I want to be cautious

I want to be cautious, not paranoid.

But it's difficult. Mother woke me up this morning because the sprinklers had apparently been on for five hours D: (Water bill's gonna be high this month). And they're still leaking.

Mother believes that someone stuck their hand in through the mail slot in the garage to mess with the sprinkler system. I told her that did not happen because the settings are the same as always. Something's probably physically wrong with the sprinkler system. But she won't let go of the belief that someone's fuckin' with us.. -_-

I don't want to hear her paranoid conjectures anymore. I've been listening to them for a long time. I used to believe her. Now, not so much. Though, somewhere in my brain, I hear what-ifs. Then I tell myself, "No. Don't believe such crap. It's paranoia. There's no evidence." But I can't help wondering if she's right about those people.

I can feel the paranoia creep in. I don't wanna be like that. Don't wanna think like that about people I don't even know. But it's getting a lil harder. Especially when Mother starts talking about people I do know. Like my friends ): She hasn't been right about them often. But the few times she mentioned a negative trait that I'd also noticed, I just thought "What if she's been right about my other friends?"

Then I slap myself for being silly. But again, I can't help it. Egh, I wish I could push those stupid thoughts out of my mind. So hard to trust people when all I can think about is how they might hurt me or how they might be planning something to hurt my family. Conspiracies >_< that I know are not real.

Blahh. Enough about how much I dislike paranoia.


Resolutions.
I think I'm gonna stop making yearly resolutions. I feel too inadequate to fulfill them. Or I really need someone to make sure I make more realistic resolutions haha. Maybe I'll just make lists of things to keep in mind XP I feel like I'm giving up too easily. I lost my motivation for the resolutions pretty quickly this year haha.

Progress(?):

1. Follow: No anger. No complaints.
-I'm sure this was an unrealistic resolution. I'm still always angry and complaining -_- Quite pathetic. Though I don't complain about every little thing my family does now, I'm still complaining too much. Still complaining about myself haha.

2. Daily: Get out of bed by 0700.
-I do this on school days. I haven't been doing it on weekends ):

3. Daily: Meditate for 10 minutes.
-I never got started on this. Or it's an irregular activity.

4. Daily: Do 20 push-ups, 20 crunches, 20 chin-ups.
-I'm good with this. One of the few things I can keep up with.

5. Do a fitness activity at least twice a week.
-I'm scrapping this. Biking to and from the light rail station is good enough XP

6. Daily: Drink 1 bottle of water.
-I'm now not as consistent with this as I was in the first two months of the year haha.

7. Daily: Spend 3 extra hours max on the Internet.
-Most days, a success. Some days, people decide to talk to me on AIM. Though, I suppose doing my homework at the same time is ok haha.

8. Improve Vietnamese and/or French.
-Yay, French class. Vietnamese, I need to find someone to teach me XP

9. Choose a major by March 31.
-Working on this. I intend to decide by tomorrow night. For now, I'm pretty sure I'll at least minor in Philosophy, but that's as far as I've gotten.

10. Get a job by summertime.
-Not likely. None of the places I applied to online replied. I should probably apply in person. But I think now is a bit too late to apply for summer. And still no car, so I don't know how I'd get myself to work.

11. Do not doubt myself.
-I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to do this. Too vague, mm. How does one find confidence in oneself?

12. Prepare for and go to Anime Expo 2010.
-This may be a go. Not yet sure. Depends on if I wanna fork over $75 (or even $65) for a four-day weekend when it used to be just $55. Also depends on if I wanna spend money the hotel room. First need to find out when Maggie and her friends are going down to Anaheim because I may just replace AX with Disneyland haha.

13. Watch the sunrise/sunset with someone.
-Meh. No occasion to spend the night outside with anyone. Though, I'm sure one of my friends wants to go to Half Moon Bay for a night. Eh -shrug- If anyone wants to go somewhere outside for a night, invite me :P so we can watch the sunset or sunrise together :D


So which resolutions have I been doing well with?: 4 and 8 haha. #9 is going to be accomplished tomorrow -nods- The ones I'm kinda sticking to are #1, 2, 6, 7, and 12, I guess.

I feel so not happy that I'm not sticking to this list haha. But it doesn't feel all that important to me anymore. I think next year I'll just try to stick to two or three resolutions instead of long a list XP Long lists of resolutions, not so smart on my part haha. Can't focus on all of them.

I think I'm doing better with the list of non-resolutions:

+Learn how to play piano or guitar. [no]
+Talk to people more. Initiate more conversations. [kinda]
+Go out with friends weekly. [yeah]
+Don't drive too fast. Don't rush. [yeah]
+Be honest. Do not lie. [mm, yeah and no. I'm trying]
+Obsess less. Figure out more solutions. Make decisive decisions. [mm, no]
+Eat enough fruits and vegetable every day. [yeah]
+Avoid 80+ proof liquor. [hellz yeah]
+Go to SF Pride. Get a small group of friends to go. [not summer yet]
+Go to ST's 2010 graduation. [June hasn't arrived yet]
+Read all the novels suggested by friends. [waiting till May]
+Finish at least half the list of "Movies To Watch." [waiting till May]
+Have a horror/thriller movie marathon. [kinda, but next time with people haha]
+Go to a concert. [no]
+Hug more. [yes, shocking >_>]
+Wander through the city (any city). [no]
+Explore San Jose's Japantown. [no]
+Celebrate my birthday. [not yet]


Fulfilling and not fulfilling resolutions affects how I feel about myself as a person haha.. And I think labeling my resolutions makes them feel like obligations. I really don't like feeling obligated to do anything. I want to do things for myself because I want to, not because I am expected to. I should have thought about that. Now, I feel lame -_- haha.


Hmm, now that I'm thinking about things... I think I would prefer to go to Anaheim at the end of May instead of to Expo. I mean, I'm sure Jeisun and Andrew are probably going to Expo. I know Kat's not going. Who else would be going? Must reduce cost of hotel room for it to be worth it XP For Anaheim, Maggie's friend might have free tickets, right? Hmm... Aaand I've only been to Disneyland once when I was five, and that experience wasn't all that amazing. Would like to build a happy memory of Disneyland haha.

Either way, I wanna go down to SoCal this summer. Or well, anywhere that's more than a two-hour drive away really. I don't wanna stay in the Bay Area all summer again. So if Disneyland and Expo don't happen, I still wanna go somewhere. Just dunno where or with whom, hm.


Hmm, what else did I wanna say in this entry? Eh -shrug- Hm, I had to sleep in the living room today because Brother fell asleep in my room -_- Can't sleep with his snoring. Anyway, sleep was elusive. Went to bed at 0100. Head hurt. Kept waking up again. But I remember a dream where someone hugged me. I'm getting more hug dreams @_@ Whhyyy?


Spring Break is going slow and quick. Sad that most others' springs breaks were last week. So not many people to chill with this week. I've gotten a lot of homework done though, especially over the weekend and yesterday. But I still have my two essays to start >_> Should have started yesterday, but I ended up watching movies online. "Cube," "Cube 2: Hypercube," "Cube Zero," and "Thir13en Ghosts." First three were the ones that Brian L told me about. The last one, I've just enjoyed since it came out nine years ago. "Cube," interesting idea, poor execution, bad acting (haha I recognized the actress who played Leaven). Traps weren't as interesting as I thought they would be. But the first trap in "Cube Zero" was awesome. "Water!"

"Thir13en Ghosts" has always entertained me. Acting was ok. The ghosts look pretty awesome. Though, the big baby looks kinda gross. And the lawyer's death is pretty cool, and his post-death movement was a bit funny haha.


Anyway, I will try to find the motivation to start my essays. And I'm gonna keep watching movies (been a while). And I may start reading Naruto, but who knows? So many volumes to catch up to x_x


Yeah, there's my long entry for the week. Unless something cool happens in the next few days. Like I get to go outside and chill with people haha. Supposed to rain all week >_< mm...