Question 1

I'm gonna try this new thing. Ask me a question and I'll answer it publicly in an away message or blog. I won't answer all questions, but I'll try to be completely honest for whichever I do answer.

This is a step toward honesty, I guess.


One person has already asked me this today. Several other people, including Brother, have asked me these questions before.

Q: You're in college. You need to start dating. Why haven't you asked anyone out on a date already? Why aren't you dating or in a relationship now? When are you gonna START DATING?

A: Because that's how my life has gone so far? Or maybe I'm just too picky? haha I don't really know why I haven't dated anyone. Just never got a good opportunity, I suppose.

I'm not dating now because I don't feel like it? Really, I don't like the whole "dating system." I prefer getting to know each other as friends and then taking it from there. I like the slow progression in friendship and relationship without the official dates. That just adds too much pressure on me -_- because I'd think about it too much.

Of course, this hasn't worked for me much because I seem to like the impatient types D: They don't want to take things slow. They just want me to ask them out, just like that -snaps finger- But that's not how I operate. So I'm waiting for someone who wants to take things slow.

And I'm also very good at being "just a friend" :P Soo good at it that I'm always eventually put into the Friend Zone hahaha. How sad.

Plus, I don't just ask someone out because I really gotta feel like I know them well enough. We gotta connect on some level. Both emotionally and physically.

And I dunno when. We'll see what happens. If I meet someone I really like, if they make it obvious (and I mean really obvious) that they want something more. Only then would I even consider trying anything haha. You already know I'm really shy. I don't wanna do something without feeling some sense of security before I embarrass myself.

And really, I'm still scared. I've had more than enough of those yes-then-no answers, ok? (Two times is enough to hurt my pride, you know) Not only do I want to be sure of my own feelings for someone, but I want them to be sure of theirs too. I don't want someone to change their mind about me so quickly 'cause that hurts like fuckin' hell. I'm not gonna put myself through that again.


And damn it, why am I expected to be the one to ask someone else out? D: You're putting pressure on me!


Seriously though, I'm not sure if I would be ready for dating or a relationship haha. I'm too chicken to try anything with anyone if there was someone. And you know, it's likely gonna be a girl who I wanna be with haha. And I want things to go a certain way. Like with family and stuff. I wanna be able to introduce her to my family, but I know that won't happen. Well, she could probably meet Brother. I don't think I would ever introduce her to Mother, not even as a friend, because Mother gets too suspicious about my female friends. She won't say anything, but the way she talks lets me know she's thinking the wrong thing.

So part of the reasons I'm not trying to date anyone is family.

Another part is really I don't think I'm worth it. You could always possibly find someone better than me. Hm.

Haha I think about this too much. If I could boil this all down to the most basic thing, I would say I haven't dated and am not dating because I'm too afraid of so many different things that could happen. That's how it feels like. Afraid of family, afraid of heartbreak, afraid of my own insecurity, afraid of anything that could go wrong.

And I've already said, I wanna get this stuff right the first time. But chances of that happening are slim, so I'm not really trying all that hard for anything. And this makes me feel like a loser. And then I think, "Who would want a loser like me, who thinks so negatively of herself, who is too afraid?" -sigh- Yeah.

Haha besides, I always feel like I'm misinterpreting signals anyway XP I did misread signals every single time I liked someone in high school. Girls are so hard to read. It's not always that fun to figure them out 'cause I'm always thinking what-if's and that-can't-be's. I'd like to think that I'm somewhat easy to read compared to most other people. But then again, I dunno how people see me, so -shrug-


See? I wrote a lot about something. Though, I kinda wish I wrote a lot about some other thing XP But yeah, ask me a good question and let's see if I have much to say in reply, yeah? haha