I want to meet people. Maybe.

For the most part, I've been happy by myself for a while now. Loneliness doesn't make itself known as often as it used to.

But like I've said before, I want to meet someone and get to know them. I kinda want to explore. Meet new people. But I'm also afraid. Meeting new people is a scary experience for me sometimes. I dunno. I just need to get out of my head.

A significant portion of my friends is on all these new dating apps. Grindr and Jack'd for gay men. Tinder for everyone. A few friends here and there have been suggesting that I try online dating because "three years is a long time to not date." Even though I said I haven't reached that limit--really, is there a limit?--I've been curious to try Tinder. Not specifically to date. Just to meet people and have more first conversations. I don't meet new people very often. It would be nice to see new faces and hear new perspectives. Maybe I would connect with someone...

A part of me just wants to try this because I feel like I should open myself up more to life's possibilities. I've been keeping to myself and sticking to my established circles for a long time. And I feel like I haven't really given myself a chance to connect with someone new.

I'm also a little curious to see who would think I was interesting or attractive enough that they would want to talk to me haha. I honestly think very few would. But maybe that's just my lack of self-confidence talking or something.

I can't decide if I want to try it or not. I kinda want to meet people in a more organic, face-to-face manner, but I know the reality is it's not likely to happen. I'll have to ponder this some more.

Also, I'm trying to see if I can get to know this one person better. (And I used to not notice other people as much when I was interested in someone. Now, I notice other people, but I don't necessarily want to get to know them better.) Seems my few attempts have flopped; or they were always just badly timed. But I'll keep trying, I think. I dunno. I can't tell if they would be receptive. And I'm trying to get over this whole I-don't-want-to-be-rejected-and-ignored fear. I don't even know if my personality would appeal to them.

Then again, I've always assumed I wasn't anybody's type... Or I attract people that are not attractive to me in some way. Sooo yeah.

These kinds of thoughts make me feel like I'm in high school. Fretting about romance and connections and whatnot. Ugh. But I guess I really want someone here with me. I want to get close and be close to someone. I want a big spoon >.< haha. I want safety, security, warmth, love, understanding. I want someone to get me, to share life and memories with me in a way that I won't allow anyone else to. I want that.

But I don't think I'm letting myself get that. But I should.

For now, I'll just let myself get to know someone.