Maybe I'm just a bad friend.

I'm fucking pissed.

No, I'm not pissed. I'm irritated. And I'm hurt.

I was the target of a Facebook status rant. Something that I had addressed on Facebook about a week ago. Shows how seriously some people take me, I guess.

I don't know why people can't talk to me face-to-face when they have a problem with me. Instead of fucking making me guess and wonder if I should say something or let it go. Instead of sharing the problem with uninvolved people before letting me know it's a problem I should deal with.

I can't work on the fucking problem if I don't know I'm a part of the problem. We can't work things out if I don't know how you're interpreting what I've said or done. So let me know!

People have a problem with me being distant or pushing them away/ignoring them. I don't push people away anymore. I definitely don't ignore them. It's more like I've been trying to pull people into my life and surround myself with them, but I've never been comfortable being around people all the time. So now, I'm just being me for real, someone who doesn't like to interact with others that much. I still try to surround myself with people, but on most days, I would rather be alone and not talk to people. So I apologize if this abrupt change in behavior makes you feel like I'm pushing you away. I'm not. This is me embracing my real nature instead of trying to force it into something different. Before, I would always want to go out because I felt trapped at home and I wanted to have friends (going out a lot meant having a lot of friends). But now, I know I have good friends in my life, and I would much rather stay in and not be surrounded by people; I don't have a need to always have them around to make me feel like I'm important. I would rather not always be in constant contact with people. Granted, I still don't like being at home. But being alone makes me feel better now. I'm not lonely when I'm alone (haha Kelly Clarkson reference).

Most of my friends understand that we can't always talk but we're still there for each other. I've learned that about me and my friends from high school. I'm learning that about me and my college friends. And I'm hoping my college friends are learning that too.


Personal self-improvement is making me into a different person. I'm different from who I was at the beginning of 2012. I'm different from who I was in February and March. If I had to put a time frame on it, I'd say April was the month of big changes for me. Both good and bad. And I'm pulling myself up from the all the bad that I've been through. The changes that go along with that include me becoming more open yet closing myself off in other ways.


Blah. This started off as a rant about ambiguous Facebook attacks, and I didn't even really get there.

I dunno. I just feel attacked, even though she took off the status soon after she posted it. But I saw it anyway, and I copied it. I felt like it could have been directed toward me. So I asked her via Facebook message if it was directed at me. First thing she did was lie and say it wasn't. But the truth came out eventually that it was about me. And I told her how the whole thing made me feel. I didn't tell her completely how I felt because I wanted to know what issues we were having that I wasn't aware of. I focused on the issue. She said her part. I said mine. That was that. I was too angry to continue saying anything. So we've stopped talking. But I hope she really understood where I was coming from.

I haven't made any attempts to ignore her. All I ever did was tell her if I was busy when she'd contact me. Then she'd stop contacting me, even if I said "I'm busy, but what's up?"


Ahh, I dunno. Am I pushing people away? Maybe I'm misinterpreting myself. Maybe I really am horrible at communication. I thought I'd been improving that, especially after what's happened before this. I've been talking to a lot of different people over the course of the past two months about how to improve myself in various areas. I know I'm making progress, and I know I regress. But I'm fucking trying to become a better person and a better friend. I know I'll make mistakes, but if I make them, people have to point them out to me because I can't see everything that I do wrong.

I'm still that teddy bear that people can share their problems with. That won't change. What's changed is this teddy bear can't always there because teddy bears have their own tea parties to attend and sometimes they get lost too.

Maybe I just fail as a friend because I made her feel like I was pushing her away. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe she's not misinterpreting. Maybe... But I still want to be there for her.

Now I don't know if I'm being a good friend or not. Now I'm too emotional to think.