I'm getting my edumacation done?

I don't want to be in school. I'm just not feeling it. I feel dumb every time I go to school. Being surrounded by people who are ambitious, who are trying. I'm not ambitious or trying. What am I? I'm a student. Yeah, I'm a student. Doesn't mean I should be there. Yeah, I usually get good grades. Doesn't mean I'm intelligent.

College is supposed to open new doors and help us find new opportunities. Only if we try. I'm not trying. I don't know if I want to try. I haven't been trying. I've just been waiting for an opportunity. Actually, I don't know if I'm even looking for opportunities. I'm not looking to surpass or improve myself.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I've realized something though: I'm not going to college for me. At least I don't feel like I am. I'm going to college for my mom, my family. I'm doing what I do for her, them. Only time I do anything for me is when I get out of the house, away from obligations, stress, and family. But I don't get out often. Is it bad that I think like this? I can't help it.

I doubt myself a lot. I know. Apparently, it's a self-preservation mechanism. No disappointments, yeah? But I'm disappointed anyway.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew where my life could be headed. I wish I could figure out what to do with my life. I want to see or imagine my future. Other people have an idea of their futures: Doctors, computer programmers, teachers, artists, writers, etc. When I think about my future, I see nothing. Literally. It's a blank thought. Not even an inkling. No tendencies toward anything. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it comes time to choose a path. I don't know what I'm doing.

If I think about a future career, all I can think of are the conditions or whatever. I don't want to work with people, like customers. I'd prefer to work alone or with a few people. I don't want to work around many people, which is so contradictory because I want to be around people. I don't know what I really want.

I think I'll just be happy with a simple job, so I don't have to stress about any intricacies of anything. Simple living haha. I think too much. I just don't want to think too much all the time.

The inconsistencies in my character really mess with my head. I don't know anything. I want, but I don't want. I'm soo conflicted--I still don't know the right word to describe this feeling I've been having for the past 4 years; I just say "conflicted."


Anyway, I've been having a crappy day. Started off crappy and didn't get any better. I wasted a day in front of the computer, playing Sudoku. So much for staying off the computer. And I still have an English essay to revise. It's due in two days. Grr. I'll be staying up late tomorrow night to finish. What fun. And I don't know what I'm gonna do about my Poli Sci midterm. Might as well just leave it alone and hope that I pass with a C in that class.

I can't wait for school to end and for summer to start. Though, I don't know how much better my summer is gonna be. I should try to ride my bike. I should.

I need to feel better. I wish someone would just help me. Force me to do better. But that someone can only be me, yeah? Mm. I'm just letting myself float around in the pool of education haha. I could never tread on my own. I'm not gonna try to tread on my own. I'm weak in that way. That's why I tell people they're strong, at least stronger than me. They tread or try to. I just hang onto something to stay afloat.

Sometimes, I wish I would just let go...