Always Making Changes

I'm always saying that I'm making changes, but I've been halfheartedly committing to the more difficult ones.

Just spent several hours with Vivi, who is visiting from Portland. Lots of listening, talking, venting, and being completely honest. Got a fresh perspective and an honest opinion. Acknowledged what's been going on and what changes I've really been wanting to make but been too afraid to do anything about.

I'm pretty sure I freaked out Vivi with some of the stuff I was saying. But really, talking to her helped me put my thoughts together.

Anyway, starting this week, I'm going to start implementing actual changes in my behavior and habits. As much as I want to just make sudden changes, I figure it's probably smarter to roll them out, so that I don't overwhelm myself. The sudden influx of changes in my life is what got me into the bad mental space that I've been living in the past few months.

I have a list of changes written down. Kinda like resolutions, but not really. Just more short-sighted goals that will hopefully contribute to a life-improving balance that I want to find. I won't be sharing the list with anyone. I want this to be mine only. At least for now. At the most, I'm going to ask people to hold me accountable. Just ask me how I'm doing with my changes. Am I doing better? I won't lie.

But yeah, I need to take better care of myself. I can't keep doing stupid things and running away from my problems. I need to stop running. I need to stand my ground. I want to have the strength to stand my ground and face my challenges.

I want to be happy with myself, as much as I was just a year ago. I want the happiness that I was able to give myself. It will happen somehow. I will make it happen. Slowly but surely.

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Oh, celebrated NYE at a PopNYE. That was chill. A lot of unexpected things happened, I guess. Nothing seriously bad. I kissed a cute girl, whom I had just met that day, at midnight. It was nice. I got to cross NYE kiss off my bucket list haha. Danced with her all night. It was great. It was nice to have someone there with me. Someone who seemed like she really wanted to dance with me. Someone to hold me. Someone to kiss. Someone who just seemed interested. It's been a long time since I've been in any kind of situation like this, you know, with mutual interest involved haha. So it was a very pleasant surprise.

At the end of the night, she asked for my number. I may have mistyped it. Luckily, Facebook is a thing. Anyway, I was pretty hopeful about this for a day or two. But now, I'm just kinda mellowing out about it. She contacted me once but didn't continue the conversation. I texted her once, and again she didn't continue the conversation. I'm trying not to read into it. She could be busy, or she might not be interested. I'm just going to keep myself content with the thought that NYE was pretty amazing and we had fun together.