Latent Grief

"We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad." -John Green

Most days, I think my grief over the death of a friend is done. Gone. Finished.

Then it comes back and slams me right in the chest. And I lose my breath. And I can't think about anything other than the pain in my chest and what caused it. I think about how I could have prevented it. If I could have seen it coming, maybe I would have dodged it or at least braced myself for it.

Today, I didn't see it coming. Work was going so well. I was talking to my coworkers. Smiling. Dancing. Having a good start to the day. Then I had time to myself to think. My work gives me a lot of opportunity to stand there and think about other things. So my thoughts wandered.

The airplane with the members of the Smith family that went missing was found this past Friday. Report said they died a quick death. All I could think was, "I can't imagine what it's like to lose my family like that. To wonder for weeks if they're alive or hurt or starving, only to eventually find out they died." But I guess it's good to have that closure. Closure is soothing.

But then all I could think was they (the rest of the family) didn't get to say goodbye. You never get to say goodbye.

And I thought about the folks I never got to say goodbye to. I don't want to say goodbye. I still talk to them occasionally. But most days, I don't think about them. I'm trying to move forward and not cling to the past. But sometimes, I just want to be stuck in those memories. Memories of Earl, Milton, Ton, and Rahul. They passed so recently; yet, my memories of them are already getting fuzzy. I'm afraid I'll forget them. I'm afraid I'll lose them for good.

Some part of me wants to ask them for forgiveness. But I don't know what for. Well, I know I can't do anything to change their deaths. I know I couldn't have done anything to make the past different. But I still wish I could have been better, and maybe things would have turned out differently, better for them.

I know. I know what I'm doing right now. I know what I've been doing all day. And I know I shouldn't. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm making myself feel responsible for something I couldn't control. I can't control life. I can't control others' lives. Fuck though, I wish I could change something.

I have this fear. It's not really a fear. It's really just a thought. A negative one. But Ton and Rahul died. Both members of the original Q&A family. Ton died almost two years ago. Rahul died last year. It's irrational, I know, but I worry there could be a third this year.

I have friends I worry about. But I don't know if I can be the support they need to get through their hard times. It scares me. Because they have so much promise. And so much potential that could go in any direction. I don't know if I could handle another death.

Death is a part of life. I understand that. I accept that. I do. But sometimes, I just want to fight that reality. Beat it back just for a while. Just believe that death doesn't exist; it can't possibly happen. Yet, it's real; it's felt; it's a part of my history now. As I get older, death will write itself more often into my history. I just hope I can handle it. Especially when it comes to those closest to me. I know my parents will die, but I'm hoping that won't happen for at least another thirty years. I'm hoping Brother makes it to his daughter's wedding day haha and maybe even his first grandchild's eighteenth birthday. Shiva and Harrison, you're both making it to at least 80 with me; you promised. Miah, I hope, will live a long, fulfilling, and happy life. If anything were to ever happen to her, I would die inside or go crazy.

There were so many thoughts flying around my head at work today. I couldn't talk to anybody. I felt like an idiot for being so sad at work, for worrying a couple of folks there. I just couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't stop feeling so sad and so angry at life for what it does to people. At myself for feeling any of this, for not being able to just think about something else and be happy.

But I know that, today, I just needed to be sad. I also needed to be alone. Not the best day to be at work. But it's ok. The day has passed. And I'm feeling better now that I've been home alone.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm sure of it.