I'm terrible at keeping in touch.

Or maybe I just don't care to try harder.

I've recently been preoccupied by how well I stay in touch with people. Or rather how I don't keep in touch.

I finally deactivated my Facebook account on Monday. I logged in to check some info about Brother's birthday dinner. Then I decided to once and for all deactivate the account. I thought about deleting it completely, but I have memories on there that I would first like to save to a hard drive before I delete. But that might be a while or never. In any case, my account is deactivated. I don't think most friends noticed. That just attests to how much I talked to people on Facebook anyway. And the only people I ever really talked to on Facebook were people I already spoke to in person frequently.

So now that I'm no longer on Facebook and I've graduated from SJSU, I've been more reclusive than I used to be during vacations. Or I've been wanting to be more reclusive. Throughout October, I just wanted to be alone, except I went out to be surrounded by people just about every weekend. For important people's birthdays.

I'm hoping this mood I'm in will go away soon. Irritability is also accompanying this mood because while I wish to be alone, I'm never alone for long enough. Someone always has to interrupt my solitude before I'm ready. Why can't I just be alone when I want to be?

Anyway, I'm forgetting where this is supposed to go... Oh yeah, I'm horrible at keeping in touch. I've realized I rarely ever contact other people. Thus, I rarely talk to my friends. Shiva and I go days without talking before she eventually calls or texts me. Most of my friends and I go weeks or months without saying a word to each other. Seriously, I think they are always the ones contacting me, if they do at all. Even when Shiva and I were dating, or when I was pursuing her, I didn't call or text her first. It was her starting these conversations 95% of the time.

I'm accepting that that's just how I am and really how I've always been. When I used to start conversations with people, I felt like I had to force myself sometimes. I'm not forcing myself anymore. I hope none of my friends take it personally, if they've noticed. It's not that they're not special or important enough for me to keep in touch with them. I just don't naturally do that. We'll talk when we talk.

Is it strange that I'm ok with this? Is it bad? Or am I really just being lazy and unappreciative of my friends?

I dunno. I feel like I appreciate my friends. When we do talk. When we make time for each other. When I remember our shared experiences. I just don't feel like calling anyone. Or texting them. I never do. I think I feel guilty but not. I dunno how to explain it... I guess this kinda makes me feel abnormal. Never really trying to contact my friends. Never really starting the conversation.

Blah. My thoughts are going on to a related topic, but I don't want to talk about that one here. So I think I'm done with this topic for now.


Something completely unrelated:
Last night was Halloween. We hadn't handed out candy pretty much since I was in high school. Mother didn't want to hand out candy this year either. She was afraid someone would use the holiday to rob us. But I felt bad for the little kiddies. So the idea was to leave a bowl of candy outside the door and leave it be. Except when the first three or four trick-or-treaters came, Mother kept opening the door to greet them because they sounded adorable. I pointed out that it defeated the purpose of leaving the candy out. So I told her to either take the bowl in and just hand it out as the kids came or stop opening the door. She got mad at me for pointing out the not-very-smart nature of her actions.

Every year when Halloween comes around, she's always talking about how someone could use kids as decoys for us to open the door and the adults could rush in once the door's open. The bowl was there to prevent such an occurrence. She was basically "putting herself in danger" last night. Why did I get in trouble for trying to "save her"? -_- So annoyed.

Oh well. At least I enjoyed Halloween with a Scream marathon. I realized I had only watched the first and third installment before yesterday. But going through all four movies was fun. I was so close to getting through all four movies without jumping -w-" Jumped twice during the fourth movie. Rawr. So close. Anyway, yay for meta comedy horror!


Ooh, btw, I celebrated Brother's birthday with his friends for the first time on Monday. We went to Grill 'Em Steakhouse. It was interesting to watch him get drunker as the night went on. I met his friends, but I didn't really talk to any of them. I was being the oddball, quiet younger sister. It was awkward. I really didn't try to talk to anyone. Maybe I should have tried. Oh well. What's done is done.

At least Brother was happy I was there :) So the awkwardness was worth it, I guess haha.


Anyway, two months until 2013 starts. 2012 has flown by so quickly. I still remember the events of this year so well. It's been a life-changing year. Well, just like any other, but more so in certain aspects of my life. More dancing. More awareness. More positive feelings and mindset. More getting-to-a-good-place. But also more irritability. More drama. More loss.

I wonder what 2013 will bring. Probably more of the same haha.

Halloween fun....

What do I remember from the past week?

...

Last Monday and Tuesday are totally gone from memory.

Wednesday the 27th, I had a midterm in PHIL 57. It was more challenging than I expected XP I forgot something about truth tables and had to go back to fix it. I had thought I would be out after thirty minutes at most, but I ended up spending almost all the class time fixing truth tables -_- How sad.

For QTIP, there was supposed to be a movie (Hocus Pocus) and a potluck. I brought biscotti haha. And a can of Monster, which was Brother's. Mother had wanted to throw it out, but I thought it was a waste. So I brought it to give to someone. Gave it to Rahul. Spent the next fifteen minutes trying to open the can after the tab broke off. Used a pencil, a fork, a paintbrush, and other things. It wouldn't open. How strange. Eventually, Rahul and Shiva pounded a nail into the top of the can twice. White stuff came out o_o Then another guy finally realized that the can didn't have liquid in it; it was a Monster can that was converted into a cannister -_- I thought it was odd that I didn't hear any sloshing. I hadn't really heard of this, so the thought never crossed my mind. But anyway, we destroyed the can, trying to open it haha. Everyone wanted to open it up to see if anything was in there. At first, I refused because it was Brother's. But then I thought it was his fault for leaving the can in the fridge without telling me what it really was. We got it open, and it was empty, except for remnants of weed apparently. Threw away the can and stuff. Went back to the movie. Sadly, I only watched about the first ten minutes of it before I had to leave. Used to love that movie; I'll watch it again sometime on my own -nods-

On Thursday, hmm, my Philosophy of Religion class was talking about reincarnation. When I spoke, I mentioned that one of the writers, who was disputing the Christian notion of resurrection, made me think that her argument could support the higher probability of the existence of zombies than the possibility of Christian resurrection. hahaha zombies XD I can't believe I said that; I can't believe my prof liked my idea and noted it down in her book XD

In Q&A, we had a mummy contest/pageant. That was strange. Though we recycled all the toilet paper, I still think it was a waste. But it was fun, I guess XP Next meeting (this Thursday), Diwali meeting. Festival of Lights? Yeah, it will be interesting...

Mm, Friday morning, I went to the doctor for a check-up. It seems I may have thalassemia o_o Have to get my blood tested sometime this week, probably Friday. Fun.

Anyway, afterward, I went to campus to help Shiva make pumpkin pies for her party. That was fun. Making pumpkin pies is somewhat blargh because you want your food to be good and you don't really know if it will be good.

We also went to BevMo with Marian to buy Buttershot Scnhapps to make butterbeer. Shiva also bought a Japanese beer, Blood, and a mini Bailey's. Back to Shiva's place to finish the pies and prepare for the party.

People who showed up: Marian; Ly and Keith (They left way early); Jay and Veronica (They left early too but later than Ly and Keith); Crystal and Karishma (They left after Jay and Veronica, I think); Craig M; Alisa; Harrison; Jenn; JD (showed up for a lil while, but left to care for a friend at another party); Hannah, Craig R (a guy I hadn't met before), and Luis (They came late, coming off from a shift at Halloween Haunt). I think that was all of us.

I didn't drink much. Some butterbeer (It wasn't as good as last year's probably because the butterscotch schnapps was a different brand); some Bailey's mixed with vanilla extract or something; some Pina Colada that Jenn made. Also tried a bit of Craig M's Blackthorn (fermented apple cider?). That's about it. I didn't drink enough to even get tipsy. Why? Because I realize I do not enjoy alcohol all that much. So I meant when I said I won't drink much if at all at parties from now on. It's just better that way. Besides, even a lil bit of alcohol makes me sleepy XD

Hmm, Craig M had brought his iTouch. Listened to music, some dance and some rock/metal. Interesting mix on Pandora haha. Especially while playing Apples to Apples. So fun XD

Haha at one point, Craig M knocked over all my Skittles XP So sad. Helped him collect Skittles off the carpet. Drinks weren't spilled until the last hour or so of the party XD Well, actually, I guess Sabrina, Shiva's roommate, knocked over her cup of milk or tea or something on the couch before the party started :P But anyway, yeah, sticky.

It was raining outside at 5 in the morning when the last couple of people left. Harrison and Alisa escorted Jenn home because she had to walk over a block. Not safe in downtown, especially at that time -nodnod- Apparently, Harrison ended up sleeping in his SUV for the night XP because he promised Alisa he wouldn't drive home.

Shiva and I wiped down all the surfaces before we went to bed. We were sooo tired x_x

Saturday, some more cleaning. Went to Target with Marian and Sabrina. Back to Shiva's. Didn't really do much. Didn't have the motivation -_- Somehow, we went to bed at 2 in the morning. Sunday morning, I didn't want to get up, even though Shiva was telling me to get up, so that we could study. Got up too late. Mother called around noon, saying she was gonna stop by campus to pick me up /: No studying done this past weekend. My fault, sorry.

Today was all right. Went to PHIL 57 to see if the prof finished grading the midterms, but he hadn't. So I stayed in class, looking up classes I might want for next semester. I get to enroll on November 17, nine days after registration opens :O So early. Must be my prospective senior status. Sweet.

When I went to Shiva's place, we kinda compared classes we wanted. We're probably gonna take our research methods classes together. Maybe Criminology, but the choice of instructors and times suck -_- We'll see what will happen with that. I'm probably gonna take Global Society next semester, since Prof Cox will be teaching all three sections that are offered; well, hopefully, the Sociology department doesn't switch profs around -_-

Oh, and it seems that the majority of Sociology courses offered next semester will be Tuesday/Thursday classes D: So far the three classes I know I want to take for sure are Tuesday/Thursday; two of which are back-to-back. If I decide to take Criminology on TTh, then I'll have four classes back-to-back two days a week, and two free days. Could I survive that kind of schedule? I have no idea. Probably not. That's like six hours of classes with three fifteen-minute breaks in between.

I'm also planning to take an online Philosophy course about computers XD That would be awesome. I wanted to take that this semester, but the class filled up really quickly before I got a chance to sign up. It seems that the prof for the online course is much much better (more helpful) than the other prof who teaches in a classroom.

Also may take an elective instead of Criminology, which I need for my major. Elective for SJSU Studies (The Phil course about computers fulfills one of the electives here). Either Human Sexuality or Sound & Communication.

Or I could take another Sociology course for my major. Quite a list I have: Social Change, LGBT Studies, Socialization & Identity, Sexualities...

So, yeah, four or five classes next semester. If I feel crazy enough, I might go for six. But for now, I'm aiming for five. Can't wait to choose and enroll. Hope I get my first choices.

And whoa, I can't believe there's only about five weeks of classes left and then finals week. So faaast :O Still need to do two research papers and stuff. I mean, my philosophy of religion paper is due the week of Thanksgiving, and two weeks after, it's the last week of classes. Ahhh, I hope next semester doesn't go this fast because I wanna enjoy and savor (haha) Shiva's last semester at SJSU -nodnodnodnod- Happy and sad.....

Mm, oh so there's gonna be two long weekends this month, yay! Veterans' Day weekend and Thanksgiving weekend. Woot woot! haha just thought I'd let you know. Though, I guess I'll have a lot of work to do during Veterans' Day weekend /: But Thanksgiving weekend should be free of most work; I hope so.


Anyway, that's all for now. I'm tired, falling asleep. Should go to bed soon. Hope people vote tomorrow XP Ok, good night!

Great America's Halloween Haunt

Last Saturday, I went to the Halloween Haunt with mostly members of Q&A (Shiva, Billy, Matt, Nichols, Justin, Ash, Jason, Michelle, Crystal, Karishma, Thien, Thien's friend, Vivi, Steven). Met up with Q&A members from other colleges. Except I didn't interact with any of them XP

Went through the Slaughterhouse with Q&A members. Held Shiva's hand through it because she wanted to witness me getting scared. But it didn't really happen XP Oh, Luis, a member of QTIP, was the last ghoul we all saw in the maze. He did like a kinda dance or something XD And apparently, Billy gave him a hug, even though the talent (performers) and customers aren't supposed to have physical contact with each other.

I think Steven bought a plastic light-up, double-blade sword. Or he looked at it. I don't remember. As the group headed past the electric chair (that was interesting; made me think interesting things), Shiva decided she wanted to go back and watch the Fangs performance. So she and I left the group to go back toward the Slaughterhouse. Went inside the theater or whatever it is. Hannah met up with us in there. The musical was ok. I didn't think the singers were that great >_> Only recognized one song, which was "Psycho" by Puddle of Mudd.

After, the three of us headed over toward The Grizzly 'cause that's where Q&A went. They had just gotten off the ride when we arrived. Shiva was sad because she wanted to go on it. So Ash agreed to go on the ride again with her :) Everyone else wanted to go on Drop Zone -_- I did not. So I went with Hannah to Werewolf Canyon. Waited in a really loooong line -_- We got to talking about Halloween and other stuff. It was interesting conversation.

I learned that the performers inside the mazes get heckled and harassed a lot ): Wtf? People are paying to come in to bother the workers -_- What assholes. Hannah told me about a time she was working in one of the mazes. A guy and two girls came through. So she scared them. Then the girls started humping her -_- and then the guy started bumping her, saying "Huh, huh. Whatchu want? Whatchu gonna do?" and stuff like that. When they left, Hannah notified the (I forgot what they're called) people dressed in black who stand silently in the darkness with flashlights, and the three problem children were tossed out of Halloween Haunt :) Yay, happy endings.

Anyway, when we were close to the front, Shiva texted me and said that everyone else wanted to meet up with us or something. So spent a while giving directions. Mostly, it was Hannah who gave directions 'cause she's better at it haha. Eventually, everyone gave up on trying to find Werewolf Canyon XD except Shiva :3 So Hannah and I waited at the front of the line until Shiva arrived. One of the managers had been standing at the front of the line and told us we were cutting >_> We were just like "Oh? Really? That's cutting? We were just waiting for our friend to catch up to us..." But anyway, we got in. Fun maze :P

After Werewolf Canyon, we went to Carn Evil, Cornstalkers (because Hannah's boyfriend was supposed to be working, but sadly we came when he was on break), and Toy Factory.

All of these mazes were interesting haha. I can't say I was genuinely scared, but it was fun listening to other people scream >_> I remember in Carn Evil (yay for glowy-ness :D), people behind us were too freaked out so they started dancing and singing. Apparently, I was also moving too slow, so they passed us. I liked staring at all the creepy costumes, especially when they're not moving. Then you can try figure out which ones are actually people and which are props.

I think the last thing the three of us did was go on Drop Zone T-T I didn't wanna gooo. But in the end, while I was waiting in line with Shiva and Hannah, I decided I would. For Shiva XP

Took off my hat, my shoes, and other stuff. The ride was really quick. The slow ride up built up my anxiety T-T According to Shiva, I was saying, "This is soo high! DX" Though, I thought she was the only one saying that, not me. When the ride clicked at the top, all I thought was "Oh shit! What the fuck am I doing? In two seconds, this thing is gonna dro--" Drop ;-; I tried really hard to curl up into a ball with the harness in the way. I think I was also holding Shiva's hand haha XP Haha apparently, the ride pushed the air out of her lungs, making her yell. Hannah, on the other hand, just yelled for fun XP I didn't yell or scream. I can't.

I was so happy when the ride was over haha. Glad to be alive. Though my head didn't feel all that great anymore @_@ and I was kinda shaky. Seriously, that ride scared me more than all the mazes combined T-T I can't believe Shiva wants me to go on a whole bunch of roller coasters with her. Will I do it? ;-; I might.

I think we were all done and ready to leave about thirty minutes after midnight. Hannah left us to go pick up her boyfriend. Shiva and I reunited with the Q&A members :P

I was exhausted XP Lots of walking around that night. Then off to Denny's, yay. I don't remember much from Denny's. My brain wanted to shut off XD I had fallen asleep in Michelle's car on the drive to Denny's, so yeah haha.

I may have fallen asleep again going back to campus, but I don't remember XD

Saturday night was fun, but I don't remember too much. I do know I want to go to haunted places now haha.

Anyway, slept over at Shiva's. Waking up on Sunday was good. Then sad stuff happened in the afternoon ): but we're good now. Went home that night. Didn't get that much work done that weekend XP Baaad.

This past week has been all right. Monday, I skipped my 100W class 'cause my head wasn't feeling good. Followed Shiva to Prof Cate's Human Sexuality class at 10h30. I wanna take this class o: Anyway, we went there, met up with Alisa, Mackenzie, and Billy. Yay for queer panels. Sasha came soon after. I joined in on the class, sat in the audience. Just wanted to see how a queer panel works. I'm not that comfortable with talking to a large group of strangers about me, so I just sat back and paid attention. Next time, I might join a panel. But yeah, it was good and informative. Learn things about people's opinions and experiences. I was quite surprised to find out that none of the speakers had ever been subjected to hate crimes or anything close. But I'm also glad.


Well, that's that. I feel like these weeks are passing by so quickly. I don't remember half of what I do -_- It's sad. What's going on?

Half my semester is over already. Next semester's class schedule comes out November 1st. This is just crazy fast.

Mm, what else?
I don't have to show up to my 100W class for the next three weeks; instead, I show up to Brook's office on Monday for a fifteen-minute research paper conference, and that's it.
Tuan wants to go watch Saw VII as a group like back in high school. This time, we will try to make it happen. I wouldn't mind catching up with the guys.
Shiva's having a get-together thing at her dorm on Friday :)

I dunno what else I've got planned other than taking last midterms, keeping up with readings and such, and writing papers for my classes -_- Two research papers. Not fun ): I dislike research papers sooo much. I feel slightly overwhelmed and like I'm falling behind in school T-T Just need to last another eight or so weeks. I can do this.


Mm, I wish I had something more substantial to say about my life, but what can I say? It's going all right. I spend most of my time on campus with Shiva. I stay up too late on most nights. But I get my work done on time somehow o_o

Blah. I want to remember more of my day-to-day life. Meh. C'est la vie, eh?

First half of October 2010 is a blur...

Saturday, October 2: Spirit of Japantown Festival. Went with Shiva and Marian. Ran into some friends here and there. Had a snow cone thing from the Manju shop. So tasty. Snow cap and azuki beans! XD

Monday, October 4, I think Shiva and I went to the Great Mall. Was really hot that day.

Don't really remember what I've been doing. That's not new XP

Shiva's netbook died last Thursday (Oct 7) ): It was a sad day. Computer Services at SJSU isn't all that good >_> Very slow. They said they'd work on her netbook immediately, and two days later they still hadn't started.

They managed to recover only about 16% of her D drive ): Backed it up on my external drive. Been letting Shiva borrow my netbook. Mother has been wondering when I'll get my computer back haha. I'm just like "whenever my friend doesn't need it anymore."

Sunday, October 10, there was a Queer Dance Committee meeting. I'm actually participating in something. Or trying to. Came up with dance theme ideas and such. Was interesting. No Lady GaGa themes. I would never go to such a thing -_-
But yeah, seems like the Queer Dance of this semester will either be on the last day of semester (Dec 9) or in late February. Hope it's this semester. Would really like to reward myself for getting through this semester. Even though, finals would be the week after -_-

Monday, October 11, was National Coming Out Day. I forgot about it >_> Missed the bbq that the LGBT Resource Center hosted. Oops.

The Dalai Lama came to campus on Wednesday the 13th. Forgot about that too. But there was a lot of security around the Event Center that day -nods-

Today, I went to campus to hang out with Shiva. We and Marian L went to Fry's to buy a hard drive and other stuff. Then to In N Out in Santa Clara. Had some trouble finding our way back, but we did it. Back to campus for a QTIP officer meeting. I'm not an officer, but I'm kinda involved >_> It's weird. I don't know.

Meeting: Pushing for the queer dance to be at the end of this semester. Wanting to change the direction of the club. Planning to change QTIP's name to something more social and less activist, more easily recognized yet maybe less frightening/overly flamboyant (in terms of rainbowy-ness). Problem is the name QTIP already has a reputation. Changing it would mean we'd have to kinda start over but not really...


I'm pretty sure a lot has been going on with me lately, but I just can't recall much of anything. Just a lot of Shiva time XD

Ooh, going to Great America's Halloween Haunt tomorrow with Q&A :D Can't wait. $25 with the group discount. Awesome. Haven't been to a haunted thing before. So I hope it's good. Gonna see a bunch of performances, go through mazes, go on rides, and more.

Tomorrow morning, Mother and D wanna go to Half Moon Bay to check out California's largest pumpkin. So I'll probably go with them to see that. Then I'll get dropped off on campus to get a ride to Great America later in the day.

So many heat waves. In the middle of October D: It makes me sad T-T Do not want heat. Want cold. Where's the cold? Supposed to be a lil bit cooler tomorrow. Supposedly rain on Sunday. We'll see.


Anyway, should get started on a paper for my 100W class. Shiva wants me to do it now >_< She's right. I shouldn't be so lazy and distracted and such.

Hope you're having a good semester/quarter/October/etc.... Ok, bye!

Maybe the third time's the charm

Last night, I went to a small dorm party hosted by Shiva and her roomies. I think I got there around 7 PM. Got introduced to her friends. Though, I only remember the names of three people: JD, Hannah, Jonathan. Watched Iron Chef or something. Then we watched Edward Scissorhands, American Psycho, and Nightmare on Elm Street III. I passed out when they were playing Soul Caliber III.

I didn't eat much and drank too much haha. I tried not to. But peer pressure! haha... I didn't eat much because I thought that would stop me from drinking a lot XP I was soo wrong.

There was butterbeer (know where that's from?), vodka, champagne, and whiskey. Egh. I can't believe I drank even more this time. You'd think that I would learn by now haha.

So yes, there was puking involved. But I don't remember most of what happened. I still feel nauseous right now but better than this morning. Kept puking when I woke up this morning. Had to think of croissants to temporarily stop the nausea. I don't know why that helped, but it did. Was supposed to go pick up the brother from his friend's place. But I couldn't get up without the nausea. I finally got up at 12.

Shiva gave me a change of clothes and then walked me to my car. Ran into JD (everyone left sometime this morning, after I passed out). Continued to the car. Talked about random stuff.


So anyway, this time, for real, no more alcohol. I mean it. It's not even that fun to be drunk. I think I'm repeating myself, but this time I'm really gonna stay sober. I hate feeling like shit the next day. From now on, I'll just be the designated driver haha. I'll feel better about myself that way.

Ugh, I hope the nausea goes away by tomorrow. Doesn't feel like it will, but yeah. I think the trying to remember what happened last night is making me nauseous. I should stop, shouldn't I? But I can't help it. I want to remember things other than getting drunk.


Hmm, trying to remember other stuff from last night... I was texting Harrison last night. Started when I was sober, ended when I was drunk. I think Shiva sent the last text for me because I was too tired to look at my phone anymore :P Uhh, there was a jack-o-lantern. Domo on one side, Hello Kitty on the other. Tried to light the candle in the pumpkin three different ways. Apparently, someone got shot near the Seventh Street Parking Garage (I didn't know till this morning when I checked my texts). Got to know Shiva a lil better because I kept saying that I didn't really know anyone at the party.

Thank you, Shiva, for taking care of me haha.

We're hella tight now haha. You know why? Because taking care of someone who's puking their guts out is what good friends do. And it's rather intimate, don't you think? Haha yeaah.


Anyway, I have a shitload of Facebook messages to answer. Yay. So I'm gonna deal with that and maybe go back to bed. Or read a book. As long as I can take my mind off my stomach, it's all good. Ugh, I still smell alcohol. So gross.


Peace out.