I'm distancing myself from people...

I was listening to "No Rain" by Blind Melon and "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin. Good songs. Kinda fit my mood and at the same time tried to lift my mood. Now, I've got my Within Temptation playlist on. No more want for mood-lifters.


So I was chatting with Robert B and a friend I've never met, George, who happens to go to SJSU as well. Talked about friendship. Mostly my friendships in general.

Aside from Maggie (Hiii ^_^) and my SJSU/ST-alum friends (Albert, Lisa, Rose, Angela), I don't actually talk to anyone from high school much anymore. And Maggie, you know we don't even talk that often. Like maybe once or twice a month. Online. Or through text.

And I've really only talked to Albert about five times this whole semester. I haven't actually seen him in at least two weeks because I haven't been going to the Tuesday lunches. Lisa, I see every morning after we get off the light rail. Plus, we've got Physics together. Rose and Angela, I haven't seen them since the last Tuesday lunch I went to, as well. And really, they're all good friends, but I don't really consider them the same as the close friends I had in high school.


Blahh... I find it irksome how much things change. I've said this probably a hundred times, but I have major letting-go issues. I mean, I know things are always changing, either minimally or drastically. I just can't get over it. I used to pride myself on being flexible and adaptable, but, thinking back to how things used to be, I don't feel like I can handle it sometimes. I still flex and adapt, but I miss the past way too much.

I miss the newness of things. Now, everything feels so routine, bland, stuck, yet too different. Even new things aren't new anymore (I don't know how to explain it). Or maybe that's just how I feel. Feelings aren't logical. So maybe I should disregard them. Mm..


I really just want to talk to people again. Like, really talk. And keep talking. But I've already acknowledged that I've lost touch with my closest friends from high school. Even the girls from Friday (I love you, ladies. Really, I do).

I just... don't know how to put what I'm feeling/thinking into words. I'm trying.

I know I have friends who are here for me... I just don't feel like we're close enough anymore for me to disclose even half of the things I think about. Yeah, we (or really, they) can talk about sex and relationships, but I don't know why I feel this way, but I've felt like this for a long time (>2 years). I just never really thought about it. I might have said something before, but I always pushed back the thoughts when they got this deep.

I have friends. Good friends. Close friends. We're here for each other. It just doesn't feel like we're always here.

^And this is the best I can do to explain what I think about this topic.


You know, I feel like I'm typing all this, but you don't really get what I'm putting forward. You don't see me saying this shit. You don't see how much this tears at me..


After some thought: I have a few friends I can complain to (Thank you. I know I complain about myself and my family too often). I just don't feel I have any friends I can confide in. I know I have friends who care. I just don't know who would have the patience to listen, to keep pushing me, to stick around.

Everyone's just so busy now. With their social lives, new friends, new hobbies, degrees, futures, whatever... I'm trapping myself with thinking. Not doing.

I'm doing this to myself. No wonder.


Mm, yay for me trying to open up. On a blog. Eh. It's a step.


So yesterday, I cleaned up my Facebook friend list and AIM buddy list a lil bit. Still have a lot of people who don't say anything to me. But I deleted half my buddy list. The people who are still there are most those who talk to me once or twice a year haha. Eh -shrug-

The past four weeks, I've only talked to four people on AIM. Before, I barely went on AIM anyway. Dunno why I've been on almost every day lately -__- Most people never start conversations with me. Even before, I have always been the one to start the conversation with almost everyone else. And a reply was never guaranteed. And the conversation was always short. People are just busy, bored, apathetic. So I've stopped trying as much as I used to.

Mm, so I'm deleting more people on AIM now. Doesn't matter. They don't really care, nor do I anymore. Maybe I'll just go on AIM for the few people who still talk to me from time to time. Yeah.

Ah, and Facebook. I really don't like social networking websites. It's like the only way I talk to people anymore. And I don't even talk to them all that much on there. Not good at all. Feels so not effective.

Sometimes, I consider not talking to people. At all. Just cut myself off from everyone. Silence. Complete silence. Alone. Maybe, I'd stop thinking like this, feeling like this.

Ok. I'm not gonna care anymore. Just do what I do. Keep in touch with who I can. Don't think so much about it (so difficult).


Ugh, I'm just tired of thinking, but I can't stop. Thinking too much.....