How will 2014 end? Good or bad?

I've been thinking about what I want. How to achieve what I want. When to do it. Just lost in thought about things. I still don't really know what I want. I have ideas of what I want, but nothing is certain in my head.

I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)

So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.

My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.

I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.

I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.

I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.

It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.

I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.

I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.

I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...

All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.


Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.

Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.

It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.

I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.


Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.

2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).