I'm not depressed.

I feel like crap. I feel stuck. I can't get unstuck. I want to get unstuck. I've been feeling nothing but pain. It hurts too much. I want to get rid of this feeling. Or non-feeling. I don't know. The pain feels like "nothing." Or nothingness. The last time I felt like this, it was bad. This time, it feels worse.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm losing grip. But then I regain my grip. So it seems like a momentary weakness. I wish that it was really just that, momentary. Temporary. Temporary pain that will go away. But really, it just keeps coming back, and I have to keep fighting it. I can't give in.

I wish I would open up to someone. Maybe it won't be so bad. I wish I could just let myself be honest and cry until I can't cry anymore. I don't like this feeling. I feel like a dam that's about to burst. It really hurts.

I need help, but I don't want help. I can get through this on my own. I know I tell people, my friends, that they should always be honest and open. To someone close to them. To me, if they can't find anyone else. I will always be there for them. For people. For everyone. I wish I could turn to those same people and let them know what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much anymore.

But I can't tell them. My problems aren't their problems.

Hah, I know. It's a double standard I've set for myself. I can't help it. My life's not that hard, but I can barely handle it. We shouldn't compare our lives to others' lives, but I know my life isn't that bad. I have friends who are worse-off than I am. And they're surviving. I'm just too damn weak to take on the small challenges in my life. So I won't talk to people. My problems are nothing. They're not important. I don't even know what they are.

I just feel so conflicted, uncomfortable, twisted, just something that I really can't describe. Something that I've been feeling for years and it has gotten worse now. I've been trying to figure out how to describe it, verbalize it. But I can't. For more than 3 years, I've been feeling this feeling that humans don't have a word for. Or at least it's not a word that I know or have ever heard of. It's an unknown word for an indescribable feeling. Maybe that's why I can't think of a word: I can't describe it.

None of my friends know how I feel. I've never told them. If I did tell someone, they'd probably just say it's depression. But it feels different from sadness or melancholy. It's different. Or at least I think it is. But who knows? We don't think the same. You couldn't possibly know what I mean. I've never heard the words I've been searching for. No one knows.

Maybe I am depressed. But how can I be? I have my happy days too. Depressed people don't have happy days. They don't smile. They have pained smiles. You can see it. My smiles aren't pained. No one sees pain in my smiles. I'm not depressed. I'm just not feeling how I want to feel. But I will. I'll work this out, and I'll feel better. Without help. I can do it. Or I can try. It won't hurt to try, right? Right.

I should get out of the house more often. I'm starting to scare myself sometimes :/