Ineffable.

And I can't fucking tell if I'm fucking hurting or not.

My friend, Ton W, passed away last Tuesday night, April 17. Only five days ago. Don't know how he died. Found out Wednesday evening. Went through Wednesday thinking I was gonna see him Thursday night at the drag show. Felt like I was lied to. Spent Wednesday night, fighting wakefulness and all these thoughts that wouldn't stop repeating themselves. Had to surround myself with people to keep my brain from doing that. But that could only last so long.

I can't fucking put into words what I'm feeling.

I've never really had to grieve for anyone. There was Earl. His death hurt, but it was easier to accept because he was fighting cancer. Ton's death, on the other hand, was so unexpected. And I can't deal with it. I thought I was dealing with it just fine. I cried like crazy Wednesday night to Thursday night during the drag show. Then I couldn't cry anymore. I thought I was done. I haven't had the urge to cry for two days. But then today, I've been sitting on a bench on campus (still am as I type this), doing homework. Lost my focus, went on Facebook, and somehow found myself looking at Ton's page. I can feel the tears wanting to come out again, but this time they're not coming out. I have that heavy feeling in my chest again, and it's not relieving itself. I don't know how to get it out.

A part of me is scared that his death was a suicide. I know I shouldn't make any assumptions. I've talked to some friends about this. I can't help but wonder. I talked to him on Tuesday. He saw me in the Student Union working on my paper. He stopped by to talk to me for about ten minutes. It had been a while since I'd last seen him and I was glad to talk to him.

This may just be hindsight bias, but I could feel that something was not right when I hugged him. He didn't really hug me back. He put his arms around me, but I couldn't feel the hugs. And I always feel his hugs. I loved his teddy bear hugs. I should have figured out that something was up. I should have kept talking to him. Maybe it would have made a difference somehow.

But he talked about going to the drag show and hanging out with everyone. He talked about being glad that the semester was almost over. He talked about going to the Cherry Blosson Festival this weekend.

I dunno what I'm feeling. Ton's no longer around. He's dead. I can't tell if I've accepted his death or not. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't tell if I'm angry, frustrated, depressed, numb, or anything else. But I know I'm feeling something. Maybe it's everything that I'm feeling.

I'm hoping that his death was natural. I feel stupid for saying this, but if his death was a suicide, I would hate myself. I don't want to feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I talked to him hours before he died. That makes me feel like I could have done something, instead of ignoring the nagging feeling that something was wrong.


I thought blogging or getting these words out would help me feel a little better. But I don't feel better. I'm still stuck at ineffable.


We continued on with the drag show with a tribute to Ton. There was no stopping the tears that came with seeing his photos on the screen on the stage. I couldn't look at them before the start of the show. But when the show started and Chara started playing her song, I couldn't look away from Ton's face on the screen.

Ahh... The rest of the show went on as planned. I barely remember it. Not as amazing as the previous drag shows I went to. I can't tell if that's because the performances weren't up to par or because of Ton's death.


Ugh. This isn't helping me. I don't know what to do. I can't really talk about this. I did, and I was ok. Then I'm no longer ok. And I feel like talking about it won't help me anymore. I can't even think of what to say. My feelings are just those: feelings, not words. They won't leave my brain. I just can't think. All I'm doing is feeling. Why can't I think? Fuck. I can't think about anything. I can't focus on this paper that I was supposed to finish by today. It probably won't be finished by next weekend either. My brain won't think. All it thinks is "Why are you dead? Why aren't you here anymore? Why are you gone? Why?"

What should I do? I don't want to talk, but I feel like things are getting heavier and I can't carry shit.

I just need sleep. A nice, long sleep. When I wake up, I'll feel better. But I can't sleep. I'm not sleeping well. I don't have dreams or anything. But I don't feel like I sleep at all.


Ahhhhh!! I can't fucking take this right now. I just wanna cry this all out again, but I can't. What can I do, but just wait for it to pass? That's what I'll do, I guess. I hope it passes soon.



Rest in peace, Ton. We all love and miss you.

QTIP's Drag Show 2011

I slept over at Shiva's Wednesday night because we both had two back-to-back midterms the next day. The 104 midterm was difficult -_- I hope we both got good scores.

The drag show was on Thursday. I was late for setup because I had gone home around 3 and tried to get back to campus by 5. But I had to wait for D to stop by, which made me an hour late. Setup started late though and ended quickly.

The show itself was all right. Turnout was not as high as it seemed to be last year. There were fewer performances too, I think. Or maybe just fewer performers; some of them did two or three performances.

I liked a few of the performances. Bonnie's "Love The Way You Lie" was good, especially with the IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) facts. Pandora's Myth's dance routine was pretty awesome; probably my favorite performance of the night. Oh, Bonnie's drag troupe (Gender Queer Society) did the final performance of the night. Performing with a pair of drumsticks and inflatable guitars, the four performers were each dressed as a member of a different band or musician. Kiss, George Michael, Bon Jovi, Flock of Seagulls. That was just a fun performance.

Oh, there was also Tim's Emily Rose/Rebecca Black performance o_O The intro was taken from the movie "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." Turned into the song "Friday." The audience sang along. I still don't even remember the tune, and this was probably the third time I'd heard that song. I think Shiva's ears died and her brain lost some cells.

Parker's group, Pimps and Pros, had a fourteen-minute long performance before intermission. A bunch of hip hop songs, quite a bit of profanity, and too much provocative dancing and grinding. Toward the end of the song, the women of the group came off-stage to give lap dances to members in the audience O_O Next time, I want to sit away from the aisles. Anyway, I don't really remember anything else from this performance other than Danny's top fell down (I don't know if it was planned).

There was also a drag queen performing two Cher songs. She held a microphone and everything. Another performer was a guy singing and dancing to his own written song.

I named the performances out of order, but that's 'cause I can't remember them in order. I'm probably missing a few too -shrug-

Mm, so Shiva made me go in drag with her. Except I wasn't really in drag. All I did was wear my usual clothes, and she drew a mustache on me. And a swirly beard thing. In eyeliner stuff. Shiva had a mustache, beard, and sideburns. I brought my baggy hand-me-down jeans from Brother, so that she could borrow it. But she ended up not using them. Made me carry extra weight -_- But anyway, apparently, we looked like twins, I looked like an Asian gangster, and we were just cute (I mean, we were oh so manly). You'll see pictures on Facebook soon probably.

Harrison came to the show after the intermission. I had contacted him too late to get him to the show on time ): Sad. But he enjoyed what he didn't miss :)

So I slept over at Shiva's again Thursday night. And again Saturday night. Slept over quite a bit this week. Even though we broke up...

This past week has been difficult. Lots of tears have been shed. But smiles are still plenty enough.

QTIP's 3rd Annual Drag Show...

was pretty awesome :D Better than I had expected. Though, the tech team was disappointing. Bad lighting and sound levels were often too low. Even put on the wrong song at one point.

But anyway, today was a pretty good day. No Linguistics, and I didn't go to Sociology 'cause I decided to help set up for the Drag Show.

So in the morning, I talked to Stephanie H on the light rail and later Kilani at the usual bench. Interesting conversations. Reminiscent of the one I had with Matt C on Monday. And people be saying crazy things. Haha apparently, if you have a conversation, private or not, with Kilani, you get Marie's input as well XP It's a "package deal." Geez...

Anyway, yeah, I spent quite some time sitting at a bench, doing a crossword puzzle and sudoku puzzles. Then around 13h30, I chilled at the QTIP table with Matt, Billy, and Evelyn(? some Asian chick haha), while they sold Drag Show tickets. That was fun. More bench time after 14h00.

Lots of stuff happened today, but I'm just so out of it that I can't type it all down ):

Just gotta remember that Carlo, Parker, Eve, Bonnie, and more + the professional drag queens were all awesome haha. Ahh, wish I could say more, but I'm feeling lightheaded and tired. So if you wanna know more about what happened, just ask me on AIM or something.

But hey, I'm glad Stephanie, her boyfriend, and Harrison enjoyed the show. Well, Steph and her bf had to leave early, but yeah. Awesome. I actually invited friends to a queer event haha. I usually don't do that. Only other time I did was when I drove Maggie to the QTIP BBQ last semester.

Anyway, I'll probably go to the Drag Show again next year. Still won't dress in drag though >_> No way. No matter how much anyone begs me. Though, I'm sure some QTIP people will try to either blackmail me or just force me to do it -_- Gotta watch my back once Spring comes around again >_> <_< >_>


Mm, what else? Oh, I'm not going to Berkeley for the Q&A Con this weekend (sadness..) because I've just got way too much work to do. Been piling up again. Three essays, a presentation, three chapter readings along with a quiz, and other stuff that I cannot recall. Gonna be such a fuun weekend. I hope I focus. It would suck if I couldn't.

Oh, please tell me I'm not gonna have to deal with any bullcrap this weekend. I just wanna get stuff done. Peacefully. No obsessing about dumb shit..


Mm, oh yeah, Kat wants to go eat crawfish and possibly go to the beach on May 16th. If you wanna join us, lemme know, k? Anyone can come. The more, the merrier, yeah?