Delusional, indeed...

A few things to mention in this entry...


First, today in Poli Sci, we learned about deceptive statistics. I believe I've already explained how I felt about statistics. Anyway, we did a little probability test with quarters. Yeah, the coin toss thing. Tossed 100 times. My group of 3 tossed 52 tails and 48 heads.

You know the first thing I thought when I saw that? Guess. Haha. I thought, "Wow. Those numbers look very familiar. Why?" Then a little later, I remembered: Prop 8 results. Yeah, I know, a common coincidence.

Mm, I don't remember where I was gonna go with that bit. Was supposed to lead to "We don't know what we don't know. We only know what we might know." But I don't think I can explain that well enough. Oh well.


In English, I had a group presentation about global revisions. Fun stuff. Anyway, after the presentation, Prof Williams talked about using "one" as a pronoun in academic writing. It used to be overused. Now, we see it less and less in contemporary writing. I like "one," but I agree too much of it is tiring.

When I see the pronoun, I immediately imagine an old man with an English accent and a long nose speaking to me. He speaks with his nose pointing upward as if looking at me would make him sneeze or something. Pretentious. Indeed.


Obsession. Makes me think of the Frankie J song. "Amor, no es amor..." I can obsess easily, but I can put some things out of mind just as easily. I used to obsess about crushes. But I haven't liked anyone since high school, which ended only 9 months ago. But it's been 9 lonely, quiet months. I sometimes don't know what to think about if not people. But people disappoint me. I want an idealized person to think about. And what is better than an infatuation to occupy my thoughts?

I sadden myself sometimes. I feel so alone when I think about people I can't have, but I might feel worse if I don't think of them at all. But then I'm ok. I've been alone for over 18 years. I've gotten used to it, but I feel like the comfort of not knowing is slipping.

I just want to have someone to think about. I want to be delusional sometimes. Hmm, delusional, what a thought.


PDA. I've come across people who shudder at the thought of gay couples kissing. Weird, queer, uncomfortable. At first, I thought they were just idiots (for I think all people are idiots). Now that I think about it, however, I agree. PDA is weird. PDA of any kind. I thought I was comfortable with it, and I am. From a distance. I blame movies. Movies make PDA seem so sweet and passionate. It's touching, moving. You'd think it could be the same in real life. But we have to take the context into consideration.

If I see a people kiss on screen, it's like "Whatever, they're kissing. Big whoop." But in real life, it's different. For me, anyway. If I see people kissing from at least 10 feet away, I'm still nonchalant about it. But when a couple is kissing in front of me (within 4 or 5 feet) and there's nowhere else for me to go or nothing to block my view, I feel awkward. It's like "Do I keep looking straightahead or do I look away? What the hell am I supposed to do?" No one's looking at me, but I still can't help but feel self-conscious. If I keep looking, I feel like a gawker. If I look away, I'm too shy for my own good. But it's respectful, isn't it?

Anyway, if I know the couple, then it's a little better but not by much. But I think it's worst when I'm a third wheel. Ugh, I hate being the third wheel with a couple. That's happened to me a few times, and I felt so uncomfortable all those times. Why must I be so nice and say yes?? Aiyah... Luckily, that hasn't happened to me lately. Third wheel, tch. I'm too nice a friend. I don't even know why those couples invited me along. Whyy? To make me uncomfortable?

Ok, tangent ending. PDA, not always a comfortable situation. But that shouldn't stop people from showing PDA. Ultimately, I don't care and sometimes think it's sweet, cute, or whatever. I think it's just me. I'm not around people enough to be used to all these strange public customs or anything.


I don't daydream as much as I used to. I don't think as much as I used to. Or do I and don't notice? Hmm. I need to pay attention more. Lately, I've been imagining myself as a popular kid. Making friends wherever I go. And keeping them.

It seems I don't keep my friends well anymore if at all. I'm not sure I know how to speak to them at times. I can only grin and nod. Grin and nod. What I always do. Making new friends is difficult. Has always been. I always waited for others to speak to me. Then I started speaking to other people on my own, but not often. I should. I should just try. I've been successful with that. I still talk to some of those people. But I think I fear people more and more every day. I think about how we live now, and I can never be sure how to react to the people I imagine are around me now. I feel like I can get along with almost anyone, but only an open person does that. I know I'm not open.

I'm friendly, not open. I'm not a private person, but I'm not open. Why? My friends are very open for the most part. You would think that they would have rubbed off on me. Perhaps they have, and I haven't noticed. Or I've regressed. I always regress. In school, in life. Why?

Back to daydreams: I've been thinking about life without my family. Independent, confident, impressive, skilled, versatile, eloquent, knowledgeable, and more. Qualities I want to have but won't give to myself now. I'll only think about what I would be if I used courage. I know my family isn't holding me back. I am. But I don't always want to blame me. It's better to just imagine a closer-to-perfect world. People like me. I do more and try harder (or try less and still be great). I love. I embrace my flaws. I embrace... people. I miss young life when none of this mattered much. I've grown to feel inadequate. I let myself feel this way, I know. I haven't tried hard enough to do better.

Who could love such an inconsistent person? So inadequate. So afraid. So boring. So lost.


I need to stop procrastinating. I've got a lot of homework to do this weekend. Essays, arguments. I'm going to be up late on Sunday night. I'm sure of it. Ahh, I should do better. After Spring Break. Maybe.


I wish I could remember my dreams. I've been forgetting them too easily.