No understanding. No respect. Nothing.

So this morning, Mother asked me to look for a pair of earrings on the GemsTV website. I did. Couldn't find it. Haven't been able to find it for the past three days.

The first thing she says: What is your problem? I think D was right about you. If you get a lot of money in the future, you're not gonna give any to me. Why do you treat me like that? I'm your mother. You treat your friends better than you treat me. You're probably going to leave me to die alone in a poor place, aren't you?

She misconstrued what D said. He told her she shouldn't put so much faith into any one person. Trust, but don't put your whole life in someone else's life. People can change as time goes by. I might become self-absorbed and selfish. D wasn't talking about me specifically. He was just warning her. But of course, close-minded people don't think in hypothetical situations..

I don't treat my friends better. I treat my friends equally. I give, they give. I help, they help. I listen, they listen. Usually, that's how it works.

I spend money on my friends, knowing that they'll repay me with money, food, advice, or meaningful conversation. And they won't be condescending. Besides, I usually just spot them money for food, a necessity.

Jewelry is not a necessity. Buying jewelry when our family doesn't have much money is not wise. She already has a lot of jewelry. Why the fuck does she need more? Why can't she wait until our money situation is better? I feel like she's trying to rack up more debt again. Of course, I'm not happy about that.

If she hasn't noticed, I have foregone several expensive trips with my friends to save our family money. I even gave up Expo :( But she doesn't hear me complaining. All I'm trying to do is have a fun and relaxing summer with my friends. Only got to see them at most once a week this summer. I could ignore her and go out every day, wasting money. But I don't. I wish she would just stop wasting money on things she doesn't need.

I'm wishing for a lot of things. I want her to stop spending on unnecessary things. I want her to stop getting mad at me because I don't agree that she needs jewelry. I'm the one who should be mad at her. If she wants to waste money, waste it herself. I want her to stop asking me to waste it for her.

If minimalism was a lifestyle, it would be mine. Compared to me, Mother is a spendthrift. That would be fine with me if we had a lot of money, if she wouldn't antagonize me by calling me cheap and unfilial.

Filial piety should be earned, not given without scrutiny. But of course, my opinion doesn't matter. I can't wait till I can fucking leave.

I understand that she likes buying pretty things and whatever. I mean, I don't understand the need for it, but I know she wants what she wants. Just like I want what I want. But I wish she would try to understand where I'm coming from, instead of ignoring what I have to say. Fuck it. I never say what I think. I just do what she wants so I don't get in trouble. I do it all with disdain and a hesitancy. And I guess she finally picked up on it. Now, she's bitching about it.

And you know, I HATE that she assumes I won't take care of her when I'm older. All because I don't agree with her spending compulsions. I mean, what the fuck?? She's taken care of me since I was born. Of course, I'll return the favor. Not because we're family. Because it's just right. I can't believe she doesn't believe in me. This hurts..

I hate that she makes me feel the way I do. I'm never gonna get her respect. I'm never gonna be good enough. She already thinks I'm gonna drop my family from my life as soon as I can. Do I really seem like I'll do that? I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't help but be the way I am. Maybe I shouldn't be around anymore, if she really feels that way, if I'm really like that.


Love without respect. Respect without respect. What's the point?