Another friendship on hold.

My self-care went out the window this week. I only ate a small breakfast yesterday. I ignored my hunger because I didn't feel like eating. Ugh. I think I'm in a depression again.

I feel a little better today though. Eating breakfast didn't make me feel sick.

I'm struggling between being in a good place and a not-so-good place. Good place because I'm fulfilling my resolution of being more honest. Bad place because doing so meant I'd hurt someone else.

I'm fighting the urge to just keep things to myself again. Just to save other people's feelings.

I don't want to hurt other people, but I don't want to be hurt either. I used to just take the hurt that my friends caused me because I thought my hurt wasn't a big deal and I didn't want to make my friends feel bad. But that meant they'd do it again because they wouldn't know or acknowledge that what they said or did hurt me. Gradually, I'd just be used to it and ignore its damage. Now, I don't even remember what my friends said or did that hurt me.

This feels like a battle between caring about myself and caring about my friends.

I didn't want to make her feel bad or guilty. I just wanted her to know what I was thinking and feeling. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have changed what I said. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Because she's feeling like shit because I had to tell her she hurt me.

Why couldn't I just let it go?

Why can't I let this situation go now?

I don't want to lose a friend. I can understand friends growing apart. But I don't want to lose a friend this way. When we haven't tried to resolve anything. The problem's been presented. Now we're not solving it. I want us to talk and solve it. I don't want to leave the problem there and never deal with it. I used to do that. I don't want to do that anymore. Why is she making us do that?

Ugh. Why am I blaming her? I'm antagonizing her.

I hope I don't build up resentment toward her for not dealing with this with me. Shutting me out and feeling shitty doesn't make anything better. Makes me feel worse than I originally did. Doesn't help her feel better. Her Facebook statuses let me know she's feeling shitty and has no one to talk to. All I can do is think to myself that I still want to be there for her. But I can't talk to her. She wants time and space to think. But she's not sure she'll ever talk to me again.

I hope our friendship resumes and gets better.

I wonder what I've done wrong. Because if I did something better, maybe she'd talk to me.