I want to be a good friend.

I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.

Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.

I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.

And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.

I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.

Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.

This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.

I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.

-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.


In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
 

More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...

But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.


I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.

I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.

What do you think that says about me?

I never really notice things

I don't notice the things people wear. I don't notice how they decorate their rooms, their cars, their bodies. I might notice how they present themselves, how they decorate their personalities.

Mother, D, and I were talking about how D doesn't notice the women around him, at work, wherever, which is good, you know. He doesn't notice what they wear or anything like that. Why do we need to notice? I mean, I notice people, beautiful people, other people. I just don't notice what color their shirt is or what style of shoes they're wearing. Why should I? It's not that important to me.

Why do we need to notice? Other than to understand a person's facade, apparent personality, and general taste in fashion. It doesn't tell you too much about a person, unless you're trained to read their appearance. And I'm willing to bet that most people are not trained to do so.

Hm, so why do people, mainly women, expect others to notice their new clothes, their new hairstyle, their new whatever? [And I admit to doing this too, though not openly. It's all in my head.] Why should we care? Eventually, new becomes old, and it's all in the past.

Still, I try to notice. I've taken the hint from people that they want me to see something about them. And I'd like to compliment people, but it doesn't happen often. It's not in the forefront of my mind. Again, why should it be? Yeah, I want to make people happy. Maybe I should try a little harder to accomplish the small goal. Maybe. I just don't always see it as my way of doing so, but sometimes I feel like that's the only thing that's going to please a person.

How shallow of me to think so...


So LASIK is becoming a real option. I don't know. I don't really wanna get LASIK. Kinda weird to think about. No glasses. Though, apparently, I would still have to wear sunglasses O_o I'm used to glasses. I'm used to seeing frames around my eyes. I think I look better with glasses.

I'm stalling on calling the surgeon's office. Not a big fan of surgery. Never had a serious one before, only small stuff. And you have to be awake for this. Even though you won't see or feel anything. Still, I don't want to be awake thinking about a laser being focused on my eyes.

What do you think? Should I get LASIK? Mother wants me to get it done over Winter Break. Start the new year without eyeglasses. That would be a change from the usual.

If I get LASIK, wanna go with me to choose a pair of cool-looking sunglasses?


I have a few problems. Physical ones. I usually don't quantify them, but I will here. Apparently, I had a couple of problems when I was born. Though not many, my family always made me feel like I gave them too many problems.

I used to be slightly cross-eyed when I was one or two. Now, I just wear eyeglasses to correct my vision. Maybe by the end of this year, that won't be a problem anymore.

I used to get ear infections, just like many other children did. Although, my infections happened frequently and often. Had to have a small surgery to insert a tube or something in my ear (or ears, I don't remember). Now, no more infections, yay. But I have a hard trouble hearing sometimes. And I'm not very good with locating sounds :( My binaural cues do not help at all. I think one ear is weaker at receiving sound than the other. Explains why I can never locate ringing cellphones XP

Hm, it seems that my sense of smell is lacking as well. I can't always distinguish scents. Don't know how to explain that haha.

My back has been a problem for several years now. Scoliosis. Can't sit straight up for a long time. Hurts my lower back and shoulders. I think it's my trapezius muscles (or whatever muscles attach to my scapula) that experience the most pain.

My left knee started hurting about a year after I found out I had scoliosis. The pain has since become intermittent and moved to the muscles in my thigh and calf as well. May or may not be related to the back problem. One doctor said that many girls had knee problems. Depends on how we walk, how the muscles rub against the knee cap. So who knows? But my left leg is much weaker than my right. I should at least be able to put all my weight on my left foot, but I can't without a lot of discomfort.

These aren't many or serious problems, but they are a part of my life. I just wish my mom didn't make me feel like I've been a burden. I try to deal with these things without telling her, but then she says I don't confide in her. When I confide about how I'm feeling about anything, it's like I'm just bothering her with more of my problems.

Yes, I do admit that I use these as excuses for being inadequate, inefficient, incapable. Usually justified, sometimes not >_> Sometimes, it's also hard to downplay how much something bothers me. But I try. I don't want people to think I don't try, that I resort to these things as soon as things get tough. I just don't like pushing the boundaries on my abilities and pain threshold XP


Anyway, I really need to get started on my homework haha. Should finish early. Leave more time for resting and fun. Q&A Movie Night on Wednesday :D Game Night on Thursday. Yay.

Got my glasses...

Yes, they are plastic. Plastic frame. Yay. Mother chose them, and I found out why. She likes the rectangular look because of Sarah Palin XP




I felt so emo when I started wearing them haha. But at least they're not completely black. Reddish too. Not really sure what the color is called, but it's reddish. Maybe a really dark magenta? haha

These are going to take some getting used to. My vertical vision is limited, and my peripheral (on the sides) is clearer. It's usually the other way around, but ok.

And yes, I totally felt silly taking these pictures, but I don't know when's the next time I'm going to see you. So my new glasses won't be such a big surprise :P


Now, back to watching Heroes :D