Today was not a happy day :(

When I was in my AAS class, I realized that I wasn't wearing my ring. So I checked my pockets and the area around me. No ring. I started thinking back through my morning to try to figure out where my ring might be. And, gosh, I really don't like being forgetful.

I had my ring on when I was eating breakfast. I took it off and put it in my pocket, so that I could wash the dishes. I sit down and read my book for ten minutes. It's time to leave. I get up. I put my wallet in my backpack. I put my headphones around my neck and my iPod in my pocket, the one with the ring in it.

This is where I don't remember if I put the ring back on or if I even took it out of my pocket :(

But either way, I'm still missing a ring. If I put it back on, that means it fell off my finger. If I left it in my pocket, it fell out of my pocket. Either way, it's my fault.

Because of this ring, I couldn't focus on the history video about Thomas Jefferson. And then I kept messing up in dance class :( Just not a good day.

That ring kinda meant something to me. I mean, it's not so important that I'm gonna die without it (though, Mother might beg to differ because it's been "blessed"). I've had that ring for at least two years. My brother has a matching ring that he doesn't wear anymore. Mm, I just really liked that ring because it was simple. Mm..

Also, I was freaking out because I knew Mother would not be in the least ok with this.

When I told her about the ring, she just looked at me like she was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me? You lost something else??" Mind you, I don't lose things too often, maybe just once or twice a year. But I guess that's more often than she or Tony lose things. I mean, she loses a lot of things, but they're usually around the house, so it's ok. This, I probably lost outside the house, so very little chance of it turning up.

But, seriously, I was hoping (futilely, as always) that she would at least be grateful that I was honest. I could have kept quiet about it, and she would not have known. I could have lied and said someone stole it, and she wouldn't blame me. But no, because I was honest, she blamed me. I already felt guilty about losing the ring, and I knew telling her would make me feel guiltier (she's just that good). I told her anyway, and of course I feel guiltier than ever. Should be happy that I tell her anything.

But no, I tell her the truth, I'm on the way to "becoming my brother," which doesn't make any sense because he always lied and got caught in his lies. He never came clean about anything unless he was arrested or Mother found a flaw in his stories. Me, I tell her the truth almost immediately, and I get the same treatment Tony does. Ugh, what's the point of being honest if it ends the same? Might as well lie, avoid punishment as much as possible.

But nooo, my morals had to kick in during high school -__- and they're still here. **Can you tell I question my morals a lot?

I'm tagging this entry as "lost items" because I feel like I'm going to lose a lot of things in the future. I've lost things in the past, of course, but I don't remember what they are.


So anyway, I couldn't focus in school today. Just arghh.. But hey, MJ music played during dance class, so I got into that. Lifted my spirits a little. And I think Tatiana and I got like half our choreo down, so that's good.


Let's see. When I was waiting for Mother to pick me up from the light rail station, a girl asked to use my cell phone. She couldn't reach whomever she was calling. She thanked me, handed back my phone, and started walking home. Mother came. As we were about to leave the parking lot, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I asked the caller if he had just gotten a call from this number. He said yes. So I told my mom to stop the car. I got out and ran after the girl. She talked on the phone for a few minutes and then thanked me again. I told her I didn't want her to have to walk home in the cold, and then I ran back to the car.

That was my good act for the day. Or week. I've no idea. But it made me feel good. I'm surprised Mother didn't yell at me for helping the girl out. You know, being a Good Samaritan will eventually land me in court. Whatever. If I wanna help people, I will. If they act like bitches about it, then so be it. Nothing hanging on my conscience.

I like it like this. Helping people when they ask for it. I'm not so much into organized aid. I'm for it, for sure, but I jus don't commit to things. But help that is random, spontaneous, and so on and so forth is what I like to do. Just give me my lil bits of good will, and I'll be happy.

And yes, this was a trivial incident, but still I felt good about myself, despite the awkwardness of knowing that I ran after a stranger just so she could get a phone call :P


Anyway, just found out from Mother, who found out from Brother, that one of our former neighbors (from Le's neighborhood next to the fire station) died on Friday in a head-on collision with a tree. Don't know details, but Mother is assuming that he was drinking and driving.

Even though we parted from that neighborhood on bad terms, I will still say RIP Luan. I think that's his name, I never really talked to him. But I always thought he was a nice guy, even if he hung out with the dudes that turned their backs on my brother.

Man, I can't believe this is the closest I've been to anyone's death. People close to my family have died, but when they died, I hadn't seen them in years. So I can't really say I knew them well enough. Not this guy. Not even Earl, who was like my best friend.

I guess you could say that I'm "lucky" that no one really close to me has died. But that just means I'll have a harder time dealing with it when the time comes.

I don't know. I feel like crazy shit happens after I leave people. Yeah, I have friends who were nearly kidnapped, raped, or beaten (excluding family shit). But I'm not sure how many I know who have been so so close to death, other than Brother. I mean, I know most of my friends are too smart to drink and drive. I know most of them don't hang out with the type of crowd that could easily get them killed. But then I hear about friends from my past who have been shot at, who've gone to jail or prison for dumb shit, who just DO stupid shit that keeps them close and cuddly with the Grim Reaper.

Maybe I should be grateful that that's not where I'm from anymore. But I don't know. I feel like if I had stayed, maybe I could have changed shit, prevented the stupidity. I don't think I would have stood around while my friends fucked up their lives. Or maybe I would have. Maybe I would have joined them.


Ugh, life is just... hard. I think about the what if's too much. I say RIP too much, for the people I don't know but still think about. Sometimes, I wish I would stop thinking about people. It gets lonely.

I'm not allowed to be a Good Samaritan

So I had to drive Mother around today.

When we were leaving CVS, a guy reversed into a shopping cart that had toppled over. So I ran over to pull the cart away from his car because I was really close and thought I should help. When I was running to the cart, Mother yelled out my name. I didn't know why, but I didn't stop. After the cart was out of the way, the guy thanked me and got back in his car.

Mother then yelled at me for helping him out. She called me a fuckin' idiot. In Vietnamese, of course. I'm not supposed to help people in public. I'm not even allowed to help someone who tripped or dropped their stuff. Why? Because they will sue me.

Fuck that. I'll help if I want to help. If people act like bitches about it, fuck it, whatever. Shit happens.

If that had been my car that hit the shopping cart, I would have liked to have someone help me out a little.

Man, people can be crappy in this world. We're so fucked if we can't trust people to appreciate our help. Yeah, I've heard the stories about people suing good samaritans for accidentally injuring them or something like that. But, c'mon, we can't go around ignoring people when they need some assistance just because we're scared. If you witness a major car accident, you should stop to help if you can. I would. My mom wouldn't. She's driven away from other people's car accidents before. She'd come home and tell me all about it. I never even bother to ask if she even called 911 for them or anything because I know she wouldn't.

Hah, and she's the one who complains about how our neighbors don't even talk to us or help us out. If everybody's got her attitude, how would anyone cooperate?

So, anyway, yeah, she bitched at me in the car. I was pissed because I thought she would be happy about me being thoughtful. Instead, I got called an idiot and a bunch of other shit I can't translate.

Then I had to go pick up my brother. Freeway line was long, so I thought I'd stick to the main roads. Wrong choice. As soon as I switched out of the long ass line, Mother bitches at me even more, again calling me a fuckin' idiot for leaving the long ass line. Traffic on the main roads is just as bad, so there was no point. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I don't drive in East Side all that often.

So, at that point, I couldn't handle it anymore and started crying. Of course, it was silent 'cause she would have bitched at me even more for being a little crying bitch. She made me do a U-turn and get on the freeway. And as soon as we're on the freeway, Brother calls and says that he has to work an extra shift so we don't need to pick him up anymore. Fuuck. I got bitched at for nothing.


I think I should find a good job and move the fuck out. I can't handle my family anymore. Seriously, I wish all these years with them could toughen me up and make me immune to anger. But I think they just made me weaker. I always feel like shit when they're around now. Always. I'm not even overstating anything. Every time they're around, I feel like crap, like I can't do shit right, like I'm not good enough.

When I'm around friends or strangers, I just feel inferior, and that's ok haha. When I'm around my mom or my brother, I feel like nothing, like I shouldn't be here.

I have a love-hate relationship with my family, and I don't think that's right. But like I said before, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Unfortunately, we're just too fucked up for that. Or I am, I don't know.