I never want to date a girl...

who loves expensive jewelry, who buys that shit at least once a month. I can't stand it. It's a waste of money. Jewelry does nothing for you except maybe make you stand out. Excessive jewelry makes you look arrogant. Showing off your jewelry makes you look like a snob. I honestly don't know what the appeal is of diamonds and stuff. If I could, I would give away all my jewelry to people who love it.

Mother keeps buying all this shit, wasting money that we barely have. Why? Because she wants to wear a lot of different jewelry. I don't know why. She's already got a bunch of stuff. I want to tell her to stop buying the fucking things, but I don't want a repeat of the last time I was uncooperative. I don't need her to put me down just because I wouldn't spend money on her (It's not even my or her money to spend).

Please, tell me I'm not gonna date a girl like my mom. I can't stand it when people waste money on frivolous things like expensive jewelry, unless they're rich and they can afford this shit. Toys, ok. Collector's items, go for it. But jewelry, no.

I think I just dislike jewelry because all it is a sign of wealth and a way to show off. The sad part is Mother doesn't even wear half the stuff she buys. Why? She doesn't want to show off and get robbed. Then what the fuck is the point of buying this useless crap? Because she wants to show them off.

She does not see the error of her ways, and that's just fucking sad.

So yeah, I don't want to date anyone who cares so much about jewelry. Fake jewelry is whatever, I don't care. Expensive jewelry (that you're afraid to wear) is a big no-no. Expensive jewelry that you don't need, that isn't even useful, that wastes what little money you have, it's all shit. I can understand when you have a large income, you want to show it, fine, it's YOUR money. If you didn't work for some of that money, don't fucking spend someone else's money for something you don't need. Unless they give you permission.

Grrr.. You know, I'm not saying I won't buy jewelry for my future whoever. It's just I don't want them to expect me to buy them things that they think they deserve. I want them to accept and appreciate any gifts I buy. I just don't want them expecting me to bend over backwards just to get some useless thing that won't even mean anything.

Besides, as a person, you're biased as to what you think you do or do not deserve. Hell, you're biased about what you think others deserve (I know I am).

And you know I'm not saying that people who wear jewelry are idiots or anything like that. I wear jewelry. Not really by choice, but I do. I like my necklace because I like that it represents my faith in Buddhism. I like my ring because it's supposed to be something I share with my brother (and it's just simple, almost minimalist). Earrings, well, I've been wearing earrings since before I can remember, so wearing earrings is just a habit I don't take off. I could do away with the bracelets. Not a big fan of bracelets.

Really, this entry is just me complaining about wasting money on things when you don't have that much money. And I really don't see how jewelry can make a person happy. But that's just me. I'm different, I know. I think I'm just a minimalist by nature. Or mostly minimalist. But if I could, I would give a lot of things away and still be happy with what I have left. Everything that I would leave myself with has a lot of sentimental value, maybe not enough utility. Ah, I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore.

I was just really pissed when I started this entry. Could have something to do with Mother pushing her agenda on me. Expecting me to buy things for her when I have a job. It's not the spending that I have a problem with. It's her expectation that I owe her anything. Yes, she's my mother. Yes, she's taken care of me since I was born. Yes, many of the things she has done for me deserve recompense. But I don't like it when people do things because they expect something in return. And that's the image she is projecting of herself to me. I will take care of her, give her money, do whatever to make her happy in the future. She's my mother. But I want to do these things because I care, not because she expects me to do them.

Doing things people expect you to do is not always satisfying. It makes me feel like a doormat. Like I can't think for myself. Like nothing has been my decision.

Yeah, that's how I've really felt all these years. That I'm a robot who takes orders. Who is not allowed to have her own good intentions.

Ahh, I really need to get out. I'm feeling worse by the day. I want to complain more, but I shouldn't. I just wish I could somehow be...

Better. In so many ways. I want to feel adequate, but it's not gonna happen.

Aye, someone please tell me what is wrong with me and my way of thinking. I feel so wrong..

No understanding. No respect. Nothing.

So this morning, Mother asked me to look for a pair of earrings on the GemsTV website. I did. Couldn't find it. Haven't been able to find it for the past three days.

The first thing she says: What is your problem? I think D was right about you. If you get a lot of money in the future, you're not gonna give any to me. Why do you treat me like that? I'm your mother. You treat your friends better than you treat me. You're probably going to leave me to die alone in a poor place, aren't you?

She misconstrued what D said. He told her she shouldn't put so much faith into any one person. Trust, but don't put your whole life in someone else's life. People can change as time goes by. I might become self-absorbed and selfish. D wasn't talking about me specifically. He was just warning her. But of course, close-minded people don't think in hypothetical situations..

I don't treat my friends better. I treat my friends equally. I give, they give. I help, they help. I listen, they listen. Usually, that's how it works.

I spend money on my friends, knowing that they'll repay me with money, food, advice, or meaningful conversation. And they won't be condescending. Besides, I usually just spot them money for food, a necessity.

Jewelry is not a necessity. Buying jewelry when our family doesn't have much money is not wise. She already has a lot of jewelry. Why the fuck does she need more? Why can't she wait until our money situation is better? I feel like she's trying to rack up more debt again. Of course, I'm not happy about that.

If she hasn't noticed, I have foregone several expensive trips with my friends to save our family money. I even gave up Expo :( But she doesn't hear me complaining. All I'm trying to do is have a fun and relaxing summer with my friends. Only got to see them at most once a week this summer. I could ignore her and go out every day, wasting money. But I don't. I wish she would just stop wasting money on things she doesn't need.

I'm wishing for a lot of things. I want her to stop spending on unnecessary things. I want her to stop getting mad at me because I don't agree that she needs jewelry. I'm the one who should be mad at her. If she wants to waste money, waste it herself. I want her to stop asking me to waste it for her.

If minimalism was a lifestyle, it would be mine. Compared to me, Mother is a spendthrift. That would be fine with me if we had a lot of money, if she wouldn't antagonize me by calling me cheap and unfilial.

Filial piety should be earned, not given without scrutiny. But of course, my opinion doesn't matter. I can't wait till I can fucking leave.

I understand that she likes buying pretty things and whatever. I mean, I don't understand the need for it, but I know she wants what she wants. Just like I want what I want. But I wish she would try to understand where I'm coming from, instead of ignoring what I have to say. Fuck it. I never say what I think. I just do what she wants so I don't get in trouble. I do it all with disdain and a hesitancy. And I guess she finally picked up on it. Now, she's bitching about it.

And you know, I HATE that she assumes I won't take care of her when I'm older. All because I don't agree with her spending compulsions. I mean, what the fuck?? She's taken care of me since I was born. Of course, I'll return the favor. Not because we're family. Because it's just right. I can't believe she doesn't believe in me. This hurts..

I hate that she makes me feel the way I do. I'm never gonna get her respect. I'm never gonna be good enough. She already thinks I'm gonna drop my family from my life as soon as I can. Do I really seem like I'll do that? I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't help but be the way I am. Maybe I shouldn't be around anymore, if she really feels that way, if I'm really like that.


Love without respect. Respect without respect. What's the point?