I'm feeling lightheaded.

Monday is a furlough, but I still have to show up to campus for a class. Since my French instructor is only a TA, the furloughs don't affect her. I thought a campus-wide furlough meant all the classrooms and buildings would be closed, but I guess not.

So the past two or so days, I've been catching up on homework. I still have six assignments to either start or finish this weekend. I don't even know when two of those assignments are due XP because my profs never said anything about the due dates.

This past week has been all right. Nothing too exciting. But it was a fun week. Denny's on Tuesday with Brian and Shiva at 7 in the morning. And I actually had to show up to my Sociology class on Tuesday and Thursday.

Haven't posted to this blog since Sunday because I figure you don't need to know what I'm doing every day. Nor do I really care to remember every single detail. I mean, before, I was compulsive about updating every day, I guess. But I should break the habit. I feel incomplete when I don't update. That's not a good thing. Plus, I'm on campus for most of my awake time. So yeah.

This past week, I've been thinking about what I want to update about. I'm not really sure. I mean, there were things I wanted to update about, but then I forgot about them -shrug-

I don't know what to post about. I could update about my everyday stuff, but they're not that interesting. Really, on school days, I'm just going to class, walking with Lisa, Amy, Christine, and/or Albert, chillin' with Brian and Shiva, and doing homework. Nothing too interesting to share. Or interesting enough to share, but I don't make 'em seem very interesting.

Haha everything's interesting in my head. I just can't make 'em sound interesting outside of my head. Like, I can take pleasure in just being around friends, but I can't explain why that's so. No need for conversation anymore, and I can still have a good time -shrug- Maybe I'm just weird like that.

Lately, I've been finding it more difficult to talk to friends. I mean, I'm literally not saying much if anything at all, especially in the morning. Compared to last semester, I'm saying way less in the morning. I'm listening a lot more than usual. I'm not contributing much. I don't know why. Hm. Maybe I'm just really tired.

I've also been much more agitated. I just get so angry with Mother. Brother, not so much only because I see him like once a day, usually before I go to bed.

Mother has been pointing out that I've been very rude and disrespectful toward her. I know I have been. I haven't been putting myself in check when I talk to her for the past two weeks. I just can't stand how she talks to me now. Just as I'm sure she can't stand how I talk to her. Feels like a war. Neither side wants to compromise. Neither side trusts the other.

I don't know how to talk to her. I think about it, but nothing ever turns out right in my head.

She's making assumptions and accusations. I'm quick to lose my patience. I haven't yelled at her, but I've been acting as if she doesn't deserve the respect that a parent should receive from her child. She's been yelling at me, but she's also trying to do what she thinks is best for me. I know.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing right now. A part of me wants to be angry at her for not going about this situation the "right" way. Another part of me wants to forgive her and just try to be the good daughter I'm supposed to be. Then there are other parts of me that want other (extreme) things.

You know, we could totally fix this problem if she would just listen to me, if I would just listen to her. If we could make a compromise, we could get along better. But every compromise we've made so far has been forgotten or broken.


For the past week, I've been thinking about me and my life in the context of all the lives around me. I know what I've been thinking. Or maybe I don't, since I can't find the right words. The words I say aloud always sound wrong.

Blaahh. My head is just... grr... Ineffable. The thoughts and the feelings, just ineffable.

You know what I've been wishing? That I was mute. I would just have to listen. I wouldn't have to talk. I could frustrate people for not talking, but they wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It wouldn't be a choice on my part. Now, because I can speak, when I don't talk, I know it annoys people. Really, I just don't feeling like talking.

As much as I don't wanna listen to all the negative shit in this world, I don't ever wanna be deaf. I still love music. Instead, I'd prefer it if people just stop complaining. Maybe I'd stop complaining. Hm.

If I was blind, I wouldn't mind. Not seeing. I don't see things anyway. I see people. If I was blind, maybe I'd finally see things and people for what they really are. Sight blinds me.


Is there ever a point to any of my entries?


Tomorrow's Lunar New Year. Yay. D's coming over :) I didn't really get to see him last weekend 'cause I was out. Tomorrow, though, I'll be home.

If tomorrow is a good start to the year, I'll update about it. Though, my mom is already paranoid about the new year because she read one of those Vietnamese Buddhist prediction book things. Apparently, this year of the tiger will be bad for me. I will be betrayed or swindled by friends. This would explain a lot of things my mom's been saying to me about the friends I have.


Lots of other things I wanna talk about. But I won't. Not now. They make me feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity.

Blah. Hopefully, tomorrow, a new (lunar) year will refresh me. Usually does, just like the solar new year does.


-sigh- I'm gonna be honest. Right now, all I want to do is to stop thinking, to sleep, to dream a nice dream. What I really want is a nice, long hug from someone who really cares and won't let go. haha :P I'm just kidding. I just need a break. I just wanna lie down on the ground, look up at the ceiling (or the sky), and listen to the quiet/wind/background noise.

Ants invaded my bathroom.

An army of them. Mother attacked them with Raid. That's really all I was gonna say. And also, whyy? There's no food in the bathroom -_-

Now, I'm waiting for the bathroom to air out the chemicals so that I may go in and wash the sweat and dust off of my face. Egh. Been driving Mother around for a few hours.


Oh, tomorrow, I will go see a pool. With Kat and Le. Not sure if I'm going into the pool. Mother does not want me in a pool. Some family superstition thingy. Uncle died when his fighter aircraft fell into the ocean. Somehow that translates into Brother and I being unlucky near large bodies of water. But hey, at least I no longer have a fear of such bodies of water. Good thing I don't like to swim :P But maybe I'll go into the pool. If I figure out how to go home dry and chlorine-free.


Just over ten days left till school starts. Woohoo. My Philosophy prof has already emailed the class. I can already imagine that she will be one of the best professors I will ever have. Besides, her reviews on Ratemyprofessors have been really heartening.


Anyway, I hope I can hang out a few times before school starts for everyone again. I haven't seen too many people this summer. Man, I haven't even seen Alex D. This is a first haha. Yeah, ok.

Should people die?

Morbid, yeah? Yeah.

It's just the whole 2012 Armageddon/Apocalypse/etc and Igor Panarin discussions. My mom's worrying a lot about it. I'd explain, but I'm just gonna say that my mom is very superstitious and paranoid.

About an hour ago, we were driving somewhere and talking about the earthquake that occurred yesterday in Orange County. I told her that a radio host was warning people about a predicted earthquake sometime today or whenever, and our conversation just turned toward Panarin's prediction about the US.

Then she remembered this map we looked at almost 10 years ago, I think. It was a map of the world at a point in the near future. The water had risen and covered much of the lands. California became an island and had been slowly swallowed by the water until there was only a sliver left (San Jose was submerged!). That's all I really remember from that map. Well, I remember some nations just disappeared altogether.

Obviously, that will come after the disintegration of the US. Mm hmm.

Another civil war. Hmm. I wonder how that would go. If it happens, it happens. The only thing that saddens me is that people would get hurt. But hey, if and when, I'm joining the DeFranco nation XD Or I'll just wait till Canada takes over a few states and then emigrate to Canadian territory haha. I always wanted to go to Canada, you know :)

Do I believe the disintegration will actually happen? Do I believe that Americans are that depraved and selfish? Will we allow ourselves to go so low as to attack fellow Americans just because we got it rough? Sometimes, yes; other times, no. Haha I don't know. People are people. Some are nice, and some aren't. All I can say is "people are idiots." I include myself in that, too. I know I'm an idiot sometimes. I'm just glad I can admit it. Ooh, I'm straying haha.

I think that if people are pushed past their limits or burn out their fuses, then yeah people may sink low, lower than the ground. But I also think it's because people set their limits. Why limit yourself, your patience? Things always gotta get worse before they get better. I mean, c'mon, if things were always good, we'd complain about how boring life is without the turbulence.

Anyway, I think I wanted to post an entry about the End of the World, but now I don't know how or where to take it. Hmm.

Is it so bad? To die? I mean, I think people feel like death is a bad thing. I don't think death in itself is bad. Yeah, the separation, the loss, and the emptiness feels terrible. For those still living and attached.

But really, why is death bad? Because it leads to an unknown? Because it's the end? You didn't live your life to the fullest and it feels worthless just before the end?

Why are people afraid to die? Because there's always so much more they can do with their lives. You could say instinct, but c'mon, be a little more open-minded to the possible reasons. There's usually more than one approach. But I don't want to delve into the reasons now. There's no point. I'm saving some pointless things for another time. Maybe.

If people never die, they'll just continue to grow old and weak and sick. That's how it seems to work anyway. Eventually, there's pain in growing old. Sometimes, the pain makes people want to die. Death ends the pain. For the one dying, of course. Death ends dying. So death isn't really all that bad. For the dying. But living is dying. I mean, dying is basically the process of reaching death, isn't it? So, as we live, we die. It's a sad way of looking at it, but isn't it true?

Life and death go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. And the process of each (living and dying) intertwine so well that we hardly notice. We all assume that living comes first and then dying second, but I don't think so. I mean, we can die at any second, whether naturally or not. It can happen now, tomorrow, or in a few years. Is that why people are always afraid?

Hmm, I don't think I'm afraid to die. I don't want to be. I'm not afraid of the darkness anymore. And I'm assuming the end of life brings darkness to my eyes forever. I'm not afraid, but I am scared that it's gonna hurt. I don't want to feel pain when I die. But if I do, it's fine. Not like I could change it. But I want music. I'm not sure I care what kinda music as long as it can lull me to sleep haha. Music takes the pain away sometimes, so it wouldn't matter if death is painful.

I worry though, that when I die, someone will be hurt, left behind. And that would just make me feel terrible for dying haha.

I don't remember where I was going with this or if I was going anywhere with this entry. Huh.

Well, it's nice to get my thoughts out, however redundant they may seem. I need to put in something a little more upbeat though or at least less saddening haha.