No Gay, Okay?

So last night, Mother and I got to Elmwood around 2130. Told the officer at the front desk that we were there to pick up the brother. He told us that Tony would be released between 0000 and 0100. So Mother and I sat in the waited. Nearly three hours. I was sore from sitting so long. Mother watched TV. Local channel 36. Scrubs, Frasier, some live comedy show. I brought a book. Finished half of it by the time Tony got out at 0015.

On the way home (I drove), Mother spent the time criticizing and complaining either about my driving or my brother's past and future actions, some of which obviously haven't happened yet.

When we were home, I went straight to bed. Tony stayed up to use his laptop. To think about how different it feels to be on the outside again. Two months is a lengthy time, though not so long that he would cry about being home again.


Anyway, this morning, Mother woke me up at 1100 because Tony and I have dentist appointments at 1500. But of course, I was too tired to get up. Getting to bed at 0100 is no fun anymore, especially after I kept myself awake by reading a book XP (of course, you know reading makes me sleepy)

Lots of dreams, which I do not remember :/ So much for trying to remember them.

Anyway, Mother sat down on the floor and talked to me. Most of the conversation is a blur now. I only remember one part though.

I keep my tanto near the head of my air mattress. Mother saw it and laughed. She joked about how if someone broke into the house, I would be able to slash them and save the family. "You should have been born a boy -laughs-" I just smile. Same family joke as always. Then she asks in Vietnamese, "Are you 'gay'?" I didn't answer. I could feel her staring at me, but I was too tired to open my eyes.

"No 'gay,' okay?" No answer. "No 'gay,' okay?" Still no answer from me. I pretended to go back to sleep so she would leave.

She said "gay" in English instead of "pédé" (French), like how she usually does. Anyway, I don't know what to think :/ When she said it, I know she was laughing, smiling, but she was serious too.

The year and nine months that passed starting from the day after I came out to her, she never mentioned anything. She wouldn't acknowledge anything. Then this morning, she says that. I'm not sure how I should feel or if I should say anything at all. I want to say something, but open conversation does not come naturally to me when it's with my mom. I feel like everything I might say to her would make things between us bad again. She could get angry, I would get angry. She already gets mad at stupid things. This topic would cause a major explosion that I don't want to deal with :/

And I don't think I could handle the awkwardness.

Grr. I wish she hadn't said that this morning. I don't know how to take it. Is this her way of ignoring my coming out and everything that makes me gay? (haha) Or is it her strange way of acknowledging yet still denying it? (A last-ditch attempt at denial, I suppose)

Gah, I wish I had someone to talk to.


Anyway, just read about a lady in England who was attacked with bleach. How fucked up is that? Just because she wanted them to be quiet during the movie. Little fuckers. Overreaction much? It makes me worried about people in the world today. Been hearing about the cars being set on fire in San Francisco. Egh. People are idiots. Frustrating.