I probably strongly dislike my job.

I was a mostly-A student, but I've never felt smart.

School taught me how to follow the rules and pass tests. I don't think I learned how to create my own. I don't know how to think on my feet.

The workforce wants innovative people. I just know how to think inside a pre-defined box. Even if I find the courage to step out of that box, where the fuck do I go?

I feel stuck. Again. I've trapped myself here. And I don't want to help myself get out because I'm too scared.

I don't know what I want to do. I just know I don't like my job. I used to think I'd be okay just working some job and getting by. But now I don't feel that way anymore. But I don't know how to figure out what I want to do.

To be honest, I just dislike my job because it has been changing too often and it now requires me to interact with people outside of my team. Even if it's just email interaction, I can't stand it. I don't know why. Before, I was emailing members of my team. Now, I'm emailing a few more people. It's such a minor change, but it feels like my mind and my body are having a major adverse reaction to it. And I can't make my mind not react the way it does.

What is wrong with me?

My mind is all over the place again. I'm unhappy with my job, but I feel like I'm only unhappy because it's slightly pushing me out of my comfort zone. It's just a small test. A normal person would learn the new work and get used to it.

A lot of people would be willing to take my place at this job. Maybe I should let them. I surely don't want this job. I just need it.

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I just want some peace of mind. I want to feel like I'm doing work that actually adds some good into this world. But I also want to make enough money to live comfortably.

But again, I'm too afraid to explore. I don't know where to start looking. I'm afraid to fail. But I also feel like staying where I am is slowly killing me.

I either need to suck it up and do something soon or just wait until I explode to do something haha. I should make the healthier decision, but you know I've always been the opposite of smart and courageous.