It's that heavy, sinking, drowning feeling.
I feel like I'm back in high school. I can't control this sadness. I can't control anything. I feel all this negativity and anger. But I feel nothing too.
God, I hate this mess of emotion.
I really wanted to believe I put it all completely behind me. I'm happy with where I am. I'm amazed that I'm here. Why can't I just keep this happiness going?
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just deluding myself into believing that I'm happier. Maybe I'm the same as I was years ago. No better off.
Everything that used to haunt me is still there. Most days, they're just there, but they don't bother me. They're not haunting anymore. But today, it feels like nothing ever changed.
I feel like that lost little kid again. I feel alone. And I feel like I hate myself.
Giving myself moments of calm...
A lot of bad news lately. Or maybe not. It just feels like it. And I don't want to face any of it.
I think my slightly rational side is recognizing that I'm starting to cut myself off from people again. I don't think it's showing. But I recognize something that happens--I don't know what it is, but it's there--when I'm about to push people away or distance myself. It's something I haven't done in so long. I was making so much progress.
I feel like I'm starting to give up on the progress. I don't want to, but I can't help it.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I hope that whatever clarity I might have is enough.
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