Do you feel lonely now?

I'm leaving. She wraps her arms around me. Did she just fall into my arms? It feels nice. I hug her back. Why isn't she letting me go? I ask. She tilts her head against my neck.

She says, "Because you're warm and I like being in your arms." I blush. "Oh, you're so cute when you're embarrassed." >_<

She's still holding me. I say, "I'm not that warm." I try to move away.

"Yes, you are." She clings onto me.

"No, I'm not. You're lying." I let my embrace weaken. She has to be lying. I let my arms drop to my side, but still she holds me. "Why are you hugging me so much?"

Silent. Still standing. Still won't let me go. She hugs me more tightly.

I ask, "Why are you here?" I try to push her away. Why won't she get away from me?

"Because I'm sad and you're lonely. My sadness will negate your loneliness." That doesn't make any sense.

I don't know what to say. Then... "I'm supposed to be alone."

"No, you're not. You can't be lonely around me. I'm supposed to make you happy. Do you feel lonely now?"



Hmm, I didn't know hugs could last through a whole dream. I wonder who the girl was. At the least, I know we were at her place. And chyeah, even in my dreams, I blush and am complimented for it XP And I feel like there was a part in the dream where she asked me why I was trying to run away from her. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure how I feel about this dream. I don't remember ever having a dream in which the conversation seems logical. Nor having a dream in which there's not much movement.


I had to get up early this morning. I've been getting up early this entire weekend, hm. Showered, ate, and thought.

Thinking about daydreams. I daydream a lot. Much more than I want to. Sometimes, my dreams feel like daydreams, and I get confused, trying figure out which they really are.

And my daydreams make me sad. More so than before I start daydreaming. Why? Because, in the end, I have to remember that life doesn't work out how I want it to. Life isn't idealistic. People are. Or I am. I expect to be happy; I end up being sad. I expect to have fun; I end up not enjoying much. Just many expectations that aren't met. In some way, it's my fault -_- Too many expectations, not enough effort. Blah.


Mm, yeah, anyway, tired. Don't know what to do. Hmm.

Confiding dreams?

For a long time, I've had a recurring dream, which became a recurring daydream. I don't have the dream as often as before, but it still comes to me from time to time. It's more of a daydream now though. I just don't know if it's a good or bad one.

I have a friend to whom I tell everything. Everything. Every action, every emotion, every detail. Everything. I can never see this friend's face. It's always blurred, like in the cop shows. Sometimes, I remember what I say in the dream. Sometimes, I just have the dream feeling that I said a lot or too much. Sometimes, the friend stays. Other times, the friend leaves :/

In my daydream, the friend has no face either. I don't know whose face I could use. I say a lot of things that no one knows. Sometimes, stuff that even I didn't know I knew.

The idea intrigues me, scares me, worries me. Only in my world would I divulge such thoughts. Only there would the words flow so easily. Only there...

I never finish my daydream. I don't know why.


Anyway, I feel like I've been prepping myself for disappointment. Disappointment in what, I do not know. But disappointment nonetheless. I've been continually disappointed. By what? Again, I do not know. But I just have that feeling.. It's like I'm expecting too much, and I know I won't get what I expect. Yet, I'm still expecting it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not explaining it completely; I don't really know how I could. It's just a feeling.

This morning, I woke up at 0630 as usual, but I didn't get up. I laid there for almost six hours, just thinking. I wish I would stop thinking. But I don't know how to make it stop. Or I feel like I know how, but I just can't do it. I'm not letting myself not think. It's like I want to feel this way.

Makes me think of the lyric: "Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity." Mm...

I miss apathy. I don't know how to go back to apathy. It was good then. I don't know how it is now.


Ooh, I'm pretty much caught up with "House" (except this week's ep) and "Heroes" (: Distractions. Not really good ones, but good enough. I need better distractions. Whatever happened to people confiding in me? Those were good distractions. I had focus then. I'm glad a few people still talk to me about important things, personal things. I just wish more people would; more distractions from myself.

Too much alone time now. Leaves too much time for me to contemplate.


Ahhh ok. No more, no more. No more of this. Happy happy happy. Or at least happier. I don't wanna bring you down. Though, I probably did. Sorry. Just letting out some of the thinking. Not much, but enough -nods-


Two more days of class. Then two days of finals. Then done! Can't wait... Maybe things will be better then. Maybe. Hmm...

Delusional, indeed...

A few things to mention in this entry...


First, today in Poli Sci, we learned about deceptive statistics. I believe I've already explained how I felt about statistics. Anyway, we did a little probability test with quarters. Yeah, the coin toss thing. Tossed 100 times. My group of 3 tossed 52 tails and 48 heads.

You know the first thing I thought when I saw that? Guess. Haha. I thought, "Wow. Those numbers look very familiar. Why?" Then a little later, I remembered: Prop 8 results. Yeah, I know, a common coincidence.

Mm, I don't remember where I was gonna go with that bit. Was supposed to lead to "We don't know what we don't know. We only know what we might know." But I don't think I can explain that well enough. Oh well.


In English, I had a group presentation about global revisions. Fun stuff. Anyway, after the presentation, Prof Williams talked about using "one" as a pronoun in academic writing. It used to be overused. Now, we see it less and less in contemporary writing. I like "one," but I agree too much of it is tiring.

When I see the pronoun, I immediately imagine an old man with an English accent and a long nose speaking to me. He speaks with his nose pointing upward as if looking at me would make him sneeze or something. Pretentious. Indeed.


Obsession. Makes me think of the Frankie J song. "Amor, no es amor..." I can obsess easily, but I can put some things out of mind just as easily. I used to obsess about crushes. But I haven't liked anyone since high school, which ended only 9 months ago. But it's been 9 lonely, quiet months. I sometimes don't know what to think about if not people. But people disappoint me. I want an idealized person to think about. And what is better than an infatuation to occupy my thoughts?

I sadden myself sometimes. I feel so alone when I think about people I can't have, but I might feel worse if I don't think of them at all. But then I'm ok. I've been alone for over 18 years. I've gotten used to it, but I feel like the comfort of not knowing is slipping.

I just want to have someone to think about. I want to be delusional sometimes. Hmm, delusional, what a thought.


PDA. I've come across people who shudder at the thought of gay couples kissing. Weird, queer, uncomfortable. At first, I thought they were just idiots (for I think all people are idiots). Now that I think about it, however, I agree. PDA is weird. PDA of any kind. I thought I was comfortable with it, and I am. From a distance. I blame movies. Movies make PDA seem so sweet and passionate. It's touching, moving. You'd think it could be the same in real life. But we have to take the context into consideration.

If I see a people kiss on screen, it's like "Whatever, they're kissing. Big whoop." But in real life, it's different. For me, anyway. If I see people kissing from at least 10 feet away, I'm still nonchalant about it. But when a couple is kissing in front of me (within 4 or 5 feet) and there's nowhere else for me to go or nothing to block my view, I feel awkward. It's like "Do I keep looking straightahead or do I look away? What the hell am I supposed to do?" No one's looking at me, but I still can't help but feel self-conscious. If I keep looking, I feel like a gawker. If I look away, I'm too shy for my own good. But it's respectful, isn't it?

Anyway, if I know the couple, then it's a little better but not by much. But I think it's worst when I'm a third wheel. Ugh, I hate being the third wheel with a couple. That's happened to me a few times, and I felt so uncomfortable all those times. Why must I be so nice and say yes?? Aiyah... Luckily, that hasn't happened to me lately. Third wheel, tch. I'm too nice a friend. I don't even know why those couples invited me along. Whyy? To make me uncomfortable?

Ok, tangent ending. PDA, not always a comfortable situation. But that shouldn't stop people from showing PDA. Ultimately, I don't care and sometimes think it's sweet, cute, or whatever. I think it's just me. I'm not around people enough to be used to all these strange public customs or anything.


I don't daydream as much as I used to. I don't think as much as I used to. Or do I and don't notice? Hmm. I need to pay attention more. Lately, I've been imagining myself as a popular kid. Making friends wherever I go. And keeping them.

It seems I don't keep my friends well anymore if at all. I'm not sure I know how to speak to them at times. I can only grin and nod. Grin and nod. What I always do. Making new friends is difficult. Has always been. I always waited for others to speak to me. Then I started speaking to other people on my own, but not often. I should. I should just try. I've been successful with that. I still talk to some of those people. But I think I fear people more and more every day. I think about how we live now, and I can never be sure how to react to the people I imagine are around me now. I feel like I can get along with almost anyone, but only an open person does that. I know I'm not open.

I'm friendly, not open. I'm not a private person, but I'm not open. Why? My friends are very open for the most part. You would think that they would have rubbed off on me. Perhaps they have, and I haven't noticed. Or I've regressed. I always regress. In school, in life. Why?

Back to daydreams: I've been thinking about life without my family. Independent, confident, impressive, skilled, versatile, eloquent, knowledgeable, and more. Qualities I want to have but won't give to myself now. I'll only think about what I would be if I used courage. I know my family isn't holding me back. I am. But I don't always want to blame me. It's better to just imagine a closer-to-perfect world. People like me. I do more and try harder (or try less and still be great). I love. I embrace my flaws. I embrace... people. I miss young life when none of this mattered much. I've grown to feel inadequate. I let myself feel this way, I know. I haven't tried hard enough to do better.

Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost.


I need to stop procrastinating. I've got a lot of homework to do this weekend. Essays, arguments. I'm going to be up late on Sunday night. I'm sure of it. Ahh, I should do better. After Spring Break. Maybe.


I wish I could remember my dreams. I've been forgetting them too easily.