy dealt with Blockbuster business haha.
At Le's, when we were all finally gathered, we watched the two-hour-long movie. It was ok, interesting. Soap-esque, I think. The camera style is different than that of typical American movies. The contrast is sharper. Much sharper. Made me feel like I was also watching a home video made with a high-quality camcorder, if such a thing ever existed haha.
Hmm, I recognized a lot of the actors. Oh, I so knew that it was Jennifer Connelly in the movie and not Demi Moore, despite how similar their faces are. Everyone else kept saying Demi Moore, Pssh, I soo could tell it wasn't her haha.
The ending of the movie, predictable, yeah? Ariane loved the ending. She even smacked my arm to get the point across. Just so cute, right? haha
Overall, the movie really was just ok for me. But I did enjoy Ginnifer Goodwin and Justin Long's performances. She was quirky, and he was suave (compared to many of his other roles).
Anyway, this morning, I had a long dream. Or two dreams. I'm not sure. I've forgotten most of them, but the weird parts stuck. I don't even remember which part happened first.
In one dream, I'm at SJSU in Sweeney Hall. I'm running down a long set of stairs similar to the Event Center's. My feet are paralyzed, but I still managed to run down, almost gliding at times. I feel fear, anxiety. Something's chasing me... And that's all I remember.
The other dream: There's some girl a little taller than me holding/hugging me from behind. We're in her room. I'm thinking, "Wtf is happening?" There are other girls in the room. Sorority sisters. I'm freaking out.
I fight for the door. Once we're outside the door, I turn around and say, "Let the fuck go of me, or I'll fuckin hurt you." She lets go. Then I look at her. She's blonde, attractive, intimidating.
I woke up. I don't fuckin' get it, but that dream scared me.
Went to Palmia with Kat, Le, Minh, Ariane, Andrew, and Randy. They swam, tanned. I dipped my feet in the pool. They killed a Nerf football. RIP. I joked, and everyone thought I was serious XP Am I that terrible at joking? Or am I just that damn good? haha Randy's foot fetish :P
After the swimming, I drove Kat and Randy to the mall. The others had places to go. We planned to meet at Le's by 1700. We did. Kiet was there too.
After meeting up, we went to Crawdaddy. Le, Kat, Randy, and I were the first ones there. The rest took a while. So we went into Hollywood Video and commented on every movie we recognized.
Mm, Crawdaddy. It was ok. Wasn't amazing. Most of the crawfish were pretty small. And a lot of them were soft. But the music selection of the place was awesome.
Kat, Le, and I determined that the waitress did not like Kat because Kat received less butter than Le haha.
Also, we all established that Randy doesn't know how to eat cleanly. But he became a master of eating crawfish, for he ended up instructing Andrew on the ettiquette of opening and eating crawfish.
After paying, we stood in front of the restaurant, trying to figure out what to do next. Eventually, it was decided that we would all meet at Blockbuster, choose a movie, and watch it at Le's house. Apparently, there was a miscommunication. Only Andrew showed up. Late.
We chose "He's Just Not That Into You." Le and I went back to her house, while Andrew, Kat, and Randy dealt with Blockbuster business haha.
At Le's, when we were all finally gathered, we watched the two-hour-long movie. It was ok, interesting. Soap-esque, I think. The camera style is different than that of typical American movies. The contrast is sharper. Much sharper. Made me feel like I was also watching a home video made with a high-quality camcorder, if such a thing ever existed haha.
Hmm, I recognized a lot of the actors. Oh, I so knew that it was Jennifer Connelly in the movie and not Demi Moore, despite how similar their faces are. Everyone else kept saying Demi Moore, Pssh, I soo could tell it wasn't her haha.
The ending of the movie, predictable, yeah? Ariane loved the ending. She even smacked my arm to get the point across. Just so cute, right? haha
Overall, the movie really was just ok for me. But I did enjoy Ginnifer Goodwin and Justin Long's performances. She was quirky, and he was suave (compared to many of his other roles).
Anyway, this morning, I had a long dream. Or two dreams. I'm not sure. I've forgotten most of them, but the weird parts stuck. I don't even remember which part happened first.
In one dream, I'm at SJSU in Sweeney Hall. I'm running down a long set of stairs similar to the Event Center's. My feet are paralyzed, but I still managed to run down, almost gliding at times. I feel fear, anxiety. Something's chasing me... And that's all I remember.
The other dream: There's some girl a little taller than me holding/hugging me from behind. We're in her room. I'm thinking, "Wtf is happening?" There are other girls in the room. Sorority sisters. I'm freaking out.
I fight for the door. Once we're outside the door, I turn around and say, "Let the fuck go of me, or I'll fuckin hurt you." She lets go. Then I look at her. She's blonde, attractive, intimidating.
I woke up. I don't fuckin' get it, but that dream scared me.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Autumn's new house...
It's been two weeks since I had last seen any friends. Today, I finally hung out with Autumn and Maggie.
Chilled at Maggie's for a while, waiting for her stepdad to come home. Then I drove Maggie and Autumn to the mall.
My mission: get a new baseball cap.
Checked out Journey. I didn't really like any of their hats, though Maggie and Autumn liked the fedora look on me. Apparently fits my style haha. Mm, maybe some other time. I didn't buy anything there. Instead, they each bought a pair of shoes. Maggie bought a pair of Harajukus, I think. Autumn bought a pair of Rocket Dogs. After she said she wouldn't haha.
Went to Tilly's. Checked out the baseball caps. Nice stuff. I eventually bought a Fox cap. Actually looks pretty sweet.
I think this was one of the very few times any of my friends have ever seen me purchase any kind of apparel/accessory/etc.
Afterward, we walked around a little bit more. Ended up at the T-Mobile booth because Maggie is gonna get a phone upgrade. Ended up in Victoria's Secret just minutes later. Then Charlotte Russe.
Then finally, we were on our way out of the mall haha. Drove to CD Aquarium to see if there were any turtles for sale. Nope. No more. Not legal haha. Gotta find some other vendor.
Went to Autumn's new house downtown. Pretty frickin' nice place for a downtown space. Got a short tour of her house. Ate some of Autumn's homemade foods :P Tasty stuff. We, plus Roman, played a few of those small group games, like The Right Party, Artist, and The Stick Game. I think that's what they were called. I figured out the first one. The last two, I was completely clueless haha. I'm more likely to figure out the word games than the visual ones XP
Anyway, they finished watching Step Brothers. I had already watched it. For a comedy, its gag reel sucked. Very disappointing.
Looked at some of Autumn and Roman's family album. Fun stuff.
Went downstairs to Autumn's room to look at the SCV chair listing. Not updated. Watched YouTube videos.
Then Maggie's parents came to pick her up, and I drove Autumn back to Maggie's so that she could get her van.
And yeah, that was my fun day ^_^
Next time, we should have a sleepover haha. The last sleepover I went to was Autumn's 16th or 17th birthday party, I don't remember exactly haha.
Hmm, so lately I've been dreaming a lot. I think it might be because I keep waking up. REM sleep apparently happening more often. I can't recall my dreams anymore, but I remember thinking some of them were too violent, too freaky, or just damn strange in an emotional way. I'm gonna try to remember my dreams and update about them. I haven't been able to keep a dream in my memory for more than an hour for a long while now.
Resolutions. Hmm. Haha. My ability to fulfill resolutions gradually diminishes as the year goes on. I only have six left that I may or may not attempt. If I could remember which ones they were, I'd put them here for you to see :P But I don't and they're in my wallet. Next year, I'll keep my list short and more practical/probable haha.
And I wish textbooks weren't so expensive. I only need textbooks for three classes next semester, and the total cost is still in the hundreds. Ordered my Asian American Studies and Physics books from the school bookstore because they happen to be cheapest compared to local bookstores and even Amazon. The book I need for my Philosophy class, I found on Craigslist. Amazon sells used copies for about $45 (plus tax and shipping/handling), while the guy on Craigslist is selling his for $30.50. Good deal, yeah? Hopefully so.
Man, I spent like half an hour this morning posting all my textbooks on Craigslist. I hope I can sell them on there. If I don't sell them by the first of August, I'm just gonna drive them all to Robert's Bookstore and see if I get a good deal there for them. I need to sell my books earlier next time haha. This is pretty late. Not sure I'll get any good prices, but we'll see. Need to get back some money. Tuition going up by about $600-700 for CSU undergrads, financial aid not going up that much. But eh, I feel worse for people who don't receive FA :/
Mm, I think that's all I want to say for now. Just wanted to put something up since it's been more than two weeks since my last entry.
Chilled at Maggie's for a while, waiting for her stepdad to come home. Then I drove Maggie and Autumn to the mall.
My mission: get a new baseball cap.
Checked out Journey. I didn't really like any of their hats, though Maggie and Autumn liked the fedora look on me. Apparently fits my style haha. Mm, maybe some other time. I didn't buy anything there. Instead, they each bought a pair of shoes. Maggie bought a pair of Harajukus, I think. Autumn bought a pair of Rocket Dogs. After she said she wouldn't haha.
Went to Tilly's. Checked out the baseball caps. Nice stuff. I eventually bought a Fox cap. Actually looks pretty sweet.
I think this was one of the very few times any of my friends have ever seen me purchase any kind of apparel/accessory/etc.
Afterward, we walked around a little bit more. Ended up at the T-Mobile booth because Maggie is gonna get a phone upgrade. Ended up in Victoria's Secret just minutes later. Then Charlotte Russe.
Then finally, we were on our way out of the mall haha. Drove to CD Aquarium to see if there were any turtles for sale. Nope. No more. Not legal haha. Gotta find some other vendor.
Went to Autumn's new house downtown. Pretty frickin' nice place for a downtown space. Got a short tour of her house. Ate some of Autumn's homemade foods :P Tasty stuff. We, plus Roman, played a few of those small group games, like The Right Party, Artist, and The Stick Game. I think that's what they were called. I figured out the first one. The last two, I was completely clueless haha. I'm more likely to figure out the word games than the visual ones XP
Anyway, they finished watching Step Brothers. I had already watched it. For a comedy, its gag reel sucked. Very disappointing.
Looked at some of Autumn and Roman's family album. Fun stuff.
Went downstairs to Autumn's room to look at the SCV chair listing. Not updated. Watched YouTube videos.
Then Maggie's parents came to pick her up, and I drove Autumn back to Maggie's so that she could get her van.
And yeah, that was my fun day ^_^
Next time, we should have a sleepover haha. The last sleepover I went to was Autumn's 16th or 17th birthday party, I don't remember exactly haha.
Hmm, so lately I've been dreaming a lot. I think it might be because I keep waking up. REM sleep apparently happening more often. I can't recall my dreams anymore, but I remember thinking some of them were too violent, too freaky, or just damn strange in an emotional way. I'm gonna try to remember my dreams and update about them. I haven't been able to keep a dream in my memory for more than an hour for a long while now.
Resolutions. Hmm. Haha. My ability to fulfill resolutions gradually diminishes as the year goes on. I only have six left that I may or may not attempt. If I could remember which ones they were, I'd put them here for you to see :P But I don't and they're in my wallet. Next year, I'll keep my list short and more practical/probable haha.
And I wish textbooks weren't so expensive. I only need textbooks for three classes next semester, and the total cost is still in the hundreds. Ordered my Asian American Studies and Physics books from the school bookstore because they happen to be cheapest compared to local bookstores and even Amazon. The book I need for my Philosophy class, I found on Craigslist. Amazon sells used copies for about $45 (plus tax and shipping/handling), while the guy on Craigslist is selling his for $30.50. Good deal, yeah? Hopefully so.
Man, I spent like half an hour this morning posting all my textbooks on Craigslist. I hope I can sell them on there. If I don't sell them by the first of August, I'm just gonna drive them all to Robert's Bookstore and see if I get a good deal there for them. I need to sell my books earlier next time haha. This is pretty late. Not sure I'll get any good prices, but we'll see. Need to get back some money. Tuition going up by about $600-700 for CSU undergrads, financial aid not going up that much. But eh, I feel worse for people who don't receive FA :/
Mm, I think that's all I want to say for now. Just wanted to put something up since it's been more than two weeks since my last entry.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Why am I still thinking about her?
Again, I forgot something. Darn my memory -_-
So, this morning, I had a dream that I actually remember.
I dreamed about a girl. I haven't seen her since I visited ST back in January. I miss talking to her :/ I've tried to call her a few times since, but her phone's always off. I haven't gotten any calls back nor any replies to my texts.
I think I used to like her when I was still a senior at ST. I say "I think" because I wasn't sure if I wanted to like her (it gets troubling to like girls who only ever talk about guys). I think she might have liked me. She might've told me. But then she changed her mind. I remember she had "something important" to tell me once. I waited. But she never said anything. When I asked her about it the next day, she chuckled and said she couldn't remember. I doubted it. It's hard to forget when you have something important to say. But I didn't push it. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have said I liked her.
Anyway, I've remembered her from time to time over the past 9 months. I didn't think about liking her. I just thought about her. I miss talking to her, listening to her. But I don't think anything's ever gonna happen there. I can't even get in touch with her.
I haven't been thinking about her lately, but the dream made me think of her again. She likes a guy I know. Well, that's what she told me. I know who he is. I wonder...
Back to the dream. It was short. I meet her somewhere. She seems happy to see me and gives me a hug. I can't stop smiling at her. I ask her about why I haven't been able to reach her. She says that her phone is broken and she's been thinking about me and feeling sorry about not reaching me. She misses me. My heart does a little dance, and I just keep smiling, saying it's ok, we'll keep in touch better now.
That's all there is to the dream. What I remember most is how she looked in the dream. Sweet, happy, and just so damn cute haha.
I have no idea why I dreamed about her. I haven't been thinking about her. Or have I? Mm.
Damn. I need to obsess about someone I actually talk to more often. Why am I thinking about someone I don't even see anymore? :/ Letting-go issues, must be.
Now, I'm thinking about every person I had a serious interest in. Only 4 or 5 people. I debate the seriousness of my past interests a lot. 4 girls, 1 boy. Haha. There's no one for me to like right now, so I can only think back to the past. What fun.
Thinking about these kinda things just makes me feel so alone. I keep feeling so alone. Gahh.. I need to stop thinking. Or to start pursuing someone hahaha. Make this into a game. No, I wouldn't do that. But I don't know what or who to think about. The stuff I think about now are too disheartening. I hate thinking about the future. I want to think about someone.
Who??
Haha this reminds me of my first couple of entries on LJ. Wondering who will be "the one." Still waiting for my firsts and all. I'm still patient, maybe complaining about my chances a little more than I used to. I just don't want to feel so...
Empty and alone.
So, this morning, I had a dream that I actually remember.
I dreamed about a girl. I haven't seen her since I visited ST back in January. I miss talking to her :/ I've tried to call her a few times since, but her phone's always off. I haven't gotten any calls back nor any replies to my texts.
I think I used to like her when I was still a senior at ST. I say "I think" because I wasn't sure if I wanted to like her (it gets troubling to like girls who only ever talk about guys). I think she might have liked me. She might've told me. But then she changed her mind. I remember she had "something important" to tell me once. I waited. But she never said anything. When I asked her about it the next day, she chuckled and said she couldn't remember. I doubted it. It's hard to forget when you have something important to say. But I didn't push it. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have said I liked her.
Anyway, I've remembered her from time to time over the past 9 months. I didn't think about liking her. I just thought about her. I miss talking to her, listening to her. But I don't think anything's ever gonna happen there. I can't even get in touch with her.
I haven't been thinking about her lately, but the dream made me think of her again. She likes a guy I know. Well, that's what she told me. I know who he is. I wonder...
Back to the dream. It was short. I meet her somewhere. She seems happy to see me and gives me a hug. I can't stop smiling at her. I ask her about why I haven't been able to reach her. She says that her phone is broken and she's been thinking about me and feeling sorry about not reaching me. She misses me. My heart does a little dance, and I just keep smiling, saying it's ok, we'll keep in touch better now.
That's all there is to the dream. What I remember most is how she looked in the dream. Sweet, happy, and just so damn cute haha.
I have no idea why I dreamed about her. I haven't been thinking about her. Or have I? Mm.
Damn. I need to obsess about someone I actually talk to more often. Why am I thinking about someone I don't even see anymore? :/ Letting-go issues, must be.
Now, I'm thinking about every person I had a serious interest in. Only 4 or 5 people. I debate the seriousness of my past interests a lot. 4 girls, 1 boy. Haha. There's no one for me to like right now, so I can only think back to the past. What fun.
Thinking about these kinda things just makes me feel so alone. I keep feeling so alone. Gahh.. I need to stop thinking. Or to start pursuing someone hahaha. Make this into a game. No, I wouldn't do that. But I don't know what or who to think about. The stuff I think about now are too disheartening. I hate thinking about the future. I want to think about someone.
Who??
Haha this reminds me of my first couple of entries on LJ. Wondering who will be "the one." Still waiting for my firsts and all. I'm still patient, maybe complaining about my chances a little more than I used to. I just don't want to feel so...
Empty and alone.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Don't steal my car!
No, no one stole my car. I don't have a car.
I had a dream this morning, though, about my mom's car. Hmm.
So in my dream, I'm at home (a mix of my current house and my previous house). Current front door with my long chair near it. Outside the house is the railing and the steps. Also, the mailbox is on the wrong side of the property. Yeah, anyway, so my mom is getting the mail. Her car is parked in front of the mailbox, the driver side door is open, and the engine is still running. She doesn't seem to notice.
Some dark-haired lady walks toward the car and gets inside. I'm freaking out at the top of the steps. I'm thinking she's going to steal the car. Instead, she starts to rummage through the compartments for stuff. She's taking pens and papers. I try to yell to my mom about the lady in the car, but my voice doesn't come. I lost my voice. So I stand there, trying to get the words out and pointing and waving at the car to get my mom's attention.
Finally, she sees me. Then she turns around and sees the lady. She starts yelling at the woman to get out of the car. The lady gets out, walks around the car, and starts attacking my mom. They fight. I freak out some more, run back into the house to grab my cell phone, and run down the steps to help my mom. I mean, c'mon, that was clearly an unprovoked attack :P
As I'm coming down the steps, out of nowhere, the lady's daughter jumps in and hits my mom as well. She's not doing as much damage as her mom though. So when I get there, I tackle the lady. Somehow we end up under the car, which strangely has become a really high truck. I can sit up underneath.
I'm still on top of the lady, and I just start pounding on her because I am pissed. After several punches, she stops moving, but I don't get out from underneath to help my mom. I figure she's ok. So I try to call the police with the cell phone that's still intact. I keep on dialing the wrong number though. First, I type in "9311." Second, I type in "953311." What the hell am I doing? I finally get it right on the third try. 911.
It's an automated call system. Like the ones you get when you call customer service for the big companies. And it just gets so frustrating that I hang up and get up.
Next thing I know, I'm sitting with my mom inside the house, laughing about what happened. My mom says, "It's a good thing you were waving and pointing because I wouldn't have known that woman was there."
And, you know, at this point, I know it's a dream. I mean, my mom would never laugh about this kind of stuff. I would know. We've dealt with similar incidents before. Never laughed. They're still holding grudges. Anyway, I'm thinking, "Crap. This is a dream." Then I woke up.
Hmm, I wonder what this dream means. Violent, wasn't it? There was some blood, but not too much. I think I might have killed the lady in my dream :O Huh.
Mm well, I finally remembered a dream. Lately, I've been having "longer" dreams. I remember them for a few minutes, and then they're just gone from memory. And I'm left with nothing but a strange, nostalgic-like feeling.
Anyway, I have plenty of homework to try to catch up on this weekend. Wonderful. I just hope I can get at least half. It would be great.
I had a dream this morning, though, about my mom's car. Hmm.
So in my dream, I'm at home (a mix of my current house and my previous house). Current front door with my long chair near it. Outside the house is the railing and the steps. Also, the mailbox is on the wrong side of the property. Yeah, anyway, so my mom is getting the mail. Her car is parked in front of the mailbox, the driver side door is open, and the engine is still running. She doesn't seem to notice.
Some dark-haired lady walks toward the car and gets inside. I'm freaking out at the top of the steps. I'm thinking she's going to steal the car. Instead, she starts to rummage through the compartments for stuff. She's taking pens and papers. I try to yell to my mom about the lady in the car, but my voice doesn't come. I lost my voice. So I stand there, trying to get the words out and pointing and waving at the car to get my mom's attention.
Finally, she sees me. Then she turns around and sees the lady. She starts yelling at the woman to get out of the car. The lady gets out, walks around the car, and starts attacking my mom. They fight. I freak out some more, run back into the house to grab my cell phone, and run down the steps to help my mom. I mean, c'mon, that was clearly an unprovoked attack :P
As I'm coming down the steps, out of nowhere, the lady's daughter jumps in and hits my mom as well. She's not doing as much damage as her mom though. So when I get there, I tackle the lady. Somehow we end up under the car, which strangely has become a really high truck. I can sit up underneath.
I'm still on top of the lady, and I just start pounding on her because I am pissed. After several punches, she stops moving, but I don't get out from underneath to help my mom. I figure she's ok. So I try to call the police with the cell phone that's still intact. I keep on dialing the wrong number though. First, I type in "9311." Second, I type in "953311." What the hell am I doing? I finally get it right on the third try. 911.
It's an automated call system. Like the ones you get when you call customer service for the big companies. And it just gets so frustrating that I hang up and get up.
Next thing I know, I'm sitting with my mom inside the house, laughing about what happened. My mom says, "It's a good thing you were waving and pointing because I wouldn't have known that woman was there."
And, you know, at this point, I know it's a dream. I mean, my mom would never laugh about this kind of stuff. I would know. We've dealt with similar incidents before. Never laughed. They're still holding grudges. Anyway, I'm thinking, "Crap. This is a dream." Then I woke up.
Hmm, I wonder what this dream means. Violent, wasn't it? There was some blood, but not too much. I think I might have killed the lady in my dream :O Huh.
Mm well, I finally remembered a dream. Lately, I've been having "longer" dreams. I remember them for a few minutes, and then they're just gone from memory. And I'm left with nothing but a strange, nostalgic-like feeling.
Anyway, I have plenty of homework to try to catch up on this weekend. Wonderful. I just hope I can get at least half. It would be great.
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