I want to be a good friend.

I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.

Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.

I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.

And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.

I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.

Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.

This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.

I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.

-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.


In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
 

More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...

But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.


I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.

I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.

What do you think that says about me?