Sad dreams?

I didn't sleep very well this morning. Kept waking up again. But I had two long dreams this morning. I woke up and laid there, trying to remember them. I think I've forgotten most of them. I remember bits from the first and a vague feeling from the second.

Just so you know, sometimes I give lame, generic nicknames (at least in my head) because I don't remember actual names. Or maybe I just don't feel like mentioning actual names because I'm too embarrassed or something. Sometimes, I'm not really sure.


Dream 1: The same people from last night at the same hotel. We pretty much do all the same things we did last night there. Play piano, watch the ice skaters, Ariel steals a small plate. Only difference from last night is we all run to the elevator when we leave.

(There were "transition scenes," but I don't remember them.) Maggie, Ariane, and I are in the backseat of someone's car. Ariane is talking to Tim (her fellow dancer) on the phone, telling him to meet her in front of "J Lube" (Jiffy Lube, if you didn't get that). And Ariane keeps suddenly switching seats between the backseat, the driver's, and the passenger's. Maggie and I stay in the back. Tim shows up to give Ariane her stuff that she forgot to take with her. They talk for a while. Then I think Tim gets in the backseat next to Maggie and me.

Then Ariane's gone. Now, the dreams just focused in the backseat of the car. There are five of us sitting, comfortably packed in the back. In order from left to right: Maggie, a girl (I'll call her Some1), me, Tim (who later becomes another guy), a guy. Maggie and I know the three.

Some1 is talking about another girl, who's got life too easy. People are always doing things for her. She never has to try. Tim tries to defend the other girl, but Some1 won't listen. This is when Tim becomes someone else.

Then Some1 talks about her best guy friend (Obsessive Guy, or OG for short :P), who in reality is a friend of mine who works at SJSU and is like almost 30 haha. Anyway, he won't talk to Some1 anymore. Why? Because he's obsessed with the other girl that Some1 is talking about. Then there was something about OG going to Kansas in a month (in dream world, I thought, "Why is he going to Kansas? He doesn't seem like the type to go to Kansas."). The two guys in the car are trying to defend OG, but Some1 won't listen. They try to say that she should move on. Still won't listen. Maggie agrees with the guys. Still won't listen. Some1 looks at me, as if she's expecting my input as well. I stay silent.

There are actually many times during her little monologue when she looks at me, waiting for some kind of reaction or something. I dunno. But I never react. I just sit and listen, absorbing the sadness, the anger, and something else (I dunno what though).

I'm kinda surprised by this dream. I mean, I know I'm pretty quiet in real life, but I usually say something in my dreams. I've never "willingly" been silent in a dream. I never did so much thinking within a dream. Like, I heard my voice, but it was always in my head, not out loud.

Anyway, Some1 keeps going on about the girl and OG. Keeps looking at me. The other three keep trying to calm her down, persuade her to think differently, but she won't listen. I sit there, thinking, "Why aren't you listening to them? You know they're right." Why don't I say this out loud? I don't know.

After a while, we're all quiet. The guys say they want to sleep. Suddenly, we're all lying down comfortably, side by side, in the backseat. I think the seat turned into a bed. With blankets. All but Some1 and I fall asleep. My left arm is touching Some1's right arm. I lift my arm up and put it over my face. My right hand on my stomach. I'm in the dark, but I can still feel everything around me.

Some1 talks to me. Directly. Looks at me directly. She wants to know why I'm so quiet. I don't move, don't say a word. "Why didn't you say what you were thinking? Why didn't you agree with them? Why didn't you even nod or shake your head? You just sat there, listening." Silence. The one-sided conversation continues for a bit.

Then she lies back down on her side, facing me. I think, "Because I don't want to... Because you don't need me to... Because this is just scary different..." (I don't know what I meant by any of that, but of course I knew in dream world.)

We're laying there for a while. No words. Weird feelings, on my part. Then Some1 asks, "Do you want me to hold you?" No reply. She asks again. Still no reply. What am I thinking? "I don't... want this." She turns me slightly onto my right side and puts her arms around me, rests her head on the back of my neck. The other three have disappeared without my noticing.

What do I think? "I don't want you to hold me..." But I don't move. "I want to hold you..." Still no movement. "Ahh, but this is... nice." I start to feel... different? I don't really know the word.


Then I woke up. At 0645. With my arms over my face and tears streaming out of my eyes. I don't know why I was crying when I woke up. Why was I crying in my sleep? This cannot be good.

I spent an hour, thinking about the dream. Not sure what I accomplished with that.

Then I fell asleep again. Had my second dream. But I don't really remember much from it.


Dream 2: There were naked people in my dream haha. In a shared bathroom. One of those naked dreams. At least I wasn't alone and I still had my pants on haha. Though, I was trying to cover up with a towel. Nighttime. Someone was following me. Some big guy. He scared me. He really scared me. He almost caught me in a room in a confusing building, in which I don't know how I got to that room. Just a lot of walking, turning, and looking back. I tried to ask people to help get rid of this guy. But people just laughed, said I was paranoid, said I shouldn't be so scared of a stranger. They laughed. Then they were all wearing clothes. I was still shirtless. Then he caught me. With all those people around, laughing.

I blink. I was somewhere else. With Mother. She was holding onto my arms. Shaking me? She was angry. Yelling. "You were caught!"

This second dream is really vague, but I have the feeling that I was fighting with both Mother and the stranger. They were both after me. I ran away from both.


I woke up crying from this one too. I don't know why my dreams are making me cry. I hate this. It's just about as bad as not knowing what happened in a dream that made me cry. This happened a few days ago or yesterday. Don't remember. I don't like that. Sleeping and crying, waking up not knowing. Or sleeping and crying, waking to know what but not why.


Not a good start to my day. Not that there was a start anyway. I got maybe five hours of very interrupted sleep.


Anyway, I should stay home for a few days, maybe a week. I heard Mother yelling at Brother this morning. I don't think going out will help. So much for no anger today. She's already angry. At me. My fault, I know. And I mean, that "angry at one, angry at all" thing. She's mad at me, but she took it out on Brother because he was awake. Though, she was angry at him for the same reason she's mad at him in the mornings. He wakes up too late and then complains about being late to work, as if it's not his fault. That's understandable anger on Mother's part. But she doesn't need to say the stuff she says. Stuff that has nothing to do with Brother's lateness. Stuff that we don't need to hear, especially on Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be joyful, at least bearable.

Mm.. if you listen to one of these diatribes of hers, you might think they're not that bad. They probably aren't. I'm just weak, and I can't take any of the things she says. I'm probably blowing them out of proportion. I just don't like having to listen to them over and over again.

Ahh, I don't know what I'm gonna do today. Maybe read. Nothing else to do, except go on the computer. But I don't really want to. I need a fuckin' hobby. I need to occupy my time better. More productivity, distractions; less thinking, wasting time, bullshit.

Oh, I'll work on my list of resolutions. I'll try to put the official list up tonight or tomorrow.


Hope all is well.