Pride 2012

So I went to Pride yesterday and today with Matt C, Nick C, Vivi N, and Derrick Q. Basically followed Vivi the whole weekend (part of our group's working buddy system). Spent Saturday night/Sunday morning in a nice hotel in Union Square.

SF Pride was a mixed bag. Saturday was great! Sunday could have been better, but it also could have been worse. Now, I'm absolutely exhausted in many ways.

Saturday, the four of us BARTed up from Fremont. We checked out the festival in the afternoon. A few of us got some food. At one point, Vivi and I lost the guys. We did run into Amirissa (I know her from ST, and Vivi knows her from SJSU). Later in the day, she and I went to see the Dyke March. Ran into a former SJSU classmate and her girlfriend :) I remember running into her the first time I went to Pride back in 2009. After, met up with Harrison and Jen. Spent a while with them. Vivi and I just chilled in the hotel room afterward. Her friend, Olivia P, joined us. Took the MUNI. Checked out the Pink Party. Not what we expected. Thought it would be crazier. Met back up with the guys before they headed to Gameboi. Last thing Vivi, Olivia, and I did on Saturday night was eat dinner at King of Thai. Great food.

Vivi and I got back to the hotel a little after midnight. Cleaned up and got ready for bed. I had some Smirnoff Ice, Sour Apple Bite. Tasty. We were lying on the bed, talking for a while.

It was a good day and night up until that point.

After that, various conversations in which Vivi and I partook changed the atmosphere of our weekend. A lot of anger, sadness, resentment, and other negative states culminated in a tense early Sunday morning. Two instances of a friend storming out of the room. The first time, Vivi and I took after our friend. The second time, we didn't know what to do. So everyone in the room just stayed in and waited. There were few if any constructive conversations, which made me really sad. It was also difficult to watch my friends be hurt and hurt each other in whatever way they did. I didn't know what to do, except to lie in bed, wait, and watch.

Oh, we had two extra guests in the room, which did not take anything away from the tension. Instead, they probably added to it.

No one slept before 4 or 5 in the morning. I stayed awake much of the morning because I couldn't get to sleep until the sun started to come up. Awoke at 8:15 and stayed up listening to my iPod and just thinking about my friends. I texted a few friends, whom I had planned to meet with during the parade, to tell them I couldn't hang out with them. I felt sad to do that, but I was in no mood nor did I have the energy to go searching for more friends. I hate canceling on people, but I didn't think it would be right for me to bring them down with my mood. Seriously, I was so unhappy...

Morning was relatively quiet. Strained conversation. A friend's quick departure to the festival.

The rest of us took our time to get ready and to check out of the room. Went to eat breakfast/lunch at King of Thai. Then went to the festival. Met up with two friends for a short while. Then headed to the API stage. Saw Brian D and Trung N there (long time, no see). Didn't get to catch up, and don't know when we will have an opportunity to do so. Spent the next 1.5 hours near the API stage. Some good and bad singing. Great dance performances. Frustrations and impatience increased while we were here. Then we all decided to go home.

BARTing home. Crowded. Cramped. But quick. Unhappy energy. I fell asleep because of the lack of sleep I had.


This weekend was supposed to help me de-stress after the week I've had. Though, when I had gone to Matt's place to sleep over Friday night, I didn't really feel like going anymore. But I went because we had all made plans to go together, and I didn't want to throw a wrench into that just because I wasn't happy about my week. Saturday was worth it. I got rid of a lot of stress and gained some wonderful memories. Sunday, beginning sometime after midnight, distressed me more than it helped me de-stress. All the tension that I felt slip away a little on Saturday came back threefold on Sunday. The tension ebbed and flowed Sunday, but it was constantly there.

There was a lot of good this weekend, but I feel like today was too much for me. I focused on the good when I could. But the bad just kept poking its head in. Being surrounded by thousands of people did not help me. I could feel my anxiety increase throughout the day...


Now I'm home. I'm tired. My brain is functioning well below normal capacity. The tight feeling in my chest isn't tightening, but it hasn't disappeared.

I hope my friends can find their peace. Even if just a little bit. Some peace would be better than none.

I started off this weekend really only worried about one friend/person. It's ending with me worried about at least two more. And I'm still trying to remember that I can't change my friends' lives. I can only give what I can in terms of observation, support, encouraging words, constructive advice, and realistic viewpoints.

I still wish people could at least try to talk to each other openly, honestly, and without prejudice. It's difficult, but it often gets you somewhere. Shutting people out and avoiding confrontation hurts everyone involved.

But we can't change people. We can't make them act or think differently just because we want them to. But that doesn't mean we can't tell them what we think or believe. How they take what we say depends on them. Hopefully, it's with an open mind.


What I feel right now is unhappiness. Helplessness. Worry. But also some hope that things will get better. Even if they don't, I have to remember life goes on and we go on with it. I'm still learning not to dwell. Still learning to let go. Still learning to move on. I hope I'm getting better at these.