Awkward isn't really awkward.

Situations aren't always as awkward as I think they are. I know it. Sometimes, the situation is just "normal" and forgettable; in my head, it feels so awkward and becomes forever ingrained in my memory. But I've brought up these moments I've had with people, and they usually don't know or remember what I'm talking about--the few times people remember it, they said it was adorably awkward, or something to that effect >.<;; to which I don't even know how to respond o_o

The funny thing is it's only when I bring it up that I let go of that weird moment in time. If I never bring it up, I just keep thinking about it. I guess it's like getting closure when I do bring these moments up haha.

I think I'm getting more comfortable with people, therefore less awkward with them. I hope so. I think it's just the people I want to impress that make me fear awkwardness. But who do I want to impress nowadays? I suppose there's a person here and there.

I pay too much attention to what I'm (not) doing or saying when I'm around someone I don't know that well (but would like to get to know better). I notice that I feel like I'm staring too much at them, and they might think it's weird I'm staring; so I constantly avert my eyes. But then I realize I'm not looking at them enough, which might seem like I'm rude or I don't really care about them; so I try to look at them more. It's like a tug-o-war in my brain, trying to figure out how much attention I should pay to a person. I feel like whether I look at someone for too long or not long enough, it just makes me feel nervous. Like that person is judging me because I don't know how much I should look at them. Really, I know I'm judging myself for some stupid reason.

Long story short: I'm mentally stuck in high school.

Seriously, I'm trying to remind myself that I am no longer in high school and to remember that I am an adult. I should take on social relationships like a mature adult should. If I want to get to know someone better, I shouldn't wait for opportunities to talk to them. I should make an opportunity to talk to them.

But when I do, I just feel that awkward and self-conscious feeling wanting to creep in. Even though, I know everything I'm doing and saying is fine. "Normal."

I've also learned to embrace whatever awkwardness I create. Sometimes, I forget that I learned it. But I live in it. Might as well embrace it. Eventually, it just stops being awkward. It's working so far. At least with people I've gotten to know well enough. But I think that's the case for everyone, yeah?

Yeah, I'm thinking too much. Incoherent thoughts again.


Let's start over: I don't like or dislike awkward moments. They're just there, and I'm okay with that. But because they are there, I think about them more frequently than I should. But I've also gotten used to them and haven't made an effort to reduce the probability of them occurring. So what do I really think of awkward situations?

Actually, I don't even think of them too much anymore. Just right now, they're a prominent topic in my brain for no apparent reason. Okay, maybe it's an apparent reason. Meh.


Haha this really wasn't even about awkwardness. I just rambled about nothing. Just felt like blogging. It's been too long. Hopefully, I'll mention something of substance soon.